Internet Woes

I am a downloader.

Oh, am I ever.

Currently, my external hard drive (named Marvin, after the Paranoid Android in HHGTTG [which I saw a very cute guy reading on the subway, go engrossed in it he didn't notice my looking at him, go figure]) is holding 259gigs of stuff. That includes Music, Movies, and a few pictures (the pictures won't add up to more than five gigs though). 60 gigs of that is music...

I just got a good idea of how much space those tv shows are taking up...

Anyway, I download a lot. I download my shows, being Dexter, Lost, the Office, Battlestar Galactica (though I'm starting at the beginning of that one, it's taking a while since I've had to pause my downloads, explanation coming), Slings and Arrows, Doctor Who, Life on Mars, etc etc...

And it's interesting to keep in mind that half of those shows provide clips, and even full episodes, online.

I also have podcasts coming my way, the common one being The Hour, a new obsession of mine that I recommend to all. Of note is that these podcasts are free, put up by the shows themselves through iTunes, and are not limited in any way, save that they aren't technically full episodes of a show (They DO provide those, at a cost, through the iTunes store).

So, if you exclude the music and movies, what I'm watching is, in fact, legal. even supported and encouraged in some areas. And hey, I've bought a few things through iTunes that I couldn't find anywhere else.

So what's my deal? I live in a country where downloading is merely Frowned upon, and I can't actually be charged for it because... well, I'm not distributing. Fine difference.

My deal... has nothing to do with what I'm downloading, really. I watch youtube videos like everyone else does. I watch podcasts like many others. I watch free clips of things online, which fans of shows do...

But these things that are legal and encouraged make no difference to what is called a Cap.

One reason I choose rogers over Bell is because Bell throttles their speeds, so it takes me a week to download a movie, while it takes two hours on Rogers. Love it. Speed is beautiful... until I reach the limit. The limit on rogers, at least with my internet, is 60 gigs.

You may think that is a lot for a limit, but considering there are two people in this house that are always online, watching things, downloading things (I didn't mention the many PDFs I'm required to download for school yet, did I?), researching things (we both do that), and so on...

It doesn't quite add up to 60 gigs... or does it?

Alright, so I've reached the limit. I stop downloading until the next billing month begins and the cap is reset to zero. Sadly, I am still online. I am still going from website to website, downloading PDFs for school, getting podcasts from automatic updates, and so on. All of these are still legal things, required things, and some are even paid for outside of my internet charges.

My beef? If I paid iTunes for something, should I really have to pay for it again because of going over my 60 gig limit on rogers, even when I haven't illegally downloaded more than ten gigs all month? That's my beef. Rogers put the cap in there to discourage downloading. Bell targeted specific file types being downloaded, torrent files really, and Rogers put a cap on everything.

Can we see where we're going here?

It's a beef, it's one that won't change... and one that pisses me off even more when I find that some companies out there want to charge MORE.

alas, my fight has always been this:

Somewhere in the charter, we have a right to education and free access... something like that. Internet, sadly, has come to represent both those things to many people, especially those who don't get out at all, like one of the people I live with now. It's also like that for those who can't afford much else. I use the internet to communicate with my family and friends, I can't afford a phone at this moment in time.

So what, boohoo, life is a bitch, deal with it.

Yeah, it's a bitch. A bitch I am going to slap while I'm still able to.

friggen Rogers. I wonder when that billing month starts anyway....

On the Wagon

My last cigarette was one week ago.

The last cigarette that was NOT taken from someone elses pack was two weeks ago.

The last time I bought a pack was a month ago (I got a carton).

Quitting smoking is an interesting experience. My temper and level of patience has been out of control as of late, and my focus is only now just getting back into gear (though it was hardly in gear before). I'm told that after only a day or two the nicotine is out of your system completely, and the rest is just in your head.

Well, when you live with chain smokers, the nicotine isn't ever REALLY out of your system... it is mostly, but second hand smoke sure is a big deal here.

I've read about the possible side-effects of quitting, like nausea (which I've had, but I was getting that before quitting, so that's a little up in the air), weight gain (duh), and even a sore throat.

I'm getting a sore throat right now, and I've noticed an excess of other liquids, mostly in the back of my throat (Post nasal drip, anyone?)

Physical side-effects don't bother me, I get over that pretty easily. Boohoo, nausea, another excuse to stay home from class.

The shitty part is the habit itself. It's a horrible thing to say, but I'm not alone in it: It's like I've lost something, I'm actually in a period of mourning.

Mourning what, you (a non smoker) may ask?

Well, there's a story to any smoker, why they started, when, the things they did while they smoked, and the triggers and such. Some friends of mine have blamed stress as a trigger (And I too have reached for the cigarettes out of anxiety: it's something else to focus on). Other's just enjoy the feeling of smoking when they're drunk. This I certainly agree with, as when I was drunk, I would become a chainsmoker.

But then it started to spread beyond being drunk. Eventually, my cigarettes were timed. Everytime I finished a meal, I had a cigarette. While I was waiting for that meal to cook, I had one. When I watched a movie, I had one at the start, and one about half way through, if I didn't see anyone smoking in the movie.

Smoking reminds me of some things, such as sitting with friends, where we were in the depths of a conversation and our cigarettes were tools used to cue the other person on when to interrupt, or to make a point, etc...

It was a social activity, it was a scheduled activity, and in both of these things I felt comfortable with my cigarette. Thus, I would transfer that happiness and security into the tobacco.

Wrong, of course, and in this I am working... in this I struggle.

The fact is, even after just a week of being smoke free and not having to touch a lighter save to pass it to my grandmother, I miss smoking. I miss having something in my fingers, in my control, and being under the control of.

Why do people start smoking in this day and age, a person asks. Because it's cool? Because it feels good? Honestly, half the time I smoked (when I was sober), It did not feel that great. sometimes it felt horrible and made me feel sick (this is how I felt throughout my last two packs, and thus I quit). 

No, these are not the reasons, not for me at least.

I wasn't a cutter, I wasn't much of a dramatic. I kept to myself, and didn't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. I still don't, though I try to express more often now.

To me, smoking did what I imagine cutting does for some people. It was a self-destructive behaviour to alleviate some other pain, it was a behaviour that a person felt a part of with others, a communal suicide. We, the small percentage left of smokers, demonstrated that we were the last few in the world willing to kill ourselves, all for a feeling, no matter how fleeting and foolish. How Romantic, heroic, indicative.

Stupid of course, I know... but it's the truth.

So, in short, I miss destroying myself in a physical manner, as opposed to the usual psychological manner.

I'll just have to take up drinking again.

(By the way, if you don't recognize the picture, it's a self-portrait of Joni Mitchell, one of the last great smokers, and my own personal idol, along with John Lennon [I think I would rather be John Lennon, even if I do get shot])