Maybe not...

Turns out my mother isn't much better than Gord...

Patrick called me while I was at dads, offering me a deal with the truck, saying if I gave him abit of money, it would help him with getting a new tempo, as well as he would keep the stereo in it for me. awesome! great, that works.

until he called mom and run it by.

she freaked!
"Your father doesn't know enough but safety testing that thing! You need to let it go, it's a piece of junk, let go of it! It's old, and not safe for her!"

BULLSHIT

my father has been a mechanic for more than 30 years. he's had the truck since the seventies and knows it inside out better than the best mechanic in the world. better than the people who made it, whats more.
not safe? It's a fucking TANK! If something hit me, they wouldn't go through me, they would go around me in that thing. it has a reinforced structure, extra steel, it literally IS a fucking tank!
affordability is that only problem, since it costs about ten bucks for a two way trip to belleville. bad mileage, really bad, but for a truck that size, a tank, its good mileage.
it IS safe. the only bad thing about it is that the speedometer is broken. other than that, it's perfectly fine. and its cheaper than getting a new car, having to pay billions of dollars on shit like repairs and what not.... if i had the truck, i could push the fucking thing to my dads to fix it for free. once again, he knows it better than anyone else alive ever could, it's better!

god, i'm so pissed at her. She completely threw aside everything about my dad. shes prejudice, for fucks sake! errrrrr

i told her that if I didn't get into school, I would still move to Missisauga to live with my grandma and mickey.... and she freaked.
"I don't mind you moving, but not there. i'm afraid you'll get cancer with second-hand smoke" etc etc.
err, i couldn't help but think: I've smoked, for gods sake, what the hell damage coudl be done beyond that? I'm happier there than anywhere else, and it's family.
sometimes I think she hates my dads family.
God, my mom...

kind, yes... but obsessed with looks. She bitched at me for leaving the house in my pajama bottoms to go to work.... where people have to WORK to see my pants. that the hell? I wear what I wear, and she gives me this look when I go out, or sometimes says- "you're wearing that?"
she bitches about my spending habits, but she pays more for one object than I do on an entire trip. Hypocrit! fuck, sometimes i really do hate her.... even if she is my mother. I would rather live with my dad. I don't give a fuck if people think it's a lower-style of life, without all the fashionable tastes, what not, I don't give a shit. Quality of life is more important than making yourself look better so people think more highly of you, MOTHER.

christ, my household parents are annoying. mom can be no better than gord sometimes. christ, she claims to know me, to have so much in common with me-
yeah right. if you did, mom, you wouldn't act like a DICK sometimes. If you knew, you would wake up to how I feel, and NOT say money is important when i'm on the edge of a fucking breakdown.
and thats why i don't talk. that's why I sleep so much, why i avoid being around you sometimes, because you really are unbearable! if my dad had another room, i would move out there in a heartbeat. anything, god, ANYTHING to escape this way of life. I can't stand you sometimes!

so, unless My brother goes through with his plan on fooling mom and gord to sign the papers back to dad, i'm not getting the chevy... my precious truck. I don't care how old it is, it's safe for me to learn in. i love it anyway.

Patricks Plan: Fool mom and gord that he's going to sell it back to dad, so they sign the papers back to him. then it's no longer their choice if i get it or not. take that!

other than that, my night was good. I went to dads, hung out there, learned a bit about batteries, Pat bosiak came over for a bit. I love that guy, he really is great. Pat is an old friend of my dads, and as soon as he came in the door, there were roars of laughter, it was so great.
Pat was in a peace-keeping thing overseas a while back, and has seen some ghastly things. he saw someones head get blown off.
He's been really depressed in the past too. he's in Electro-shock therapy, he's been through it all... and he's looking great now! He's lost a lot of weight, he's happy, he's such a great guy, he really is. I love him like a member of the family. He's my uncle Pat....

anyway, good night. i talked to dad a bit more about my future, all that scary shit. it was a good night, save for the whole truck thing. I'm amazed, sometimes, at how stupid my mother can be and how prejudicial she really is sometimes... im still stunned...
my Mother? I would expect this from gord, not my mom....

ITS MINE!

Dawn came into work tonight to get milk, and i got to talk to her for a minute..

Patrick is looking at getting a new car, and was talking to dad about it, and it sounded as though patrick wanted to sell the time chevy. well, dad was telling dawn that patrick could not sell it, and it was just too bad. then dawn mentioned how i wanted the truck, and he said
"She can have it"

YES! The great truck, will be MINE! for once, i was really hyper about something other than the big bash. now i WANT to get my license, so i can drive the thing!
yesssss

So, whats cool:
Adrein Stephens will be working at the pro in a few weeks....hehehe, i get to train her a bit awesome!...

i spent the last two nights hanging out with Jen, Calista, and Scott, sleeping over at Calista's last night, just enjoying the freedom. i love it.
i needed it last night too. Gord was getting on me about driving and made me drive around before going to Calistas.
ok, before the whole truck thing, i didn't feel any strength or anything to drive. i can't explain it, it's like giving a reason for being depressed. It could be true, but it really isn't. you just are.
anyway, i really enjoyed it. we walked along her road in the middle of the night, and the stars were go bright, so many of them... i love that stuff. im a sucker, i really am.

The big Bash is coming up! This friday, Calista and Jen are having a thing at Angus's for Cals B-day and Jens farewell thing. sigh. ill miss them. then saturday is the big night! WOOT.

Whats not cool:

Still feel like shit and always end up having a headache everyday.

got disturbed reading up on anorexia and bolemia in the paper. yuk. my mom was bolemic, but i dont see why.... shes a liar. lol. well, really, she is. She said in highschool she was my size...
BULL!
I saw pictures of her, she was the same size she is now.
anyway, the article was really disturbing and sad. i cant believe its popular like that, like an effing trend!

Unexplainable Stress is starting to get to me more and more. I'm starting to get angry with my mom now. I tried to explain to her sunday at dinner why i didn't want to drive.... ok, thats a lie. I just tried to CONVINCE her that I really couldn't drive without saying anything...
"I'm not paying 700 some dollars for you to Not drive, emily!"
thanks.
i dont know. that bugged me...

i would tell her, but what the hell would I say?

"Mom, I've lost a few too many screws and i need drugs"
"Mom, I have problems you dont understand so leave me alone or give me pills"
"Mom, take me to the doctor, I'm MESSED up"

sorry, thats all sarcasm.
then, when i really try to figure out what to say, i hear that little voice in the back of my head...
"Explain it, emily, I don't understand. WHAT is giving you problems? How can you have problems like that over nothing, when nothing is going on? How, You never leave the house? You're just like patrick..."

well, how can i explain it?

hmm, this changed over.

back to whats cool:
Parties! Yay Bonarlaw Bash! Yay! Woot! funfun

OH MAN! I finally got an idea for resurrecting the old Delusions story, only I'm going to change it around a bunch and what not, all because of a dream.....
it starts with an assasination... hehehe, man, i'm actually EXCITED about a story for the first in a really long time... hey, look, I'm not dead yet!

Mood: Slightly more alive and giddy.

Huzzah!

This is my breakdown

touch me and I will break,
shatter into a billion pieces.
Push me, and I will be smoke before your eyes.
The weapons you wield, guised merely as hands,
limbs of your rational human body,
will interupt my life with so much as a gesture,
a careless, ignorant gesture.
I am but a thin pane of cracked glass,
hardly withstanding the passing storms-
But you,
the vermin of this house,
have put the fear of death in me.
If I break, all will be revealed,
including you,
My newly-enlightened fallacy

nightmare

I had my first authentic nightmare last night....actually, an hour ago.

I was shopping with my mom, grandparents, family, etc etc, and we were in this super big turbo store. anyway, i found a hate, what not, but my family had finished, so they waited outside for me (where the checkout was, for some reason).

so, i'm walking over there with my cool hat, and this guy is following behind me, talking to himself in a very creepy manner. i just roll my eyes, and i guess i paid for that: I dropped everything. go figure. and of course, because its a dream, i turn around, and it's ten meters away from me. I try to pick it up, but he grabs them up and starts running.
I try to run afte rhim, but i can't move, another dream factor. So i start screaming (with someone elses high-pitched voice, I'm so shocked) for help, fire, anything to get attention, and there are so many people standing around, but they just watch. They turn, they see, and they stand. non one tried to help me, save for one person, but they missed the guy, and he took off with my "purse" and new hat, everything i had with me that day, everything that was keeping me happy on that day (Don't ask how I know, it's a dream, i just know).

but no one tried to help. they just stared at me. i even heard someone snicker about my voice getting suddenly high.

analyze that into my life.

 

Go Fightclub!

i must have fallen back into that trend, eh?

If I had a tumor, I would name it Gord

oh, you're intimidating. Infact, you're scaring the daylights out of me, acting all superior and smart. because you're soo smart, aren't you?

oh, fuck off, you dumbass excuse of a stepdad.

You don't even realize when you're wrong, so you look a fucking fool, and don't know it. So you keep being oblivious, thinking you're king-shit! oh fuck you!
I MUST have a higher IQ than you. How on earth did a piece of shit like you even live past the age of twenty? oh right, you lived on a farm, I forgot. Farmers know everything, don't they? They can do everything and anything and are always right, especially with teenagers.
I'm just a teenager, i don't know shit!
Well, if you're so fucking smart, why don't you know how and when to leave me the hell alone? You should know, you know everything else. I mean, you've raised, what, three boys? three. yes three. first, you do not get the pleasure of four, because you didn't do shit in raising my brother. OUT FATHER RAISED US, NOT YOU. three boys. three ADOPTED boys. IM A GIRL, GORD, NOT A BOY LIVING ON A GOD DAMNED FARM WITH A FUCKED UP FAMILY AND NO BRAINS.
oh, question: What moron adopts three boys, and yet puts his OWN SON up for adoption? what the fuck is with that?

Personally, i don't give a flying horse-shit if you baught the computer im typing on right now, I don't give a shit if that gives you the 'right' to go into MY files, I use the damned thing more than you, you know NOTHING about any form of technology, so I should be the one in charge of this thing. Know what? If thats how you want to be, fine, set up the DVD player on your own when you want to watch a movie. Fix the satelite yourself if you push the wrong fucking button. but don't blame me for your god-damned mistakes, YOU made them, not me, enough retarded excuses.

if you knew what was really going through my head, why I have an 'Attitude problem', you would run for your fucking life... But if i just plain told you, or Mom, you would laugh at me, like you always do. because I can't have problems. i'm a teenager, what the hell type of stress am I under? how could I possibly have problems, i'm too young and stupid! How can I have problems? clearly, Gail, she's lying, making this all up to get attention, thats all she wants.
attention. as if. if i wanted attention, I would have slit my wrists... and you know what? recently, thats been a very tempting thought, but not for attention.

you're problem: You're a stuck-up-redneck-self-indulgant-asswhipe. you're no better than toilet paper to me. in fact, you're less than that. I hope you die a a painful death. I hope you learn what it's like to be picked on every day of your fucking life when you become hopeless, weak, and reliant on someone who hates you. I hope you become clinically depressed, I hope you have headaches every day, I hope you oversleep, i hope you're tired all the time.
I hope you die at your own hand, you SOB, you deserve no better than that for what you've put me through. You never said you were proud of me, you never said "good job" without that stupid smirk and sarcasm in your voice. you never think of how I feel when you say something. You're so offensive, and you think everyone will work around you. well fuck you! take some of your own damn advice and learn this, asshole: The world is a mean place, and not everything goes your way. How come you say that to me all the time, and yet expect nothing less of it? Hypocrit!
When I move, I will not come back, and it's because of you. If mom gets sad, don't blame me, blame yourself, asshole, because YOU'RE the one I'm staying away from for the rest of my life, and if Mom pays for it, it's your fucking fault. yours. Accept it, for once in your damned life, and stop trying to make yourself look so good.

Why should I bother trying to even talk to you? I'm leaving in a year, and You wouldn't even TRY. I've tried ignoring you, I've tried to stop our fights, but you just keep pushing me, saying stupid shit at every chance you get, saying its funny... I know you're trying to bug me, start a fight, just so you can win you loser

Lets cut the bullshit.

you wish I didn't exist, and I want you out of my life forever. I want to cut you out of me and throw you in the trashcan, and dump a bunch of gasoline on you and burn you up. But guess what? It won't happen. i'm here for good, and you've already done the damage. I should have exterminated you from my life when I had the chance, before you tied the knot with my mother.

if I die tomorrow, know this:
you ruined my life. You destroyed what was left of my family, self-respect, and trust in people. you ruined my fucking life.

I hope yours turns into an eternal, living hell.

 

 

I wanna ride

Mhmmm, I'm bored, but I dont care. though, I wouldn't mind being bored in a car with the car moving somewhere... maybe on a highway, or just out in the country. anywhere, i feel like a car ride. wow..... I really am a dog.

tired day. I'm getting a picture ready to paint, but im still trying to figure out how to paint it... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

stretch like a cat and yawn while you're at it. cats make it look good, and it really does feel good. mhmmmmhmmhmhmhmmmmm...

popsicle

All communication systems are down

well, maybe i should learn a lesson.
 
I sent an email to that boy a while ago explaining things. maybe i should stick with this new habit and talk to me mum explaining thing.
 
and of course, easier said than done.
 
well, how about a suggestion?

I beg to Differ

i just wanted to put that as a title for once. hah.
 
wow, everytime i go to my dads, i have spaghetti. and it's the best effing sauce in the world! you put a stick in it, it will stand up. it's sooooo good. so many onions, garlic, peppers, meat, droolage....
 
ah. first night the noodles were overcooked, but i couldn't notice. second night was left overs, just as good as the first night. and last night was a fresh batch of sauce and noodles, a HUGE batch, at that, since patrick was over too. everyone had a headache, even me, but mine was tolerable for once.
 
actually, i can feel it coming back. see, thats why i sleep so much, to stop THAT stuff.
 
good day yesterday. drove to dads in the "red rocket", scared my mom a few times...hehehehe. i love that car. so fast.
uhoh, i'm already patrick. im going to go 140 in an 80, hit a dog, family of ducks, tree(s), and at last roll the thing over....
 
or not.
 
heh, romeo and juliet.... aww crap. guess what i remembered just now again. WHAH!
 
thats starting to get annoying. anyhoo... so... im incredibly bored, delaying starting another cd, since that means not using the computer, and then watching tv, and then gord bothering me about something. at least this way i look busy. oivay!
 
fine, i'm going...buggers.
 
!!!!!!!!!!EXCLAMATION!!!!!!!!!!!
 

So, i'm not going to the cottage anymore, as i hoped. I switched my schedule back to normal last night before Tara left, so it was official long before then, even though I only found out just before I left to work.
Yeah, it blows.
outside of that trip-to-the-cottage-that-will-never-be, There were two other things I was going to do this summer
 A) the Bonarlaw Bash
 B) a cornroast august 22.
 
thats it.
 
of course, add in regular work hours, visits to see my dad whenever I can, other possible get togethers with friends that I cannot see right now, etc etc... still a shitty summer, you know it.
well, i suppose taking away one thing won't make it all go downt he drain. But I was still looking forward to this trip.
it's not that we're not going either, as much as it is my parents. If they had talked to me about it first, We might have gone still, or at least it wouldn't have been so sudden. But they didn't.
their excuse was that they would wait for when there would be more time
(Our original trip would have been one day of travelling four hours to the lake, one day not travelling, and one day of travelling four hours home).
but, heres the problem:
It's impossible for me to get more time. I had switched things around the most i could have with tara, and I couldn't take saturday off. it's impossible for me to get saturday off, just switch for a different shift. thats all.
they also wanted to go the long weekend, the weekend i still have to work, and have the big bash.
yeah, fuck that, i'd rather party than have to explain all over again that it's not possible. unless, of course, they want to leave me and go alone. which i would understand, they always do that, and i have work, why should I hold them back?
 
grrrrr
 
I'm so pissed off at them right now. mostly gord because it's easier and likely his idea, but at my mom too. RRRRRRRRRRR, why the fuck couldn't they have talked to me instead?
 
idiots
 
I must have learned certain morals and sense ahead of time. hah.
 
god, i told my mom this stuff (pretty much), and she said "We can go to the beach sometime"
 
hah, NO
 
this is why I wanted to go to the cottage and not to the beach:
the cottage is on a private lake. in other words, no screaming, crying, wining children, no old people, just me, my family, and the lake. a perfectly CLEAN lake in the hills, at that. perfect place to swim alone... unlike the beach.
 
that was a good vent, as usual.
 
i'm in the middle of backing up my music right now, having burned two mp3 cds... i need more cds though. i'm only getting started on Led Zeppelin stuff, and I'll be luckly to make it to the end of Pink Floyd on that same CD. need more spacage......
 
anyhoo, time for me to go waste another day here, in the living room, etc etc... I should move to dads, or something. that would be much more worthwhile than this effing house and it's people.
 
ciao...

Do you know me?

I think we may have met,
do you actually know me?
How many times have I changed, and not changed back?
Did you know me then, too?
Seems I'm an enigma to my friends,
So they don't know me too well.
they want to,
I want them to,
but they can't seem to figure me out yet.
I can't help, I'm in the dark like you.
But when they asked, I would say;
I do know me.
I know who I am.
So, do you?
I know I change a lot,
And thats bring us back to my question...
I guess you're going to have to try
to get to know me,
Aren't you?
If you're not up for it,
Then you're not worth it, are you?
So,
Do you know me?
I wish you did

Is it fair?

Is it fair for a person to wake up in the late morning and be disappointed?
 
I sit here late at night, as long as I can before my eyes finally become too heavy, trying to stay awake. I don't want to sleep. theres no good in it. so far, I've been having bad dreams about my recent actions, even if it's only been three nights.
 
Time can't pass fast enough for me. I sit in this house all day, doing nothing, just sitting here or infront of the TV, waiting for something to happen, or something to come and end it.
I wait to sleep, and yet, when it finally arrives, I don't want it. Whats the point in sleeping if I'm just going to wake up again? Why should I sleep if when I wake up I'm simply going to have to endure another long, painfully dull day? whats the point in sleeping, or waking up, or anything?
 
right now, my life is completely pointless. I'm waiting for the hammer to fall, and it's not going to fall for months. even the big bash isn't looking inviting anymore. I want school to come, simple because it will give me something to do in the day. even if that means facing certain people and things. Sure, i have work, and i can go to dads....
 
when I go to dads, I'm reminded of what I wasn't allowed to have. God, my dad! that big, beautiful house! the place i was born, where i lived my first two years of life. it really is where i belong. a garden of vegetables to eat, bushes of goose berries, currents, raspberries... Bees with honey. thats where I should be! When I go out there to see my dad, i feel so happy. Last night i was at my dads, and we were outside, in the rain and mosquitos, "foraging" gooseberries and eating currents. we hadn't done that for years, and I wish i could do it again. I miss it, I love it. and whenever I go out there, I'm reminded that at some point, this is going to end. the end result is more sorrow.
 
I'm feeling pretty sad right now, in case you haven't noticed. I would give up what I have now to live at my dads. I would be doing things, and be useful, instead of just sitting in this house like an unwanted and pointless guest! I have no use here! I feel completely useless!
 
I want my family. ever since my brother moved out, everything here feels so hollow, empty. I don't have a brother anymore, and those few times I see him, my heart jumps. and then he leaves almost as soon as he arrives, and it hurts so much. I haven't gone to a family 'reunion' for so long.... there hasn't been one before, in fact. my parents are divorced, it's impossible to have any big family thing together.
Look, I'm a poor child who's parents are divorced! isn't it a classic tale, the child who has no real family!
theres no such thing as a real family anymore, is there? even so, i wish i had mine back. just now, i wish i could be with them. I saw my dad last night, I live with my mom, and I saw my brother for a few minutes tonight at work, new hair cut. He and Halesha were doing stuff...and I couldn't be there. I feel out of the loop, alone, useless, pointless.
 
fuck, my life sucks. i'm a pathetic human being. I dont do anything. I have no drive to paint or draw or anything. Guitar is the same deal. writing? I write here, or in my 'journal' by my bed. story wise i can't really do anything because im in the middle of backing up my computer, preparing for a big wipe-out for the switch-over. I'm a stalled car on the side of the highway. I'm pointless.
 
I hate being alone like this. I dont know how much longer I can stand it. Why the hell can't I be happy like everyone else around me? Why do i feel so fucking Alienated from everything I touch, everyone i talk to? Why am I set apart from it all, when I'm in the middle of it?
 

The wall

Just watched it.

ha

so, last night i had Jen, Calista, Scott (for a while) and Chris Paps (?) over. it was fun. we went to tim hortons to wait for chris, and at one point this guy came over and asked us (3 girls) how old we were and if we liked hot tubs.

stupid boys.

but it was fun. we went swimming at midnight in calistas pool, scott was scary. then we hung out in her basement, scott was wierd. and it was cool. the stars were out, so i enjoyed them.
we watched fight club after we drove scott home, it was good, but people were calling thismorning. FRIGGEN PEOPLE.

i hate phones so much. why? because its never for me, duh! and because i hate dealing with these stupid kids who keep calling the house, middle of the day
"Is gord on his way? I have a lesson with him."
"I don't know, he doesn't come home between lessons or anything."
"Does he have a cellphone?"
"No, sorry."
"Does he call or anything?"
"No"
"Can you get in touch with him?"

this is where I think something along these lines:
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID MORON.
No, I cannot get in touch with him if he has no cellphone and he doesn't call and the only place he remains is in an always moving vehicle.

dumbasses. i hate dealing with people with stupid question.

OMG!

this woman came to my door this morning while cal et al were still here
i answer the door.
"Hello"
"Hi, Did they sell the house next door yet?"
- my new neighbours moved in last week, the for sale sign is sitting on their front porch still, but it still says SOLD-
"Yeah, they did."
"Oh, for sure?"
"yes"
"Oh darn. Did they move in yet?"
"Yeah, last week."
"OH! well darn, I was going to look at it, but i guess its too late"

duh

well, i have to ask this: Where do people get off thinking they can walk up to a persons door, a person they have never met before, and start asking questions about their neighbours house? i mean, ok, i'm friendly, i was nice to her and all that, but still, what the hell? i would never just walk up to a strangers door, knock on it, and drill them retarded questions about the house that was sold nearly three weeks earlier and moved into the previous week. sorry, but im grouchy with people

then again, if i were drunk and around the right people, i might do that...but not alone in my own ignorance.

i shouldn't be a clerk. so many stupid people i'm not even going to start

but, you know, i had a good weekend. saturday really kind of blew ass, but i lived, at least. sigh. see, i dont like the job until certain people, like steve reid, or rod, or other people come in and make it fun. thats the only time i like the job. otherwise, people are cold and uptight and "ooo, i'm rich, i can tell you what to do despite my own stupidity" etc etc

im bitter

lol

parents will be home soon, house is safe and ready. if the bed isn't right from cal sleeping in it, my excuse: the cat was playing with a bag on it and went a little too far

HA!

harumph, aaaalalalalalalaaaaaaa. i enjoy the fact im not working tonight. but god, i feel crappy still. i want to be around my friends! you know, actually, i wouldn't mind hanging out with Josh right now, even though he would be showing off some quality or another, i wouldn't mind that right now.
i miss school. I hate it now, but i miss the time gone by. it was fun, indeed. hard to believe i actually lived that, eh?
well, there she goes.

mm, blue rodeo. thats as close as i get to country, and its not really country, is it? i like 'em, what can I say? i love 'em!

damnit! i have an ulcer, or something, on my lip. grrrrrrrrrr

a good day to you, sir

"you're a detective? good! Help me find my pants"

My stupid Review

so, last night until about 3 AM, i finished watching The Stand, a six hour movie gigish thing.

there were some good aspects of it, sure. they did a fair job of telling the story as it is, they got the characters pretty well down (Except Harold and Nadine).

but, though it may have been a while since I've read the book and felt that feeling of intimacy with the story, there were some pretty sad parts to it.

lets put aside the out of date graphics (we're talking MAJOR 90's thing here, crappy graphics, corny "devil" masks, etc), and the style, and lets look at the general movie.

good: story line
bad: everything else...except some actors.

yeah, it was pretty bad. its hard to watch for someone who hasn't read the stand before, and entertaining (as in the laughing-AT kind of entertaining) for those who have.

the stand? what is it?

a great book by stephen king, likely his best piece ever. BIG, but great, awesome to read. i love it. its my favourite book so far.
the book is about the end of the world, pretty much.
see, the government lets loose (by accident, of course0 this freak Superflu, Captain Trips, Plague, call it whatever you want, its let loose. it kills 99.9 percent of the population, leaving a VERY small handful of people who are immune to it for whatever reason.
then they start coming together, and this is where religion starts to come up. everyone starts to have dreams, one with an old black woman in nevada, and the other about the "walkin' Dude", over in Las Vegas.
the old woman is Mother Abigail, the walkin' dude (A devil it seems) is Randall Flagg.
so, everyone starts having these dreams, and starts going to one place, either Boulder Colorado (Mother Abigail), or Las Vegas(Randall Flagg).

so, there are these two "forces" started, one good, one evil.

in retrospect, it really is a rather simple storyline. BUT!!!! it does get complicated. there are bunches of subplots, UP the wang, more than enough characters to follow in different times and areas, all sorts of different ordeals going on (Power supply? Babies Immunity? Flagg? Spies? AHH) all that jazz.

great book, really. sadly, a lot of major characters die... in fact, I'm thinking only two of the original characters live in the end. whoops. anyway, good story (GREAT), but the movie, though it was pretty funny, doesn't earn up to it. once again, if someone hasn't read the book before, they're left a little dizzy after changing from one side of the continent to the other then more south and all over the place.

anyway, i watched it.

i'm starting to realize how predictable Stephen King is though. it sucks. So many stories theres a black person who seems to be the savour of the main character (Talisman, it was the old carnival guy, the shining was that black guy, the stand was mother abigail), and his endings are getting easy to predict.
average stephen king ending:
everything goes up in smoke! the big bang at the end! then, back to the normal life, everything is the same save for a small, almost undetectable factor, and then a small twist at the end.

perfect example is secret window. movie wise, i mean, i haven't read secret window, secret garden yet. i might not, either.
anyway, movie wise, he goes and kills her...then, hes in the store, braces, just you know, some person, then he eats corn that grew over her rotting corpse! buahahaha.

gah. sigh. stephen king, you're letting loose too much!

anyway, this is long enough.

PS

www.bonarlaw.blogspot.com

I'm bad, oh yeah

Yesterday I went shopping with me mum, with the intention of getting a bathing suit for the cottage.

ha

NOT

my mom baught me...let me remember, now... red flip flops, which i love...two kapris, one green and one black...and....???oh! coat. then i baught, for myself, two cds and two dvds.

then i returned to shop more today

I got six pins, five patches, a new bag (canvas one. my "purse"), and a led zeppelin shirt...and two more cds and another dvd.

i think i've spent 200$ or more on myself. I'm bad. oh yes, bad.

and, at last, i got pictures developed from my expedition with emma. they're cool. the edward picture, of him just out of bed with glasses, CLASSIC. i love it.

of those cds and stuff, i have both Kill Bill soundtracks (because i love it), and of the dvds, the wall, the stand, and Sarstock. oh yeah

so

I'm ok. i enjoyed scaring Min with all my new stuff today, heheheehhe...min's my boss. anyway, it was fun.

and then i remembered the bus.

we all know enough about that.

parents are leaving for the weekend tomorrow. i wish i could plan a party-ish thing for sunday, or something. that would be fun. hmmm, maybe.... it would be nice to have some people over, or something, man...

anyway, i'm lonely. i haven't hung out with anyone for ages, save for emma yesterday...no, wait...night before. gark. shes the only one.

OH! MAN! Ben came in tonight, ben from years back who used to be my bud behind me. anyway, he came in and showed off his led zeppelin lighter, since i was wearing the new shirt, and then BOB! his dad was in, and i didn't even recognize him! it rocked! man, i miss those days sometimes. good old bed...sigh again

well, i think that shall be all tonight. Kill Bill two...listening right now. neat.

adios!

PS: I joined this other blog, http://kiwifudge.blogspot.com. it was vanessas, i just decided to join. maybe ill check that out some more....what do you do with those things, anyway?

ciao

Now I'm bored

Who Will You Marry? by Sari
Name
Date	April 20, 2038
Spouse	Tom Cruise
Price of Wedding	$268,606
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

buahaha

Your Lord of the Rings DEATH by villainslair
Name/Username
Age
Date to die:	October 26, 2359
Your LotR death shall be:	Frodo gives you the Ring for safekeeping, Ringwraiths find you and run you through.
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

go figure

don't get into that stuff....ever

The purpose of University is...

...well? what?

I figured University was there to help me get to where i needed to go for my future, you know, to get my ideal career, reach my goals. but, it turns out that, though that is the stated purpose, they want me to know everything before i even get there.

so, i guess I don't learn there. I just go there because I have to to get a career in anything nowadays, right?

so my problem is rather simple, and stupid.
I can't get into university anywhere except possibly York for singing Jazz.
first problem (one I latered discovered which sort of helped me with problem two): Windsor and U of T (places i was looking at) Have the wrong program.

second problem: Admission to either requires at least four songs to sing at an audition, two - four in another language. they also give an ear test, all that jazz, and they want a grade 8 conservative training background. i have none of that. nope, not me. i cant learn that fast either.
fuck.

well, I don't know about York yet. they have something like Jazz Vocalism, and I'm counting on that...but if they want the same thing, I'm dead. I won't be following music, simply because I can't. which sucks ass. I would go into art, because thats what I have to fall back on, Art. not something you can do for a living, right?

sigh

what a crappy day-night-day. Theres no place in the world for the under developed. just waiting on tables and shining shoes.

i didn't get training because i was niave and thought that University would do that for me. I thought they would train me. hello, thats why I'm going...or want to go, at least.

meh

The Time Chevy

I just recently returned from a camping trip with my brother and halesha and her brother. it was fun. strange, because of one thing:
the truck.
well, lets get straight to the point, for once.

my brother currently owns a Chevy truck from the 70's, maybe older. its huge. big. its a greyish blue colour, but only the front. see, it has no back, only a flatbed. a flatbed of old, thick wood. however, what makes this truck special are the cupboards on this flatbed. On each side of the back end are two white cupboards. between its space for tools, anything.

whats great about this?
I slept in it, and I saw its floor.

so?

Its previous owner was my father. Before the truck was cleaned of its character and mess, it was my dads errand truck. back when he used to be a mechanic, surviving on what he made from that until computers came into the auto industry. back when he owned it, there was a welder on the back as well, right behind the passenger seat. also, filling the cupboards and space between were tools of all sorts, jacks, wheels, everything. inside the truck, in the rather large cab, was the big green plastic seat.

In the summer, if one was to wear shorts in that truck, they would be stuck to that seat for a while.
all over the floor of the cab would be books, old and warm water bottles, more tools, clocks, rags dirty with oil, paper, and writing on the ceiling.

this was the truck, the truck i would always see my dad in, and i still cant picture him in anything else.

as a young child, i would go on errands occassionally with my father, sitting in the passenger seat with a seatbelt that rarely came out for me. there was a trick to it that i have long forgotten, sadly. behind us, our old dog Boss, the greatest dog i have ever known and will never be beaten (its not possible), would be riding along with us, head in the breeze, tongue out, just sitting calmly. he was a german shepard mixed with either wolf or fox, but i'm thinking it was fox. a dangerous mixture, but he was truly a dog from, if there is such a thing, heaven. he was the perfect dog, the best companion to have. a perfect friend.

i would sit in the shade of this truck while my father worked on tractors, trucks, cars, anything. that, or i would sit with boss int he back, moving whenever my dad needed another tool. we would just sit and watch dad work, wearing his old "uniform", a big brown thing with stains of all sorts on it. and he loved it. we loved it. it was our freedom.

as time went on, and computer chips began to come into the equatio of engines, my father could no longer stay up to date with how to repair things. he is now a computer genius, but not with car computers, sadly. he no longer does errands for people, save for those with old tractors or cars who remember his name from the years when he was the best mechanic around. and even now, when he goes on those errands, he uses a new truck, a smaller, more common one.

for a while, the old chevy sat in his back driveway, off to the side, gathering dust, flattening tires, and weeds growing around it. it was forgotten, left to die of old age without any last run.

however, my brother, not too long ago, wrote off his own car. it wasn't his fault, for once, but someone elses, so he was given help in finding a new vehicle, and he found it: in the chevy.

in my dads garage, the chevy was brought back to life over time, with new tires, engine work, the whole works. and for the first time, there was nothing in it.

now, the welder is long gone, as patrick does not use it, same with all the tools filling the cupboards and back space. Boss is no longer alive to see the old truck, as he died seven years ago. he was old too.

and, last night, for the first time, i sat in the cab as it must have been years before, when dad had first gotten it: clean. I saw the floor. my feet were resting flat on the metel floor below me, far below me, it seems. and it was strange. Last night i slept in the truck, and i remembered the little window that was just in front of the main one. this window was just a little push-open thing, and i suddenly remembered it while i was searching for air.

i rode home today with my hand out the window. I couldn't remember how i had gotten the seatbelt out those years before, so i rode without it on. i thought back to the days when i remarked to my dad "Look! I can almost see out the window!" and he would smile for me.

they were great days. and you see? I do have a time machine, an old one without computers in it but pure gears, plain metel. a plain old truck, customized and used.