And the sun said "I will not shine today"

Everynight, My life goes under review,
with a new judge every time.
Someone I've never seen before
in the papers or on TV.

Everynight, a new verdict announced:
"Try harder tomorrow"
"disgraceful"
"Beautiful"

I never know what to think
about myself
and this hell hole i'm trapped in.
I never know if it's going to change
because the world will change,
or I will wake up.
or maybe I never will.

But every night,
when I think about my accomplishments,
I realize I haven't done anything
for a long time.

I've been alive for over 6500 days.
how many of those days have I regretted?
or slept away?
or pitied?
How many of those thousands of days left to live
would I trade
for a little more meaning?
for a little more direction?
how many would I sacrafice
for the easy way out?
for the world to sort me out?

I'm never happy with anything. I've taught myself to never be happy with myself. Some people would call it Low Self Esteem, other's would call it some sort of disease, or disorder. Me? I call it common sense. I call it protecting myself, pushing myself. and for a while, it worked. but the last six months, I haven't produced a thing. not a song, not a decent poem, not a painting... nothing. I have done nothing. I have wasted precious time, because I know I don't have much. I can't.
No one has ever been happy with me. I've always been a trouble maker, or a little too ugly, or fat. I never talked right. I never dressed right. I never acted normal. I never shut up and let them kill me, turn me over to their side. I left them all. I didn't leave that world behind thinking I was better than those fakes, those people with good looks, thin people with good grades and lots of friends. I didn't leave that behind because I thought I was better. I left it because I knew I would never be like that. I knew I would never live up to them, and their rediculous expectations. as rediculous as they were, children, still children... I still compared myself to them. Because, common sense tells me, that they're the one's who will Make it.
So somewhere in that mess, I taught myself to be like that, to never like myself or anything I ever do.
so you see, I'm not that great of a person. I don't bully, but I still join all those popular kids every night in bullying me. I'm just like them... somewhere in my head. Somewhere in this little head of mine, I'm a bully.
I'll never bully anyone more than I already do to myself. never. I am my worst enemy.

how fucked up.

from calista

TEN FIRSTS

> First Best Friend: Rachel Dowling. Haven't heard from her in six years.

> First Screen Name: uhh... Emily??

> First Pet: Boss and Big Cat! best animals ever.

> First Piercing: ears

> First Crush: uhhh....

> First CD: ah shit, I DONT KNOW!!!!

> First Car: Red Rocket! but its moms...

> First Stuffed animal: Papa, my zebra... where'd he go?

> First Memory: being in a bucket of water and my dog coming over and licking the water. i remember it being very fascinating to watch him. I was one.

> First Job: Pro One Stop, baby!
>
> NINE LASTS

> Last Beverage: Pepsi.

> Last Car ride: with calista on the way back from Rent.

> Last Movie Seen: RENT! HA!

> Last Phone Call: Halesha...?

> Last Cd Played: Nevermind, Phish

> Last Bubble Bath: uhhh.... years ago. all showers, baby.

> Last time you Cried: Yup, rent.

> Last thing you ate: Smartfood!

> Last bad thing you did: smoked. HA

>
> EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS

> Have you ever dated one of your best guy friend?: no. not yet. HA

> Have you ever been arrested?: no, but one night when I was out with Calista's little sister Adrienne and her friend... matt? anyway, we were out getting hiiiigh and we thought we saw a cruiser pull over not far from us, waiting to see us. so we hid behind a giant mound of dirt by the train Station... it was scary. later that night matt stole a coffin off of someones yard.

> Have you ever skinny dipped: nope, likely wont.

> Have you ever been on stage? oh yeah. it rocked my world, fuckers!

> Have you ever been in a fist fight: only in my dreams

> Have you ever been in love: cha, yah!

> Have you ever danced naked: uhhh, not going there!

> Have you ever sang infront of an audience: when haven't I?

TEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW

> 1. shirt
> 2. sports bra
> 3. pants.
> 4. headphones
> 5. ring on my right hand
> 6. a chair attatched to my ass
> 7. a floor attatched to a chair attatched to my ass
8. a house....
9. a street
10. a town
>
> 6 Things You've done today

> 1. got up at 11:30, like most days
> 2. ate fries at some point
> 3. got dressed at some point
> 4. watched TV for a while
> 5. Went online
> 6. went to work
>
> 5 THINGS YOU LOVE IN NO ORDER

> 1. Friends
> 2. Music
> 3. men
> 4. oxygen
> 5. the inter-web
>
> FOUR PEOPLE YOU FEEL YOU CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO
>
> (in no specific order)
> 1. Calista
> 2. Min
> 3. Emma..
> 4. my ceiling
>
> THREE CHOICES

> 1. Black or White: Black
> 2. Hot or Cold: cold
> 3. Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
>
> TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

> 1. change the world!
> 2. not live a pointless life
>
> THE ONE THING YOU REGRET

> 1. not doing the above

Rent!!!!!! 4!!!!!

Last night I came home with a Migraine.
I've only had a handful for those in my lifetime. my brother had them much worse than I do when he was a child. very young. as in, eight.
He took medication for his that left him feeling a mimick heart attack.
So after these little heart attacks, my mother resolved that she wouldn't let me on any medication. Thus, In my faithfulness to her wishes, I decide not to take any tylenol or anything for my headaches, which occur every day. the day I dont have one... wow. why?
anyway... last night I had a headache. And I took nothing. and it grew. and I came home earlier than I wanted to with this migraine. I had given in a took ibuprofin at Calista's. sorry mom. but there's only so much you can bear.
I wanted to tear my eyes and ears off, followed by a layer of scalp, anything! to get to my brain and sooth it. fuck...

the drugs didn't work though. I had to wait till I passed out.

this morning I woke up without a headache, just a small echo in the right side of my head. I'm scared of getting another migraine like last nights. It was bad. very very bad...

thats the ONLY reason I dont like my family: They've given me some horrible things.
Depression and Migraines. both from my dads side. Love him to death! but this SUCKS!

Speaking of my dad, I'm getting him a tub of sour candy that we had at the store for a while. he loved it, and that's all I can think of to get him. oh vel. I miss him. I should see him more often, but I don't. You'd be surprised how little time I have to spend with others.
I'm working, he isn't. he's working, I'm not. We're not around at the same time.

oi

anyway, This echo is starting to look familiar, so I'm going to snuff it out with a nice warm shower!
Good morn!

its friday! shit!

1.What are you thinking right now??
about doing the dishes and the weekend

2.What color is your underwear?
Pink!

3. What are you listening to right now?
the distant sound of the television

4. What was the last thing you ate?
Technically, Mashed Potatoes.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
GREEN

7. How is the weather right now?
Lovely. Blindingly beautiful. and fucking cold

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Halisha

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you ?
No one "sent" it to me, I just grabbed it off of myspace from Isaac. so.. sure?

10. Favorite drink?
Pina Colada!

11. Favorite sport to watch?
Hockey, only because it involves sitting around with the guys and laughing at them getting to excited over a puck of RUBBER

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?
indeed

13. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
BOTH!

15. Favorite month?
October. Turning Leaves, baby

16. Favorite food?
Potatoes. any form.

17. What was the last movie you watched?
Walk the Line

18. Favorite day of the week? Sunday

20. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Reverse form of the Cup a Ball

21. Fall or Spring?
Fall

22. Hugs or kisses?
both??

23. Cherry or Blueberry?
BOTH

24. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
no... this isn't email

25. Who is most likely to respond?
its a blog, no response

26. Who is least likely to respond?
Hunter s thompson

27. Living arrangements?
Mother and Step father. but in six or so months? toronto with three other girls! rock on!

28. When was the last time you cried?
uhh.... dont know?

29. What is on the floor of your closet?
a chest

30. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Emma, I guess.

31. What did you do last night?
Work

32. Favorite smell?
coffee

33. What inspires you?
Music. good music. and awesome people who make good music.

34. What are you afraid of?
Heights. and being forgotten

35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
plain.

36. Favorite car??
DUSTER! El Camino

37. Favorite dog breed?
Dachund or german shephard

38. Number of keys on your key ring?
three

39. Whats your dream job?
Record Store

40. How many cities have you lived in?
one.

42. How many different apartments/houses have you lived in?
5

43. Do you believe in God?
nope

45. Fav. Bands? Broken Social Scene, The Shins.... a lot more but I'm too tired

46. who do you want to sleep with? no one. they'll steal my blankets

Sense of Touch

I keep dreaming about you, about us sitting together, your arm around me. About us laying together, caressing me. About you wondering about me, worrying for me, caring for me.
But everytime I dream about touching you, feeling you, I keep flashing back to come feeling, something inside me thats been churning for as long as I can remember, something that says I should not touch, nor be touched. Something that leaves me feeling empty and shred apart inside whenever I imagine someone touching me, holding me. like they're not caressing me, but hurting me. Not just holding me, but holding me down. Like they're killing me.
And everytime I imagine touching you, I imagine the last touch. I imagine looking in the mirror and seeing that thing that's tearing me apart inside.
and I dont even recognize it.

And that is my biggest regret.

Fewer Words

I had a dream last night about the perfect friendship. it was a dream where all of my dreams came true, and left me feeling... well, just feeling better.
Of course, when I woke up this morning, and remembered that this beautiful, perfect dream-come-true dream did NOT come true. It was just a dream.

So now I'm left digging into the past four or five years, trying to see if this friendship could have existed at some point, or if it might in the near future.
Not an easy thing to do.

Everyday's are slipping away into Sleep time and Work time and In between time. I do three things: Sleep, Work, and Sit on the couch/in front of the computer.

This is was school fixed. I could be doing things right now... but I'm not.

I'm not an artist anymore. I dont Want to paint anymore.
I'm not a musician. I dont want to touch my instrument. any of them.
I'm nothing. I am what I despise. nothing and no one.

it SUCKS

I'm procrastinating my own life! I'll say "When I move to toronto, I'll be fit, because I'll have to walk everywhere!" and "When I move to toronto, I won't be alone, and I won't have a lot of what I have now!"
I leave it all to Toronto. Toronto to inspire me. Toronto to tease me.

but for now.... life blows. a lot is just slipping out of my life. I dont like sleeping in, but I can't go to bed any earlier than midnight. I'm too used to it now. and i can't change that habit, because I work late. I'm getting into habits I don't WANT to be in... But I'm in them. because I can afford it, right now.

I'm at a low, I really am. well, tonight I am.
Weird how that works. one day, I'm pretty happy with things. the next, everything is horrible and wrong, and i'm a fat cow, blablabla. shit. Lots of shit right now.

But there's no where to go to feel good. There's nowhere and nothing. excuse?
I'm not going to a gym. reason: I'm petrified of people seeing me in a gym in stirling. it's not a pride thing, it's part of that Anti-social PROBLEM/Disorder/thing. I literally Can't be like that in public. I can barely get through a day of shopping for clothes... you think I can survive in a gym? nooo. because, people who come into the store will all say "I saw you in the gym. Lookin' good!"
FUCK YOU.

but I can't swear at people in the store unless they swear at me. I should just wear a shirt that says "Mentally Unstable: Do not communicate" or something like that. maybe a giant "Don't ask, or die" or something....

ack. life SUCKS and I'm too stupid to do anything about it. but when it snows, I'll shovel... and that burns calories... and stuff.....

i hate myself.

dont start.

I break into people's email

> TEN FIRSTS
> First Best Friend: Rachel
> First Screen Name: Emily
> First Pet: Boss and Big Cat
> First Piercing: Ears??
> First Crush: dont remember
> First CD: dont remember
> First Car: yet to come
> First Stuffed animal: Papa, my zebra
> First Memory: Sitting in a bucket of water whilst my dog Boss drank the water. I was at the most 2
> First Job: one of four paper routes
>
> NINE LASTS
> Last Beverage: Pepsi. alas.
> Last Car ride: Back from my brothers.
> Last Movie Seen: A documentary on Kurt Cobain and Courtney love
> Last Phone Call: dont remember
> Last Cd Played: Royal Tenenbaums
> Last Bubble Bath: dont remember. ages ago though
> Last time you Cried: few days ago...?
> Last thing you ate: a chunk of bread
> Last bad thing you did: Nothing! I'm a good person! HA
>
> EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
> Have you ever dated one of your best guy friends?: nope
> Have you ever been arrested?: nope
> Have you ever skinny dipped: nope
> Have you ever been on stage? YES
> Have you ever been in a fist fight: a few on stage
> Have you ever been in love: Yes
> Have you ever danced naked: maybe..
> Have you ever sang infront of an audience: yes!
>
> SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
> 1. hair
> 2. My big black REM shirt.
> 3. Sports bra
> 4. My lovely striped pajama pants
> 5. my ring that my mum gave me
> 6. eye balls
> 7. a face
>
> 6 THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
> 1. watched Oprah, twice
> 2. went to work
> 3. got dressed
> 4. sat RIGHT here
> 5. Had a shower
> 6. brushed my teeth and hair
>
> 5 THINGS YOU LOVE IN NO ORDER
> 1. Boy
> 2. Kid A
> 3. Friends
> 4. How fucked up the world is
> 5. Music
>
> FOUR PEOPLE YOU FEEL YOU CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO
>
> 1. Emma
> 2. Calista
> 3. Min
> 4. Mike
>
> THREE CHOICES
> 1. Black or White: Black
> 2. Hot or Cold: Cold
> 3. Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
>
> TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
> 1. Change the mother-fucking WORLD
> 2. Say it all
>
> THE ONE THING YOU REGRET
> 1. not doing the above yet

Tom steals these, and I steal from him

1. What is your middle name?
Norah

2. Do you have a crush?
No

3. What are you listening to right now?
Hair, Aquarius

4. Last two digits of your phone?
35

5. Last thing you ate?
M&Ms

6. Last person you hugged?
Calista

7. How is the weather right now?
cloudy

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Halesha

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes and how they carry themselves

10. Favorite food?
POTATOES

11. Do you drink?
Yes, but not often

12. Do you smoke?
yes, alas

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember what you did?
Nope

14. Hair color?
brown

15. Eye color?
Hazel... blue... green....grey

16. Do you wear contacts?
I do NOW!

17. Favorite Holiday?
New Years, fo sho!

18. When's your Birthday?
December 10th.

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
not really

20. Last Movie you Watched?
At home- Skeleton Key
In the theatre - JARHEAD

21. Last time you were at work?
Monday

22. Last time you were out of province/state?
few years ago...:(

23. Last time you went bowling?
few years ago. it sucked.

24. Something unusual about you?
ME!!!! I AM UNUSUAL!

25. Favorite breakfast food?
Frosted Flakes/ French Toast

26. Favorite color?
Black/Blue/Green

27. What are you afraid of?
Heights

28. If you could take a trip anywhere where would it be?
India

29. What books are you reading?
WAR, the space between our ears

30. Number of piercings?
none

31. Favorite movie?
Jarhead, right now

32. Favorite basketball team?
No Sports

33. What were you doing before you filled this out?
Sleeping

34. Any pets?
two cats, four fish, one bonsai tree

35. AIM?
No AIM

36. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
butter!

38. Dogs or cats?
Both! as long as the dogs are cat-size

38. Favorite Flower?
Lotus

39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
I'm sure i have at some point in my childhood

40. Are you single or taken?
Single, no one can handle this train-wreck!

41. Have you ever loved someone?
Indeed, thus my single-hood

42. Who would you like to see right now?
The boys

43. Are you still friends with your exes?
NOPE. Two proved to be rather stupid, and the other is a farmer. and you know me and farmers...

44. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yes, I was good. But I'm terrified of guns. The one gene I didn't get from my dad.

45. Do you like to travel by plane?
Not anymore. see "What are you afraid of?"

46. Are you left or right handed?
right right right right

47. If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?
I thought this was covered... ok, I'll repeat myself - The Boys

48. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Uno

49. Are you missing someone?
Yes. see "Have you ever loved someone?"

50. Do you have a tattoo?
Oh yeah, planning a second too!

51. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
No, I work saturday morning. fuck the cartoons, I need to sleep

Untouchable

A blind glance,
my untouchable,
to attract a world of spies
and glares.

An invisible smile,
my untouchable,
to summon a kiss,
unwanted stares.

An intimate song,
dear untouchable,
to listen to,
to deafen me.

A constant fare-well,
dear untouchable,
the desolate reminder
free to be.

My last confession,
my untouchable,
unheard, and yet,
bright as day.

Should you flounder,
untouchable you,
despair not-
I'm on my way

at least...

Ignorance is my bliss

So what if you catch me,
where would we land?
In somebody's life
forsaking his hands.
Sing to me hope
as she's thrown on the sand.
All of your works are rated again.
Where to go? - fair, remy zero

Im a theif

10 years ago

-I was 7, going on 8
-getting fat
-reading a lot
-fighting with my brother

5 years ago

-I was 12, going on 13
-I was realizing how horrible my step dad really was
-I had my first boyfriend
-I was lonely
-Didn't know shit-all about music

1 year ago

-Working at the pro
-Living at home
-finishing highschool
-I met someone for the first time
-I ate special cake. special...
-I realized I didn'tknow what to do with my life
-missed a lot of friends
-I was lonely
-I knew more about music

5 snacks I enjoy

-very old cheese
-chips and dip
-ice cream
-caramel apples
-popsicles

5 songs I know all the words to

-Cry my a river, Julie London
- Bohemian Rhapsody
- My Funny Valentine
- What'll I do?
- zeppelin

3 places I would run away to

-Iceland
-England
-Dads house

1 thing I would never wear

-Spandex

5 favourite shows

-CSI
-Lost
-Kenny vs Spenny
-Mythbusters
-monster garage
-???

5 bad habits

-Twiddling my hair
-procrastination
-buy things at random
-being really stupid

5 biggest joys

-Singing
-living
-chilling
-people
-Playing Music

5 fictional characters I would date

-I dont know any. sorry.

Remember those nights where you were just so at ease, and everything that went by went by with great ease? remember when you just sat and listened, and didn't care enough to bother making a sound, for fear of destroying what you were hearing?
Remember standing in a room, waiting for something, and not knowing what you were waiting for, just waiting?
Remember being at work, and staring out the window in the dead of the night, just staring... at nothing... and everything was blurring your mind into a pulp of non-sense?
Remember being with friends, and just looking around and realizing how odd it is that you ended up with them?
Remember just.. being there? being in the moment, where it's happening, where everything was hilarious and beautiful and outrageous and just plain old awesome?
Remember all that? remember being happy?
Remember being happy in the midst of your depression?

it doesn't make sense, but you remember, right? you remember. Then it happened, right? it happened, because you remember, and that makes everything real, right?

I dont know.

I remember things. I remember things that happened, and things that didn't happen, but went through my head, nevertheless. I remember all these "fantasies" that were so close to being real, I almost deceived myself into thinking that it really DID happen...

did any of it happen, though? could it happen?



I'm nuts. I hear that every day of my life. I'm nuts. I am crazy.
I like it.

but it's just not enough, is it?