damnit. i thought it was june.

So last night, I tried to figure out when people started bullying me, and I couldn't. I remember being bullied in the senior school and up, and I remember being a loner before that...
but why?
Maybe I was born into paranoia... but why?
I don't know. I can't figure out why it's like that.

well.... another mystery of my life that will only be revealed to me at the most random moment imaginable.

it's all in the hips.

Hasn't Hit me yet

You say that you're leaving
Well that comes as no surprise
Still I kinda like this feeling
Of being left behind

Yea this ain't nothing new to me
Well it's just like going home
It's kinda like those sunsets
That leave you feeling so stoned

Hey hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet
I fell through this crack
And I kinda lost my head
I stand transfixed
Before this street light
Watching the snow fall
On this cold December night

I never thought this could happen
But somehow the feeling is gone
You got sick of the patterns
And I got lost in this song
Hey hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet
I fell through this crack
And I kinda lost my head
I stand transfixed
Before this streetlight
Watching the snow fall
On this cold December night

And out in the middle of Lake Ontario
The same snow is falling
On the deep silent water
The great dark wonder
Into the waves of my heart
Into the waves of my heart

blue rodeo, baby!

Heart of the Sunrise

Love comes to you and you follow
Lose one on to the heart of the sunrise
SHARP-DISTANCE
How can the wind with its arms
All around me

Lost on a wave and then after
Dream on on to the heart of the sunrise
SHARP-DISTANCE
How can the wind with so many around me
Lost in the city

Lost in their eyes as you hurry by
Counting the broken ties they decide
Love comes to you and then after
Dream on on to the heart of the sunrise
Lost on a wave that you're dreaming
Dream on on to the heart of the sunrise
SHARP-DISTANCE
How can the wind with its arms all around
Me
SHARP-DISTANCE
How can the wind with so many around me
I feel lost in the city

Lost in their eyes as you hurry by
Counting the broken ties they decided

Straightt light moving and removing
SHARPNESS of the colour sun shine
Straight light searching all the meanings
Of the song
Long last treatment of the telling that
Relates to all the words sung
Dreamer easy in the chair that really fits
You

Love comes to you and then after
Dream on on to the heart of the sunrise
SHARP-DISTANCE
How can the wind with its arms all around
Me
SHARP-DISTANCE
How can the wind with so many around me
I feel lost in the city

--- Heart of the Sunrise, YES

Well.... what else?

I'll cover you

Well, it finally hit me last night.
When I needed to sleep the most, when I needed to tap out, it hit me, just how much things were changing.
How much everything would change. in one week.
in one week.
what will I do with my nights? for the first time, I'm only going to be working one night a week, and the rest of the time I will have nights off.
and what will I do?
I won't be able to be where I want to be. I won't be with the one person who makes me forget about everything that went wrong that day.
in one week.
and it actually hit me last night, all the possible emotions that I could feel when it happens, when I realize "oh shit... this isn't the same", all at once.

It wasn't nice.

turbulent stills

So last night I went to see Jesus Christ Superstar.
It was good.
I recruited yet another person wanting to go see Radiohead. so far, looks like he's in the running, unless Angus happens to be able to go again, or Mike calls me back.
if neither of those do, then Scott Giroux will probably get the ticket.
and to toronto I go.
back to the musical...
it was good. very good. Overwhelming in many points. they did better than we did with West Side Story, seeing's how our band fucked up big time.
Fairbrother wasn't involved with this one, and it was obvious.
thank god.
but seeing this musical, nevertheless, made me miss West Side...
Actually, it made me miss the stage in general. To have an audiences attention...
save for those few jerks sitting across from me. assholes. good thing they left...
but I miss the stage. Seeing the musical made me wish I was still playing Guitar, still writing songs, or at least learning them.
I miss a lot of things. and people.
Sounds like Josh might actually think about me once in a blue moon, or so Sherry told me last night.
I don't know how I'll handle seeing him, should I ever again... I've got to say, while I Know that I'm in love with, well, one person mentioned in this post, I have to say that if I ever loved anyone else almost as much, it would have to be another person mentioned in this post.
and its kind of odd.
I see one of the all the time, and the other I never see. so, i really don't know how to handle seeing him again. I hope I don't go all weird like I do sometimes...

but we shall see, shant we?

I miss a lot of things.
I am very sad over it.
ha.

I just read through this.
I'm stupid

Auriel

man..

I just don't know these things. Ha.

I was told today that my schedule at work would be changing soon, because of all the people coming and going (including myself, but that part won't be happening for another few months), and that I would be working some day shifts.
not something I wanted to hear.
see, that would mean I would have to do propane... and it's summer, which means there's going to be a lot of Propane. and the Day crowd is completely different than the night crowd. there are still idiots, but there are a lot more assholes too. not something I want to deal with.
I'm also running into the problem again of not having an outlet for a lot of this anger im finding inside me. Anger from work, from home, from my own brain. Just a lot of shit that I can't get out of me. I have no idea how to get rid of it. It's stuck in there, in me, and instead of flipping out to get it out, It's gnawing away from the inside out, slowly eating away at me, killlllliiiiiing me.

it's a horrid feeling. I have no way out, nowhere to turn.

Ontop of that:
that one feeling I get, that feeling where I forget this anger, where I feel good, clear, happy, is going to be taken away from me.
Sure, I will see him again, and I'll be moving to Oakville soon enough and will be able to see him easier... but that would require public transit. and we all know about me and the public...
yes, moving to a city requires this, I'm aware.
which leads to the next issue:
Me freaking out!!!!!!!!!! but not, because I can't, remember?

Moving to a city, what else can you do BUT take public transit everywhere?
walk. run. bike....

I'll never see him. not this often, obviously, which is what has been keeping me alive for a while.

Guess I'll have to learn how to breath underwater again....

I'm getting to that place again: where I can't find myself, and thus don't know where this place is either.
scary

-insert big sigh here-

I am very tired.

Life is at a strange point right now.
My computer arrives tomorrow. I'm excited for that... well, I WAS excited, now I'm very neutral.
Things are about to undergo a significant change. it's a scary prospect staring me in the face, giving me this big slobbery grin, and all I've got to stand up to it with is a new computer.... which doesn't do much for most of the other parts of my life.
which are few.

so tired...
Haven't had a day off in over a week. I shouldn't complain, i know, because the hours aren't bad or anything... I'm just sick of it all.
I'm getting back into feeling small and insignificant to anyone or anything. I feel very lost in this mess of a world, another thing I'm becoming more and more aware of everytime I wake up.
He's moving away soon. two weeks, I think. no more.
I was supposed to have a night with him at a concert, but he can't go anymore.
now I have a ticket with no one to give it to...

it all seems so useless, suddenly. everything I try, in vain..

I've come to realize just where I stand in the world. it's a vague understanding, but it's the most I've ever had.
I'm celibate.... for good. No more future prospect, no more expectations that maybe someday I'll change, and actually WANT sex, and enjoy it. no more of that. therefore, no men. or any relationships for that matter. I mean, come on. take out the sex, what have you got? a guy who will get very pissed very quickly.
so...
I'm alone. now.
It's not like I really DECIDED to be celibate, I just realized that that's what I am, and it's the best choice for me anyway.

I'm so tired...

I hate feeling lonely. It doesn't help to feel lonely, and not want to be around anyone at the same time.
well, other than him, i mean.

I would say that I need out, but I've been getting reminded all too much of my mortality lately that I'm just going to take what I can get.

what a disappointment I am, A daughter who will never feel loved.
Sorry mom...

No Apologies Necessary

There isn't a lot going on in my life right now.
I'm in the midst of a 12-day week at work. it's tiring. I'm starting to feel it today.
Things are, bit by bit, coming into perspective, in terms of the next couple of months.
Sometime in June, I have to call and make sure we get an apartment. In the meantime, I'm to go to a concert with love-of-my-life, so-called...
Things seem so sketchy for no reason. and then I think I'm getting a better feel of things, when I'm really not. or maybe I am...
So much Uncertainty. It's all that makes up me, and... so on...

*sigh*
I'm way too lonely to survive this. I just don't have anyone anymore.

And I won't change.

muh.

fuck it.

Catching Moon Water

Her window is down
on the coldest night of the year.
Hand out the window,
thinking she's catching
purple moon water.
And it freezes in her palm,
blowing away in the wind again,
Singing to her,
whispering sweet nothings.
She flies up and away,
into clouds of starry rain,
and purple moon water soaks her
through
and through.

im not a fan of palm trees, but that is an awesome sunset

faking dress

Well, I don't know how to explain myself.
There are days of rolling hills, in least picturesque way imaginable.
I've blown my money, for good, for great, for bad.
I've built myself the perfect walls to keep the dirt from falling on my head. Sadly I'm sabotaging them every waking second of my life.

Dreams, Dreams...
They're killing me. Bit by bit, my dreams are swallowing me whole, cackling in the process.
I've failed so many tests in my life. I've failed people, people I wanted to please more than anything.
I've lost all sight of the things I used to gaze at in wonder, with hope, with some kind of... love.

and still, i'm standing.
and why am I standing?

I have been told a lot of things, some being very kind to the ear. But inside me there will always be that dominant voice, hollow and bitter. Bitterly true.
"Nope. This is a giant Lie. It's all a dance that you've danced for lifetimes. You will never escape the doom that is humanity"

a kind thought at the end of the night, sitting in front of the computer after an "intense" day.
I don't know how to get there. Every so often, an idea would come to mind, and from that would stem a series of "what-if"'s, More ideas, and hopes..
BASH!
lets begin again, shall we?

Why can't something follow through for a loooong time?

She wonders why she gets headaches.
But every day, just as she falls asleep, she remembers how long she's been holding her head up, how many times her jaws have clenched. She remembers how many tears she should have cried, how they were kept for another day, for a better reason. She counts the times she rubbed her neck, a shoulder, and imagined it was someone elses hands, someone else breathing in her ear.
She wonders why she keeps going.
But every day, as she pulls herself from her bed, she feels regret that she's missed the morning. She wonders what's happened, what she's missed. She hopes for the sun, and hopes for the rain.
She wonders whose voice is in her ear:
When she hears "I can't", "When will it end?", "When will I know?"
She wonders if it is her own voice,
why?
She wonders if there is reason to it-
what?
She hopes someone else knows..
and doesn't say anything.

Karma Purge

I've been dreaming lately,
things I don't want to dream.
I don't even know what they are, but I'm dreaming them.
And every day, I keep hearing the word "alternative" something or other, in my head. And it feels like a Dejavu, because it keeps happening.
I keep dreaming the same thing over and over, but every night it gets murkier than the night before. I can't quite make out the shapes that are normally so vibrant and outstanding.

I've been feeling lonely lately. Even surrounded by people I'm familiar with, the feeling of having someone is starting to hang over me, taunting me in a sense, because I'll never have it.
To be allowed to touch someone "intimately". not in that way, but to caress their arm, just to feel that they exist. to remember the feeling of their shirt on my palm, how their body molds it and lets it slide in some areas and not in others.

It's strange, you might think. After all these years of thinking I'm not a touchy person, I find it's what I miss the most.
Not to be touched, I don't like being touched. Just like I don't like being Photographed. Yet, I'm a Photographer.
I hate being touched (by most, there are SOME exceptions), and yet I long to feel another being.
Maybe to prove that everything I see really DOES exist. Maybe I'm just losing touch with myself. It seems so likely to me now, to lose myself in my own mind, to go insane from being left alone for so long.
I'm Out of Maintenance, I suppose.

I won't be with someone though. When my body and my mind ache for someone to hold, to feel beneath my fingers, I will not look, or substitute.
I simply can't handle another waste.
Because everyone between now and death is a time-bomb on my behalf-
save for him.

My world spins around me when I feel him.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of Destitution the other night. it carried me into a place I've been before, and everytime I return, I get more and more familiar with it's very own surroundings. Like going to a friends house, and getting to know how the house moves at night in the rain and sun.
It was a feeling of realizing how much of myself I could lose with so little effort, and in so little time.

I didn't know she would be coming back for a bit. And it's not a fear of something happening between them that scares me. it's the reminder that he loves her, is enamoured by her, and that I could never fill shoes like those.
A feeling of nothing.

but what could I do. I'm stuck with it. I'm stuck in a place I don't belong, and yet I belong there more than anywhere else.
This house is no shelter, Work no longer a decent Distraction.
I'm truly losing myself, bits of me blowing away in the wind, leaves falling off the tree. To hybernate through the winter, or because the sun is gone?
I'll never know for sure.