Ashley

Something can come from being on the fence.
Insight into both sides, being able to switch from one to the other with a little more ease. being "universal".
which is a good thing in the real world. Out there, where you're interacting with others on a regular basis, where the world responds to you. well.

But in your world, your own personal world, it's the worst thing in the world.
Being on the fence in your own world, is a scary thing. When it comes to your own personal choices, you can't make them, because in the real world, you don't. you can't divide yourself in your own personal preferences.
so you have to decide between this ever so useful Universal way of thinking, requiring you to sacrafice your own mental health..
or protect yourself, and get you on one side of the fence.

Working on both at the same time is hard. For a while, it works.... but sooner or later, the fence starts making its way into your mind, a bad place to have a fence. a sooner or later, that fence you're sitting on in the real world looks more and more like it doesn't really exist. its starts to thin out, wobble, crumble beneath you.

what I'm saying....

I've been trying to be a Good person. for a while. I've been worrying more about other people, about what the world thinks, and less and less about what my mind is doing while I'm thinking about these things. and I've been listening to my mind a little more lately, and I've realized just how bad it is.
My behaviour is changing. For a while, my mind has been unwell. and now it's making its way into the real world, and its affecting me. it's making that fence I've tried sitting on disappear, and I've fallen down to the ground.

I won't say I saw it coming, but I sure felt it was a possibility. I just didn't think it would actually come to this.
While my mind has been fighting with the real world (and losing), my body has paid the price. msyterious headaches, other phantom pains in my body, sudden light headedness, feeling like the world beneath me is shifting...
chemicals. sometimes it really is just the chemicals in your body.

well...
I'm going to fix it.
I made an appointment this morning for the doctor.

I can't go to work like this anymore. I can't move to Oakville without something. I can't keep going on like this, It's like a cliff suffering from erosion, the kind you see on the east coast. It's got a small chunk of land on top, maybe even a tree up there, but all the rock beneath it, holding it up and away from the ocean, is being eaten away by those waves. waves of painful thoughts, uncanny thoughts...

It isn't going to work anymore.

and it doesn't help to take all these tests, and to have every one of them say "severe depression, seek help from blablabla" and so on.
doesn't help much.

Three years I've been like this, and I'm at a new low.
time to do something with a slightly more permanent solution. or... relief, at least.
I can't take it anymore.

so now you know.

PS:
Ashley is the name i'm giving to my headaches and any more phantom pains I get.

ok.
I'm going to call. first thing I will do when I wake up tomorrow, is call.
and ask for help.

Losing Stature

I've been slipping.

I've been trying very hard at work to be happy, to enjoy being there. but it's hard when you go home at 5 and have a whole night to yourself and your computer. and while that might sound good, thats all that I have. There's no where to go, with almost no one.
its a very lonely place to be at this point.
I want to be back on the night shift.

And because I've been trying to be happier at work, I'm becoming much more irritable at home. I'm sounding cranky when I don't mean to, I'm acting smart with my mother for the first time.
I'm just getting sick of being here, all the time, alone. totally alone. I hate being this alone.

On top of that, I'm realizing how close I'm coming with my bills. phone. rent. tight. its very tight.

little things are pissing me off. people who talk to me in the store, people my age who i went to school with, acting like they're my buddy because they remember that I was good at something in highschool and they were there once. but I'm never invited to a party (even though I wouldn't go to one), never asked if I'm available to chill, jam, nothing. I'm sick of these fakes.
and these fake shows.

Plus:

there are things I want to change when I move. I want to work out at nights, do yoga, eat well... change myself so that the next time I try on a dress I would love to wear, I won't look so bad in it.
But to me, after wearing nothing but band shirts and jeans for most of my life, wearing a dress really is like putting a bull in toutou.
I look so strange in it. awkward. I don't wear it well.
and I really want to...

but my breasts are too big, my ribs are too wide, my torso too short. leg wise I'm fine now... but hips and up, i'm so off. My arms don't bug me anymore, but my chest... good god, what do I have to do to get a reduction?
i hate all these girls who hate themselves because they're Flat, or think they are, and they want DD and up.
do they not know how annoying those things are when they're that big? You can't wear v-necks, you're always showing cleavage. You can't wear all those shirts, because they're not made for anything bigger than B's.

man.... I wish I could do what mom did and just turn off the food aspect and lose it all.

It's a hard point in time for me. Making the change of address and realizing I have to go through training again is scaring me. Being in public is so hard for me, and I'll be in a city, full of people. Doing all those things, are so hard.
so at this point in time, I'm realizin nothing other than the faults I was born with, the ones I developed, and ones I may never change.

why can't I just be what I feel I should be? Why can't I look like the girl I think I am inside?
If I looked like the girl inside me, I wouldn't have these problems...
but all I've been facing lately are these walls that say if I'm not beautiful, I won't make it, no matter how smart I am.
and even then, Smart or not, being a woman will always be my downfall. Don't even think for an instant that there is equality in this world. there isn't. Stereotypes are thrown at me from every angle:
Working in a convenient store: idiot teen with no brain or aspirations.
being a woman: Can't lift weights, can't possibly have a License for filling that propane tank, can't know anything about computer and cars and so on about anything.

very similar.

Don't think for an instant it isn't as bad as I make it out to be either. You weren't there. You aren't there. You don't know.
YOU try having someone decide that being the sex you are immediately means you are worthless and useless.

I'm good for nothing but fucking and birthing babies and spending money.

here's the kicker:
i'll never get any of those.
because I'm not even a decent stereotype.

this summer is going to suck.

no beach. no bonfires. no people in general save for the pretentious fucks in my store.

i think i might go homicidal.

and no one will get it.

fuck.

i am very very alone

thank you

for saying that

did I mention this site is copyright?

here's an idea for
A music video.

Starts out, singer sitting on a couch, normal... everything. gets up. and slowly walks through the house, and everything the singer touches, a plant (vines, flowers, moss, whatever) starts growing from the spot, spreading across the room slowly. so they go through the house like that. Maybe every so often, getting a bit playful and jumping, and when they jump, when they land the ground splits and a tree starts growing from it. slowly. Maybe on the way through, in the kitchen or something, they get all wild and yank out the sink or something, and water starts springing out.
so, they go outside now. its sunny, and i guess... that would be the bridge of the song. outside, by the way, sunny, yeah, blinding, bugs are flying out of the doorway... but you get a moment where you see its a city (which is obviously not a green place).
go back inside, and all the plants have changed the house into nothing but plant matter. you can't see wall, and the bit you see of wall is quickly covered. the trees that sprouted up are through the ceiling. the sink that was pulled out is now a "waterfall". singer could stumble on something, maybe a rock or some random animal that is running around, catches themselves by putting a hand on the wall, and has to yank their hand out of the plants to get it back. you know, plants trying to keep the hand.
oh,
and its raining. inside. hell, there could be lightning (the electricity going?), and the singer could be catching rain in their mouth or something.
end of the song, singer gets back to where they started, and turns into a statue, like you would find in a garden. then, you know, plants start to envelope that.
thats my music video.
steal it and die.
bitch

I'm a Doctor!

Taking this year off from school (an thus deciding to stay this way) has let my mind open up to another aspect of life, a little more so than I could have with such distractions as Essays and so on...
that being Observation.
I've had a lot of time on my hands to observe people, note how they act in certain scenarios, decide how they will act when this is added to the equation.. something I've played with.
One example would be a recent one, of the man coming into the store, and my knowing SOMEHOW that when he came back with his wallet, he would also decide to get the movie Munich.
This isn't psychic ability. it's observation.
see, he's a regular customer. so I know his body language... well. not very well, but enough to say Well.
The first time he was in the store (just before he realized he forgot his wallet at home), he was by the movies. Not looking, but he was around there.
Now, there was another woman down that isle, who WAS looking at movies, and looking at MUNICH.

you could say that it was just a guess, but basically, it was logic. He probably saw her looking at the movie, and while he was driving home, probably thinking "well, now that I have my wallet, I could get something else as well...", his thoughts probably returned to what he had seen in the store, while thinking of what else to get. And he thought of the woman looking at the movie.
Munich.

and that's how I came to the conclusion that he wanted Munich. that and the fact that we all want what other people want/have. for the most part.
and I was right.

it wasn't a guess, but it wasn't psychic ability. It was logic... kind of a twisted logic.

It's the same thing with people wanting Propane. I can tell, by how a person stands, STARING at you, that they want propane.
I'm right 99% of the time with that.

It's freaky... it's true.

I did it again tonight with my mom and gord. I was watching TV, and saw Manhunter was coming on. I wasn't going to watch it, because I didn't want to be in a room with Gord, but I knew that if I left it there, they would watch it.
that was at nine.
it's almost 11, and they're still watching it.
Not a guess, just their habits, giving them away.

same with knowing if someone needs a lighter. Not because they don't have one, and you know that without actually knowing, but just that you notice them feeling their pockets (with just the right amount of hesitation upon realizing they don't have what they seek), and you act. "oh here's a lighter"
It's just being able to tell what people are thinking. Not, what they're thinking, it's... being able to put yourself in their exact spot, and knowing what you would think and what you would be doing, or rather, doing what they're doing, and figuring out why you're doing it. It's seeing the possibilities, and picking out the right one that fits. sort of like diagnosing someone by their symptoms.
i'm a doctor!


man... It's fun. a lot of fun. it brings a sick satisfaction with it.
I aim to break those bonds!

More Radiohead Pictures...

Blue in Green

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here

pink floyd...

I'm missing this.
Every time I lay down, and look over and see you.
I hear you, echoing around me,
images fluttering by like moths in the lamps.
conversations in the distance, crickets in the dark.
What am I to do?
What's to be done here?
I'm surrounded by you, but I'm alone.
You're like the night I can't sleep through.

In, Out and Under

Well, all the boys are moving out.
well, not out...
Angus is in toronto. Aric is moving back to his parents tomorrow. I was going to drop by tomorrow, before angus heads back out to toronto, but... i probably won't anymore.
Scott, Tyler and Felicia are moving upstairs in that place...

Looks like my fun is over. No more going out after work...
Why do I have to work day shifts? Now I have nothing to do at night...
fuck. this didn't work out at all.
I am.... tired. what am I supposed to occupy myself with now?
guitar....
But I don't want to play my guitar. I want a new one, or an old one... a classical one. It would be easier on me....

fuck.

nothings working very well. At least, not compared to a great day that I just had.

Witnessed my Bosses temper for the first time today. pretty bad... not towards me...

ok, im done for now.

I broke it

Picture everything all at once.
Everything. Every person, every event in their lives, how it coincides (or doesn't) with your own. how that makes you feel, makes them feel, how others feel. Imagine everything.
Got it?

I used to think I was a fairly lucky person, when it came to my mental state. While, yes, I was a sad child (who wasn't at some point), I never thought of myself as Jealous.
in recent years, that has changed.
I became much more aware of how I am. I AM a jealous person. and i am not lucky.
I have been in certain parts of life. For instance, being raised right. my mother did a good job, for being a single mother half of my life.
But no one can save a child from the world. No one.
What drives me to this edge all the time is the constant thought of everything, of everything going around in my head like a race track, and all those cars going around and around. it only takes one of them to get them all to crash.
and they're just about to make the bang.

All I can hear in my head are words from another person. "She's the closest thing I've got a girlfriend". That's all. and I lose it.
i imagine the possiblities. him kissing her, loving her, her... well...
and I wonder,
what's so wrong with it?
everyone does those things. Everyone. its something we do, as humans. So why am I so cut off from it suddenly?
I have these feelings, but I cannot, CANNOT, act on them ever again. that part of me has been cut out... and I never really intended for it to happen like this. I didn't want to be with anyone, but it was more to save my mind. Now that my body is suddenly... dead... My mind is in greif.
I can't stop picturing them...
I wonder at these things. Could I be resurrected? for him? Could I be normal?
If I could be who you wanted all the time...
And I become Jealous. What do these girls have that I don't? I have a mind. It's lost, but I have it. I have my moments of sanity, and they are clear and wonderous.
Oh yes, the Physical.
It's true.
Sometimes, it just doesn't matter what you're like on the inside.
My own boss admitted to me, that the first thing that gets you going for that person, is their looks.

I'm just not enough.

If only I could be that girl. If only I could be beautiful. Just so he could see me...

(didn't he though? Didn't he even say to you - a long time ago. it was a long time ago - Hardly. He told you, "I've never thought of you that way before" - and that was it. Nothing more. - But he told you... - Am I supposed to believe everything I hear, when I was raised in sarcasm, sarcasm in compliments? How do you survive on that? you can't! no wonder i've lost it. No wonder I can't feel anything. Because I actually, genuinely, am out of touch with the world, and probably the one person I want to be in touch with...)

I should give up smoking and move to India, be a monk. I've got the celibacy thing down.

I imagine life and death. Real death, my existence being wiped out in an instant. I imagine what little it would do, and I hope that sometime in my lifetime, I come in contact with an alien, and hope he takes me away to his own galaxy, and teaches me how to live forever. And I would teach him how to.... cry?

I imagine life and death. I imagine Love, and Hate.
How I hate this love. it kills me eternally. I lose myself in his gaze, voice, stance. I'm lost in it, Lost to the point of numbing euphoria. Almost... like being a normal person. I'm normal with him. and I imagine him falling for this girl, this girl I never want to meet... I imagine a wedding day, and whose standing in the back, trying to be as absent as possible without losing sight of her friend. Her buddy. buddy....

(I've never wanted to love someone so badly, I've never found it so hard and unnatural to hold back and not hold him, not to hold a life to me, even a hand, something, some power, some life to connect to me, and to respond to me)

I imagine myself. and I'm lost in this feeling, of feeling everything imaginable, and being able to do nothing but drown.

So that's what those dreams were about.

Just got back from my trip to toronto for the Radiohead concert...
amazing. It was. Pictures will be up on my MSN thang.

it was... a very nice 24 hours. very excellent concert...

and now I'm back to the rut.

ill miss him

I had a dream last night.
I dreamed that I was laying down, and he was laying next to me, very close, touching.
and when he stood up, he was excited, and happy and while walking towards the door to get ready to leave, he said "thanks! you got me going!"
and then I realized HOW I got him "going".
I had been used. I had... done that... and he left to give that "attention" to another girl.
Meh.
Later in that dream, i was looking around for clothes with him, and he gave me one, a cool one. somehow, after using me, he was best friends with me.
later, I was getting ready to leave, to go to this concert, and I was packing up and getting ready to go, and I just couldn't remember everything.
I even woke up this morning, and realized I had forgotten deodorant.

very strange dreams, vivid.

i had a seperate dream that my hair was long. it looked good.

thats about it.

WHEN

fuck.
I dont know about this.

Radiohead... It'll be awesome. i just hope I wake up in time for it.
I mean, my heart just feels so.... cold? dead?
asleep.
I can't wake up to things anymore, not until they're long gone, or over. too late. I'm too late for everything. And when you're too late for everything for so long, eventually you start going into things without any expectations... which leaves you starting out with nothing, and ending with nothing... when it could be different. and it doesn't work that way EITHER, because you KNOW it could be different.
I mean, I'm looking forward to this trip, but half of me is afraid of it for some reason. Afraid of bram? I don't think he likes me.
no, that's not it.
Afraid of Angus?
likely.
afraid of.. trains?
afraid of...

not feeling. I'm afraid I won't feel anything, at this concert, anything other than confusion and angst. angst. god, even that seems foreign and unlikely. I just... bad timing, I guess.
if this concert had been a month ago...
If things were different in some way.

Why do I feel so dead? is it because I've asked for the numb? because I didn't pay attention to what I felt when I felt it? Because I'm denying myself of everything human, of the feeling of being loved? hugged? Because i've denied myself?
why?

why can't I just wake up?!

Law of Lines

I see a man in a suit
the world falling on his head.
I see girls and boys
bumping and led,
Mechanical lovers,
pushers and shovers.

I see him standing alone
A broken back holding him up.
They see dead and rich
tripping him up,
Bitter like Faters,
Friendly like Haters.

He drops his breif case
from his finger tips.
No stopping now,
We've busy lips.
We've no mothers,
Sisters and Brothers.

Busy Bus
driven by
Busy us
flying by
Privy us
Tell a lie
Divy us
Livid high
Follow through
Give a ring
Lucky few
Let me sing

Given this
sad affair
never fear
angel hair.

If he ever gets back home,
Wife and kids to postpone.
and Taxi drivers out of gas
lets still moan and groan.
He's no happier
we're no sadder.
He's no gladder,
They're no madder.

Lighten up
Fill'er up
Chill out
fill out
forms again
lies again

you're no better
We're no lower