All About Christmas...

oh, it's the time of sharing, giving, loving, all of that commercial Jazz...
to me, it's about remembering. Since New Years is going to be a messy afair, what with all of the alcohol, drugs, and more that will likely be involved, wheres the time to remember? especially this year, this year cannot be remembered in the presence of many MANY other people....

so what is to be said about this year that I've remembered? I guess I could make it easy and say, look at all of the blog's i've made.. but that would be too tiresome, right?

this year...

tonight, my brother got engaged to his girlfriend, Halesha, the woman who is carrying his child. the child I felt kick tonight, and even saw kick. the child who will be MY Neice/Nephew...
oh, how far my life has come, and how little it seems to have changed... which is a lie. if I looked back on myself, or if I looked forward on myself, I would say easily that I have become what i once rejected so easily as Kirsten does now. I've gone back on words, I've followed in the trail of my brother in some ways...
I can drive a car, alone.
I party, with more than drinking.
my brother is engaged. my brother will be a husband and father. a father in four months. four short months...

how life changes on you. you can't get comfortable, can you?

this past june, a large chunk of my friends graduated and went to school, but not before i got to know them a little better.

what can be said? am I just, nostealgic(sp?)? or what?
well, I could say very easily that I am terribly terribly lonely. I can't stand being home anymore, it just leaves this horrible gut feeling. I feel stuck in this circle of doing the same meaningless things with people who just don't care about it, or me, at all...

what else can I say?
big year for Emily. she tried Weed, and liked it enough to continue it, much to the dismay of her now former best friend, who easily ended their friendship. so much judging, hm? what else... she was welcomed to a group, even praised a few times... she lost a few people... she came to love someone, only to find herself alone in that area, as usual... she felt the joy of a glimmer of hope in one friendship, and then felt it dry up painfully inside, as everything seems to...

i'm in grade twelve now. i have a drivers license. i smoke. i am what i never thought i would become.
what can i say? people change, right Bro? i mean, you're getting married, man! you're gonna be a dad in four months... even though, you already are to two kids... and here I am, left alone. my mother has a husband who loves her to the extreme pain of myself. my father has a love. my brother has a love... why is it that I feel left out? like I'm the only one who will never feel that and have that? why does it feel that way? it shouldn't, i know... but it does. I feel horribly alone in this whole, LOVE scene... and i hate it. i shall be a bachelorette for many years to come, i can see it.. because of myself, of other people...

i'm off track.
it's christmas, we should all be happy, right? time to be together, to be a family again...
hey, i never really had a family, what do I do? time to be together... with who? everyone i want to be with is far away... i'm stuck at home with people who like to pretend I'm not really here. I make a sound, i'm scowled at. how is that getting along?

i don't like christmas, but at least try to believe me when I wish you a merry christmas. have a happy christmas, enjoy it with those you love. i had a good time tonight with my dad and brother...

i'm just sad, as usual.

oh, that's just emily, she's just being herself, sad, mournful, all that stuff.. ignore her, she'll go away.

I will, too, don't think i'll stick around man. i'll leave one day. it's not a question of when, or where to either. it's a question of whether anyone in particular notices.
and to that person who somehow DOES notice... merry christmas.

don't read my blogs. they're angry, like me.