and you and I

A man conceived a moment’s answers to the dream,
Staying the flowers daily, sensing all the themes.
As a foundation left to create the spiral aim,
A movement regained and regarded both the same,
All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.

Changed only for a sight of sound, the space agreed.
Between the picture of time behind the face of need,
Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid,
Emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.
Oh.

Turn round tailor, coins and
Assaulting all the mornings of the crosses
Interest shown, never know
Presenting one another to the cord, their fruitless worth;
All left dying, rediscovered cords are broken,
Of the door that turned round, locked inside
To close the cover, the mother earth.
All the interest shown, they won’t
To turn one another, to the sign hide, hold, they won’t
At the time tell you, watching the world,
To float your climb. watching all of the world,
Watching us go by.

And you and I climb over the sea to the valley,
And you and I reached out for reasons to call.


Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid,
Emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
As a movement regained and regarded both the same,
All complete in the side of seeds of life with you.


Sad preacher nailed upon the coloured door of time;
Insane teacher be there reminded of the rhyme.
There’ll be no mutant enemy we shall certify;
Political ends, as sad remains, will die.
Reach out as forward tastes begin to enter you.
Ooh, ooh.

I listened hard but could not see
Life tempo change out and inside me.
The preacher trained in all to lose his name;
The teacher travels, asking to be shown the same.
In the end, we’ll agree, we’ll accept, we’ll immortalise
That the truth of the man maturing in his eyes,
All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.

Coming quickly to terms of all expression laid,
As a moment regained and regarded both the same,
Emotion revealed as the ocean maid,
A clearer future, morning, evening, nights with you.



And you and I climb, crossing the shapes of the morning.
And you and I reach over the sun for the river.
And you and I climb, clearer, towards the movement.
And you and I called over valleys of endless seas.





i am sick.
of course.
just in time for Music fest! woot! FUCK. I hate the sound of my voice. now and yesterday. at jazz, FB plugged me in, and i sounded so horrible! I hate the sound of my voice! why the fuck am i singing? I should never sing! not into a fucking MIC like THAT. fuck. i hate my voice.
and im sick
beautiful.

saturday everyone who is back from UNI for the week is going to Angus' for a party-ish thing. im going after work, hopefully. so, i dont know who will be left, but yeah, i'm looking forward to that.

im tired. stayed home from school today. watched Ferris Bueller's day off, and the virgin suicides. good movies. yup.

so...

waiting for glasses....

doop....

so, that essay I wasn't going to do?
i have to do it.
so i'll do it. with great difficulty. i'm supposed to be doing it now... but... as you can see...

remember that problem last semester? with focus? and understanding the POINT of this?
yeah... it never left, i guess. I came close to just sitting in a corner on my own today. for some reason, today was bad. test second period that i had forgotten about... ummm... fuck. I didn't even think of it. and its not good. i BSed my way through it, and... fuck. i can't do anything. i couldn't remember a thing. i had forgotten everything. thoughts were coming to my head, but they had nothing to do with the test. i tried to remember. but i gave up eventually, wrote down my name, and handed it in.
then a macbeth test. but... that was better. we got to have the script with us. that helps, believe me.

i'm very tired. i would go to bed right now, if i didn't have this essay. not a good day. just not a good day... alas....

emily is not happy tonight.

Left-overs from tomorrow

I'm supposed to be doing an essay...
but i have the suspicion it won't happen.
A) I don't believe in homework
B) i'm not wasting time on something as stupid as this subject. sorry. i would rather you give me something I can put my fucking opinion into.
C) I am far too distracted with life.

this semester... fuck. English does not fit in. but i'll have to weather it through while i read this book called Portrait of the Artist. remember that, anyone? I'm looking forward to it. I'll take the whole English class thing as an opportunity to get back into reading and taking stuff IN again...
while i wreck myself trying to turn OUT stuff.
Photography will get me. Drama will kill me. Band will haunt me. and my Other band (which has been renamed about five times and right NOW is called the Subtle Guppies) will exhaust me all over again.
and...
I am in a relationship.
so,
as you can see,
i'm a bit distracted by this, and family, and work... i must learn to juggle this better, but i don't want to. i want to enjoy the current moment, and not stress about ones to come. it's not fair.

sigh

well
this year was a first for me. the first time I was seeing someone in time for Valentines day. The first time someone gave me roses, chocolate, AND a candle, and then took me out of the house for the night. the first time I got to be romantic with someone...
ever.
I was never romantic with someone. i was always too awkward, too much of an amateur, too scared to do anything. but monday night, i was not. I spent monday night as myself, being myself, just, being, with him. and it felt amazing. and i love it.
yes, a first for me, dear old emily.
isn't that cute? heh.

i used to hate v-day. still do, really, but what can I say? it felt good to be able to do that. i know it's not fair to singles, hello, i've been a single my entire dating life... not... that... i ever... had... a ....dating life.... you know?
you get it. I have been there folks, and i will be there again, too, i'm sure. but meanwhile, i'm going to enjoy this and savour the moment. i know better than not to.

how is it i manage to attract these strange little things? how do I manage to jump ten years (or should i say 12 years and ten months) ahead of myself into this emotional state too old for me? how do i manage to catch these little things, thinking they're tiny little details that will never show up years from now, and it turns out they're only the size of fucking africa...
get it?
i'm in a mess again. and i'm loving it this time.

look at me! I'm a fucking IDIOT! and I am very happy being the liar I am right now, no matter who I'm lying to. I'm enjoying it, and will think twice later...


I'M HORRIBLE! WOW!

I stole this from Tom who stole it from Tara

HAVE YOU EVER...

1.Been so drunk you blacked out?
NOPE, :D

2.Been hurt emotionally?
of course, who hasn't?

3.Kept a secret from everyone?
heh...yeh

4.Had an imaginary friend?
No, but my brother did, and he would sit behind the chair and talk to him. i forget the guys name though... alas

5.Had a crush on a teacher?
uh, NO

6.Had a New Kids on the Block tape?
no, i still don't really know who that is either...

7.Cut your own hair?
oh yeah! go me and my bangs! yeah!

8.Dyed your hair?
yes, several times recently, but... it isn't working well.

FAVOURITES...

9.Summer/Winter?
well, i'm starting to like summer more... but winter is pretty... but summer has more freedom, so, SUMMER!

10.Fav Food?
scalloped potatoes... and chinese

11.Fav movie?
tie between almost famous, the virgin suicides, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

RIGHT NOW YOU'RE...

12.Wearing?
jeans, and my peace out shirt.

13.Hair is?
long and curly and full of dead ends/dry ends/split ends. and my split ends have their own split ends. i need to cut it. it has about three colours in it.

14.Drinking?
tooth pasty water

15.Thinking about?
the jam i'm about to go to, and if anyone actually learned anything. i know i didn't... eep

16.And Listening to?
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, Sweet judy blue eyes.

17.Talking to?
no one. i am alone...

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU...

19. Cried?
Nope

20.Worn a skirt?
YES! NO! YES! NO! NO! YES! NO!

21.Met someone new?
I meet tons of people at my store, most are not new... but if you mean met as in Got to Know them? no.. no one.

22.Cleaned your room?
nooooo

23.Done Laundry?
nooooo

24.Drove a car?
nooooo (alas, but my car has a new bumper on it now!)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...

25.Yourself?
man, i'm so unreliable, i've learned to never trust myself. ever. EVER.

26.Friends?
certain ones.

27.Tooth Fairy?
HA!

28.Destiny/Fate?
the only fate i believe in is the magnetic pull between two soul mates to find one another. and thats not much of a fate, is it? to always be searching... it's everyones fate, i suppose, beside those sociopaths

29.Angels?
no

30.Ghosts?
semi

31.UFO'S?
semi

FRIENDS AND LIFE...

32.Do you fancy someone?
yes

33.Who's the loudest person you know?
emma...hehehe....

34.Who's the weirdest person you know?
the Angus/Scott residents

35.Who do you go to for advice?
Advice?... ummm, no one really. to simply talk to, emma.

36. Who is the funniest person you know?
oh shit, everyone is so funny in their own way. but Scott Giroux is up there (I LOVE HIM!) and Vanessa and Adrienne behind him, and I guess the Angus/Scott residents are tied for third with G. heh.


theres my boredom. cheers

"How long before..."

This is the only problem.

everyone else.

thats horrible.

i know.

but this is the deal:
I know what I'm in. Don't think I'm naive in this, because I know what I'm doing. I know how "Wrong" it is, and how EVERYONE else thinks its just wierd, even for me.

the first "date" was only wierd because of how fast it seemed to go, how fast those events took place. But when you go two years without a kiss, and suddenly this still pretty strange guy kisses you, you are in shock. so your thoughts are fucked up.
so i gave it time.
and time has proven wise, for me.
I like him.
I mean,
I really like him.
He's so sweet to me, and that sounds childish to say, but he is. I have never felt so safe with another guy, besides my guy friends... but that took a while. It's peculiar how a (thus far) week long "relationship" has gained this much trust already. I've learned a lot about him, he's learned about me, and we've been having good times together. We're both still nervous when we see one another (I got butterflies waiting for him today), and we both know what we're in.
he admitted it to me how scared this made him at first. when he thought about it, he was freak out, just like me.
but I'm more than willing to do this.
I really like him. Something about him, despite my not knowing him for very long, seems to click with me. something seems to make me feel safe with him, despite all logic saying I shouldn't.
since when did logic help me, though? sure, in fights against gord it does, but not with this. there's no LOGIC when it comes to this sort of thing, being the attraction between two people. why does it have to Make Sense? there is no sense in that stuff! there isn't any!
the first night i met him, being months ago at the store (when i first typed about him, likely), when he shook my hand, I knew he wanted to ask me out. i knew he wanted to see me again. I knew he liked me, just to put it simple.
and what do you know...
i know people (a few, at least) in the fairly recent past, have liked me. I never got excited about it. But i did get excited over Joel. don't know why.
i cannot explain what I feel about him.

I had decided that this WAS wierd, but I didn't want to make a rash decision. so i slept on it. er, i slept while it was there, at least.
everytime i'm with him, i forget his age. I forget that he's gotten pretty far ahead of me in life.
and don't get the wrong idea about my feelings when I say this, because it's just for arguments sake, but you do you remember the Soul Mate thing? how they don't die at the same time, and one gets ahead of the other?
there's no way I'm saying Joel is my fucking Soul Mate. thats just retarded of me. i'mnot stupid that way. but it's for arguments sake. maybe we're soul buddies or something, soul something...
it has that sort of level to it.
what am I talking about?

I'm in a relationship. I like it. a lot. I like talking to him, because we can talk easily. and the silences we have aren't awkward, they're comfortable. when we're together, I don't worry about my stance, i don't worry about what gibberish falls out of my mouth from my head. i don't worry. about that stuff.

quite simply, i like this.

I just wish other people could. I mean, sure, they're Happy for me... but they're wierded out. they don't think it is good. they think it's immature of me, or stupid of him, or just plain WRONG.
wheres the logic in that?
heh.
but seriously, how is that being happy for me? this is where paranoia comes in and starts to fill my mind. I don't like talking about him in person because i'm afraid that people won't take me seriously.
I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING, AND I AM PROUD. why wouldn't I be? I like him a lot. I know myself very well now, more than I ever have, I know my limits, my strengths, i know what to say when i need to say it. i know when to stop. and I don't need to stop this because it is not stupid, it's not a danger to me. this is pure emotion, people, get with it.
sheesh.

i sound stupid.
but i really like him.
man,
i really like this guy.

i am very happy that I like him too. i don't care about age. i like him a lot.
so
yeah...

there you go.

thats what going on with emily.

don't tell.

You Belong in 1967

1967 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

The Hurricane

Pistol shots ring out in the barroom night
Enter patty valentine from the upper hall.
She sees the bartender in a pool of blood,
Cries out, my god, they killed them all!
Here comes the story of the hurricane,
The man the authorities came to blame
For somethin’ that he never done.
Put in a prison cell, but one time he could-a been
The champion of the world.

Three bodies lyin’ there does patty see
And another man named bello, movin’ around mysteriously.
I didn’t do it, he says, and he throws up his hands
I was only robbin’ the register, I hope you understand.
I saw them leavin’, he says, and he stops
One of us had better call up the cops.
And so patty calls the cops
And they arrive on the scene with their red lights flashin’
In the hot new jersey night.

Meanwhile, far away in another part of town
Rubin carter and a couple of friends are drivin’ around.
Number one contender for the middleweight crown
Had no idea what kinda shit was about to go down
When a cop pulled him over to the side of the road
Just like the time before and the time before that.
In paterson that’s just the way things go.
If you’re black you might as well not show up on the street
’less you wanna draw the heat.

Alfred bello had a partner and he had a rap for the cops.
Him and arthur dexter bradley were just out prowlin’ around
He said, I saw two men runnin’ out, they looked like middleweights
They jumped into a white car with out-of-state plates.
And miss patty valentine just nodded her head.
Cop said, wait a minute, boys, this one’s not dead
So they took him to the infirmary
And though this man could hardly see
They told him that he could identify the guilty men.

Four in the mornin’ and they haul rubin in,
Take him to the hospital and they bring him upstairs.
The wounded man looks up through his one dyin’ eye
Says, wha’d you bring him in here for? he ain’t the guy!
Yes, here’s the story of the hurricane,
The man the authorities came to blame
For somethin’ that he never done.
Put in a prison cell, but one time he could-a been
The champion of the world.

Four months later, the ghettos are in flame,
Rubin’s in south america, fightin’ for his name
While arthur dexter bradley’s still in the robbery game
And the cops are puttin’ the screws to him, lookin’ for somebody to blame.
Remember that murder that happened in a bar?
Remember you said you saw the getaway car?
You think you’d like to play ball with the law?
Think it might-a been that fighter that you saw runnin’ that night?
Don’t forget that you are white.

Arthur dexter bradley said, I’m really not sure.
Cops said, a poor boy like you could use a break
We got you for the motel job and we’re talkin’ to your friend bello
Now you don’t wanta have to go back to jail, be a nice fellow.
You’ll be doin’ society a favor.
That sonofabitch is brave and gettin’ braver.
We want to put his ass in stir
We want to pin this triple murder on him
He ain’t no gentleman jim.

Rubin could take a man out with just one punch
But he never did like to talk about it all that much.
It’s my work, he’d say, and I do it for pay
And when it’s over I’d just as soon go on my way
Up to some paradise
Where the trout streams flow and the air is nice
And ride a horse along a trail.
But then they took him to the jailhouse
Where they try to turn a man into a mouse.

All of rubin’s cards were marked in advance
The trial was a pig-circus, he never had a chance.
The judge made rubin’s witnesses drunkards from the slums
To the white folks who watched he was a revolutionary bum
And to the black folks he was just a crazy nigger.
No one doubted that he pulled the trigger.
And though they could not produce the gun,
The d.a. said he was the one who did the deed
And the all-white jury agreed.

Rubin carter was falsely tried.
The crime was murder one, guess who testified?
Bello and bradley and they both baldly lied
And the newspapers, they all went along for the ride.
How can the life of such a man
Be in the palm of some fool’s hand?
To see him obviously framed
Couldn’t help but make me feel ashamed to live in a land
Where justice is a game.

Now all the criminals in their coats and their ties
Are free to drink martinis and watch the sun rise
While rubin sits like buddha in a ten-foot cell
An innocent man in a living hell.
That’s the story of the hurricane,
But it won’t be over till they clear his name
And give him back the time he’s done.
Put in a prison cell, but one time he could-a been
The champion of the world.



I have to memorize that. All of that.
but, just think....
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING VIOLINIST! YEAH! GO MY BAND AND HAVING A VIOLINIST! WE WILL FUNK BAYSIDE TILL IT BLEEDS! YEAH!


ahem...


yup

The Third World

know what sucks?
I want to type about this, but at the same time... I really can't.
meh.
i dont care at this very moment.

It's a fucking Scandal, right? Scandal. Wah. Where did it come from? where? I can only say it came from this Third World of mine, one I've just found, and i'm getting used to. Maybe i shouldn't get used to it, maybe I should just leave it now... but it's kind of nice. it shouldn't be. it's wrong. it could be right. it's getting better. but thats just for us. no one else. just us. and that makes it hard. it's hard because I can't talk about this to family, and most people. i can't explain this. I have to watch my back.
and that makes it hard.
the rest of the time?
I like it. I like it a lot. I'm enjoying this time.
it's just hard, sometimes, taking myself out of my body and really looking at this, and seeing what other people would see. it doesn't look good. it's a Scandal.
but, man, I like it. what can I say? it's too early to really say anything about it. I'm going to give this some time to develop, if it does. if not, thats great. if it does, well... we'll see what happens, right?

we'll have to wait and see if this world works itself into my life well, like the other two.




ps:
I play Angus the Nobleman in Macbeth. i'm telling Angai tomorrow about it, since it's that funny.
ope

Heh

alright demos!

heh

so, this is funny, it's really funny, so hilarious infact that i'm terrified, heh! no, just no idea how to deal with it, it's that funny and strange.

WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!

WOH! man. right now, i'm listening to a demo by a guy who comes into the store, named Joel.. dont know his last name. yet. see, we exchanged phone numbers at work tonight, so I'm listening to him now, and it's actually pretty neat. he has a mixture of Bob Dylan, Neil Young, and... something else, voice wise. sort of ska-ish...
wait, this track is different. wow, big bob dylan track here, just really different guitar.
it's neat, really. he has a neat voice. the cd itself is iffy, being there are skips and things get thrown off, but it's neat.
man, now I want to actually let angus record me. but what could I play?????
someday, I will figure that out. maybe someday soon.
tomorrow i have to go into the school for a while, iguess afterwards, when i drop off some cds at his place, I'll shoot it by him, or something... maybe..
meh

but its funny, eh?!?!?!?!?! Joel, don't know his last name, but I have his phone number, and he's going to Call Me tomorrow. heh.
thats funny, really funny.
hilarious.
man, my tummy hurts.