The Scummiest place on earth... or, in Ontario, at least.

Two months ago, halesha went to her Super Intendant, and said that she and my brother would be moving into a new place. deadline was set for new years.

the house they were to move into: Tony Svbodas. yeah.... fucking scumbag.

two months ago, he made the deal with patrick so that patrick, his now pregnant Fiancé and two kids would be moving in... yesterday.

didn't really happen.

no idea where they're sleeping right now.. if they are.

see, Tony is a lazy person. none of his stuff is out of the house... in two months time, nothing has left other than a book case. meanwhile, patrick has moved all of his stuff into the four bedroom house(which is a mess), and has to move Tony's stuff.
sadly, Tony doesn't like his stuff moving.

the guy has problems. i mean, he's a drunk, who takes six hours hang a door, a day to move a book case...???

two years ago, he baught a live-trap thing for a raccoon in his garage. it was caught...

its still there.

water thats been int he washing machine since my brother last lived there (when he was sixteen) is still there. theres a dead bird in the dryer.

there are no words to describe how messed up he is. honestly... he didn't move his stuff out because "You guys told me to, you didn't ASK me"
the guy demands respect, but does he deserve it? NO. Alcohol has killed WAY too many of his brain cells. common sense says that when there's a dealine for people to move in, you move your shit OUT so theres room for THEIR shit. right? nope. not for tony. the world revolves around him, and only him.
fucking ASSHOLE. My brother has a Fiané now, Pregnant, with two kids already. they need a fucking place to live! and he's being a completely dick who thinks he can walk in any time he wants. FUCK! i hate him.
imagine the most stupid and rediculous person ever, even if they're not real.
that person is smarter than tony.

man



tomorrow is the big night! New years! YEAHYEAHYEAH. i can't wait to see everyone, have fun, relax, just chill like in the summer and last year. i've missed being in the same room as everyone at once. i missed them a lot.
well, who knows what the night shall bring, eh?

ciao for now

BAH!

He's home! no! not HIM! BAH! I hate him! Damn him! Why is he home?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?! FRIG! GRRRRRrrrrrrrr

Mrah!

hrun ejifs!

ah
ok

watched mallrats today. HA! I thought I had seen that in the past! Man! completely forgot about it....

I really REALLY need to get going on my homework... you know, major essay due in one week, a person should really start on it... another essay for music, as well as that bloody instrument to learn...
but, i can't do any of that while GORD is home. if i play the oboe, he'll shoot me.

I've had a splitting headache for going on two weeks straight. everyday, it's come back around to bug me. my wrists have been hurting a lot too. so much pain! bah!

new years is coming up. the big par-tay at Angus's. but, the way things are sounding, there are going to be a few strangers there... i don't know. Calista is planning on going somewhere else if it's a little too sketchy, and I'm hoping it isn't, just because I don't know the other person nearly as well as I know Angus... which isn't that much, just to note... so, i'm hoping it isn't too crowded and what not, and that calista bears it long enough for people to know what THEY'RE doing, and yeah... I'm thinking that after midnight people will slowly begin to disperse or something, you know? I don't really want to go out anywhere after midnight, considering the state i will be in... you know? but yeah... things are still working out...
phew.

head ache. i got a Myspace thing. I fucking HATE Myspace. i likely won't keep the thing well at all. i'll forget about it eventually. the damn thing was giving me the runaround for half an hour until I realized it was a problem with cookies. fucking site should have SAID that, bastards. all the other sites in the world say "Enable cookies please!" BUT NO, no Myspace. Gark.

anyway... i have nothing better to do, other than work, and i think i should start. i really should.

Em out

I feel like being a girl!

What would my wedding be like?

HA! Wedding?! ME?

well, here's a thought, I wonder if it will ever change...

Time and Place:
Mid-day, Autumn, under the forest canopy. So the trees have all turned red and yellow and orange, and all of that colour is covering the forest floor, which is good because I don't think i'll be wearing shoes.

Flowers:
Daisies! well, ok. White flowers. Lilys for the most part, hanging from the trees, everything except my Bouquet, which would be Daisies.

Hair:
Down, curled, with yellow and white flowers tied into it

dress:
(uhoh)
in case you didn't notice, it's going hippie style. So, think of a peasant dress, the elastic part being right under the bust. it would only go to my knees. it would be white, too, of course. sleeves are just lace, which flare a bit, and the lace is everywhere else on it too, as well as something else that's white (?).

and there's my wedding. middle of the day, so the sun is up and bright enough to catch the colour of the leaves. maybe there's a brook nearby, to make it perfect. hmm.... but that's what i would have in mind. think any man would want to deal with that? if everything were perfect, my engagement ring would look like a guitar string (silver, please, or platinum if you want to spend money) and the diamond would be in that... crap, forgot the name, little round ball on the end of the string that goes into the... hole. HA! i have no memory.

well, there you go. hippie, music-OOO! music! Spanish guitar music, man!

lol.

see, I can be a girl... hippie girl, who doesn't want to wear shoes at her wedding... but what shoes would work with that? honestly...

All About Christmas...

oh, it's the time of sharing, giving, loving, all of that commercial Jazz...
to me, it's about remembering. Since New Years is going to be a messy afair, what with all of the alcohol, drugs, and more that will likely be involved, wheres the time to remember? especially this year, this year cannot be remembered in the presence of many MANY other people....

so what is to be said about this year that I've remembered? I guess I could make it easy and say, look at all of the blog's i've made.. but that would be too tiresome, right?

this year...

tonight, my brother got engaged to his girlfriend, Halesha, the woman who is carrying his child. the child I felt kick tonight, and even saw kick. the child who will be MY Neice/Nephew...
oh, how far my life has come, and how little it seems to have changed... which is a lie. if I looked back on myself, or if I looked forward on myself, I would say easily that I have become what i once rejected so easily as Kirsten does now. I've gone back on words, I've followed in the trail of my brother in some ways...
I can drive a car, alone.
I party, with more than drinking.
my brother is engaged. my brother will be a husband and father. a father in four months. four short months...

how life changes on you. you can't get comfortable, can you?

this past june, a large chunk of my friends graduated and went to school, but not before i got to know them a little better.

what can be said? am I just, nostealgic(sp?)? or what?
well, I could say very easily that I am terribly terribly lonely. I can't stand being home anymore, it just leaves this horrible gut feeling. I feel stuck in this circle of doing the same meaningless things with people who just don't care about it, or me, at all...

what else can I say?
big year for Emily. she tried Weed, and liked it enough to continue it, much to the dismay of her now former best friend, who easily ended their friendship. so much judging, hm? what else... she was welcomed to a group, even praised a few times... she lost a few people... she came to love someone, only to find herself alone in that area, as usual... she felt the joy of a glimmer of hope in one friendship, and then felt it dry up painfully inside, as everything seems to...

i'm in grade twelve now. i have a drivers license. i smoke. i am what i never thought i would become.
what can i say? people change, right Bro? i mean, you're getting married, man! you're gonna be a dad in four months... even though, you already are to two kids... and here I am, left alone. my mother has a husband who loves her to the extreme pain of myself. my father has a love. my brother has a love... why is it that I feel left out? like I'm the only one who will never feel that and have that? why does it feel that way? it shouldn't, i know... but it does. I feel horribly alone in this whole, LOVE scene... and i hate it. i shall be a bachelorette for many years to come, i can see it.. because of myself, of other people...

i'm off track.
it's christmas, we should all be happy, right? time to be together, to be a family again...
hey, i never really had a family, what do I do? time to be together... with who? everyone i want to be with is far away... i'm stuck at home with people who like to pretend I'm not really here. I make a sound, i'm scowled at. how is that getting along?

i don't like christmas, but at least try to believe me when I wish you a merry christmas. have a happy christmas, enjoy it with those you love. i had a good time tonight with my dad and brother...

i'm just sad, as usual.

oh, that's just emily, she's just being herself, sad, mournful, all that stuff.. ignore her, she'll go away.

I will, too, don't think i'll stick around man. i'll leave one day. it's not a question of when, or where to either. it's a question of whether anyone in particular notices.
and to that person who somehow DOES notice... merry christmas.

don't read my blogs. they're angry, like me.

I Like Driving

Two days until Christmas... yay! yayayayayayayayayayaFART

beh

you know me and x-mas. funny, the school want's to be respectful of other religions, so they make the word "Lord" and "God" or anything remotely god-related banned... yet, they keep the christmas holiday. of course. why not? students are happy for two weeks, teachers too, but... isn't that a bit hypocritical? shouldn't they technically get rid of that too?

i would laugh if they did. after all, i won't be in school next year... hopefully...

HA! stupid school. it's so stupid.

FUCK, school, i haven't even started that HUGE essay yet. haven't practiced Oboe at all... haven't painted... all I want to do is watch movies, sleep, hang out with people. honestly, i just need to be with some people... man oh man. if I have a breakdown before exams... i wonder if that could be to my advantage??? not likely.

fucking school, i hate it. i hate the system today. but would that surprise you after you found that Gord was home? yeah, he's home today, not teaching people to drive or anything today, not in this weather. by the way, I shoveled in that weather. everything from the ankle down was soaked, as well as the top of my head. frig. i hate water today. jeans soaked, shoes done for a couple days. er! i hate gord. i blame him for my being soaked. ha!
im in a wierd mood. i only woke up... half an hour ago, i think. im still tired. i didn't sleep well last night. Weird dreams about new years. I dreamt i met up with Aric again there, but he didn't give a shit. not suprising. hmm, i can't remember much else, just that those dreams were weird, for whatever reason, and I couldn't sleep very well. I kept waking up.

im stuck in this sort of No Mans land right now. I kind of know what I want, but at the same time I have no idea, so I want to explore, but i know that i could be hurt if I explore... or something... you know? i know what would make me happy. I've felt it ever so breifly before, but nothing else came from it. just a moment. as life is made of. life is just a series of moments, clashing every so often with other moments, hence creating a "Situation" instead of a moment. other moments just lead to other moments and are forgotten. I wish I could remember those moments. they seem like the sort of things that a great story could be made of...

oh no mans land. no mans land here, hey? no living here, no feeling comfortable here, in no mans land. here, in No mans land, you have to be ready 24/7 for gunfire from either side. one side shooting the other, so your own side could kill you too. one hate could kill you, one love could kill you, boy oh boy, does love ever seem like war? paradox, isn't it? Love shouldn't feel like a war, but i suppose love is defined as the feeling between TWO people. so, what about someone in love with another person who doesn't love them back? what do you call that, just for technicality... infatuation? no, that means something else... a crush is different... love. i guess love is all that's left. or... care? hhmmmm.... you go to war because you care for the people back at home, and you want to protect them... so, I suppose a person who truly loves and cares for someone (whether or not that person loves and cares for them back) would go to any length to protect them, even war... right?
we're not making sense, are we?
me. I'M not making sense. those are my thoughts, the moments that take place in my head, typed out for once instead of being forgotten. I need a stenographer in my head, man. imagine all the amazing shit i could have ON PAPER!...

i dont want to be home today. I would like to go for another drive, but its raining, and mother has the car... and she wont let me...
alas. i need my own car. to be free, i need a car. to have a car to be free, i need money. why does it always come back to the Dollar Value? always with fucking MONEY! what a big fence that is, hm? money money money money makes the world go around. oh boy.

fdlksjakd fdj ife fkdskjf dsaj f84fj f94ifdsla; a;;oe cncgiea f acne8; atu vna;cei...

take that, english!

someday, everyone will be literate. and then they will all be bilingual. and there won't be those cultural fences ever again, save for those few people who dont stay up to the standard and are snuffed out by a Nuclear bomb, or something... until it gets to money all over again, right? the economy is what's making us all unhappy. not differences, though we like to blame those things instead. some people don't have the money they need, SHOOT, BAM BAM. some people have too much, they get to be robbed, if they don't have that state of the art security system... and then there's the national view, countries without enough money to defend themselves against people on the hunt for more Oil... or whatever...
i could think more about that, but I'm going to stop now and find something else to do. pardon the spelling mistakes.

Every good day has it's bad moment

and mine was, yet again, being delivered the news that I cannot go to Mississauga.
Nope. No more trip. Grandma isn't feeling up to having company.
and that's the problem with having a family like mine. they're way too unpredictable, in terms of wanting or not wanting to do things. one minute its a good outlook, the next it's stormy weather that we can't bother to wait out or anything.
so, i'm home for christmas. Supposedly this is to be a good thing, but that's bullshit in my home. it doesn't matter what title you give it, just because it's christmas doesn't mean it's happy time. it doesn't mean Gord is suddenly standable, it doesn't mean everything is figured out for the few days. it means nothing. all it means is that I'm stuck here for three days.
and now kids are throwing my Kaleidascope around. I'VE HAD THAT SINCE I WAS ONE, PEOPLE, DON'T CHUCK IT AROUND. frig.
good day. it was a great day. I drove to belleville with emma. no adults. I can drive. i'm going tomorrow again too. its great. got gifts. one for my mom, one for gus, for calista, and, of course, myself, duh.. ha. it was a spending money day. i ran into people, got some good things. I have a fish named Jerry, a Betta fish...
but i'm home for this weekend. months and months planning to go away for the weekend, and now i can't. first its my mother, then it's my grandmother... god damnit! i dont want to be here! I want to be THERE! NOT HERE. FUCK!

so that is my bad moment, and kids are still throwing stuff around. idiots. why did my mother leave me with these things? frig....

fuck you christmas.

fuck.

ACID

snow does a lot.

for one...

Last night, I tried to go over Oak Hills with my dad, but at the top we turned around, because the opposite side was deadly. it was, BAD, because of snow, a little rain, mash some ice in there...
it was black, so we couldn't see a thing.

today, driving over the hill with my mother was another story. The world is suddenly twice as brighter as it was before, and now the trees are bending all of their limbs towards the ground from all of the white fluffy stuff that has fallen onto them. everything has a thick layer of snow now, and the only reason you can tell there's a tree there is because of the small spot under the limb, where no snow could reach, thanks to the laws of Physics.
Physics hardly matters in such places as that. everything is either white, or black. no grey. no grey. where would science come in here? there's no science to this. it's called Beauty, damnit, look at it! these trees, HUGE trees, covered from forest floor the to tips with snow. the sides of the trunks, even, are covered with snow.
it's, quite simply, beautiful.
and those are two physical aspects of snow. add in blinding-ness, cold-ness, bad weather, etc etc...

then there are the memories that come back. a year ago, two years ago, more years agos, months ago, days ago, hours ago, flood back when you cross the road and have nothing but snow coming back towards you. no wind, just snow, slightly slanted so that if you try to look up, you get it in your eyes and it stings. but it's nice. and you remember things, some that you don't want to, and others that, no matter how much it could hurt you, you treasure with everything you have inside. for instance, you could remember crossing the road to go to the store, and coming out you suddenly run into a friend of yours, getting gas in a car they're soon to total. and you talk for a few minutes, holding a 2 litre bottle of diet ginger ale whilst talking to this person. it's just a memory, but there are feelings that go to it. for instance, you might remember more the emotions than the actual events. you might think "Hey, I ran into so and so there-" and then remember that painful stab in the heart that you felt just as you turned to cross the road to get back home. you might remember, more than any detail of their clothing, how they looked, how it hurt to see them look that way, how it hurt you to run into them, for them to ask you simple questions, to just talk to you, and think that you walked away from that.
at this point, something might strike you, and then you will remember another point in time when that same thought struck you...

well, in all honesty, snow doesn't do this. it's just the mind. anything does it. but it did it to me tonight. snow opened up the book again, for me to take, yet, another gander through it. another look over things I've written, things i've felt and thought and done. It's nothing something I enjoy doing, not when i'm supposed to be training myself to think about school, to wrap myself up in the world of History, or Projects, Mozart, "What If" questions that have no answer... I don't like reading when i have so much to do. I've got a lot to get done, a lot to do, a lot to sort through, and it doesn't help when I have to have a personal life to go with it. Personal lives get in the way of things. not just at work, between "Co-workers", not just in the social part, but school-wise? I'm fucked this year. fucked royally. I'm going to fail world history, and unless i can find an alternate course for my sixth period spare, or crack a deal, or something, i'm coming back another year to finish the crash course... and i don't want to. simple. done and done.
i have no excuse either. I have... first period... third and fourth... hours after school, on days I DON'T work... whats my reason? I don't have one. just the whole lack of attention part. i can't stay awake and do those things.

this weekend, i had two great sleeps. friday night, best sleep of my life, but I wish It could have lasted longer. last night, twelve hours... it was nice to sleep.
friday night i kept having these dreams where I would trip and fall, and I would wake up just as I hit the ground... i hit the ground and BAM! i'm awake and hitting my bed.

it was my birthday friday. things got messed up a bit from the buses being cancelled, but everything went through eventually. i'm thinking I'll grab angus and gift for x-mas, for, you know.. .using his house... but that's besides the point... there was snow and rain, man...

well...

we had cake. good cake, too.... GOOD cake. and.. oh boy.... it was more than special. holy crap.
one wierd thing happened that has NEVER happened to me before. I was sitting in the kitchen, zoning out... and suddenly i don't hear anything. I mean, i do, but hardly at all. four people in the room, three talking right beside me, and one standing up doing who knows what... and i hear nothing... but the breathing of ONE person.... thats it. everything else was muffled, volume turned down, and all you heard was this one person, breathing, laughing, harshly, loudly...
like in a movie, when all the sounds go out and the main character is going crazy from hearing some person's breathing from their nose, or something, because they're insane...
it happened. and it was wierd. I didn't get sick, though Ness and Age did... i was fine.

well, that's my weekend in a nutshell. i tried to start out serious, to try and get a hold, but.. yeah.... i'm tired still. I hate school, and I don't want to go

It fell apart at Seventeen

Spend every waking hour
in a cinder block house
taking government regulated
Tests to tell us what to do
with our next to
nothing lives

Happiness in a box
Good fortune in a pill
A lifetime of greatness, guaranteed
purchase necessary
limited time only

Go to school
learn the basis
if you can't
you will fail at
Everything that matters
is in this text book
read it all,
no sleep allowed

Got head problems?
Or just can't focus?
Take these, and BE HAPPY NOW
Pretend to be in control
You are no exception,
no matter if you're sad or "gifted"

Do just what he says
Go where he says to go
Die where he says to die
Forget about your
Family and friends
don't exist anymore
It's all about the

Economic growth,
what you should think about
from now on-
No room for fantasy and dreaming
Nothing left for creative minds
Follow the rules, or be omitted.
Pass by this percentage, or be alone
for the rest of your tiny life

I can just be... you know, THAT way

I hate waking up with this thing! why did it have to come back, and after such a night??!!

After work last night, Emma, Tom and Mike came over for the night. and it was crazy! it was fun, yeah, i had fun, i enjoyed it... but FUCK!

Why do I have to wake up with this? Why do I have to have this horrible disposition on even the most grand and pleasant occassions with these wonderful people? why the fuck do I have to wake up in the morning and feel this inside me?

I did enjoy the weekend. even when i acted a little twitchy, i was enjoying not being alone, somewhere, i know I was.. even in the morning, when i felt that stupid thing haunting me again, when i felt it creeping back into me, i smiled because i wanted to smile, I wanted you to think i was happy because you deserve that, and i WAS happy...

but theres this disposition i cant help... i can't help waking up with this thing... i can't. I don't even know what it is. remember that Thing? that Evil Thing? i've had it with me today. i woke up with it, i wanted to hide from everyone. I wasn't safe when my mother came home, so i left home. then I wasn't safe at my fathers, so i watched a movie and came back home. i had a shower.

I wish I would just fall into a coma. Sleep is the best thing for me. that's the place I can hide.

I don't want to be alone, but I do. I want to be invisible, but I want SOMEONE TO SEE ME! I want to leave everything, even them, him, this place, that place, everything, EVERYTHING behind.. but i don't want to leave.
it sucks.

I don't want to feel this way. Have I closed up? I don't want to be considered a cold person, but it seems like that's in the near future. even Josh thinks I'm getting to be in a "bad mood" all the time.

why can't I help myself?
"You can! just try! talk to someone! talk to a counsellor!"
i know what I want.
I want time to freeze at a certain moment, so I can live in it. I want to fall into a coma and just sleep and dream for a while, forget this stress. I want my canker to go away. i want to be older than 17 this friday. I want to be hugged, and for that moment to be frozen just as I fall into a coma and in my dreams, live out a seperate life from that moment on, where i don't have canker sores and stress from school and people.

oh, am I fucked up? Am I a depressed, over-dramatic Thespian, Anti-Social Teenager? emma, you are right, as always. we comform when we rebel. but now I'm tired from conforming. i'm tired of trying to be alone and on my own and trying to find a way to be on my own. I'm tired of having to act strong when i'm just crumbling to the base inside. I'm tired of trying to fix myself.
this is where the teenager realizes shes unhappy and decides to be rash all of a sudden, in her thoughts, of course, because she still has some "Control" in her life enough to say Not to kill herself. but she does like the look of that sharp thing. she likes the idea of eternal sleep. and thats where all those after-school specials come in all at once, and the best friend calls kids-help line and says somethings wrong... or no, scratch that, best friend tells parents and she's forced into getting counselling... and put on drugs... and so on and so forth.

rationality doesn't exist. the insane are infact genius. foolishness is ideality. absurdity makes sense again. what sounds horrible is in fact beautiful, an art of it's own.



If I hide this, it will go away, in due time...

A person can't be great friends with someone they admire to the point of love. They can't get past the admiration to the flaws and the commonalities they have, and normality they have...
or, is it just too good to be true?

when a person is in deep admiration of someone, WHILE also loving them wholy, they might set it into their heads that nothing more than a simple friendship would ever occur between the two. why? defense. if they had hopes, they might be dashed, breaking their heart in the end. so, don't take the risk, and just admire from afar. Don't give personal information, thinking it will make them think highly of you or even FEEL for you... it might not happen.

unless you want to chance it. in that case, give 'er.

but how can you be that way, and somehow be personal with them? why does it seem wierd? why does it seem HARD to talk that way? or, when you do, why is it so hard to look them in the eye? how do you get to "buddy" land without questioning everything said in privacy? How do you get away from being careful about what you say and do around them, so they don't suspect? how do you get past admiring them to just loving them? because it seems that Admiration is a hard thing to get rid of, sometimes.

but do you know what can make you feel amazing from that person? do you know what can get your adrenaline really rushing? when the person you love and admire gives you a simple compliment, without you doing anything to encourage one. lets say, you're simply standing somewhere, zoned out, and it happens. nothing is said, nothing happens, just this beautiful compliment. and the world suddenly spins in a whole new direction. why? because for just a moment, they admire you too. and it's a great feeling knowing that it IS possible for SOMEONE to do that, and to remind you that your heart really can beat that fast, and that it really can be that hard to hide a smile, and still fail.





I'm tired. it's been a wierd week. it never felt like the day it was supposed to be. funny how those things are thrown off and how everyone seems to feel it at the same time. it's a phenomenon... just like Dristan Nasal Spray... how does it work?!

I've been sick. i got suck sunday night, Bravo Bayside is this upcoming week... i'm in it... singing... and i'm sick.
Did I mention I was sick?
well, it sucks. sinus-whining all day, dristan working for a few hours then quitting from hard labour. dristan is my slave. sadly, i'm the slave of something... frig. i hate being sick like this. one half of my nose stuffs up, the other half is runny... and i sniff.... in the middle of a guest speakers speaking... duh...
very embarassing. but what can I do? i'm helpless!
my birthday is in a week. 17. not excited much. party plans aren't working very well, might not happen, still don't know.
i'm not happy.
i'm never happy, am I? a while ago I thought I was on top of the world, then I found that i had been fooled into thinking that, and I was actually somewhere else, somewhere pretty shitty. still there, too. what brought it on?
what brings on depression... hmmm...
im bipolar. people think i'm a bitch. I dont MEAN to be, it just all comes out horribly wrong. who ever said I had control?
i feel like such a lost person, a loser left over from last year. I feel like Graeme and kirsten are TRYING to make me feel inferior to them. it pisses me off. i have nothing special with anyone that isn't made public and passed on. sometimes I just want something no one else can have. is it wrong to feel that way? is it wrong to have that two person secret?

maybe a thought brought all this on, followed by a realization. maybe the fear of losing something is what does it. losing what? it? all? everything? him? her? maybe it's all chemical imbalances. maybe it's hereditary. maybe it's society fucking me up. maybe its not me, but him, them. maybe i'm right. but im wrong. or am i? i am...?

i've found that i dont want to be anywhere. nowhere feels good anymore. nowhere. home doesn't. i'm afraid of seeing my parents there. i'm afraid of other people again, i'm feeling anti-social, yet i'm just as afraid to be alone. alone and cold. yet i want to be cold sometimes. feeling warmth for moments at a time throughout the day just remind me of what i don't have, and what is dangled infront of my face like a fucking toy. i dont like being the one out, without a place to go while everyone goes away. i dont like being left and expected to stay where i am. I dont like people hearing my age and thinking "Too young for this sort of life".

i dont like music class anymore. i dont like band anymore. i dont like school anymore. i don't like anyone anymore. i don't like this life anymore. but i cant get anything else. i cant go anywhere. i'm trapped in this place, or another even further from where i want to be... and wheres that?
wherever he is, of course. i would follow him anywhere and be happy. but that, my friend, is what i shall never have, and that is what i am always reminded of with another person as well as him, and that is why i am sad...

now am i right? are you proud yet? will any of you let me tag along?