Here and then, There and now

We all know the story about the person who goes to Post-Secondary school... and half way through realizes it was a mistake, or just plain hates it, and drops out.
We all know the story about the person who realizes, after finishing a degree in something, or building a career, or even earlier, that they should have studied something else, or just done something else with their life...

I don't want to be either of these people. I like to think that waiting for a couple years before going to school gave me this magical gift of time to brood over things. I like to think that time gave me enough time to make the right decision.

The last while... I've lost that faith.
I've bailed on a lot of things in my life. I've run away from the scary parts of it. And I don't want to run anymore, I want to stand up and deal with it the tough way.
But which is the way to run or stand? Do I run away from school, and stand against the pressure of my parents wish to have at least ONE kid that isn't a fuck up? Or do I run away from what I want to do most, and put up the stand through to the end of school? Which is stronger? In which of these am I a coward?

Would it matter if I could answer that?

The last couple months, I've felt like a fish on a hook; being dragged through the water, knowing that at some point I'm about to be ripped out of the place I've lived in for so long... and yet it never happens.

I enjoy school... but I don't think I'm right for it sometimes.

But whenever I think of talking to my mom or dad about it, I hear a sigh of disappointment from them, and Gord laughing at my changing my feeble mind yet again...

I hate pride, and the need for it.

This day in music history...

There are some songs that end up streaming out of my speakers, quite of their own accord (usually when I leave my library on random).

It can happen quite a bit. 11,600 songs, it's bound to happen, but a couple that stand out the most are songs that don't play all that often, but have a clear place in my memory as some of my earliest recollections...

1. Neil Young's "Harvest Moon". This one doesn't have a specific memory, just a feeling that I know is ancient, compared to all of my other emotions. It's always been there, and it's always been a warm feeling of home, probably going to or from a farm with dad, or maybe to one of Mom's friends... who knows. But it's there, solidified.

2. Dire Straits "Walk of Life" and "So Far Away". These two are from the same album, so chances are Dad owns it (duh) because the memory is at his house. I remember the couch was folded out and I was playing on one side, by myself as usual, in my new rubber boots. I remember kicking them along with the song while sitting on the floor. Another warm, fuzzy feeling in there, very clean, crisp. I was still a kid, and oh how little I cared!

3. Nirvana's "MTV Unplugged in New York" album. The whole thing was heard through the wall between mine and my brothers room. Ah yes, we have entered the nineties, and boy are they sullen. My brother had a Kurt Cobain poster on the back of his door when we moved into the house across from the Pro, but I heard this album before then, when we lived in what I am sure was a duplex. I remember first moving into that house, our bedrooms were upstairs and mom was worried about the banister on the stairs for whenever grandma would visit. I can't remember if she did, but I remember sneaking into my brothers room at night while he played this album, just a shitty orange lamp in one corner of the room, a bunch of pictures posted on the slanted ceiling (we were right against the roof), and his guitar not far away. Nirvana lasted a long time, and a lot of my brothers music ended up influencing me in some way... especially since I always complained about it being too loud to sleep. I was a little shit.

4. Genesis' "We can't dance". Mom played this cassette ALL THE TIME in her old Tempo. Mom had a black Tempo, one that my brother eventually bought (when she got the new Escort) and totalled after nodding off at the wheel. Way to go, bro. I remember driving to the garden store with Mom and Genesis and the Invisible Touch.

5. Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". This predates Nirvana, as we were living in the country at this point with a man named Glen, and my brother and I didn't have our rooms right beside one another. It was my favourite house to live, we had our own neck of the woods to roam around in, a little pond to fish in, and a HAMOK. it was also common to hear Blue Rodeo, mom had an album of theirs, and this song always stood out for me.

Whenever I tell people how much music I have, I get a blank stare of disbelief and always, "WHY?"

I like looking for these songs. I like stumbling onto things, Diving into it completely... I like to surround myself with sound. Not always, I do enjoy silence sometimes, but the rest of the time, Music is one. Just like Penny Lane from Almost Famous says, whenever you feel lonely, just go down to the record store and visit your friends.