this week

Note to self:

being sick really sucks.

solitaire three-draw record now at 47 Seconds. Oh yeah, I kick butt at stupid blank games... blank as in, blanking out but still playing.

step dads are dumb, especially when they feel like bitching at someone, so they choose you. fuck heads.

watch your language

save money for friday/friday night. DADS BIRTHDAY! Woot! 52! get Tobasco Sauce and chocolate goodness.

and go see that beautiful Ultrasound. yay babies... or not.... hehe

do work, for once, and actually TRY to do some friggen work you lazy lazy pathetic excuse of a human being.

oh yeah, maybe give Gus a call at some point.

well, let the week of lonliness begin!
RAWR!

There's nothing here to run from

These nights, These almost *rare* nights where we reunite for a few hours, remind me of things. All of these moments that show me what was, and what still is. moments that show how easily you can go from this to that without all of that pain. it's so easy, smooth, un-noticed, fake, not there... it's amazing.
Tonight I was with Calista, Jen, and Scott again, like during the summer, with those bonfires. There was a dinner at Calista's, the entire table + four people, full, with Duck! and it was just a good time, where we all just remembered things, and loved where we were... being there. It was a time where I felt like I couldn't lose it as easily as I thought. It's not that hard to hold onto, it's not that hard to let be. it's not hard. It doesn't need to be hard, really..
and those moments where it is hard? fear, I suppose, because things ARE going to be lost. it already has. This year is not last year. that year is gone, and I guess the reason I get sad about that is because I was so happy in that year, I was so safe, with all of these beautiful people as my friends, getting closer and closer. And it IS hard to stay close to them when they're a three hour drive away, a long distance call away, a lifetime away. Their lives are changing forever, and mine is trapped behind, where it too is changing.
but tonight was a good night. it showed that I will lose things, but some won't be lost so easily. Touch might be lost, but not for long. There's an entire lifetime to find them again. And with the internet and technology where it is and where it's going, finding them will be easier than first thought. It just takes effort, I suppose.
and you have to let it be.

well, let it be, there you go.
but sometimes I still believe in yesterday

I had a dream a few nights back that I still can't make much sense of.

It was a big party, at a house, and it was a lot like the Bonarlaw party... only, less people, daytime, no band, and not much going on. but people were walking around with drinks, "chatting" with everyone else, sitting around, etc etc, yeah...

but that was the dream. but, though this wasn't actually said anywhere by someone in it, It was our "reunion" party, or something...

well, you know how in dreams you can know things, even though its a dream... why wouldn't you? whatever, anyway....

it was our reunion, but not everyone had shown up, and people were beginning to leave, just kind of falling out of the picture.

the one part I didn't make much sense of was the wierd Zoom In I did with a city of some sort, which I got the idea as being Ottawa. but yeah, apparently that city is where they all were living.

it kind of hit me, when I woke up though. the dream, i mean. I woke up, and for some reason, I felt like I knew it was coming.
what?
what
wha!
im not making sense. everyone, in the dream, was dropping out of the picture without warning, or much notice. and that could happen. it could, right? It is, probably, going to happen. everyone is going to drop out of my life again, back to how it was in grade nine, except for any future party that is just SO HUGE no one can turn it down and everyone goes, and then there they are, blablabla

im not making sense

I woke up ten-five minutes ago, and it's a PA day. alright. but im still bored!
anyway, yup.... im going to take off... i guess.

yup

Why am I fucked up at... THIS... moment?

This is not freedom. no, it's something else. It's a chamber, a place where everything is the opposite, turned to the left and bent to a 45 degree angle. This is not where normal is. There is no guessing here, no logic, no sense, nothing. there is nothing here, nothing in this for me. But, no matter how hard I pull the door, push, kick to get it open, it won't open, and I'm stuck in this tiny little room, with all of these twisted, morbid things called thoughts rushing towards me. Pressing towards me, threatening to claw at my skin, to tear off this fake shield against them. I can't even pretend to know what I'm doing anymore. I can't. I can't stand this room. i can't stand these voices, these things, words, actions, I can't stand it anymore. I can't pretend to be okay with this, I can't pretend to be 'strong', in control of myself. I'm not. I lost control when it got dark in here. I lost control when the air supply was cut off. I lost control LONG ago, my friend, and I can't handle it much longer. soon, all of this poisoned air is going to get to me, i'm going to suffocate, i'm going to put my arms down from exhaustion, and they're going to get me. My shield, this insignificant little piece of a face, expression, fake smile, is going to be torn away from me.
and then the door will open, light will shine through, and all of those people, the real people, the ones who have lives, loves, thoughts that make sense, are going to see me, after I've given up, lost it all. They're going to catch me in the act, but they won't see that I wasn't doing it, because those fucking demons will have run away snickering about how they got me again.
No, no, I can't stand this much more. Freedom is somewhere else, not in this tiny room, where rotten apples is the reigning scent. I can't sit in there much longer...
if you thought you could predict this, predict it all, you were wrong. everything you think is wrong. everything you feel, guess, think is wrong. Your logic is nonsense. Your sense is rediculous. You don't know these thing, no one does... and you are the last one who will see me in this place, when I do fall apart, even if you are first in line.

but man, why couldn't I say something? verbally say the words that will describe perfectly how I feel, words that will give you empathy, a moment of enlightenment.. surely those words exist, don't they? If I could learn them, if I could learn the language, If I could learn to think again, to feel again, to understand myself as well as the world around me without strain, I would use them for you. I would pass the gift to you, so you could see, so it would make sense again. I wish, I wish, I wish it would all go away. I wish this was all a dream. I wish I was insane, and this was all some drug-induced halucination while my real self is lying in a hospital somewhere, dead and undead, alive but far away from itself...

why can't I sleep well anymore? Why can't I feel awake when I need to think? Why can't I grab a thought, and hold onto it? Why can't I hold onto her voice? Why can't I hold onto his sight? Why can't I hold onto anything anymore? Where has it gone, that thing I thought was a gift? Why can't I make music, feel, love, understand, know, explain, not CARE anymore? where did all of that stuff GO? Why can't I be ME again? Why can't I go back to grade nine and avoid that room, why can't I fix everything, why can't i figure out myself, why can't i know what's happening around me anymore, why can't I stay with it, Why can't I really be here without being somewhere else, why can't I stay, why can't I go, Why Can't I ignore everything said behind my back,Why can't I NOT notice everything I think they're thinking but not thinking, Why did my life end up like this, Where did they go, Why did I get paranoid, who made me this way, why did their words affect me so much, why did I let it get to my head, why can't I just live again, learn normally, not zone out, stay with it, be a friend not a wierd situation, why can't i be a normal person and be happy-
Why can't I cry?
Why can't I sob?
Why can't I feel love?
Why can't I be hugged?
Why can't I hug?
Why can't I be loved?
Why can't I...
Why...

Why am i like this?

We got a call to write a song about the war in the Gulf
But we shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings
So we tried, then gave up, 'cause there was no such song
But the trying was very revealing
What makes a person so poisonous righteous
That they'd think less of anyone who just disagreed?
She's just a pacifist, he's just a patriot
If I said you were crazy, would you have to fight me?
Fighters for liberty, fighters for power
Fighters for longer turns in the shower
Don't tell me I can't fight, 'cause I'll punch out your lights
And history seems to agree that I would fight you for me
So we read and we watched all the specially selected news
And we learned so much more 'bout the good guys
Won't you stand by the flag? Was the question unasked
Won't you join in and fight with the allies?
What could we say...we're only 25 years old?
With 25 sweet summers, and hot fires in the cold
This kind of life makes that violence unthinkable
We'd like to play hockey, have kids and grow old
Fighters for Texaco, fighters for power
Fighters for longer turns in the shower
Don't tell me I can't fight 'cause I'll punch out your lights
And history seems to agree that I would fight you for me
That us would fight them for we
He's just a peacenik and she's just a warhawk
That's where the beach was, that's where the sea
What could we say...we're only 25 years old?
And history seems to agree that I would fight you for me
That us would fight them for we
Is that how it always will be?


Sam Stone came home,
To his wife and family
After serving in the conflict overseas.
And the time that he served,
Had shattered all his nerves,
And left a little shrapnel in his knee.
But the morphine eased the pain,
And the grass grew round his brain,
And gave him all the confidence he lacked,
With a Purple Heart and a monkey on his back.

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin' I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.
Mmm....

Sam Stone's welcome home
Didn't last too long.
He went to work when he'd spent his last dime
And Sammy took to stealing
When he got that empty feeling
For a hundred dollar habit without overtime.
And the gold rolled through his veins
Like a thousand railroad trains,
And eased his mind in the hours that he chose,
While the kids ran around wearin' other peoples' clothes...
Sam Stone was alone
When he popped his last balloon
Climbing walls while sitting in a chair
Well, he played his last request
While the room smelled just like death
With an overdose hovering in the air
But life had lost its fun
And there was nothing to be done
But trade his house that he bought on the G. I. Bill
For a flag draped casket on a local heroes' hill.

Two songs to learn. the first one by Moxy Fruvous, the gulf war song. the other is Sam Stone, by John Prine. the John Prine song is for the Rememberence day thing, so I HAVE to get that down. that other one, I don't what's happening with it, but Hopefully something will. I'm starting to get the higher part down to it. ANYway, there's my music that I need to get going on.

i like music

me and my money

Are NOT the best of friends. as soon as I get some of it, it takes off to a store of some sort...

well, remember that 170$ purchase of music? it's been beaten. I just spent 194$ on music today, including a lovely Rush Calendar... i had to! all that music!
lets see, what did I get???

Flaming lips - Ego Tripping at the gates of hell
Flaming Lips - the soft bulletin
Janis Joplin - Best of
Joni Mitchell - ???
Ten Years After - Live at the Fillmore East (2 cds)
Frank Sinatra - Classic Sinatra
The Music - ????
George Harrison - Best of

I think thats it... but yeah, lots of music. YAY! anyway, there ye go.

work tonight

was?

Was he really "Crushed" when I turned away?
I couldn't think
See
hear
I was seeing in perriferal, nothing else.... how could I see him?

Why don't I have a choice when it comes to time? Wouldn't it be nice... I wouldn't have to commit to a day I didn't like. I could go back to a good day whenever I wanted. I could skip this horrible day and go to tomorrow. But why can't I just skip this part?

Oh, coffee house. I miss thee. I want another coffee house, big time, with Tellstory in it, because that's...that. Tellstory, man, it was the first LIVE music I had heard... other than Patricks band, but that doesn't count, I was only nine then. i don't even remember it, really, other than the one picture of him on stage with his Classic Les Paul.... that i might have gotten if he didn't have to sell it to pay rent at the age of 16.... dumbass....

frig.

happy? YES! Today was a GOOD day! oh boy oh boy. Lunch was nice, third was different..
and my fingers hurt. Why? GUITAR. I'm playing a lot now, don't even know why. whenever I'm around it, pick it up, go, it's... not usual, compared to how the summer was. Maybe being forced to play a saxophone in the morning and paint a picture everyday brought out the most creativity I've had in a while. I guess it was there all along, just asleep and hiding... or something.

Bought a book today. Everything is Illuminated. alright. another book. I haven't even gotten halfway through House of Leaves yet, i can't focus.

I think I have ADD... or something.

anyway, im tired, time to goooo
CIAO

I'd love to change the world...

everywhere is freaks and hairies
dykes and fairies, tell me where is sanity
tax the rich, feed the poor,
till there are no rich no more.

I'd love to change the world
but I don't know what do to
So I'll leave it up to you..

Population keeps on breeding
Nation bleeding, still more feeding economy

Life is funny, Skies are sunny
Bees make honey, who needs money, monopoly

I'd love to change the world
But I Don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you...

World Pollution, there's no solution
institution, electrocution
just black and white, rich or poor
them and us, stop the war

that's a song we're using for the Rememberance day thing. it's awesome. i love it.

So, today... well, what to say? Am I better than I was? no... not really... in fact, I think, as of ten minutes ago, I've found my hole and made a mess in it. and boy, did I know what I was doing or WHAT.

in other words, i feel like shit for the rest of the night. I'm going to learn songs on guitar, to distract myself, and at this very moment that I am typing this, I hurt a lot.

Know whats funny? how my blogs appear to get the same reaction from most people. I'm dramatic in this medium, i guess... which i think is good, because that means I could write a lot more stuff if I focussed in it instead of jerking off like this... lol, jerkass. but yes, i find that queer in a way, just how that's happened, right?... where am I going with this...

i make people cry... but I don't cry like them. I wonder a lot what would happen, if, lets say, someone I know was put inside my body, and feeling the same things I felt with their OWN past... ok. rephrase: Lets say that someone was put in my body for a day, on a day like this... would they cry? I wonder what they would do in my place. would they cry? sob? laugh? what? I wonder a lot, and I wish I could know, to see where i really stand int hsi sort of thing, but... i can't, right? not possible. and really, I think that's why i type the way I do, to try and immitate, the BEST that I can, how I feel, so I get an answer.
the answer was, in the case of my last blog, they would cry.

but wait, why?

ill never know why. thats what the comment thing is for, i suppose. not to get feedback on how to feel better, nothing like that, but for someone to tell me what they feel and why. how do they relate to what I've just written?

wow, i just realized why I do things. holy shite. thats amazing! I was questioning that for SO long, too! craziness...

anyway, back to now.. my now, that is...

how do I feel...

pained. sad. depressed. pained. alone. lonely. terribly lonely, longing for someone to be with me right now, so i'm not alone anymore. sure, moms home, ten meters away eating... but I'm so lonely, still. no connections are in this house anymore. Angus left about... twenty or so minutes ago... so, yeah... no one here with me. just music, and although music is the most precious thing to me (next to someone), it doesn't always comfort you the way a human does. thats the problem with technology. it can be SO amazing, take away distance between people with internet, phones, etc etc... but the person is still not really there, and I think (and hope) that technology will never immitate that connection. it's a human thing, something nothing can immitate. it's just there.
and I'm lacking it a lot.
my sibling moved out six years ago. my parents divorced thirteen years ago. an intruder came into my life seven years ago... and he came into my life three years ago... and left again, in a sense.
i cant describe this without making apparent who it is, and the fact is i DONT want everyone to know because of the assumptions made... but after being with him for, lets say, an hour, i can't go through the night without him. I need to hear his voice forever, see his face, feel that presence... hes oxygen to me. he is my life, and thats the biggest mistake i ever made.
once again, the constant theory. i didn't think, i hoped (PRAYED, when i believed in a god that would hear my prayers... then I learned...) that he would someday be my constant, my true love, my lover, best friend, husband, my life... and he was not, is not, will not be. he is my life though, and when you have one, you need the rest of those... with him, at least.

god, i love him. god. there is no god that hears me at night, or heard me. I don't pray anymore. I lost faith a long time ago and found something I can actually relate to, feel. i lost faith in "god" long long ago. i dont regret it. I prayed may a time for something, help, something more than the pain... and i got no answer. no hint. nothing. it's still here, for all of life, and I've given up on god. i have myself, my own body to control, to live with, and theres' no changing what happens and what happened.

what did I pray for? i never got an answer though. one thing i prayed for was an answer, a hint, something that would shed light on this cave... and there was nothing. not a flicker of hope.
thanks for listening.

whats so weird with the idea of Karma? whats so weird about it? really, it's just a word for consience, right? i mean, if you do something wrong, like rape someone, you will feel bad if your human, correct? and that will always weigh on you, and that weight is karma. when you die, the weight you feel (Karma) decides how you will live your next lifetime. so, if you feel guilty for raping people, killing, blablabla, you will feel really horrible up to the point you die. and then that feeling of guilt turns into a state of Hell, or a hungry ghost, searching for some escape, until you die from that lifetime as well. whats weird about that? it makes sense to me.. but then again, I'm buddhist, not christian. no heaven for me!....

i've lost track and focus again.

did I ever make a post about soul mates? if not, lets go back to the subject again...

i think I did...well, anyway, soulmates start their existance at the same point, so they're equal in age, etc etc, until one dies. then, they get a head-start at the next life, while the other is left growing in the first lifetime, alone. when that last soulmate finally dies and follows into the next lifetime, the first one is much older, so they may not get the chance to meet again, or anything, and it keeps going like that.
add into that equation the possibility of being born into a different life, such as...well, one soulmate might be reborn as a human being, but the other may be reborn in a state of heaven... so they're in different places/states as well... add to THAT, if both are reborn as humans, the size of the world, where people are...

the chance of meeting a soulmate is not great. infact, it's something that only happens every few lifetimes, all by the roll of the dice, all by chance, numbers matching, slots...whatever. it is rare. so rare, infact, that when it happens... it may be so weird for them, the soulmates, that they may not know what to think or do, or even recognize it as LOVE, or mistake it for infatuation, something that seems to be popular in this world now.
so now they are confused, and they only have one life to figure it out.

theres a disappointing thing. even if they meet and mate, it's only for a lifetime. then they are seperated again. enjoy it while it's there then, right? make the most of having your soulmate with you.

Fuck, sometimes it feels so much like I've already met him, know him, am friends with him... god that hurts so much...
oh shut up

tomorrow i start my big painting, in oil... alright. lets see if i can get back on the horse!

Cold Detachment

I am no constant.

one lesson I learned in the past year was to never place your trust in a Variable. Constants are Family Members, Best Friends, those are constants. they are to be trusted, in most circumstances... in the perfect setting, I suppose.

But I mistook a variable for a constant.

the price? The loss of a friend.

Loss.

Everyday, in the hallway, I see Angus. Brad Twiddy, his younger cousin (my age) is going to bayside, yet again, and everytime I see him I remember Angus.

Everyday, on my way home on the Bus, I see Brams little brother... not Isaac. But I see him, and he does a little wave to someone on my bus, the same sort of salute thing that Bram gave, and i remember Bram.
I rememebr everyone I've lost.
and to add to that ever growing list, is Kirsten.
I thought she was a constant in my life, but like all of those other amazing people (who I WISH were constants), she was a variable. And I placed my trust in her by mistake. I trusted that no matter how much I fucked up, she would be there, always... but she wasn't.
and it's no ones fault, it was a mistake.

I never had a constant until I met Emma. She is my constant, my best friend, the one who knows all there is to know about me. I trust her.
but all of today, on the way home, I couldn't help but think of how much I had gained since grade nine, and how in the course of a few months, I lost it all, and changed from it yet again.
I'm not the same person I was one year ago. not in the least bit. I am not Emily Engel, grade 11, hardly friends with many people. I am in grade 12, I've made friends with amazing people, almost all of whom are far far away from home.

fuck...

how did I get to be 16, in grade 12, with those people as my background?

back then, I tried SO hard to be their friend, even their variable, but I never got beyond empty space, wasted space, someone no one wanted around. I was a fucking loser, loner, asshole. I was in grade 8, 9, and i tried so hard for them to like me.
then I gave up on it. i said Fuck You, I'm not bothering...
and now, when I put half of the cards on the deck, all of these people want to play. they see that half, and think Fuck the other half, this looks like fun, lets play poker!
why now? I'm just a grade 9 whos been in highschool for going on four years. why the HELL do you want me now? did I earn some respect by working as a clerk? by knowing these people? by ignoring you? what the fuck did I do? these are half of my cards, which you claim to like now, but you haven't even seen the other half yet!
but you... fuck....YOU...
Emma knows my deck. all of it. and for once, I was brave (somewhat) and put the other half on the table for YOU to see....
but you haven't done anything! I have been honest, shown it all to you, and what do you do? you stand there, not saying you want to play, but not saying you DONT want to either.
WHAT THE FUCK?! DO SOMETHING! I may have said that you didn't have to respond to that email, but do you know what that means? it means
DO SOMETHING ELSE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE THINKING

FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP STARING AT MY CARDS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'm sick of sitting with you at lunch, and you looking at me the same as you did last year. I can't stand it. I'm not her anymore! i'm ME! i'm trying to be ME for you! but you don't give a shit! why the fuck don't you have feelings?!!?!?!?!

why?
look at her
she's everything he wants.
pure
a believer
no drugs
everything he wants that I'm not.
i feel stupid.

and ontop of this, i somehow feel happy???
tonight, i feel content with myself. I dont feel bad for smoking drugs, not even for kirsten. it's my choice, im not the same as I was. thats done. its gone. im happy with my choices.
so now im pissed off at them. him. her. you. everyone is pissing me off today, and i want to be left alone.

I wish you weren't a variable. I wish you were a constant for me. I wish I could trust you more. but I made the mistake again: I thought you were a constant, but you don't seem to want me as YOUR constant... so what should I do?
Wait and see?
Im sick of waiting and seeing.
I'm sick of life.
I'm sick of the world.
I'm really sick of this god damned game I've been playing. I'm sick of how my life has turned out. sure, there are awesome points, but you know what? tonight, I fucking hate it. I'm sick of knowing that I love someone more than anyone else, more than I will ever love anyone else, and yet never being more than his Pal. I'm sick of knowing that, and still trying to love Him, when he doesn't seem to want me.
Why does this happen to me? I tried everything, I tried nothing, but nothing works right now. I'm at another dead end, at the start of a new year.

and I don't believe it will change. I wish i could believe that those things CAN happen, but they don't... not to me. I never get that sort of love.
whoop-de-fucking-doo.
you need love too, right?
so what means I DONT? where did that become a rule? How can No one else love, especially me? I can't have feelings, nono, I have no problems, they all went away-
fuck, sure they did.

I hate everything today.

I even hate Josh

me fail english? thats unpossible!

I love how "back to school" is rare used as an actual sentence. it's all one work now. "it's backtoschool time! Go here for your backtoschool sale!" blablabla

and pre

i love the word pre

how do you pre-warm something up in the microwave????? aren't you just Warming it up? not Pre-warming, WARMING.... foolish people.

funny how Bum has become a verb too. "Can I bum a smoke?" thats funny. I understand where that came from, but still, Bum as a verb, no longer the small word for Ass, or Buttocks. heh, its funny how things get so screwed around... and why?

well, I'm sure that at the time of PRE, it was a cool idea. Bum was a cool idea, come on, it IS original... and back to school? well, ok, what else would you call that sale, the Education sale? or something stupid? no, because backtoschool is just so fast and universal.

wellwelllwell, the time for school has come... indeed. but! i'm driving, since it's raining like crazy right now, and I have a guitar, and Gord offered, and what not.... so, yup, i'm driving.... in the rain... and blazing headlights from other people..

lovely

CIAO!

Hues

And then, there are those beautiful times when all you really need is someone to be there. And sure, there's lots of people that could be there, but it's still not right, is it? Because it's not THAT person, it's not the one person who really would make it all better.

I love these nights, in a bitter way. The sun is just going down on the other side of the store, a sight I'm FAR too used to, but it's the colour it's giving off, this thick orange light, a filter. it's on everything. the grass is brown from it, the tree's leaves are turqoise, and the sky that you can see just through the branches is a peach colour. it's a really soft light, but at the same time it's very hard, warm and cold, dark... but obviously light, since it is light. sure every sunset gives off "pretty" colours, but it doens't always soak in like this, it doesn't always give off this hue, and saturate everything the way it is right now. it's not common. and thats why I love it, especially in the mood I'm in. I'm depressed, horribly horribly depressed, but for moments at a time i feel euphoric, because of this sight outside of my window. a sight that will only last another five or ten minutes, and then it's gone.
thats how my life is. I know when a moment is going to go away, I know it might be the last time in a while that I'm going to feel a certain way. so, while that could be depressing, its not. not THAT, at least. that makes me happy that I'm living it now. i'm depressed for what comes after, I suppose... but then again, that's almost a paradox, isn't it? so is my life, once again.

right now? I'm happy. I'm happy I get to see him again at school, I'm happy I'm out of the house (even though I complain about it, i really am happy I'm not here as often as I was), I'm happy to be there, in the place where my life took form. so why am I sad? because I'm happy. I'm sad because I'm happy, happy because I'm sad. It's a thing I can't describe.
I saw him today, we hung out today, like nothing had changed, and it felt good. and at the same time, i wondered if it would last, if something was going to change tomorrow, next week, if this was all that was left. but I was still happy to see him, to hear his voice and talk to him and be his friend.

i wonder if he read that email or not?

the colour is almost gone outside now. actually, it is gone, but the mood from it is going to last the night. is that a good thing?
Call it a hole, i call it a place to rest. it may not be healthy, but it's familiar, and right now, in the early days of a new bus ride with nearly 40 other people while so many of my friends are far away, familiarity is what I need most.

I brushed my teeth about ten minutes ago, and all the while my body was asking me, "Why are we up this early? Why didn't we keep sleeping? We still had a while to sleep, didn't we? until lunch, right???????????whats going ON?????????"
and my response?
"Shhh, you'll wake up mom"

why AM I up this early. I don't feel like I'm going to school, I don't feel awake... but I guess I never really fell asleep either... well, I passed out at 1:30, or around there, and woke up at 5:30 by accident... then my alarm finally went off... now I'm here, waiting for it to say 6:30, so I can go, wait for my bus and time the exact moment it DOES pick me up.. assuming it doesn't arrive before I get to my stop, a 7 minute walke from here.

my eyes are sticky. not open, not closed. it's suppose to rain, be windy, everything I don't really want it to be. no, it's not a happy day today. I'm not thinking. I'm a machine, already, going to a social institution to be socialized to the point of perfection... for society. hah.

yeah, fuck you society, I enjoy sleeping in until lunch, staying up until 2, I enjoy that stuff. why? because You think it's not right. and, because no ones home, and I'm not awake during those pointless morning hours.

well, all in all, I'm afraid to leave this house today. but guess what.....

Stupid friggen school

School starts tomorrow. that blows. I'm the only one of us going back to school, save for Emma... that suucks.
so, that makes today the last day of summer, and what am I going to do? Squat. nothing at all, but sit here for the day, typing, ripping cds, all that glorious shit. and it sucks. I would much rather sit with people I know and talk to them, listen more like, but they're all gone/busy/far out of the reach of my short-stirling arms. it friggen sucks.

So, i got the computer back yesterday. its definately faster. hurrah! i'm listening to my dearly missed beatles music, thinking of ways to get some music on here without killing the hard drive. gark. so hard.

Yesterday my brother turned 22. He's 22 and having a kid. god thats crazy! So, there were about eight people in this puny house made for three. it was a radical change. last week, this time, I was still asleep, the only one in the house.

I'm going to miss this summer. I'm not going to be serious going back to school. I'm going to think summer all the time, but try to get shit done too. this summer has not been productive, in making paintings, playing guitar (though i've been playing more lately), writing, etc etc, but it's been more of an observative summer. I've gone places with people I haven't gone places with before, I've met people, I've done things I haven't done before, met experiences with a hand shake, all that shit, and it was great. I learned from it. Now, if I can hold onto learning while I get into producing when I have to, I might stay alive this year for school.
to think, tomorrow i have to get up at 6.

god, i'm going to miss you. You've been kind to me this year, for once. You've never been like this for me. Sure, you gave me some really shitty times, but the good times you gave were out of this world, amazing, never to be forgotten. so, summer, thanks for not being a prick to me for once. For once, I wasn't alone all the time, with one friend, I was with people, lots of them... and i DID like it. thanks, man, you rock...


on a personal note, lol...

haven't gotten an email yet. though, i haven't checked my email this morning, I doubt something will be there.... sigh. so, thats sitting on my shoulders heavily right now. it's not a good thing, by the way. anyway....yeah. Emily didn't wake up happy today, and thats going to be a trend this first bit of the school year. it was last year, why NOT this year, when everyone really IS gone?

last night was good though. When I got bored, I called up Gustor and had a good combo with him. hah, combo. stupid. anyway, yeah! That was a fun two hour talk. good weekend, I suppose.... oivay.

well, thats all for now. at the moment I'm feeling pretty shitty. I could use a friend right now, but they're all gone, or busy. not a bad thing for them, dont get like that, i just... could really use a friend right now.

anyway, STUPID FUCKING SCHOOL.

damnit