So this is christmas eve, and there's no snow.
it's not christmas. it doesn't feel like christmas. It did for a while last year, but this year.... its not here. It doesn't feel like it, people aren't acting like it. the whole world is just faking christmas.
I wished it would snow, and it didn't. maybe thats why I don't feel it, because it's so fucking warm....
I remember snow. come on canada, don' t you remember snow? I remember christmas eve as a child, the impossibility of sleep, the way the christmas tree brought a glow to the room, how it was like there was music in the air, music that was beautiful. the room was thick with it, the ground was covered with snow, the moon was out shining, stars out... all of that.
no more.

it pisses me off when i'm at work and people will say "Oh let it stay away! I don't need the snow, I love it this warm!"
FOOLS!
You're embracing your childrens miserable future. if you didn't like snow, you shouldn't live in canada.
good god, do people not realize... the world is dying? our one and only home is dying?
there will be no more christmas' for me if things stay this way. I will never be happy at christmas again.

christmas is just another hot day of the year now. no more magic, like that glow in the tree. no more, no more.

that must be why I'm sad. other than the ones I love being far away.
or, the one I love.

he still hasn't replied to me.

merry christmas. pray for snow

if I could get lost
in my fathers mind
would the sun shine different
in the morning
or be filled with equations?

am I smarter
then the mistakes she made
without second thought.
or am I a part of it
the part that failed

did I grow up
with this forshadowed
time of my life
to prove that I, indeed was
the one who would be
(be, oh not me)
the scapegoat
oh not me
oh not me
not this time
not me

I've changed my mind a few times, on the many things I want to do with my life, the many careers I could follow.
and I've changed my plans many times, my dreams have changed.

many of my dreams have been stepped on,
start out like stars, shining so brightly,
and like when a star dies, turns into a black hole,
and everything gets sucked into it's oblivion.

there's only one dream i've had that hasn't been stepped on, one that i haven't shared with anything (thus why it hasn't been stepped on.).
well, thats not true, i have shared it, but only in performing.

its music.

and I believe in it, because it's not playing guitar, or saxophone, it's singing.
The only dream I've had my entire life, to just sing. it's the only thing thats been constant in my life, my voice. even when I was teased for my lisp, I still sang.
and I always will. it's my friend, the one thing that doesn't change, and when it does, I know how it changes, I can predict it. I am a professional at predicting my voice and controlling it.

damnit!

so I will sing.