it's like this.
he feels trapped in his own home. he can't walk around town anymore because he's paranoid someone... will say... something? something will happen? someone will talk? people will see things?
same here.
i'm afraid too, i guess.
alright, lets go to belleville..
kingston
picton
ottawa
and feeding this already rabid wildfire is that bitch i work with, Lisa, who thinks she owns the fucking place.
I didn't even get a chance to get a hold of this before things took off out of control.
Halesha found out from Tara and Lisa. they said he looked 25-26. now thats going around.
my dad and step mom found out from halesha, and they want details. details I will not give because i need privacy. and since I can't seem to get privacy ANYWHERE anymore, i'm taking it in home. parents will not get details. not that way. fuck no.
i'm tired of it. but I'm weathering through it, because i haven't had this before, not feelings like this. i've never felt so safe with someone i barely know. i don't understand it, and i like it that way. thats how my life works, i would rather it did.
but for some reason, this bitch gasoline woman feels the urge to control me, to alter my life so that it's to her liking, so that i'm a machine.
at work, she bitches at me constantly, but never rewards me for catching someone with late movies. she writes all over his slips, makes fun on this little cardboard box that has become a message board about me. i do not like stirling revolving around something this private. it's no ones fucking business, why can't they shut the hell up? i just want to be able to walk around my home town without worrying about someone seeing us kiss, or something seeing us holding hands. i don't want people coming into the store and talking to me about it, trying to squeeze details out of me. i dont want people laughing about how I've gone two years without someone and how it's so fucking cute that i have a boyfriend.
for fucks sake, why is that CUTE? sorry guys, friends are doing that, but i dont like it right now. at first it was funny (though annoying), now it's just annoying. I'm sick of people laughing at this. i'm sick of people trying to get more detail of it. I'm tired of fucking lisa being a bitch non stop to me, talking about me behind my back, talking about him.
he doesn't deserve this. I feel so horrible doing this to him. it's not fair to him in the least bit.
why can't i have a say in my own life now? why am I tip-toeing all the time? why do i have to weave around people to avoid conflict and awkward moments? every moment will be like this...
will it go away when i move?
i want it to. the city is too big for everything to be known about us. too big. bigger than this shit hole of a trap I'm in.
i feel trapped. he feels trapped. things have gone too far now though... so what? is this some attempt to end it? it feels like that right now, like this body called stirling is trying to either kill me or my relationship. i wont let it do either.
a guy who comes into my store is dating a girl younger than him, and he was always bitched at for it....still is.
the difference in age was 8 years.
i'm not staying here, and when i do visit, i'm staying out of sight. i dont want people asking how We are doing. I don't want to talk about that. i want to be normal, i want to be able to share details when I feel like it, not when its demanded with the excuse "I'm related, I should know!" or, "I know you, I should know!" or "I work with you, I can do whatever I fucking want to you! BOW DOWN, BITCH"
it feels hopeless
in a hole like this.
but its not a hole.
with him, it's not a hole, it's a mountain. but as soon as i get home at night, and i go to work, i'm trapped in this deep pit, and it's filling up with water.
oh, no, gas.
and lisa is holding the lit match, laughing hysterically at me.
why can't i be left alone
