I'm a veteran

You know what? I bet you don't

I like walking home and having the store lights behind me just go out, flickering a little and leaving me walking across the highway, no cars, no noise, just night. i like it. it makes my night.

I don't know why, but it just does. it's kind of...odd. anyway...

i really have nothing more to day.

nightynight

Mmmmm, Hospitals...

so today i visitted the doctor again in cobourg....for ten minutes. the drive took longer, jesus...

but yeah, i doubt i'm getting this thing "removed". bastards. you're all against me!

sigh

so i'm home early. i wish i was at school. but there i would just be tired even more. yeah, i'm exhausted. tired, down, shitty in general. i just ate about five buns or so. thats bad. nothing on them, just buns. they tasted like criosants (sp?), so I ate them all.

last night ally came in to see me. did I mention that? well, i liked it. i dont get to talk to people that often at work, unless its in a time range of ten to twenty seconds. it sucks.

i have to work tonight.

anyway

i need to work. badly. thats why i'm home, not at school again...and its late to go to school anyway, so there...

OMG, i slept on the way home, it was nuts. i never sleep in a car, its normally impossible for me to sleep in a car. i always end up staring out the window, zoning in and out and stuff. but i actually slept. i loved it. it was in that space where you can hear everything around you, but you're still sleeping. loved it.

Josh is on his little training trip thingy for his summer job. i forget what for, where it is, all that jazz, but yeah. hes gone for the week. no lunchtime entertainment.

oh well...

FUCK, tired. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

heh. i got a pattern going there for typing.


ok, enough!

Later....

Of course I'm back. what else would I be doing, right?

its pathetic, yes, to blog THIS much. but i really have nothing better to do. Sure, i could do homework...but homework at 11 at night? nonono, my friend(?), i will not work this late. read, yes, but not work. of course.

anyway....ummm.....

school tomorrow. shite. doctors tomorrow. shitey. i need a note. I haven't been on the bus in ages! frig! just morning rides. not that I care, really, but still...

HAHA. ok,
Tara was talking again to the creepy stinky farmer guy about me, and she was making up stuff from the top of her head. guess who she said, in my 'defense' was my boyfriend, who i claimed to have to save myself from this creep... guess.....

JOSH

HAHAHA! Take that josh! buahahaha! it was funny at the time, ok?

ally came in tonight and we chatted. wow. i chatted with someone.

AHHH!!!

anyway, it was cool. i guess Angus was in the hospital for.. i forget now. but yeah, he just moved in with the Whalen's.

--Have fun--

ahh, radiohead. I can't believe i missed that whole thing... when was that, anyway?

You know, I really like hunter Thompson, but i HATE this fucking book! the essay on it is due friday, at the latest. i have to hand in my stupid re-done essay tomorrow...and i need money. oops. i'd better find some. how much is coffee at the school?

thinks...

too much. wait....FUCK, i wish i knew. anyway...

sigh.

stupid doctor better actually set me up for REAL surgery tomorrow, or i'm gonna be plenty pissed... grrrrr....

sigh

sigh

sigh

11:13

yess


what can I say? I have nothing better to-
WOH!
I could work on my story! it's actually getting places anyway, so...awesome! YES! oh yeah, so doin' it!

CIAO

and so it ended

West Side Story ended forever last night with the dinner theatre. and it rocked. We got through it, and man... I'm missin' it. G gave this sort of Goodbye thing to people who were leaving after this year, and it got me even teary eyed. I didn't need to think about it too much either, which is...funny. but yeah, the musical rocked, and I really am going to miss people. Chris is gone now, and everyone else is going to peel off from reality, so.. there you go.
after the musical we all went to Denny's. My first visit ever there, and I break a glass. jesus, way to go Emily. i didn't mean to. but yeah, it was good. then we shifted it over to a pub (I didn't drink, of course. i'm underage, duh) for a little. that was kind of bad. then BRAM TO THE RESCUE. he invited us over to his place, so we hung out there until about 1:30. then Sari drove me and Dani home.
but yeah, it wasn't bad at all. and now,its all over.
everything is done. over.
except for fucking essays.

I have to work tonight. damnit. I really don't want to. If I didn't have to, I would still be asleep right now, enjoying my West-side-Story-Soundtracked dreams. seriously, those are the only songs in my head. so I'm listening to radiohead now, trying to get that musical out and gone.

man, that sucks. it's all over.
literally. it really is. thats the only fact I'm having trouble with. I can get over no more performances, I can get over not seeing people afterwards (I guess), but the actual fact that this entire run of mine, this trip through highschoool with these people i first met, is finally ending. But i'm not going anywhere. I have to improvise with what I do next year, while all these other people finally go off to make their lives something they can survive on. it's all done. these awesome, amazing people are finally disappearing. like they were never real.

honestly, they are the most amazing people I've ever known.

well, enough of that.

tired legs. tired head. tired and cold fingers. need to work on damn essay. doctors tomorrow to bitch about the wrist. another essay. more homework. more things, more things, more deaths...fuckin...

it's friday night, and I am home alone with this horrible amount of weight on my shoulders.
I have projects up the ass due this week (a whole redo of a failing essay due monday, another essay due on my book that I HAVENT read yet due friday, and a culminating activity outline for APS due, as well as the fucking portfolio due, and then Macbeth questions. i have to read, find a typewriter FAST HELP ME) and i'm tired. Why? because West Side is up and running, of course.

wednesday, opening night, was rough. the band was bad, it was our first go, and we had such a hard time. i stood for ten seconds waiting for the band to come in on officer krupke once. god. it was rough. but last night was better, and tonight was awesome. the band is really a lot better, and we are ROCKIN!

wednesday, Mrs.Davis took me to MacDonalds after school. i love her! she rocks.

sigh

i'm tired. so tired. i need to read all night tonight, play guitar to relax, read more, sleep, call stupid stores because moms being stupid and difficult with me (thanks mom) and wont take me to stores to find a typewriter.

god damnit. i hate this whole thing i'm in right now. I'm overloaded with work, and ontop i have one more show where i have to serve dinner, and work sunday night.
god damnit, i can't handle this much longer. i need help, man, big time help.

but other than that..well, nothing i guess. i'm just sitting here at home, tired and put out. audience members are uptight.
this woman was staring blankly at me when chris was talking at the other end of the caf. JESUS, WOMAN, THE ACTION IS OVER THERE, NOT HERE. LOOK!

gark

and no one ever stands up for people, not even BRAM or SARI or SARAH. only last night it happened. the rest of the time, no one. stuck up... mumble mumble

nah.

goiha.

bob dylans hurricane. fun!

anyway, thats all, i think...yesyes

hmm

west side story is going to be horrible.

im scared shitless.

ok, so heres the deal...

acting is great. we all ROCK when it comes to that.
but the band is going to kill us. I understand its hard music, i have seen it, i have tried to play it (in my head of course, and i still couldn't make sense of it) but...well, come on people... our dress rehearsal just ended, and it went horribly. Bram is now playing like... three songs? wait.... ok, i feel pretty, a boy like that...and america...

OMG. poor bram. hes playing three on piano. man, he shouldn't have to do that. he shouldn't have to pick up more than he already has. so much pressure, i dont think he needed more.

i mean, he wanted a cigarette. we all did (well, those of us who have smoked on occassion wanted one) and who wouldn't? it was stressful. we're sitting here listening to this band, and we're terrified. they're missing some cues and we're getting too far ahead of them.

its both of us though. we can't find the cues in there, and its hard to hear from where they are.

oh, scary. how are we going to perform this tomorrow night? i got back at nine....i was rehearsing from 4. wow. thats a while.

well, other than that, i'm great!

not

as you could tell from previous blogs (as in from the weekend) things are shitty.
funny how im not in a bad mood from that though, right? technically, i should let myself have a good crying fit tonight over lots of things. but i wont. because i am still content. I AM NOT SO SLEEPY

oops

i just remembered my almost failing mark in APS. great. theres something i can do without.

god damnit.

stupid summer! WAIT UNTIL IM READY

anyway, yesyes....umm....nothing else. tired, legs hurt

so im back. that was fast

i was starting another blog, another rant, but then i had to get off the computer. thunder was becoming very threatening. so i sat upstairs with my dad and watched a bit of an older movie.
i lost interest very quickly, and soon mickey said it was alright to go back on.
so here i am. back online. blogging again.

be happy i did not post the other one. it was going to be, but then it wasn't.


bah bah black sheep.

i tried to listen to a cd on the computer, but wont work. stupid computer hates me. gark. everything hates me. everyone hates me.

paranoid. what can I say?



So dear friends
Your love has gone
Only tears to dwell upon
I dare not say
As the wind must blow
So a love is lost
A love is won
Go to sleep and dream again
Soon your hopes will rise
And then from all this gloom
Life can start anew
And there'll be no crying soon


oh, life is pitted against me, we're in a head to head battle for...something. chess game, right? whichever piece is supposed to be my head has been taken hostage. i cant think.

how do you think it feels to lose your two best friends because you couldnt get a grip of the things around you? how do you think it feels to be lost within yourself while theres a whirlpool of actions and emotions you just cant grasp for all its worth?
did you know thats all i am now? a whirlpool of uncontrollable urges and thoughts and emotions? did you know that i am a bitter person because I can't find myself in this world? did you know that this whirlpool im trapped in is speed up and getting deeper, and that I can't tell top from bottom, or whos friend or foe? did you know that i have a problem?
and you know what?
i cant figure anything out. i cant think. i cant focus. i cant write. i cant love. i cant feel. i cant control. i cant live. i cant have friends because I AM a fuck up. i cant sing. i cant play. i cant be me anymore. why? because i died the other night. which night, i cant remember. but i died. i died without knowing, and this is all some horrible halucination. I am a figment of everyones imagination, and you are all just things of my fantasies. i am a dead person, some empty ghost walking around, searching, longing, for something.

and i have lost the two people i love. because i could not control. because i took a seat in the passenger side to life and let someone else drive. and i was taken onto a new road, a new path, and was in a car crash.

fuck, im just typing now.

im a mess. and i am sorry. I am a jerk. i deserve no friends.
and what do I apologize for? where should I start? I'm sorry my name is Emily. I'm sorry I decided to do something.
im sorry i lost my fucking temper.
im sorry i have become an emotional wreck and cant figure out for the life of me where to start.
and what am I most sorry for?
not feeling bad.
i dont feel regret and the things ive done and said. because they were the truth. embarassment is all i feel, because i was exposed when i wrote that email, because i was who i feared i would be. and now I am that person.
sorry. sorry i turned out this way. sorry i couldn't stop this train. but what ever
im most sorry for not feeling sorry

you know what? if anyone ever has a knife, or better yet a gun or hacksaw, come and kill me. whenever. someone should just end this stupid life of mine. im sure you wouldn't care a whole lot, right? i mean, the world doesn't need yet another starving artist. whats the point in trying to express things when people are only too eager to forget about them? whats the point? really...

its kind of dumb.

rain is back

it was kind of creepy. there i was sitting and typing up this horrible, revealing blog, and thunder was cracking so loudly. it was like a horror film, and i was the murderer. i might as well be, i killed myself, didn't I? I mean, I'm certainly not emily anymore.
i think we all know that.

anyway, enough of this...crap.


no more blogging until my head is clear.

sigh

my fingers are cold.

well, taking off a week or so of work was NOT a bad idea. I am in T.O as i type... and yes. let me say that I am feeling content. At last, i am feeling far away from the world of school and stress, for now at least, and I am happy. im around people i love and who love me back.

well, things are not any better otherwise, if i must say. I have just read my email and things definately aren't looking happy.
so, i'm down to no friends. close friends, i mean. Sure, i have friends, but my two best friends have left me for dirt now.
yes for dirt.
i could easily say things, but other than the dirt thing, i wont go there. I'm happy right now, i dont need to change that.

but hey, thanks for telling me!

ps: I DONT buy drugs

so, lets see...
yesterday Mickey (a very new and GREAT AWESOME mickey) and I went to square one and were shopping for HOURS. she got a bunch of clothes and books, and I got Kurt Cobains journals and a poncho. the poncho is kind of...well, crooked, but its supposed to be, i think. yeah, it is. I love it! its green!





so...





its been a good weekend, thus far (other than email. I dont like logging on and finding THAT in my inbox), and I am happy. yesyes, happyhappy.
go me

let me have a ego

lalalaala

im actually wasting time here

DUDE! I watched Donnie Darko. I LOVE IT. it is my new favourite movie.
"Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?"
"Why do you wear that stupid man suit?"

I LOVED IT

I've also gotten a taste for Doctor Who. wow. what a silly old show that is. but its really funny to watch, and rather addictive. i couldnt believe i was actually watching that.

wow, crossing my legs helps me type.

shh, there we go. now i'm ready for some more heavy duty typing.

friday the band sounded better. it did, seriously. im still concerned a lot!!! but it sounded better. Maybe hope didn't abandon me after all!
cold fingers

HAHA. mickey just came for the computer but saw me, and she went ahh! yes! BOOYAH

ahh, what else...

no spying

i've been skimming through the KC journals, and...wow. he was rather contradictory. but still, some of this stuff! wow! he was quite the artist. he drew and stuff a lot, and it WASNT dumb shit...well, it was, but it was awesome dumb shit.

ah, man. i either have very wierd gas or im sick. there have been moments where i have almost puked, but it was all false. not real pukeyness, just...wierd gas. i guess. burps are odd...

yummm, food.

i eat straight white bread.

i love my family. my god i love them and miss them so much. I was looking at pictures on the wall, and there was one of me when i was four or so, and i was in my nightgown looking all cute and shit. oh my god, was that me? i thought. fuck. who would have thought that little cutey being sweet with aunt mickey was me, this huge fuck up?
i must be a fuck up. look at what my friends are saying.
but wow, things change so much. its hard to believe sometimes. sad too. i cant remember that night the picture was taken, just the fact that I was wearing something white and trying to get permission to eat chocolate with it on. lol. awww, i miss being little... a lot. i was actually CUTE.

sigh

im moving here during university. fuck, if i dont get into uni, ill just move here anyhow. it seems i've lost all that i had to hold on to anyway in stirling. except Josh. I guess hes my only close friend now, if you call THAT close. fuck, thats kind of sad, isn't it? but yeah, moving here for sure. i hope they dont move before then. HA. back when i liked stirling, i wanted them (gramma and Mickey) to move down to stirling too. Well, it seems im starting to hate stirling more and more, so i wouldn't mind moving up here instead. maybe ill switch highschools next year, get ahead of myself and fuck the whole waiting and enjoying what i've got thing. what have I got? Two ex-best friends who hate me and have disowned me, and a bunch of temporary friends who are about to leave to university/college.
i hope no one takes offence to this, but im paranoid. this is how i think. i love these people more than anything, but lets face it: I'm dispensable. i can be sacraficed for better things, obviously.

wow, this blog suddenly turned on itself.

well, i'm thinking online, how about that? its the truth. maybe those journals are getting to me.
but, i'm not depressed or anything. I'm content right now. I am actually happy. im starting to dread going home tomorrow, but otherwise... I am currently content and fully neutral. no worries about going to one side or the other, not while im here. nonono, emily is a happy person tonight.

tonight, tonight, it all began tonight, i saw you and the world went away

i have had those songs in my head ALL weekend.
incase you haven'y noticed, im delaying getting offline. they're watching who knows what, and I dont feel like watching movies. im not sicked by it, i would just rather keep typing and typing. Typing helps you know. it does.

Buses are dumb.

ahh, had to change my seat abit. its hard to type on this keyboard, its...odd. somehow. anyway, nothing much else i suppose.

that was my rant.
ha.

PS:
no apologies.
i have my reasons for my actions, and no one needs to know what they are.
i have problems, didn't you know?

yeah, so the cd thing likely WONT happen.... now im gonna die.
my parade is being rained on... wait, parade? where?

dawn (step mom) came in tonight and told me that theres now a good chance we ARENT going to Missisauga tomorrow.
great.
I have been looking forward to this trip all week, and now i likely wont go. god damnit. thats just fucking great. I took time off, and now i likely won't go. i need to, damnit! I need to get away from this god-damned shit hole!

grrrr!

ontop of that, of course, is the usual school crap, friend crappier crap, and yeah. shitness. gark. im not in a good mood. today started fine, but today ended up being a perfect example of bipolarness. started fine, but right at lunch, i suddenly lost all of my appetite and i just died inside. I could have broken down so easily, its not even funny. i was a feather!
and then, on the way home, i was suddenly in a better mood. i suddenly didn't give a flying fuck about things. i was going to missisauga anyway, right?

and now?

well, after that bit of news and an email i just read, i am predicting my outlook of tomorrow's day, and...well....it looks pretty fucking shitty. i can expect a lecture, and a let down. lovely. on top of that? i will have to live in this damned place with the same problems for another few months.

to be honest, i can't. ill beg my mom to give me a ride to Toronto, and i will just hitch hike back or something. i can't stay here, seriously, everything is driving me mad. i want to see people who love me! -sob-

anyway...tired. hoping...

yeah, you know what? fuck it.
I'm about to lose a friend permanently (because that just my luck) and I'm about to be stuck in stupid stirling for the rest of my stupid dumb life. what should I do?
sleep.
ahh, sleep. however short it might be, i will sleep until my alarm gets me up a little earlier than usual, walk to the bank, then to the bus stop, and wait for my horrible day to begin its runthrough.
this is why i've got a crappy self-esteem

Back yet again

so i heard that G was getting a CD with the background music for West Side....THANK GOD! WE MIGHT NOT DIE AFTERALL!

thats really what made my day, other than not getting home until....fifteen minutes ago.... yes. I was at Mrs.Davis's house, 'visitting'. I was really just watching TV. it was nice, really. first time i had been to someone elses house OTHER than emmas. it was fun though...if fun means better than being at home and not bad at the same time. it was alright, i guess.
yeahyeah, i was happy, NOT being home with these...people....i live with.

I'm trying to think of an intro for a debate, and (of course) I can't. I'm a conclusion person, not an INTRO person! jesus. its so hard to think of how to start something. I can't get points across or anything. friggers!

anyway, i'm tired, exhausted, content though i shouldn't be, and yeah...

projects are a bitch. I feel like im trying to get through things, but at the same time, i feel like i'm constantly being pulled back into shit i don't want to be in.
im paranoid, what can I say? i had a good night, for once, an exceptional day in general, and yes. I'm not too scared of the musical anymore, since i heard about the whole CD thing. thank god for Mr.G sometimes..

i need to start packing for Missisauga, and i need money, jeeeeeez! tomorrow morning, i must leave early and stop by the bank, get money... and yeah. I need to figure out how to deposit my check too. SHIT. friday morning ill go back early, again.

headache.

i'm happy.

why? private, but still happy anyway. I'm going to see MICKEY! FINALLY! god i miss it out there. there, i am staying with people who i love and who love me back just as much. i miss that so much.
fuck, i miss love in general. and to think, i've never actually been IN it with someone. great. i was happy, and now I wish i had a fucking boyfriend.

emily wants a hug.

emily is having a shitty friend time.

this morning i get online and read an email from emma, and it hurt so much. I knew this sort of thing would happen...but what can i do? i'm waiting for something to happen, because I don't want to take charge of this 'ordeal' thing. im too tired, and sad and happy, and everything.

man, who am i?

i am not the person i was a month ago. nono, i am not. something has clicked, and i have no idea if its drugs or just... things. oh my god, things have changed. things are changing. holy fuck its scary. i could cry right now, i could. i'm not depressed, im fucking scared.

wow.
i dont know where those things came from.
thats wierd. i hate it when that happens. but its true. I am not the person i was a month ago. I am a new person, and I feel completely alone, just like anyone would at the start of something.
new life.

anyway, i should stop and work on stupid APS...god. i hate this class. i'm going to fail, i can just feel it. all these gay projects that aren't teaching me shit about anything. theres another scary thought.
yeah, i need love.

LOL
thats pathetic

adios amigos...?

sososo....

I just returned from a pit band rehearsal that included the cast members who sing... umm, yeah... it sucks.
this band should have been rehearsing for at least three months; they've only rehearsed for one. it should have been put together at the start of the semester at the latest. and in general....it sucks.
this musical will be a falling piece of shit, breaking into billions of pieces and flying into the audiences eyes and mouths and ears and noses....

oh god, its horrible. it really, honestly is. NOTHING sounded good.

as for my life? it is currently in turmoil. i have a book to read that I simply CAN'T focus on, as well as an essay on it and another due in two weeks. i have a performance for that as well, a week after the essay is due.
I'm starting to get closer to failing APS, with a mark of 57. i need to PASS that fucking course! So many assignments to do (i need to do a poster tonight, as well as stupid debate information shit. god, i wish i didn't have to.).
on top of this? pressure. After grad, All my friends will be gone. I've already lost one, who has a grudge (thats all it is, my ex-friend), Emma is talking about not being around, and everyone else is graduating...except Josh. but then again, is he really a friend?

in general, i'm starting to get freaked out with the whole friends thing. I'm paranoid right now about what they're really thinking, if I'm really just a giant joke... i've always worried about that, ha...
just next year's stuff. i will be dead next year. I will die a long, slow, numbing death...

ontop of all of this? I am generally pissed off at everything and everyone. most of all, me. me? yes, me. just for being me. I hate me. Always have. i took a testy thingy, some sort of...GAH, whats the word?...self esteem test. Ego is 40, average is 35...i got a 21...
tells you something, doesn't it?
so, being pissed off at everyone, i can't help but feel that no one is trying to see things my way at all...well, ok, not NO one, just one..

friggers

i'm in a shitty, tired mood. at least i finished the jimmy page painting (instead of reading).

Tomorrow I'm going to Mrs.Davis's, because i was suckered into it. Thursday i work, Friday another horrible rehearsal and then TO! WOOT. thank god for family, all i have left....in missisauga...

well, that was my self pity-ish rant. tada!

I have returned

i mentioned once before in a blog that I almost ALWAYS got into a better mood after work. It so true. I feel like myself again. yay.

well, something kind of scary happened, scary and...i dunno, telling, i suppose. anyway, it was like this...

I have a lot of DejaVu's, whatever, and tonight I had one just as i was counting the change out, maybe....half an hour ago. anyway, that was my dejavu. but that wasn't the scary thing. the scary thing was that after i had it, I realized that it was a dream I had had a long time ago, and I even remember telling my mom about it (because there was other wierdness going on in it too) and i remember thinking how wierd it was that I was working across the road. so, of course that type of thought would stick out, since I'm now working there.

but thats rather scary to think about. A long time ago, I had a dream where I was counting change, behind the counter of the store. there were even other bits and pieces of that dream that has sort of become little dejavus in the past, while working, and I've just come aware of it tonight. More of a scary thought? ok!

I dreamt the future man! and you know what? What if one of my other dreams (One I explained to Emma and Kirsten before, you two should remember) happened to come true, long into the future...? what if? holy crap, what a strange concept: that that one dream could really come true in my thirties. holy shit.

...........................................

yeah, I'm tired. I had....ok, lets count. 4:30 to 7 is what...two and a half hours? ok, add that to...10-3...7 and a half hours of sleep today...ok, thats not bad. but still! I was still sobering up what i went to sleep the second time.

yeah, I'm just wierd. Stupid, obsessive thoughts

AH!

holy shit, stupid cat just ran by really quickly and loud. I thought she was gonna eat me! AHH!

well, you know what? thats really all that happened, but now I'm wondering about it.... kind of odd and funny how things turn out, eh? how things just somehow....turn out that way, for whatever reason, good or bad or neutral. strangeness....

ok, thats all. I'm done.....
NOW!

its saturday afternoon, already...

i got home around....11? no... 9:30. jesus. time is off with me. I showered, then slept, now my hair is stupid.

last night, wow. first night, man, first night! carson's party was pretty whacky! three bong sessions, i think, a couple joints, four or five coolers...yeah. lots of staggering around. what a sensation.

but, yes...yesyes. thats really all i can say. I'm trying to wake up for work in time.

I'm a pro at the bong now! go me! woot!

but yes.... still thoughts

anyway, i'm incredibly tired, and I'm just trying to drag myself into the world here with music, and its hard. I just don't want to do anything at all but sleep and be dead.

it was fun, yes, but...well, i dunno whats wrong. am i paranoid? sure. why not?

i really have no clue!!!1

anyway, i need to wake up, eat lots of food and go to work in a couple hours, so I'm gone.

be good

well, yes...i blog FAR too frequently....but, meh

so, Tara was wrong about something: the timing.

buddy came in tonight, and got his stuff, and when he came to the counter he said

"Can I ask you something?"

I knew what it was, but i decided to play dumb (what else would I do? say NO?"

"Sure"

"Would you like to go to a movie sometime?"

dramatic pause.

At this point, I was just preparing myself for the bullshit I was about to release, and I knew that he could tell I was too.

"I'm kind of in a relationship" Said I, and (buahahaha, i'm cold) he 'faltered'. thats really the only word I can use.
"But thanks for asking!" I added quickly. well, that was usefull.....

Yeah, I was pretty obvious, and I knew he must have felt like an idiot, asking me out in a store and my shutting him down.

BUAHAHAHA

go me

So, tomorrow is the PROM PARTY, and I am going.
-beware!-
yeah, decided I would TRY to go. Might be getting a ride with josh. MIGHT, big might, doubt it. But most likely, I will be going with Calista, after 11....oi. thats late to be waiting for someone. somehow, I will have to pick up stuff from Patricks too, somewhere in there.....oivay. so hard, yet so easy!
not.
nothing will go to plans. murphy's law never fails me.

well, nothing much more to say. the heat! MY GOD, i'm sweating and its 11! jesus! its so hot. its nice being able to be outside and stuff, chilling with me buds and all (who are ALL LEAVING ME NEXT YEAR....bastards), but its too humid. too humid. and its not even SUMMER yet

note to self: DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK. call dad to inform of long weekend and rehearsal, etc etc, HOMEWORK. Don't spend a bunch of money

thats all for now.

ADIOS!

Happy prom. love you all!

HELP

ok

something scary has just come to my attention from Tara at work...

Just a few minutes ago, i went across the road to the pro (place of work, if you didn't know) to get ginger ale for the parents. well, Tara stopped me at the counter, and said

"Do you know that guy who comes in, smelling like cow shit, wearing the farmer stuff, sort of disgusting looking?" etc etc... "He's like 25 or so...well, warning- He likes you"

AHHH

why Do I attract the scary ugly ones?

"So he might come up to you in a couple of weeks and say something. so you might wanna lie and be like 'oh I have a boyfriend' or say your mom won't let you date, you know?"

thank god for the warning. Jesus.
how the hell will I deal with that?

AHHH!

sorry, i had to post that. it scared the crap out of me

Wow, new blogger look.... kind of neat.

well, its a monday night, and i'm sitting here, relieved at last that my portfolio was completed yesterday (in about five hours) and the test is over. Now, i just have to READ like mad, and get that damned Musical Theatre project going. Fucking Rent... I love it so much, I really do, but i just can't FIND anything, or even think... I can't focus on what needs to be focussed on, like my readings. One book is almost done, but it has nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to do with Hunter s. Thompson. Mrs.Davis, what have you done to me? You've given me a novel not the least bit connected to him. if I need to be given more time, its your fault....I still need a damn typewriter too. shitlicks.
so much stuff to get going with. god, i feel exhausted and so overwhelmed. I haven't even seen my dad in weeks for more than five minutes at his doorstep, asking for something.... i miss him.

sigh

tired

West Side Story is rolling. Costumes are at the ready, being done, whatever, and shows are....including this week.... two weeks away... is that right? two weeks? well, 26th is the first show, 29th the last, and everything in between. I need to talk to G about scheduling work stuff. My boss talked to me today (one of four bosses, since two are the actual owners and parents of Min and Julie, both still higher up than me....never mind) about getting that done.....oivay. another thing to worry about.
in other words, i need to get my act together....NOW.
i need to go out, find stuff, and i need to restrict myself in what the hell i'm wasting my time with. SHIT....i'm going to die, aren't I?
I have an english essay to write as well.
so, you might wonder, with all this stuff going on, why am I blogging? why do I bother so much, with all these pointless, retarded posts?
well...
no reason, i suppose. I just hate not doing anything, and (me being me) I'm not going to do real SCHOOLwork, am I? I mean, I don't do that...no no, not me. HA. that would be a laugh, wouldn't it?

anyway....No Emma today, and I have the feeling she is incredibly pissed at me. I asked for it.
she'll live though... I hope.

well, thats all for now, i think....yes, nothing else needs to be mentioned to bother you with, whoever you are....?

GOODnight

i swear, i must have nerve damage in my wrist. EVERYTHING bugs it ni the strangest ways. If i bring my finger across the alien, my hand goes tingly and almost numb.
man oh man. My family seriously has problems, health wise and head wise. and to think, I'm the AVERAGE Engel....well, ok, thats a lie. I'm pretty much one of the stranger ones....nah, im average.

stupid wrist.

fuck! So burnt out. I'm tired. I was up at samms late last night, feeling a little nauseous, but I still hold my record....4 YEARS WITHOUT PUKING. WOOT. why would I though? exactly. WHY would I puke?.... unless I had too much of a bong.
hehe
bongs are fun.
but yes, last night....that was awkward. its NOT nice being in a house with four guys you've never met before, listening and dancing to crap-rap while incredibly stoned, both you and your ONLY friend and these complete strangers. I know now that that is NOT my thing.... not with people I don't know. Any other type of music, I would have been a little more comfortable, but for some reason, guys who dress/act "ganster'-ish and play LOUD rap music while high....well, ok, they scare me. No, see, I would much rather have listened to Led Zeppelin, or ANYTHING other than rap, while stoned. MUCH rather.

oh man, I just about greened out. SO close to puking. Couldn't walk right. honestly, it was a little scary. BUT I'M STRONG, I CAN MAKE IT!....lol.
I shouldn't be talking about this stuff, but....I DONT CARE.
I'm a teenager
I'm a MUSICIAN.... thats wierd. I have never considered myself a real "musician". see, to me, the word musician, means someone who is AWESOME at music, who is the apollo of their genre, etc etc.... in other words, not me.

but yeah, i'm a musician. Cliché and stereotypes say that I am to be a stoner who will eventually die from an Overdose... that won't happen, no worries.
buahaha.

anyway, whats new? I have SO much fucking homework to do tomorrow, a portfolio due monday (that I've hardly begun), an essay due wednesday....test monday as well....forgot my script at school. yipes. I wont have my lines memorized by then. Sorry G.

WSS is coming along well, I think. Some people need to get into it more, or just simply focus. others are rocking the world (bram, duh) and inspire us all....heh.

but yes, things are going.... and by going, I mean I'm starting to get nervous.

anyway, its late. i need to sleep sometime, catch up on it, enjoy it. Mothers day tomorrow.
everyone say "I love you" To your mother, wherever they are. without them, you wouldn't be! duh

goodnight!

so here i am again, one day later, and today was another wasteful day.
I spent it at Loyalist College, where I sat in a room, waiting for my free meal at lunch, and....well, that was it, really.

I'm starting to get there, wherever there is. I can feel it.
neat how you can just feel things happening, huh? you don't really know, you just feel. intuition, i suppose. I can't help but think that I'm turning another corner, and I'm finally getting a glimpse of the next street.

i dunno. I dont know why either, really. I don't know what clicked in my head, or when, or if it's just a temporary thing. I hope it isn't. Neutral can be a dangerous place to be sometimes, since you can go either way so easily and quickly. but at the same time, if you can gain more control of yourself, you have a better chance at choosing which way you go.

but yeah, thats how i'm feeling, other than still pissed off at my wrist. its been hurting all day. whenever i hit it by accident, SCREAMING pain. i hate it, since hardly anything was done.

so tired. sleepy. sneezy. ahh man. I am neutral. I am an untinted window for all to see through.
i like it

you know what sucks?
NOT getting something done.
right now, nothing in my life is complete. EVERYTHING is left out in the open, unfinished and annoying as hell.

surgery today? no, just a bunch of needles.
see, i was hoping that they WOULDN'T just drain my cyst, but they did. they pumped it with freezing stuff (and holy shit that killed like a bitch) and then drained it. THERES STILL A FUCKING BUMP. WAY TO GET RID OF IT. Now I have to wait a few more weeks for mom to call the doctor back, after the bump has gotten HUGE again, and then another few months before I get REAL surgery.
jesus.
at least its smaller again, i suppose, but its been hurting so much. all day its been aching like mad. I should have left it alone, then it wouldn't have hurt so friggen much.
god damnit! I'm pissed off now. I wanted it TAKEN OUT, not emptied so that its sort of small and will slowly grow back.
fuck, it hurt! that freezing stuff, man, it was just this horrible pressure in my wrist that didn't end until he took the needle out and stuck a bigger one in to take out the gel in there.
that was interesting. I know what it looks like now. Its just clear gel. cool.
but the rest of today sucked.
I'm feeling sick from my throat, I didn't get my wrist REALLY fixed, just put off more and more, and i'm tired so much and sick of reading and homework.
What puts me out is the fact that I waited MONTHS for this thing to be -key words- TAKEN OUT, and after all that waiting I just wasted another day. I COULD have gone to school, but didn't, and instead am stuck living with this thing for even longer. GOD. what a STUPID waste of my time.

but, on the plus side, I went to MacDonalds on the way home and then got a Distortion pedel. Awesome one, too. its hippy-looking. i love it.
what a shitty day.
what a WASTED day. What a fucking waste of time though. jesus. I could have drained it myself, for christ's sake, instead of a doctor telling me stuff I ALREADY knew...but no. they didn't want to operate this time.
fine.
be that way.
i'm still mad.

GRRRR!!!!!!! GA! i hate people. i want to sleep, but when I wake up it will be tomorrow, and tomorrow will suck even more because I have this STUPID trip to fucking loyalist all day about MORE doctor shit, and then i have to work, and I just don't want to. I hate the world, and the world hates me.

Is there really anything to say?

well, let me think....

I got a dress yesterday, and now, after looking at it again and trying to find something to go with it, I have realized I likely won't ever wear it....not for a while, anyway, until im MUCH more comfortable in those things.
BUMMER!
sorry mom. I guess I wasted your money. then again, i'm not in much of a mood to WEAR the damn thing right now....so there.
also got more shirts (from the mens department, of course)
i have the best reciept.
Lingerie, Lingerie, young mens, young mens...i wonder what the cashier guy though about me? I was standing infront of him, wearing a mens shirt FROM that store, buying underwear, etc, and a mens shirt. i wonder what he thought...
he made chitchat with me mum though. no problemo...hehe

anyway, what else? not much, i suppose. life is the same, as always, same shit, different day, all that jazz

so, back to my original question:
Is there really anything to say?

I think not

So, i am back....

the baby squirrel died, sadly. but that was expected, after falling and staying outside over night. meh. there are plenty of squirrels in the world.
then again, there are also plenty of humans in the world....

Major ass projects coming up. I'm actually reading, or trying to, and TRYING DESPERATELY to get working on APS shit. god, i need to do this stuff. i need to burn a cd for APS too, for monday, and bring a piece of toast and peanut butter.
i wish i could talk to my group, so we had an idea of what we were doing, etc, but NOPE. nothing.
god. i'm doing all the work for this thing. jesus. good thing i never actually SAY anything important.

sigh.

very tired. wait, no im not. IM A LIAR

today was the busiest night shift i've ever had. it was like the one saturday I worked the day shift, only I wasn't tired and sloppy-like. i was ON THE BALL....go me.

so frigging HOT thought. it felt like summer in that damn store, hot and sweaty. yikes. can't wait till summer! Man, i want to go get a bathing suit....not that i'm going to go swimming often with friends, since they will all be gone. I wish I could thought...or at least go to the cottage and such. that would be so nice. Not my cottage, i have no cottage, but my rich aunt and uncles, who dont like me too much. hehehe, buahahahh.
BUT YES, i want to go shopping, get clothing that shows some leg. wow, thats wierd...I WANT short. uhoh, am i drunk or something?

no

anyway, yesyes....indeed. d/l the darkness, because I dont want to spend much more money than i have this month.

HEY! Cygnus book 2 just came on! I haven't listened to this song in ages. i love it...and....lyrics. WOOT. ahh, geddy lee. i love this song...memories come back to me.

anyway, not much to say other than im rambling, but i want to. im happy right now. and to be honest, i can't help but feel like that hole i was stuck in, back to the coffee house, is going away. i'm climbing out of my hole the way i came in.
hey, its a good thing. im dealing with things now. hurrah for me.
oh yes,
Boys?
Are off limits from now on.
Yes, I am an artist, a Bohemian, but I've had enough taste of love (If you must, put quotations around that word, but I would say go without. I'm delusional, yes, but I know things...) for one highschool student. enough of this stuff.
now? I'm dealing with myself. I'm just starting to accept myself for who I am, and I'm starting to finalize some ideas of my own. for one, I LIKE DRUGS. sorry, but I do, It took my mind off of things, and since then I've been in better health (Not physical, of course, mental) than i was before. so there. Sorry, but thats my medicine for now. its a good distraction.

but yes, bohemian or not, no love until I am FULLY through the whole Identity Crisis that we teenagers go through. crush, fuck 'em! They're dumb and pointless and dont do any good. right emma? Right. thats all he was, a crush, and dumb, mechanical, heartless, bastard crush.
GOOD FOR ME

I'm happy

anyway...enough stupidity for one night.
Yeah, I whine and talk about the same stuff. but for too long thats been my main focus of thought, and look where it got me. NO where.

anyway, goodnight stirling and beyond!