Everyone else is talking

it's funny how everyone assumes I'm christian when they take my QUIZ YOUR FRIENDS thing. that and they all think I'm 17. not yet, sorry guys.
but still funny

so I'm out of it right now. I just got back from Emma's Halloween thing, and I'm tired. Tom and I were pretty much the only people who got a good sleep, everyone else falling asleep at about... 6? me at 4, i think. i find that funny. but im very out of it. yesterday wasn't the greatest day.
My ceiling caved in. my brother was up in the attic, doing insulation for it, and he accidentally dropped his flashlight, and it hit the attic floor, and went through it onto the living room floor, bringing a panel of rotted dry-wall and lots of sandy-old-fifties insulation with it. it was SUCH a horrible mess. so that got my mother in this edgy mood that pissed me off for a while.
i had a two hour driving lesson as well, and it exhausted me.
then work.
more exhaustion. just lots of trials. so many things are happening, yet nothing is happening. i dont understand it.
then emmas. by the end of work, i almost wasn't feeling up for going there.
i wasn't. i was tired, ready to just relax, which i did, but i wasn't all relaxed. I was thinking a lot about everything. Next year. I told my dad, and he took it a lot better than my mom did. ONE parent approves thus far.
well, now that I have Gus's phone number, I'm thinking I'm going to call him and bug him. meh. i'm bored. he might be too, you never know, right?
god i'm out of it. i dont want to talk, but i will if I have to. brahlam. ?.

ciao

chronic plaque walking crooked post nasal drip

uh?

so, i made a decision today, and I hope i can stick with it.
I'm not going to school this up coming year.
instead, I'm going to do something that will terrify my and kill me so that i'm left with nothing to rebuild with. I'm going to move to Missisauga to live with my aunt and grandma, to sort out my life, to find it again.
i'm so scared.
why? i know, kind of stupid, but I'm just scared, in a way. I don't really want to go yet. i dont have to, yeah, little less than a year, but a year goes fast, it already is. last year went by quickly. this year will go quicker. This way I will have more time to just focus on things that I need to focus on, to get into something.
i'm just afraid of losing him, really. well, all of them, but him the most. why wouldn't i, right? he's the most amazing thing that ever got to me like that. the most amazing person in the world. i don't want to do anything that will snuff him out of my life forever, possibly. yet, thats the only way i can just focus. the only way i can get the time i need. the only way I can learn, to get into the groove, is to lose him.
it will kill me. I know it will. I will be detatched from everyone, since no one has a car or anything where i'm going. I'll be stuck with public transit (AHHHHH!). I'll have to find a job, full time, to make enough money for myself. I'll have to make new friends, accept losing the old ones...
i'm going to lose this life next year. this time next year, I will be in this new place, trying to live something else...
i dont want to grow up this fast. why does the world have to be so fast? I'm only 16, i shouldn't have to think about this stuff now.

it's not fair. i can only sort things out by tearing everything apart. it hurts so much just thinking about it.
i'm so sad.


well, honestly, this is what my day is like.
I roll out of bed about 6:30. go to the bus stop. get all sleepy and bla on the bus there, wake up and start thinking first period, and then I really wake up. I get "Average" in the middle of the day. fifth period on, i start getting down. by the time i get home, I feel like shit and too sad and energy-less to try to go outside. so about this time, 7:30, i feel so horrible.
everyday is like this.
add in headaches, aching wrists, chest pains on occassion, those other pains from those certain times of the year, and daily bullshit, and theres my day. why do I have to worry about a year from now when right now is where I am? frig! stupidness. lunch time(s) is the best time. I'm happy, just lazing with people i love. and then i have to go away for the day, and it's hard to think of sitting in this house without someone to talk to.
hey, theres always blogger!

but again...

i am so sad right now. why does my life have to live itself out like this? why can't i seem to get a grip on it anymore?

chronic plaque
walking crooked
post nasal drip

"EMILY, TURN THAT DOWN, please"

bah

start of the day again
yup again
it's really just the same day over and over again, same shit, same day, different order... sometimes. nothing new. school surprises me, but then again, it's supposed to. so it's following the rules.
everything is doing what it's planned to do. everyone reacts how they're supposed to, everyone talks like they're supposed to, no one has caught me off-guard today. no one's gotten to see me today.
just emily.
bah

stupid day

bah

sleep sleep sleep sleep is far far away. i felt like shit today. at first it was a normal day, but after lunch it just turned all to hell. i got into the most depressed mood i've had during the day in a while. just, out of no where, down again. I'll blame josh for trying to sabotage the whole Road Trip plan by making his own road trip to race me with.... even though I likely wont be able to go on a road trip, since he was supposed to get the van, and i was supposed to decorate it... in other words, i cant without him. asshole. that pissed me off, but otherwise i dont know. what got me do shitty today? stupid school!
Music test today too. Intervals. i felt stupid again. couldn't remember anything from last week. duh. i have no memory of anything. i hate school. i hate everything right now. all but one thing, and it's so far out of reach.
but this morning, i had the best nap ever on the way to school, on the bus. and the same thing on the way home. i just put my headphones on, and was out like a light. it was nice, really. i liked it. i can always sleep well in a moving vehicle. that's what makes me a great traveller, bad driver. i can fall asleep ANYWHERE. anywhere at all.
that reminds me, Emmas house saturday night! huzzah! i have to work until 11, but everyone who shows up is going to come and get me anyway... hopefully. yup. i like it.
i wish i could rock at guitar. i wish i could get that stuff. i wish it could come to me like moving blinking. i wish, man, i wish. i might be able to get things out better, but nah... i just zone out... dont think, just feel... stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid typing is fun stupid stupid stupid

boredom! sleepy! ah, sleep, i want you now

Melancholy

what a word for that

What i want? answers. the truth, i suppose, without the bullshit, but if I were to ask that, It would make me a hypocrit. because, I never give an honest answer without tossing some bullshit in with it. some horrible humour, a twisted answer to a straight question. And that's the ONE thing we have in common: We both enjoy fucking with other peoples heads.
I just wish I could fuck with yours like you fuck with mine. wouldn't that be fair? well, okay... I DON'T make those things happen. I go along with them. I take part in them. I didn't start anything.
all i started was the "trend" of being an open book... that's just on my behalf. you're not helping at all. you're not joining in my trend, but I'll join yours. honestly, I don't mind you acting the way you do... until it gets painful, or I start hyper-ventilating, or i get bruised or cut.... otherwise, I'm fine with it. I know it's just Flirting now. so, don't let it go beyond that anymore. no more holding my hand(s). just stop that. because that does go over the line. I may not know much in this area, but to me, doing that and NOT being stupid steps over the line. holding my hand in order to bite it? flirting, whatever you want to call it. Holding my hands to press into your chest in a stupid way to act sexual: flirting. Holding my hands while watching something on the computer, and thats that, not flirting. that's sending something. so just, don't do that anymore, I'll be fine with this new arrangement.

just quick fucking with my head like you have.

and stop acting like you know me. you know my skin, my clothes, and nothing more. You don't know my smiles, my eyes, my tastes, you don't know those things. you won't. so don't act like you're on top of it all. you're not.

moving on now..

im tired. as usual. I've decided that i'm mostly a melancholy person. it's a beautiful word to me. Melancholy. it sounds nice, nice to speak. but then again, so is Diarhea. why must such beautiful words represent ugly things? damn you language!
I'm looking into songs for auditions now, and it's hard. I want to do a version of Killing Me Softly, but I don't know how I would get away with singing that...:S
i was looking at other songs too, but i've long forgotten them. Ella Fitzgerald songs, i think.
alas, i shant remember them now. but it's on the mind. I'm feeling slightly stressed from school, and a little weary. I had a theory lesson yesterday, first one, going over things I should know... but I didn't. I felt so stupid and down afterwards. god, i felt horrible. my head was pounding in my temples, and I was trying to understand why I couldn't figure out these simple things.
and that whole hopeless feeling came over me afterwards, that feeling that I'll never get this stuff down in a few months, in time for school applications. I'll never know it, never get in for music, never go anywhere with it...
fuck you world! Go fuck yourself... christ i hate this place.
i hate the person in the other room, talking about me and my stupidity behind my back, because he thinks he's ontop of it all. fuck you, gord.
what was i going to type that wasn't lashing out in any form.... crap.
so i was out late last night with Adrienne and Matt... something... from work/school. that was interesting. we walked around, what not, ran into more people i dont know but knew me from work. ha, interesting.
i was supposed to have a meeting today, but Mrs.Davis hasn't called me back yet. great. what the hell happened??????
too many things to keep a hold of. you know, the whole ball thing... only, i suppose it's more like when you're cupping your hands to catch some water. theres too much water to catch here, So I need to decide soon what to let drop and what to focus most on keeping...
art seems to be the only thing i can possibly keep a grip on. music i feel hopeless. art i get ideas for more often than songs. world history: DUH! i HAVE to keep that.

well, no more tonight.

Black

the game plan is to win

Roadtrip 2005 is now in the planning process with Josh and Mike (from england). huzzah!

looking for a van now for Josh to buy. and trying to get a hold of Angus, to see if he wants in or not.
the creepy part is.... it's starting to sound like my one story... almost.... hohoooo

life for me this past week... it's been an off week. I've come home from school feeling that depressed feeling again, something that I guess will never go away. in a small way, It's been productive. i've made a brand new Good Friend, Mike Dickenson from England! HO! yeah, he's my new buddy! So, a new friend. Plans are being made about finding a van for a roadtrip with those two guys, possibly Angus if he wants in, so thats now on the mind.
but I really need to get going in World History. I have to come up with a Topic for one essay, get started on another, read my Ghandi stuff, do readings, etc etc...
i need to get productive in art, but the urge is never there anymore. Music is music. I feel dead in that room now. It's just this bitter place I go... like my home. it's my house, only without my things, and the occassional joy of privacy. I'm finding myself getting annoyed with some people, mostly graeme. I dont know why, i just am. I'm not happy about it, but its happening. i dont even know why... i just feel really pissed off in that place sometimes.
when i'm not doing anything, mind you. if im talking to emma or josh or mike or kirsten, im okay. but when im left to think by myself, all i can think of is how I wish i wasn't alone like this.
but am i even alone, i wonder? i dont know.
i got a bigger cheque than normal tonight. 185.85$. normally it's 129 something... so where did this extra money come from? well, hey! more money! but why???
my friendship with someone is beginning to turn somewhere. dont know where exactly, but it's a road I've never considered before, really, or never actually gone down. it's frustrating at times, when I keep thinking something else without being able to help it. I almost wanted to kiss him today. I even had to think NOT to put my head on his shoulder. i'm restraining myself. I dont know. Maybe I shouldn't. he doesn't seem to. If thats where it's going, then I suppose I should give it a try before I decide if it's too painful or frustrating to stand for another year.

Coffee house, NOV 25th. acoustic set now. no electric set. alas....
NOV18th, Art trip to Ottawa. I'll hang out with Mike that day. he's awesome!

in other words, I'm the same as ever. I'm not changing much this year, not yet at least. things are being added, but nothing is being taken away. good, i guess...

you are what you love, not what loves you

Note to Self:

Art Ideas!!!

the Fish thing that Emma gave me.... and give that to her later in life, when i Don't need it

start the bust for the head... maybe use National Geographic/magazines phrases and pictures to put on it.... then glasses of some sort that say "I'm in - Control"
one eye^ ^ the other eye
make the head have political/social/responsibilities and stuff, things that are stressful and on the mind, and make a hat that has phrases on it like "be perfect" all of this physical stuff, make-up, blablabla, that stuff.... put a zipper on the mouth too... maybe head phones that connect to the hat or something, where all of that outer stuff is, because that's what you're suppose to listen to, right? have the little output-input things do something too..... or no.... just have one ear say LISTEN and the other something like IGNORE ME or whatever... you know?

yeah, you've got it now....

make a mask too, or something

finish the guitar

finish the JP back

finish off the painting

start on the other painting

DO WORLD HISTORY


--so school is hard work. Theory will hurt me a lot, World History is going to be the death of me, and Art is going to save me from an eternity of hell. i like that class, but it isn't long enough. I need TWO hours of that class... or three.... or ten..... you know? it's easy to get carried away with that stuff, and then BAM! Bell! Time to go home! Quick, don't miss your miserable bus! hurry up! hurry! Hurry!

Landslide

Amanda is a sweetheart.

Amanda is Min's youngest daughter, and she is adorable. three years old, such a sweety. I was watching them play around behind the counter tonight, and it's really amazing and cool, the insight and clarity you can get from just watching them and having enough empathy to put yourself in that state of mind. and coming back from that state of mind, it made me want to have kids. I'll definately have my own kid(s) some day in my life. I don't think I could go through life without having one. my own little friend, a being that i created in my own being.

right now, i'm tired, stressed, and neutral again. i hate being neutral. I want to be one or the other... well, one, NOT the other.
school is sick. I hate it. some people i love, but being there, everyday all the time, in that old place with all of those memories, reminders, sickens me, makes me want to kill myself. And classes are tiring too. Home is stupid, because at some point i have to leave it. I want to, because I'm getting sick of the house, but i dont want to leave my bed...
work is getting better. I like working now. It gets me out, with people, to interact, entertain, all of that... i love making people laugh. I did a lot of that tonight. I wore 3-D glasses for the hell of it for an hour, and everyone who came in just gave me this look and tried to hide their smiles. I also had my awesome toy there! awesome-ness! twas great fun. I love doing that.
but the rest is hurting me a lot. i feel very alone. very cut off. and tonight thats okay, but somedays it's not okay. I really could use a hug right now, a big long warm hug. I could use sleeping with someone tonight, just knowing someone is behind me in bed, sleeping there too, dreaming their own dreams. maybe I'm in them, who knows?
i'm really alone.
but tonight, that's okay. I don't mind. I'm Emily, the lone ranger. yohoo

well, sleep calls me. oh sleep. how you slay me!

you put a gun in my hands and you hide from my eyes

I think this is the only way to get it all out.

How does a person just DO something? Spur of the moment? but then, wouldn't your conscience come in at some point too? wouldn't you stop after taking a moments thought and realizing there was going to be an aftershock from this?

Does anyone do that anymore?

I'm so tired. Good day, bad day, Bitter-angry day, Happy day... thats why I'm tired. my mood has changed so much it's exhausted me. I'm tired. I want to sleep, but i know, in my head, I have homework... but I also know it won't get done. Early bird's came out today... im screwed. I'm going to fail a class, not graduate, stay ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR IN A PLACE I CAN'T STAND TO BE IN ANYMORE, not go to where i want to go-
oh yeah. I'm not going to York next monday anymore, Like I thought I was. Mom changed her mind. Love you too, mom.-
and fail at life. well, that's what it feels like. so little time. all i want to do is... all i want to say, feel.... think about... im too tired to handle this. someone please make a pill that will solve this. I mean, everything else comes in a pill, why can't a solution for a fucked up life be put in one too? why can't i have my old family back, a real mom and dad and brother set up without all of this bullshit by taking just one pill a day? why can't I feel safe within my own body with the help of a pill? why can't I have the perfect life in a pill? oh, you mean, those are just supplements? Diet pills? Anti-depressants? anti anti anti i need an anti-LIFE pill right now. Anti-Josh pill. Anti-Mom pill. Anti-Gord pill. Anti-School pill.
i need an organization supplement! that could work! blablablablablablablabla

fucking life fucking sucks and i fucking hate it tonight like i did last night when i heard you gord YES i heard you talking about me i hate everything tonight i want everything to GO AWAY i dont want to be in my "home" because it's NOT my home i have no home such a place does not exist for I Emily Norah Engel I have no home life love nothing nothing is what i have nothing is what i get nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing im so tired of everything and i cant believe im even CONSIDERING all of these rediculous things now and taking the wrongs things the wrong way and the right things the wrong way and everything is wrong in my life FIX IT

Rain on me, man

I love the rain. I love the feel of it, the sound it makes when it hits trees, roads, anything. i love the sound it makes when there's a breeze and it makes the trees leaves hit eachother, making that awesome snapping-ish sound. I love the quality rain gives to the sky, to the air you're breathing, I love rain.
But i hate it when it rains on my parade.
fuck you rain! when it comes to that...

that bit of electricity is done now. I guess. I don't know. I think I made a mistake or something, because things have changed, in the course of.... five minutes? yeah, thats about it, five minutes. I made a mistake... that or he's fucking around with me. in that case, fuck him too.

ha! I hope he doesn't read this thing!

meh

so, life is back to normal. not a good thing. normal is a few posts back, where I can't stay awake, no matter how hard I try. I kept telling myself this morning that I HAD to read this stuff! I have to get it down, or I'm going to fail World History, and music, theory wise. I won't get accepted anywhere if I don't get my act together! i need to shut up my imagination! stop dreaming about things! Stop thinking about what I love to think about, and think about these tiny threads of information split up and splattered everywhere called a text Book.

HOW? HOW does an artist, a writer, a musician, shut up their imagination?! How do they keep their mind on something that is NOT interesting? HOW? These things are scattered everywhere! I mean, History is a story! a series of stories! hiSTORY. Hi-STORY. hello!!!!! Make it like a story! Make it a straigher line! I know thats hard to do, but thats the only way i can get the facts down for good! I can't read ten pages, make notes, read another ten pages, make more notes... i cant. not when the subject on those ten pages changes fifty times from this person to this religion, to this army, to this name, to this city, to this person.... it's too messy! i can't sort those things out! i can't keep my mind on something so fucking retarded and boring!
so i'm going to fail. art i wont fail, i love art, i get to think about what I want to think about in that class. I do what I love in that class. Music is half and half. I love playing, but the theory, as badly as I wish i could learn it, is latin to me. LATIN, people!
history... another world. I don't belong in this world at all. I don't belong here. not here, not in this place..

I need a lot more time, school wise. I can't start applying to schools next month. I can't. I'm not ready! I need time!I mean, I just FOUND my life, and then it was taken away... its being taken away from me still, and I'm trying to desperately to keep that life, and at the same time figure out my future life...

is that even possible?

it's like trying to hold onto an arm full of balls, while someone far off is throwing more at you, and you are expected to hold onto the ones you have while catching the new ones. NO DROPPING ANY, or you FAIL and DIE ALONE AND SAD.

do you know how it feels when you know what you want to do all of your life, but when it comes time to make actions to have that official, to officially be an Artist, or Chemist, or Musician, whatever... You don't know how? You know where you want to end up, but getting there is so fucking confusing with all of the side-tracks, the bullshit, the distractions thrown at you from society... where do you get it straight? where do you get yourself together when you're 16? how do you do that at 16? someone tell me, i feel completely lost. I know where I want to go, what I want to see and do, who I want to meet... but... how? how can i get ALL of that sorted out in a few months? because lately, it feels like thats what I have to do. It's too big for me, too immense, I'm terrified. I'm so scared of fucking up my life forever because I won't get into school and have the right credentials to do what I Love, to LIVE.

frig, i hate people. I hate the world today, for forcing all of this on me. I'm too young to think about this stuff. I just want to live, not worry. I shouldn't have to worry like this, thats not how you're supposed to live, and I can't do this. it's way too much for me.
I can barely face having to read twenty pages in that fucking text book and then make notes on it... then read up on Ghandi... then figure out my question... it's too much, the thought of it exhausts me.

so much for being happy, eh? sad blogs are so much easier to write than happy ones. funny how that is

I'M ELECTRIC!

Dance! Everybody Dance! YAY!

oh man, i'm on fire! okay, not really, and not in that other sense, but I'm WOOT right now. yeah, last night, wedding, sucked, but tonight? i'm rockin! I woke up today and first thing I got to hear was The Music. I love that band. now I'm listening to the Strokes, George Harrison, everything right now. I'm electric! again! I love it when i switch over to "UP"!
WOOT!
sigh
still have a head ache though, alas. but man! electric! wowojalkie!
wowojalkie. hey, i like that!
so, why am I electric? Because I am! Because I had a great day friday, because I survived the wedding, and even saw a few funny things during it, and because I got to stay home today, and i get to stay home tomorrow, to sleep a wonderful sleep, i hope, and dream wonderful dreams, i hope, and yeah... I'm just happy! I'm getting ideas for art class, I'm trying to get it set into my head that I need to work harder in music and World History... But I'm thinking, at least, right? I feel more alive than i have for a while. I'm human again! huzzah!
I wish I could have spent time with friends this weekend, but thats okay. I'm not exhausted or anything anymore, i'm getting rest, i'm happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy and having fun typing happy happy happy happy.
I also got this idea for a play last night, on my way to the reception. it's basically about six teenagers at school while theres a shooting going on, and they're trapped in this room together. They're all friends, have been for a while, and basically it's about them. duh. they're just in this room for a while, and I think they're just going to do what people do best in such situations: talk. expose themselves.
but I'm going to TRY and avoid the typical Movie-style admittions like "I slept with your wife" "I cheated on so and so" blablabla, nothing like that. Maybe ONE such thing, between the main character and a very minor character (If there's such a thing in a six-person cast) and it only lasts for a split second, the attention being grabbed by someone else immediatly.
ending? hoho, wouldn't you like to know!
well, I'm excited over it. i started it today, and I just need to think of subject matter now, what they talk about. I know at one point the main character (only called the main character because of this-) makes a sort of absent minded speech, just before it ends. she's just thinking out loud while everything starts to fall apart, about how the world seems to work on violence like this, how it feeds everything, everyone, in some form or another.
but yeah, i have NO clue where the idea came from, it just came to me in the car while I was staring stupidly out the window.

yeah, last night sucked a lot. I felt really out of place, like a loser again. I wanted to dance so much! they were playing awesome music like Beatles! and bad country too, but beatles! Twist and Shout came on, and I just wished I could have gotten up to dance! But, me being Emily and not someone else, I couldn't stand the thought of being seen by people, of strangers seeing me dance to awesome music. I couldn't stand it, it hurt a little too much. so I blocked it out of my mind and sat at the table, laughing at my mom's dancing.

alas...

well, im still super happy! WOOT! Emma knows why! I'm super-happy Emily! You will only see me once in a blue moon, and it seems there is a blue moon! WOOT! happy happy happy happy

GOD i love it when this happens! it's such a vacation!

Love like this keeps us warm

what do you do when your thoughts are faster than light?

I'm so crazy tonight! I've lost it! I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I'm Downloading the Polyphonic Spree, ELO, and i'm looking up stuff, and man!
I have this huge thirst for knowledge, for something! Feed my brain! Everything is whirling around! I need to make an appointment in guidance tomorrow, to talk about school, etc etc, i need to listen to this amazing beautiful music-
wait, woh, whats this feeling? my god.... no, nope, don't jinx it em, you'll jinx it, think of the worst, then you can't be disappointed, right?
but man, i'm getting excited by it. what is this foriegn thing? i know it, I think... maybe... why is it there? Is it coming back to me? It's been so long, I barely recognized it as-
WOH, this sound?! this is music?! someone wrote this?! Can I do this?
I need to read this book, this awesome book, everything is Illuminated-
Jazz tomorrow! I can play again!
I love! I can feel happy! God I feel so happy! I could sob right now for this stupid feeling in me! why am i so fucking happy?
because I've been exposed again! I saw something-
today was such a shitty day to start. nothing good came, nothing was there, but wha? i'm happy still?
goes to show-
OH MAN! Jamie and I went to the Nurse at school today, just to see about this whole "Nurse" thing, and it was awesome! I got a frisbee! and a magnet! And Fun-ness! WOH! SEX FRISBEE! grooooooovin!
holy shit...

I'm stupid tonight, waaaahahahaha. i love it.


my parents are coming back tonight too... another hour or so, and they'll be back, no more being alone. good thing? sure, why not?...
maybe I can survive on my own. Tonight I can, at least. hey, good!

breath

i like it when this happens

Fuck you, wedding!

Well, originally i hated this whole Wedding idea because it's a wedding. I hate them because it means me sitting alone at a table at the reception, thinking to myself about stupid nothing, and crap...

then it was because my dad was going to missisauga that weekend, and since i have this wedding, i can't go to see family I actually LIKE.

Now? There's a planned dinner with friends, what not, for the saturday night, night of the wedding.... and i can only go, if I can convince my mom to let me go, and if i can find someone to pick me up to get me there....

in other words? I'm screwed. I hate this weekend. I hate holidays spent at home, because I don't like being here. I want to go to Missisauga to see my dads family, but i can't. I want to see my friends saturday night, but theres a small chance of that happening. small, puny chance.

and im going to the wedding alone, so I'll be miserable, being talked to by stupid little kids. last place I want to be is at a wedding. who the Hell puts a wedding on a holiday? people don't want to go to a wedding on a holiday. they want to have one, since they think it's more convenient-
NO. NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S IN THE WAY OF PEOPLE GETTING OUT OF TOWN TO PLACES THEY WOULD RATHER BE, WITH PEOPLE THEY WOULD RATHER BE WITH. NOT conventient. a bitch. a bitch up the ass with braces and buck teeth, grinding away at something that isn't good and blablablabla
im pissed off, damnit! let me be mad!

grrr, i want to continue ranting, but... so tired... school is killing me. lunch seems to be the best period, but thats iffy. I stay in the same room for the first four periods, then world history, then AP art... where i can't be creative because I'm exhausted and want my bed and a hug.
fuck, life is stupid!
stupid!

Mr. McCue Danced!

So, my week has been the same as ever, except now when I go home, no one gets home after me, and I have to do all of the "putting the house to bed" stuff... what a way to put it. Anyway, thats how it's been.
at school, same as ever, although there is a brand new task I have to do, which is STAYING AWAKE. This only seems to happen in World History, and maybe once or twice for a few moments in the rest of the day, and that's keeping my eyes open. It's so hard. I have come so close so many times to just passing out ont he desk. but i'm sure Mr. McCue would have made fun of me and started prodding me with a stick or something. man... I need sleep, even now after a nine hour sleep, I need more. so tired...

-yawn-

work tonight, then maybe hanging out with jen and Scott, but they want to go to a dance.. and I don't....:S:S:S:S nono, not me, no dancing, bla, or music that loud. not up for it. really all I want to do is just kind of sit around, walk around, drinking something good, like... coffee.... and eating something yummy... like.... fries at Jims.

which means EMMA has to call! lol. yupyup.
so tired! i woke up today with Wonderwall in my head. how odd... now im listening to it. hurrah!

school is so stupid. ALTHOUGHT, I finally got the Saxophone fixed. Turns out it wasn't all me. I need to practice still to get my sound better, but it won't squeak now, and it sounds good! God, i missed that thing. i really do love playing it, especially music that was hard once, but after playing it enough it gets easier, and then you can just GIVE 'ER. god, i missed it so much.
other than that, school is still stupid. I feel out of place most of the time, like a butterfly. Yeah, I really am a social butterfly. but I haven't got much of a place to land when i need to. Emma is there, butt hings are just... hollow? Not with her, I love her to death, but in that room, where they all were last year, the year before... the year before... It's like living in a house that once had family members, and then they all died, and you continue living on in there, with nothing but their ghosts floating around like smoke every so often, haunting you, reminding you...
and, it's not even that, really.
It's all me. it's all my head, how badly fucked up it's gotten. It's been bend around so many corners, it'll never straighten out now, and that idea hurts. but then again, I'm used to it, right?
today, I'm tired. Tomorrow, I'm tired. Today I'm alone, Tomorrow I'm alone. But this goes beyond tomorrow, doesn't it folks?
but I'm neutral right now. I'm not depressed, I'm not happy, I'm "normal"... mm, no I'm on a new scale. I'm Angry. I'm Jealous, Angry, pissed off, and tired. All I want is that, but I'm not getting it. Maybe I got too dependant on the faux feeling of it, the simulation... bah, I don't know.

I wish I could turn off anything I wanted, like me, my head, my heart, anything, everything. I wish I could... boy, if that were possible...