confusion in the box

Just a song
to make you fly backwards into a wall...

There are so many things about Art, and Music, that are left purely up to logic. A song, composed by notes in a scale, that only sound good in certain orders, Keys, with certain key Changes. They're just notes, just sound waves that vibrate in your ear, making you hear them.
and for some reason they fuck up everything else in you.

I'm listening to Saeglopur, Sigur Ros, and remembering seeing it live with Angus, and how great it was, how all of my innards were being tossed, mixed, swirled into the mess that became me. I was always like that, but it was brought out that night, in that moment, listening to this song, to the whole set. It was phenomonal, it was beyond me and my experience and ability in comprehension.
and listening to the record again, It's wholly different, because it's a record, not live. But still, I'm remembering that feeling. I'm being blown back to being 17, last summer, awkward little me...

can I improve?
Of course, I am, I know I can. I'm better. I can be better still.

I'm waiting for radiohead to start touring, and then we're going to go through a whole new mess...

Why are things so confusing, when in reality, they're so simple?
Why do our minds always make things weird.

I just don't understand.
I wish I could see into the future, to have some kind of hope put back into me, to have something pat me on the back and reassure me in some way.

Why won't anyway help anymore? Why does no one pay attention to me?
When will someone understand, and do the right thing at the right time? When will someone do something, one simple gesture, that speaks a thousand words, and have both of us know it?
Will he ever connect to me?

Too Young

A couple more realizations came to me recently, one tonight, another a few days ago.
The one to come to me tonight had to do with my feelings about certain people who come into my store.
I realized that I don't like people who only know me through gord or my mom, and use that as an excuse to talk to me.
it's... aggravating, for some reason.
so that gave me some hope in terms of Oakville, and finding a Job I will like more. Quite simply, being out of Stirling will be enough to make me happy. I suppose..

The other was more of a conclusion to the typical period we all go through, and yes, we all go through it, even if it's just for a minute, or just a foolish thought we quickly brush off:
Sexual Preferences and Confusion!
No, I've never been confused about it. I'm straight. simple as that, this blog is not about me thinking I'm gay. I'm not.
To be honest, I almost never feel those feelings. they're rare, and even then, I have to force myself to actually FEEL them, as opposed to thinking it. which is also hard. in my life.
But that doesn't mean I don't recognize attractive people. Come on. I work in a convenient store, the busiest one in town. I see a lot of people.
And I'm not afraid to say if a man or woman is good looking, and WHY.
But this is basically what I realized...
I'm not gay. But I do think that, in most cases, a womans body is just prettier to look at. not for me, not in a sexual way, but from the point of view of an artist, like myself, It's true: Women just have more curves to play with on paper, more options when it comes to shadows.
in most cases.

i bring this up... for no particular reason.

You know, I was just going through several scenarios in my head, memories, and realized just WHY I think that way, and it really is for basic reasons. I'm not attracted to women (sorry, I like penis' too much. besides, I'm Celibate!!!!), they're just more fun to draw.

HA!

silly blog. Why do I make thee?

Can you name 13 people you can think of right off the top of your head? Anyone you're thinking of, in no order. Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 13 people. Absolutely NO cheating and switching positions on the list, either! READY, START!

1. Patrick
2. Halesha
3. Min
4. Adrienne
5. Ki
6. Calista
7. Aric
8. Scott
9. Angus
10. Tyler
11. Tom
12. Jesse
13. Emma

THE QUESTIONS:

1. How did you meet 13: School.

2. What would you do if you NEVER met 6: Well, I wouldn't be moving out of town, thats for sure. I wouldn't have been quite as good of friends with many of those people... but I would have met her eventually anyway

3. What would you do if 2 and 9 dated: Freak out.

4. Did you ever like 8: he's my buddy! thats it

5. Would 1 and 5 be a good couple: NOOOOOOOOOOO

6. Is number 11 gay/lesbian: wow. well... he WAS

7. Would you tell secrets to 4: sure

8. What is your first memory of 3: being afraid of him

9. Do you know any of 1's family members: yeah. they're mine!

10. What's 10's favorite color?: uhh.... green?

11. What would you do if 9 confessed he/she liked you: Be very very fucked up

12. What language does 3 speak: English/Korean

13. Who is 9 going out with: No one. whats with 9?

14. What grade is 12 in: No grade. My friends are out of school.... except emma and age

15. When did you last see 7: last night

16. What is 5's favorite band: Don't know. He's not much of a music person

17. Would you ever date 3: Lets see... if he were younger and NOT married, and not my BOSS, sure. hey man, he's a cool cat.

18. Is 2 hot: hotter than me. LOL

19. Is 12 single: last I checked, yes.

20. Would you ever want to be in a serious relationship with 1: In a way, we are, because we are brother and sister, you know. but uh... not the other kind of relationship. no.

21. Where does 8 go to school: He doesn't.

22. What's 4's best physical feature: the fact that shes a girl? i dunno

23. Are number 7 & 8 best friends?: pretty much

24. Is 8 a girl or boy: Boy

25. Who is 5 in love with: no one, I think.

26. What is your last memory of 7: uhh, him being stoned last night.

27. Have you ever hooked up with 4: no way

28. What is the funniest memory of 8: his existence? lol

29. What is your relationship with 6: Best friends

30. How old is 13: 17, going on 18

31. How close are you with 1: VERY close.

33. What is your favorite memory with 3: baking a pot cake in my parents kitchen after work

34. Who's 11's best friend: dont know

35. What's your favorite thing about 2: she's a whacko

36. Is 6 a virgin: definately not

37. What is 8's favorite color: don't know. pirate?

38. Have you ever been so mad at 4 that you just wanted to shoot them: oh yeah. LOL

And I just figured it out.

So there is an issue with being Celibate, and still in love, and that is the Lack of an Outlet. Physically.
So, maybe all this pent up emotion is starting to find it's own way of getting out.
and I've been so busy with just trying to deal with it, that I forgot about the OUTLET part of it all...
and now I'm picking up on it again. I've been thinking in poems, i've been writing some of them DOWN, and now I'm trying to use it all for music again, I'm moving around more...
I'm doing something... or, getting started on it.

all because I've just got too much love.
What a laugh.
too bad it might be true.

I mean, how many people do I love? Have I loved? still love now. miss.
it gets pent up.

oh, to be alone. by choice.
Sometimes it's hard.

wow. thats funny. I went to post, on 4/20, and oh, look, 420 posts so far.
wow.
anyway, on to pressing matters... not really.

A month or two ago, I was hit with the desire to paint again. and now I'm out of ideas for paintings. but suddenly, I'm wanting to buy strings for my guitar, and play again. I'm wanting to learn songs, write songs, just... to do it.. again. to be that hippy girl again.

It's a neat feeling

Farewell star

And even after these great days,
after seeing a waning moon sitting on my hill,
golden in its being,
I'm left alone.
And after these fond memories
flow past my minds eye,
voices from the past laughing,
I'm left forgotten.
And when they move on with their lives,
Loving eachother without a worry or pause,
I'm left wondering,
when will it be me?
And it's awkward,
being the odd man out in the common grounds,
even when welcome with open arms,
I feel lost.

So I sit and wonder,
will I ever matter?
Will anyone spend their days wishing
I was there,
would they care?

I sit and think
of the people I loved in my years,
and how I'm now just another stone
stepped on
to get to another stone.

And like a good rock,
I move not.
not to save myself from the next foot.
Not to roll away.

And like a convenient step,
I'm ever present and unavoidable.
and in the end
forgotten.
regretted.

So I sit tonight and wonder,
is anything really worthy?
When I see his face again,
Will I be able to smile?

fuuuck
whats the deal with making everything so fucking hard for me?
You KNOW I have issues with that, and you KNOW that what I'm doing is good for me, so WHY are you trying to take it away from me? Why are you putting more barriers in front of me? are you testing me? Seeing if I'll give up?
FUCK YOU

god damnit.

I hate easter.

tonight felt good.

the Original Plans fell out, the secondary plans fell out.. but i had such a good night.
I really felt like myself, around the people who I feel best around. most of them, at least.

it doesn't get better than tonight.

I'm also starting to notice that I'm starting to.. well... be human. sometimes. and by human, I mean being physically attracted to someone. you know... phsyically...
heh.
It's weird. It's stupid, because I've sort of abandoned that part of my life, and yet... well, in some ways I'm prepared for it. I'm on Birth Control, though, not for birth control. more for regulating bodily functions and easing the pain of such functions.
I'm trying to work out, lose some weight, Look good... but only to feel good. and if I can achieve that, it will be a first in.. well... years?
but tonight, wow... a lot happened. Just, a lot of connections that were Out there, Plain and Clear, and Welcome. and it felt good to feel welcomed, to have his mother tell me she felt comfortable with me and that she liked me, and proceeding to talk to me up until she fell asleep. to be sitting in a room and have everyone acknowledge me, Poke me (and not just aric), to.. be my friends.

I've always had at least one good friend.. but I've never been surrounded by so many at once. and it felt to great. You can't possibly understand. Dare i compare it to someone who's been gone far and away, risking their life, coming home to family? It's just like that.
They really were my family on a holiday that only reminds me of the lack of a family I have. sometimes.

it's bitter, but thats how I feel. I feel like no one makes an effort for me. My grand mother and Aunt, the two distant family members I wish I could see more often, and they just can't come out of hiding for their own flesh and blood. It's hurtful.
and the fact that no one in my immediate family is bothering.. well, they're tired. so am I... but I still miss them.

but it was nice to go out, get away from work, and seemingly come home.

I cannot continue trying to explain this anymore. I only wish I could hug someone right now, just give them a bear hug, cuddle or something. fuck. I'm just.. full of this... love? tonight.
what do I do with it all?

static talk

Am I understandable?
Are the words I Type so distinct?
Are the words I dare utter in your presence that audible,
even in the midst of chaotic chatter?
Do I actually have matter to my being?

Even trying to find the words
I'm wiped clean -no-
bare.
I am turned into a vast emptiness,
filled only by your presumptions,
however daring and niave,
bitterly true.

I find the desire
to touch you,
to feel what it must be like,
to walk in your skin,
and feel Alone.

And am I looking in a mirror?
Do I suffer this illness? This blessing?
This thing that makes me stand out?
This thing that makes you
untouchably, beggingly beautiful?

And I'm wiped bare again.
The vast array of darkness standing,
waiting,
for a star to show.

I don't know what possess' me,
to think they will shoot.
I don't know who bears me,
to stand my falling.
I can only wonder
if it will ever matter,
that my life went on
only noticed
by my
'distinct'
words.
for the
briefest
moment

on
a
page.

Where did I stand,
just now, in a sudden flash of light,
a tsunami of thought?
Where did I float from?
Did you bring me here,
or some other being?
Some thing that you've concocted,
something so real, I can feel it.

and I'm wiped bare,
before I can understand myself.
But it seems you already knew that.
You know me.
But I am alone.
and you
are alone.
In our company, the best there can be,
we are in other worlds.

How do I explain it.
I feel like I can see you whenever I please, and everything will fall into place.
But it doesn't.
and yet, somehow... it does?

Wish I was

(in limbo)

It's not a good thing to wake up planning your future. You might think it is, but... Nope. wrong.
For some reason, I've chosen my Default Path as a writer. I've decided I will write something, a book maybe, that will be really good.
Ha!
I suppose that means nothing..? Lots of people plan on writing things, and never do. they get caught up doing better things. I don't... have better things to do yet. they might come along.
Until I figure out what exactly I'm going to write, I suppose I will be stuck in this series of "she must be a failed moron" jobs. Apparently that who you have to be to work at convenient store: Someone who just wasn't good enough for the better jobs. Uneducated (= Stupid).

oh, what to do with myself on empty days.

Subterranean

The Same Realizations hit me everyday, all in small doses, and from those doses, I chose subconsciously which one to pick away at.
Last night, it was the fact that no matter how far women have come in society, we're still the ones who people bitch at.
At work. No one will bitch at The owners. Or Jeff (when he was around). it was Me. Adrienne. Lisa. Sometimes Julie. because, somewhere in their minds, and I mean both men AND women, it's ok to bitch at the "girls".
response=
Fuck you.

Tonight, another realization has come to me, full blown... maybe for the first time. It's still hitting me, proving that there is so much more to come up behind me and smack me up the side of the head:
That he will never love me.
There's no "and" or "but" about it. He will never love me.
My world sinks into a smaller and smaller abys.
My Individuality, and "special" aspects are futile.
My envisionment of the world, Ideals, "delusions" if you may-
nothing.
My attempts at solidifying something so fragile that it may not even Exist-
worthless. Gone un-noticed by he whom I try to connect with every night. Every day of my life, with or without him.

He will never love me.

Whatever Mystery there is to this, I can say now is solved. I will never have any resolution in me. I will never feel rest, or Love. I will forever be forgotten, eventually. Trodden on by those who praise the wrong things, even the right things. Ignored, Taken out of Context, Discarded, Misunderstood, Written off..

He will. never. love. me.

And always I will love him. more than I want to. more than I care to.

And this realization hits me in waves.
more like multiple tsunami's tonight.

I'm always going to have the image in my head, Deep set looks, behind who knows what besides hair...

I'll never move on.

-ick

I go through the same thing
over
and over
again.

I write about it
over
and over
again.

And I apologize for it... often enough.

Today, I got my G license. I am done that part now. Good day.
But... as of a few hours ago, things went downhill. Nothing bad happened... I just lost something. Some part of me said "Alright, this week has been too good to you. be... DEPRESSED!" and I was.
Because I do that.
I'm supposed to Photograph a Friend's Band for him at some point. Am I photographer now? I don't know.
I sold a painting a while ago. Am I a Painter? I don't know.
I don't know how I create things.
I make paintings with the idea in my mind to create a certain picture. A picture of what I see, how I see the real world, and what I see when I dream, crossed with... what I feel, and what that emotion LOOKS like...?
I don't know. but all the paintings I've made in the past were mistakes. There is ONE painting I like. It's in my room, like the rest of them. But... they're all mistakes. Everything I paint, Write, Everything... pure mistake. It's nothing. it's not what I wanted. I want something better, something... powerful?
But I'm not a writer.
As you can see.
I can't write. Not what I want to write.
Maybe I just need to put music to it or something...?

Such a losing night.

Gatekeeper

Everytime..

tease myself
with images
you and me
apart-
inseperable-
But I remind
disconnection.

dream up
invitations
impolitely
crudely prepared
hardly have
to give you
you hardly
take them in
or me

And yet
They've been done
intended
Not an eye set
upon them
forgotten tombs
gift to the dead

Seeing you
seeing me
terrifying
endeavorment

split caption
memory speck-
mote-
but an eternity.

I'm haunted....

So I've gotten back to using this Myspace thing. And.. I shouldn't... Because it's really stupid.
I dont know.
It reminds me of the strange and sometimes annoying behaviour SOME people have. some. *some*.
Such as (and this also happens in my Livejournal)-
Someone from grade nine deciding to leave a comment on, lets say, a very personal and emotional entry, and that comment being something along the lines of-
"HIII! Long time no talk! I MISS YOU! You rock! we should hang out! Remember when we did this? and we laughed?! blablabla!"
I know.. Good intentions. But don't leave those kinds of fucking messages as a comment on an entry, WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT ENTRY WHATSOEVER. I'm sorry, but it's annoying.
It's also annoying when someone, who you REALLY don't mind, decides to talk about things you did as a Ninth grader. It's
A) Embarassing, and
B) Ever so slightly immature.

Compared so some people my age, I have changed A LOT. I don't like Frodo anymore, I don't like Elijah Wood (as an actor, he's shit), I HATE LORD OF THE RINGS (the movies). I USED to love them with a disgusting passion, but I moved on, thank god, and gained better taste. Sorry, but I moved on. I MOVED ON. LET ME MOVE ON. DON'T PUT ME BACK IN THAT SPOT.
I'm sorry... but don't reminisce with me about those days. I was a fucking loser. I still am, but I've found more of a place since then, and while some people don't mind it, I don't like being reminded of How I was Prior to grade 11.
So, Sorry, but... grow up. some of you.
some of you, this isn't directed to at all...

but seriously...

If you want to say things like "Hey! Long time no talk! Sorry we haven't hung out in a while, blabla", EMAIL ME. CALL ME. MESSAGE ME. DO NOT leave public messages.

If this is Normal, To leave these sorts of things out for everyone to see.... well sorry, but I'm a little more private than that.
I don't like showing off my friends. especially not on fucking Myspace, which seems to be overun with these very people, all managing to be under a certain age.
Ok.... yes, some of you ARE that popular... but those of you with 178 friends or whatever, who leave you billions of "comments" a day... sorry, but you're retarded.
If you really are as smart as your blogs make you out to be, tell your "friends" to fuck off or CALL you, or EMAIL you. not leave those messages everywhere. Or ... go to a god damned chatroom.

sorry if I sound pissy.... but... friggen. the world is stupid, starting NOW

actually.... a long time ago. ha.



Tomorrow: Drive with Gord. fuck. that will be hell. the only thing keeping me from COMPLETELY freaking out is thinking "I'm simply learning skills, skills anyone can learn, with great ease, and only in the course of an hour. I've put up with worse longer, I can deal with this one-time (hopefully) Test".

G-test wednesday, 10:55. stupid time, but whatever. not looking forward to it.
I'm tired and pissed.
and lonely.
thats why I'm so mad, because I'm lonely.

it has nothing to do with getting laid.
Believe it or not, some of us can deal with that perfectly. fine. call us inhuman, we still manage to live without Fucking.

guh.

I hate the world.