what a great day.
i didn't wake up the best, considering i had some very disturbing and sad dreams, but the rest of the day made up for that completely!
Band was great, cheers to joel! woot! we kicked ass, as is custom.

but what topped the day? the Bus.
Im sitting in the bus, and we're backing up a driveway, as we do every so often, and i suddenly realize the tires are spinning. little did I know I would spend the next 40 minutes sitting in that bus in that driveway.
turns out we had backed a little too close to the ditch, and slowly the back of the bus slid into the ditch. we spent the next 40 minute trying to get out (the bus, that is) with little help from a truck. stupid ford, of course, didn't do squat other than get us further into the dirt.
when we decided to get onto a different bus, we walked over holes from the trucks wheels that were almost a foot deep! and when we looked at the bus, the bottom of the front of the bus was touching the ground, and the wheels were almost halfway under ground. it was GREAT! look out one window, just air. look out the other, just ground! but it was a great 40 minutes....well, i guess it would be hour and a bit. what a great day! lovely. completely made up for the wholly depressing and scary dreams of last night.

i woke up with a horrible dream of a virus in my head. the dream was like a training video or something. there was a man, a soldier, standing in one corner, and this poof of smoke went up. all you see is this mans body begin to bloat up, and then he falls on the ground with his clothing popping off from all the bloated-ness. and after a while, the air explodes from him and hes back to normal size, only dead and deformed. disturbing!
before that was a dream just as bad, only not on the same scale. It was years down the road, and I was sitting with someone at the gas pumps at the pro, only there were different people in the pro, selling fries and everything. and this person was a "friend" of mine, only he was much older. his face was older, there were wrinkles forming, and his hair was getting long and receding, his eyes faded and dull. and i remember him saying "I still have razors" and holding out the back of his hand, where there were marks from him cutting himself. then things got complicated. It was as if i was watching a history of our friendship, only none of it had happened. like history to come. and throughout it, it was like I was trying to keep him happy, as if he was a depressed person and i was trying desperately to show him there was a meaning to living. and in the end, all i remember is him running through a field, mad and trying to kill himself. I remember chasing him down and stopping him, and just as the dream was changing, i remember trying to calm him down and sooth him, but it was like he had gone too far to really save, and he looked at me so helplessly. i had his life in my hands. but it was a dream. and I hope thats all it ever is, a really bad dream.
It was the most forboding dream I've ever had, and i hated it. it was horrible. horrible horrible.

but at least it didn't get me down.

quote of the day:
"see, my taste buds are at the back of my throat...so, I get pleasure from swallowing things"

thats better than this one from a while back:
"So why did you make the six-foot tall guy sit on the hump?"
"I dont like humps!"

have fun! hurrah coffee chocolate!

Yes, I am a spider killer. Mickey, you would be proud.
this morning in the shower, there was a spider threatening my life. so I flicked water at it until it fell and went down the drain. take that, spiders of canada! Emily wins!

what a blast from the past today! Not long after i first moved into this house (actually, ok, 2 years afterwards) a little boy and his mother moved in next door to us, Zack and Leslie. Leslie became friends with my mom, and I would play Zack all the time, being 10 and him 4. it was fun days! they had only rented the place, so they moved a year after they moved in, and we were friends until my mom had a bit of a problem with leslie years ago. Last time I saw zack was when I was in grade....8, I believe. wow! time flies! He came in tonight, and he walked in with his dad and i thought,
"I know that kid. he looks so famil- ZACK!" and I got his attention. he looked at me wierd, and i said "Guess me name." and he said-gasp- "Emily!"
WOH!
the kid is 10 now, the age I was when we met. wierd! and hes still short and playing hockey. typical stirling-er. aww, i missed him!

so tonight at work, things were going to a slightly different beat. Emma came along towards 8:30 and hung around for half-an-hour. that made time fly by too quickly. it was fun though! funfun! i guess its just the idea of work that I dont like.
oh well. its all for the greater good....

so that is my blog for tonight. hurrah for zack! that kid was messed up, hyper active and so close to being on ridullin. so cool though! I love meeting people I haven't seen for ages. its fun.

goodnight!

i got tipped 20 bucks! wicked!
someone baught some Nevada tickets, and won 2-300 hundred, or something, so she gave me 20 bucks! awesome! go me!

so its been a good week. I am happy. hurrah! I've spent some hours working on a portrait (forgive me, kirsten!, what can I do?). its turning out better than I thought it would, though im having trouble with the stars. gark. oh well. im still happy! woot! lots of energy

i still want to go out with someone though. im desperate to go and hang out with some people, and -gasp! I'm about to say something I never thought I would say ever again!- I want to PARTY! not drinking party, just a bunch of people goofing around! MAN! SO in the mood for that! oh well, it wont happen, but i still want it to....
i should make plans to go to the movies or something, and drag emma along, or someone... hurrah for money. an inhibitor and catalyst.

annnyyyywayyyy....my eyes are tired, but im not! i want coffee, not a good thing to have at 11 something at night, but i still want it. i smelled it all night, and now i want it!
COFFEE! im a cafeine freak now. NOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!.........

bblablablablabla

i watched superman. stupid me! couldn't help it though. i had never seen the start of it before, and now i have. go me!...not

welp, time to go sleepy!!!!!!!!! yay sleep, if it ever comes! I will read first...OH SHIT! I have a test monday! gasp! time to read!

this week has been:
fun and boring
comfortable and unbearable
nice and mean

but hey! im in a good mood! and I'm desperate for something to do! SO desperate. help me! i need to expend more energy! I'm tired but wired, and really want to hang out with some friends. so desperate, gaaah. not faaaiirrr

i WAS going to go to a show tonight, but everyones car is filled up, so of course I'm left without a ride. damn me! but now i'm home for the night. I think I will end up painting or something....
i really dont want to. I wish it was lunch time again. maybe I'll just go to sleep early, or something.
GARGAGGAEGHLKLI!!!!! I want something to DOOOO!

moms home tonight, there goes some of the fun. I dont want to watch tv or a movie, i want something to DO, but that won't happen. moms home. the week has been a lot like this. I've had energy, but I've been wired at the same time, so its a very fake energy. im just tired and bored out of my wits. its horrible. and i DONT want tomorrow to come. man, i wish I had a ride tonight, so I could chill out with the guys. i wish i had my G2! friggers!

anyhoo.......really nothing else to type up. good week, better than I thought it would be. Lines to memorize yet. sigh. i should sleep

and the routine returns

so school is back, and so am I. already I'm used to it again, but things aren't as bad as I thought they might be. my state of mind has been decided as on the edge of a little depressed and quite happy. in other words, i am content. which is good! im satisfied as long as i remain content, but being in between those other two can be a bad place. it means i can easily be put closer towards one.

but hey, thats getting harder and harder to do as time goes on.

so life right now is good. i recently became aware of a trip next year to England/Scotland, and I'm going! its a back-packing trip! hurrah! i'm going to another continent for the first time! it will be awesome (i hope)!

I haven't got much to say, since most of its just brewing around pointlessly in my head and its really not worth telling, since its all the same. in other words...
GOODNIGHT AMER- wait - ONTARIO

take that! Ontario is better than an entire country

My hero without intention...

-yawn-
tomorrow school is up again, and I'm not looking forward to it. i noticed that my mood dropped more and more as today approached, so I can only imagine what a sour mood I will be in tomorrow morning. well, thats to be expected.

Long a boring day. finished APS, but its crap, of course. half of the stuff i was supposed to do didn't get done. mostly because I couldn't remember what page it was on or whatever. stupid me and my lack of writing notes. tuesday is a big unit test, and I haven't done any studying for it....me? study? as if!

so, what am I looking forward to when going back to school after a pitiful march break? musical theatre. i AM looking forward to that right now. I want to dance! lol. wow, I actually want to dance.

Sad day, sad sad day. sad because of tomorrow, sad because of a few weeks ago, sad sad sad. nothing else! what reason have I got to be sad? plenty. what reason have I got to be happy? plenty, im sure, I just cant seem to appreciate those ones very much, not that I appreciate being sad either.

stupid gord! he is the antagonist of my life, he laughs at his own jokes hysterically like someone about to have a heart attack, or a stroke. hes annoying, and if i sound cruel, shoot me. Shoot me in the head and end my idiotic, distasteful, and just plain dumb life. and if that sounds bad, oh well.
Im not being very serious, I just feel like typing whatever comes to mind, however rude or bla it sounds. blablabla

so? I'm a metaphorical person. Thats a recent conclusion I've gotten, thanks to emma. I confused her! great! lovely. i love confusing people, it gets the best out of them! sometimes... but its true. i tend to think in metaphors more than often. i think in them more than reality, which is creative but only to a certain level, i guess. but its fun. its fun to think of how some things relate to others so well, but no one really notices until someone uses it as a metaphor, or a simile. thank god i learned about those! hurrah for grammar and literature!
speaking of books, i was supposed to read something over the break, wasn't I? well, I was also supposed to memorize lines, but THAT didn't happen

oops. sorry Mr.g! not that I have many lines to memorize, but it just didn't get done. oops!

so tired. time for bed at 8:30PM!
Adios!

Another long day at work, and a long night of study ahead. stupid APS!

Mom is away in T.O for the night, coming back tomorrow night, while I'm working, yet again. hurrah. so the plan is to study, possibly go to emmas, if time is found either saturday or sunday. so much work ahead, and i haven't done a bloody thing.

Spanish guitar is awesome. i'm so glad i baught those cds last night. most beautiful guitar i've heard, and such easy listening. except i have scratched one cd already. damn me!
tired. headache growing in the centre of my forehead, very annoying. what a nice day? yay spring! I'm looking outside at the sunset, even though stupid pro is in the way, i can see the light from it. nice light, i missed it over the winter. it gets a certain sort of colour to it when there isn't snow reflecting it or anything. like a creamy yellow, and the sky is that smoggy orangish mesh with blue. yay sun! shine on!

yeah, alright day. i was left alone at the counter when a GIANT line up came in, and then the lotto machine stopped working. whoops! amazing how that effects things.
eeew, stinky feet!

wow! i just suddenly went out for a minute. my mind just took flight elsewhere. no! come back! i need you to read and work!
i wish i did something over march break, like say, get together with a friend? but nope, why would I do something like that? I'm Emily, the sheltered person whos going slightly crazy (queen song), why would I try to have a social life?
ill just go blow my money on other stuff i COULD live without, but want anyway.
HA!

enough of that. so, have a good evening all...i wonder If gord will take me out for supper tonight? likely not. damn. have fun!

if all else fails, rely on a debit card...
actually, thats not good advice, but meh

Tonight was my first shopping spree (alone, mind you) with my DEBIT CARD and my OWN money. -little dance-
money spent: around 180$
yikes.

Three shirts, new wallet, three cds (two being a double set), Led Zeppelin magnet, and
drum toll
a book on buddhism. at last!
so it was a good spend. i should make up for the money spent tomorrow after i deposit my cheque. sigh. so tired now.

ran into an old friend from grade 8 while I was out as well, one Amy Howitt. very cool. talk to her for a bit, shes working at the Empire Theatre, which is awesome! whoot!
also ran into Sari Watson, said hi, later... i run into her a lot at work too though, so there you go... fun fun!

cds were a spanish guitar set, best of the blue set, and one for me mum being finger 11. I think she regrets having chosen that one (even though it was MY money) after we listened to it for the first time. i can see why. first 5 songs sound exactly alike, then we skipped a bunch so she could hear the one popular song from the radio, the good one.

so i had to hide my receipts from mom too, since i spent a whole load. if she knew, she would be pissed, since my second purchase from Sams was a total of 80$ with only two cds and the magnet. yipers!

stupid gord, trying to lecture mom. stupid stupid man.

so tired. of course, no work on APS done because im STUPID and LAZY and SICK...well, being sick doesn't effect what I do that much, but ill still use it as an excuse. so sick. i would use some dristan, and then 2 hours later my nose would be completely stuffed, like a brick wall was installed up my nose or something. if someone covered my mouth, i would suffocate. i would DIE man!

so, have another good night! im off once more to settle into my permanent state of zonk

and so i have returned, yet again.

people are starting to remember my name now at work, and i mean customers, not coworkers. its actually kind of nice!

heres a story that isn't mine to tell but im putting it in anyway

One day, when i wasn't working, a guy was getting gas while there were a bunch of people in the store, and this guy is a friend of the people who work at the pro. so, hes getting gas outside, and we have a speaker system set up out there, incase people have problems.
well, this friend turns on the speaker, and for all the little children and people to hear, says into the mike-
"I am a premature ejaculater"
lovely! the people who come into this place are honestly awesome. i love it!

so, tomorrow i WILL work on APS, because it will be thursday, and i will start to get freaked out by stuff, finally.

so, i really haven't got much going on at the moment. i plan on sleeping, working, eating, and sleeping once more, not in that order. i might go to emmas, if shes feeling better, on the weekend, but i dont think it will happen. poor emma, getting her wisdom teeth out.
get better, emma!

yup, that shall be all for tonight.
sleep tight, little people!

gee, officer krupke, krup you!

I guess I AM going for surgery. damn. i guess that if the cyst gets too big it will wrap around my tendons, then ill have a
GNARLED HAND!!!!
eew.
so, back to square one. no more cyst. awwwww:(

stupid wrist

so things are....dumb. I am working tonight, no longer working dayshifts, and i have the horrible feeling that Min (my boss) will make me work alone, withOUT tara to help me. noooo! nooooo! gack. i hate being new and not remembering all these friggen prices. I enjoyed working daytime, too!
oh well.

debit card has arrived, but the les Paul will wait until i build up some more money. buahaha. then i can get mooorrrreeeee.ooooooo. yikes, already planning what to do with money i dont have yet.
suppose i get fired?
that would be nice.

?!?!?!?!?!?

Ah, Led Zeppelin, who doesn't like them?
ok, never mind...

so I have to do homework, but of course I wont, because im one of those people in APS who doesn't give a flying fuck whether i pass....though, I do care, because I need the course for next years courses. well, shows you how much initiative I have. geez. Come on! Its march break! I'm supposed to do nothing but laze around when not working...
i was going to paint, but....nope. no drive for that either.
so laaazy. stuuuupid.

I looked up my own name in MSN, and found that all four of those profiles are just mine. wow. how many emails do I have????....1...2....3....4! wow, ok, that makes sense. one is from when I was 14! holy crapper. i should get rid of those, or something. lol. frig.

so, I guess thats all I really have to type in today, for now...no, thats all. not an interesting day thus far, but its only the morning (stupid cold, waking me up this early) and who knows what another shift will bring?

what shall I type, what shall I type, what shall I type...

wellwellwell

Today was the first day-shift at work. not too bad, either. some very strange people show up, not that it bugs me. I like the wierd ones, they're closer to me, in that wierd sense. buahaha!
things have gotten to the point where, at night, i get energy. good for while working nights, but afterwards it takes some hours to wind down, and by that point its 2AM and I should just forget about sleep because IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. I've always known I would become the night owl, runs in the family, i believe, i'm just not going to be the happy night owl. another things that runs in the family.
CONSTANT DISAPPOINTMENT.
thats the high expectations for you.
tomorrow I will receieve my first Debit card, and then I may begin depositting cheques, as well as fantasizing about my LES PAUL to come. Epiphone, I know, but still an electris. if only patrick hadn't sold his special edition...

eyes are burning, sty from saturday morning just beginning to go away, and i am sick. I got two hours of actual deep sleep last (this morning, I guess would be more correct) due to my nose being stuffed up and it taking until about 5 am to realize I could take some pills and sniff some dristan.
like cocaine. oo, yeah!
not.
so i did, then i "slept". then i awoke and went to work. tiring work day. I should not be handling money, money with all these germs all over it, handling every bit of it. arg. well, hopefully I will build an immune system from it.
maybe!

the eyes are tired, but I've got that horrible energy still keeping me up and going, you know? that annoying bit to keep you on the very edge of sleep, but not over it. very very stupid, but....gah.

cold fingers.

not very many pleasant thoughts last night (too much hopeless fantasies, they ended up keeping me awake until early hours, of course). many realizations are beginning to emerge, none of which i will believe once I'm back at school. Naturally, being away from those who have that bipolar effect on me, I'm in a good mood. I don't have to think about certain things and actions on other peoples behalf so much as my own problems. I'm just thinking about how to spend my time, like the good old days.
soon as I'm back at school, everything will jump back to what it was, and the circle shall be completed yet again. stupid cycles! i run through these damn things like... bla.
makes me hate school.
I shouldn't hate school, considering its my only escape into the world other than work, but i'm beginning to dread it in the morning again. West Side Story, though coming along all right, is having its problems, both on its own and with me. i'm not very happy with it, though i am pleased, if that works. G is having trouble with people over it, etc etc, so the first bit of the day is bla. APS is a well known story. CRAP.
second half of the day includes lunch, which is fine while im going through it, but fifth period I'm always out and down. relapse, i suppose.
sixth, I just want to sleep or go home before i have to work for the rest of the horrible night.
so there are my days. would you not dread them as well? I actually look forward to going home at night now, even for the twenty minutes I'm there before I'm at work. even so, i miss it now, and wish I could just go there, or to dads, and just sleep peacefully, without all these strings attatched.

speaking of dads, I went there last night, watched Devils Advocate, the Russia House, and City of Ghosts. all horrible movies save for Devils Advocate. AWESOME movie. i loved it. i watched once upon a time in mexico today as a free rental. cool movie. i liked it. gord wouldn't shutup, of course. stupid teenager movies, blablabla

well, he didn't say that, but he might as well have. anything I watch has to be crap, because he never understands it. like while im watching Angels in America. awesome show, but he thinks otherwise, blabla. older blog there.

Decided to say Fuck You to surgery on the wrist. it will just come back anyway, so fuck wasting that much money on something useless. like pat and his carpol tunnel. it always comes back, so why waste more money on it? also decided to forget about the "possibility" of seeing a doctor about the actual Bipolar problem. i dont want pills or anything, or therapy, or anything that requires that type of status...blablabla. i dont care. I'll deal. always have before.

its funny. I'm listening to the women/girls at work talk about guys (sunshine boy in particular in the paper) and I'm thinking of how amazing it is, that i never think like that. they drool over these guys, and I'm like "what? nah" to it all. stupid conversations, but I can't help but think highly of being different in that sense of thinking. I dont think that same as them, i suppose, but then again, look at the situation they're in. They've known eachother for years, they're at work, casual place, whynot talk so?...so I guess I'm the weirdo there. ha. still funny to me.

anyway, much nonsense about nothing (ado) so there you go.
i'm off...for a while. hoping for DSL!!!!

Don't trip unless its worth the fall

and so I have returned.
Not many things to update on, but then again, im not sure who reads this, so im not sure whats safe to post and whats not.
anyway, perhaps an update on the emotion status.
Thoughts have begun to form that I may be "in love" with one, and "Obsessed" over the other. however, as a friend so clearly pointed out one night while talking, it could be that I simply have a defense mechanism up and running, making me THINK i'm only obsessed over one...
well, that could work.
however, everything is at a stand still, and of course I have no clue as to whats going on otherwise with either parties. though one has lost his wallet.

Guitar wise, I have finished learning The Rain Song, and plan on getting my first electric guitar, a Les Paul, next weekend.
I am working 11-5 monday wednesday and friday this week, and planning on going to the dads tomorrow (sunday). hurrah!
I have the BIGGEST urge to get camping, just get out into the country. how I miss it, being able to walk around and not have buildings or roads, just trees or fields, all that stuff. I miss it.
fingers are freezing!
otherwise, things have been alright. I'm getting back my sunny side again, despite having had some disappointments recently., well, that can only be expected in my life and my high expectation of people. bad thing to have, but then again, it gives you the good fortune of being able to look at people with the best opinions. like giving them a 100% mark and giving them the chance to keep it at that. they do something wrong, then the 100% goes down. but until then, I think highly of people. I have that respect of people. but then again, after someone calling for my mother and asking if I was her son...umm, well, no, I'm her daughter Emily. no "sorry" or anything, just, well im calling to leave your mother a message....
blablabla. im a girl. I've heard myself on the phone before, and compared to how I look/act, i sound like a girl...i think.
makes you wonder...

I will admit now: I am a lonely person. I guarantee that I will not get together with any friends of mine over march break. I will see them in the Pro, but nothing more. i've told People to drop by, but they dont (of course. I'm a horrible entertainer, I'm not an interesting person unless you are into the things I'm into, and if not, I'm not the person who hang out with. I guess a lot of people just dont care, so there you go.) lol! there i go, blaming everyone else. I need to get out more. I make the effort once in a while, but otherwise I'm a hermit who works at the conveniant store across the street. I'm a hard person to get out of their hole. people need to encourage me! I'm stuborn and extremely sensitive...lol. yes, I'm aware that some people I know disagree, but I am. I'm paranoid, and it takes time for me to put trust in people, lots of time and certain deeds. I'm an observer, eavesdropper, etc etc. I go by how people act, so it takes time with me.
I analyze things too much.
whats the point of this? nothing, just that I'm lonely and wish people would surprise me and drop by or something. even email me! i dont care, i just want someone to at least TRY to contact me. thats me and my preferred stubornity and isolation.

anyway, 11:24. I am D/L Rejected, of course, need to see the rest of it. and am thinking of d/l Pablo Francisco as well. so friggen funny! Love it!
wide-awake, so many different emotions and thoughts going through my system, and I wish I could get it all down on paper, or something, but I have no clue how to translate it at all. I wish i could tap this energy, but I can't find the right spot so that it would come out right, just perfect. nothing is perfect with me, i suppose.
sigh
I'm such a hopeless romantic. I should really give up on it, since no one will ever want to sweep ME off my feet, of all people. I want to drop it, but I'm obsessed with the idea of love. I'm the bohemian who hasn't been in love before. lol! I am so Christian from moulin rouge, horrible resemblance but its true. I love the idea of Truth, Beauty and Love.
gasp
Queen! they did that song! the show must go on! Man, i can't believe I just clued into these lyrics now
inside my heart is breaking, my make up may be flaking, but my smile stays on, something like that.
wow.
anyway, I believe that shall be all for tonight. so, this hopeless bohemian romantic says goodnight, and keep watching the stars.
not for spaceships or aliens, just enjoy them for what they are, far above us and out of reach, it seems.

I am a bitter person.
Don't tell me that you have never hated the world for continuing to spin when you felt like shit, or hated everyone else for being happy when you felt like shit. don't say its never happened, because it has, you know it has!
Why does the world have to keep going around without you? Why can everyone else be happy, but not you?

contradiction

why do people always have to know whats wrong when they can't help?
why can't someone have all the answers for you?

im being miserable, but thats because I'm tired and was hoping to go out tonight. but nope!
not like THATS the first time...

grumble grumble

I get up at seven, yeah, and I go to work at nine.
Got no time for livin, yes, I'm working all the time.
seems to me I could live my life
a lot better than I think I am.
I guess thats why they call me
the working man.

ahh, rush, how true that song is becoming...well, other than the Man part.

So, I'm back! pictures from the coffee house were developed this morning while I slept and my mother went to belleville without me. I meant to get up at ten to go with her, but two hours later....

i've now fallen into eating two meals a day, work you know, and sleeping in, what not...
see, weekends, I get up at twelve and have brunch. then I have an early supper, go to work, get back at 11 and go online or sleep, usually one then the other. weekdays, i get up eaaarly, eat, go to school, get home, eat, work, home, sleep. just like that.
no lunch for me!!!!

but hurrah for money. mom's already getting itchy about my plans for it.
Les Paul, WebCam, Bongos...lots of noise from MUSIC, oooo.... i love money now!
stupid money...

the goal of the week is to get time go get a Bank Card, so i can actually use this money and deposit stuff. thats going to be a hard thing to do, considering I'm either at school or at work. no time in between save for getting some grub, and that takes time, man!

lets see.... i think I shall share some stories from the last week....

lets start off with a tip. NEVER let go of the hose.
I was filling up a bucket to clean with at work. the tap there has a hose on it, sot hat it can reach down to the mop bucket or whatever. anyway, i put it in, turn on the water and let it fill up. well, typical Engel genes kick in here, and I start getting impatient because its filling up soooo slowly. one hand is leaning on the sink, the other goes and turns up the water.
OOP!
hose goes flying into the air, spraying everything and everyone (just me) in the little room. i got soaked before i could turn of the water and catch the hose.
am I stupid? or tired all the time?

story number two...
always make sure there is room in the car for someone.
well, coffee house night, i could not take home my amp and cabinet. this was because i had to get a ride with Patrick, and I also had to take Josh home...in the firebird.
that car, for those who do not know, is falling apart. Josh knows all too well now. to put the windows up and down, he had to hold the button while patrick hammered the engine inside the door. interesting!!! also, after going a little ways into Joshes driveway, patrick had to open the door to see behind him. he also told the story of how he had to use hand signals because his signals didn't work.
well, not only did we have those little improv sessions, but there was also a guitar and childseat int he car with us. I sat in one seat while Josh, a VERY tall person (but thankfully flexible) sat on the hump in the middle of the back seat. his head was hitting the ceiling even when he was bent over. poor guy.
and we spent the next 20 or so minutes on those positions while the car made all of its usual sounds. how nice!

"When angus yells, his face goes red..."
lyrics from bram as they were up on stage. that was an interesting little...thing...too. funny night, interesting for sure.

anymore stories?

nope. thats all for now.

BLA!

As i walked home from work (across the street) I looked up at the sky to the moon, and I could see the few clouds, like waves, going past it. I got the sense of diziness, and I couldn't help but let things slip away fora minute while I watched this. it was beautiful. I wish I could see this more often.

I have decided that I will become a night owl, since I'm more awake after getting home than before I go to work.

so i come home and im online listening to music as quiet as I can so I don't wake mother.i've got the cat in the lap again, the cat, of course, being finigan. I just got my first paycheck, niiiice, and I'm already thinking of what to do. OF COURSE i'm getting a webcam! hello!

after that, save for a bit, Les Paul.... maybe reverse those.... well, I can live without the guitar for a bit. webcam!!!! belleville tomorrow, woot.

I've been trying to think about things, but to no avail. I've fallen into yet another pit, but I think I can climb out better... maybe...?

if I drew a picture of myself, with him on one side watching and he on the other watching, there would be a split mark down the middle of my body, and I would be blind. thats one way I feel, other than disoriented and completely deserted.

I'm not fit for any relationship now, I'm afraid. once again i need to sort through things, and it sucks! because it means I need to take a step backwards from somethings, after I had gotten so far! even though I've already been shoved around. christ, it goes to show how well I know where I am... I don't.

And then there was the second depression of the year...

I'm taking this time before going to work to blog. it has been a few days since the last post, and I'm afraid this won't be a happy one. oops!

Last night was the second coffee house of the school year, and was worse than the first one. the set was BAD, mostly on my part for forgetting lyrics and my own friggen song.
along with that, I had a panic attack before the coffee house began, not long after someone arrived. I was caught in a position, and started to get reaaally wound up from it, and not wound up in a happy way.
it was a rough night, an extreme trial, but there were some good parts to it. I won't put details in, since i'm mostly unaware of who actually reads this.i had to leave the amp there over night, and it would have been fine if it ended there, but...
this morning, Mr.G comes up to me and says I should be ashamed of myself for planting my amp on stage and leaving.
I HAD NO CHOICE IN WHEN I LEFT. I had to get a ride home from my brother, who had NO room in the car for an amp, let alone Josh who also needed the ride home. what was I supposed to do? Gord wouldn't come to pick it up, not until tonight will he do that.
then there was trying to find someone who knew where my amp WAS. one part of it was in the Guidance office, and other in the drama storage room. a very aggravating day, mostly put so by the events of last night and Mr.g's comment to me. sorry someone else had to clean it up, but I gave fair warning to the "not the music council", and sorry if they failed to pass on the message like I ASKED.

very sour mood.
so, depression? why?
before last night, I thought i had come a long way in consideration to feelings about someone at the start of the year. I had been sorting through things and was almost done when a tornado hit and blew everything into hell. So now I have started over, back to the beginning. again.
its fucking frustrating.
and there wasn't only one contributor to this problem, there were two. I was bouncing back and forth and my inners were being ripped in two. I could not focus on anything and i felt completely lost. so I was basically screwed up in the head again.
lovely!

well, more on this later. must go get ready for a horrible night of work. soo tired. i just want to fall into my bed and sleep.
maybe cry a bit, or something

Saying of the day: Lick my Fuck
thanks Aric!

what an interesting day.....?
Im still sick, and I have the horrible feeling that I will be walking on stage with a sore throat to sing, and I will sound horrible. its going to SUCK because of me. tomorrow night I'm working, then friday/saturday/sunday nights. all late. at least I can sleep in on the weekend. gark.

I got an idea for COJ (Now being renamed AGAIN to "on the roadside") today on the bus ride to school, and I managed to remember it too! buahaha. hurrah for stories and even those that haven't been started yet. i've lost interest in the one I posted about long ago, back in first semester. thats what happens when I don't get started on these things: i lose interest, and it just looks more and more stupid.

well, as different as the hair is now, I'm starting to settle into it. hair is fun. Tom cut his too on the same weekend, so we both showed up to school with our manes all hacked off. so sad.
ugh, nose is getting stuffed. Help me! tellstory just came on.

I'm bringing a camera to the coffee house thursday as well. need pictures! woot! beware josh!

things in west side story are starting to come along with the sharks with the america song. i watched the rehearsal for once this morning. It was a horrible start though to first period. I hurt caitlin when I spun her too quickly and too hard. her knee was messed up before, and my stupid ignorance got her out of dancing for a while. stupid me. typical. this doesn't seem to be my week, but I'm not really in a bad mood either, which doesn't fit all that well, but meh! i have no problem with that.

coffee house is starting to get me nervous. I need my voice working, and i cant seem to get the right pitch I want. my voice is wavering all over the map and is so dead. its hell! the olive oil idea wont work, i dont think, since it seems to be problems with my ears. pressure! ahh! like singing with someone elses voice...

sigh. friends are great. I love my friends.

I had to put that in there. what would i do without them? they made me who I am, and they are so beautiful and great. hurrah friends!

happy mood.

happy!

Half an hour to go before my feet endure yet another hell at work. woot.
Monday will officially be called Emily's Bipolar Mood day. why? guess.

Its sad! I JUST got a job, and already I don't want to work. I'm so lazy! All I want to do is stay home and let my brain sleep. but no, I have to be wide awake to remember stuff, prices, counting shite, keep charge of gas. Theres something about having to work behind a till that bugs me in a busy store. if it was a wee little store that people hardly pay attention to, such as one WITHOUT gas pumps, i would be great. but so many people go in there to get almost everything you can think of. we sell hats, for christs sake! people come in asking for 32$ of 649 with encore.... what the f***? other people who just want change for the laundromat. remember to bring change! err, quit wasting my time counting. I was fine with formulas in math, but simple math? pfff, as if.

errrrrr. i hate busy places. I AM ANTI SOCIAL, and working in a busy convenient store is not a place where I should be. Up on stage? thats fine. no interacting with the audience, hardly. playing guitar? fine. they listen, they dont ask much of you other than for you to entertain. but to talk to these people who I don't know, remember prices, arg! i don't like that. I don't like being seen all the time. I like being invisible, believe it or not, no matter how much I complain sometimes. I can't believe the job this is doing on my head. that evil thing is visiting me more often than ever now, and its not just in the morning anymore. its always there, this constant fear of being in the open with people I don't know, who are always judging me because I'm the new girl, who are always glaring at me. its fucking me up!

I'm hoping that I get used to this. if I dont, I think I'll need meds or something, frig.
so tomorrow at school should be interesting. first day back after a full shift. oo.

im already tired.

well, I should get ready for crap stuff. man, why couldn't it be an out of the way place where no one goes? why does it have to be so popular?!?!?!?!?!

im just lazy