I'll leave that for you to think about

sometimes, certain night, when I think about this, I can handle it. I look forward to it. Inside, i feel ready.
at that moment.
but when it comes to nights like these, after a good day, good weekend (for the most part, of course), I can't handle it. the idea of finally throwing myself into a very different place, far away from home, where I will be completely alone, is scary.
tonight, the though of going away from a life that feels like it's getting better every day, is not a happy thought.
but remember, there are those nights when i look forward to leaving, when I feel like I can handle it fine.
how can I put this...
of course, it's him. things have gotten to the point where i just feel good with what I have. I am the happiest I have been in a long time, at this moment in time. I am pretty fucking good, actually. and i think that, and of course, I get to thinking about how long it will last.
and nothing lasts forever.
but i really wish it did. It sucks that it takes my entire highschool life to finally find this place that I'm in, and now I'm shifting to another place.
well, hardly. come on emily, think about it. You won't be that far away. three hour drive, phones, possibly email. come on... whats so bad about it?
the idea.
the picture in my head, the picture of it, will fade every night that I stop to look at it closely. every morning when I look at it again before I face my day, the details will blend together more and more into something I can't recognize. the voice in my head will drift away until finally turning into someone elses, someone I don't know, and don't want to know. the music in my head will be turned down until I simply don't hear it anymore. or any music at all.
how do I know this?
I don't. but I just feel it. and for what it's worth, my gut isn't wrong a lot of the time. instinct's are handy that way. ESP, instinct, they're basically the same thing, only one is a very trained harnessing of the other. and I've got one of those going pretty well.
so, I just feel it. I know it will happen because it already has happened. i've gone months without hearing him before, and i hear him again, and it's refreshing. it helps the person in my head stay clear and the same, not transforming into another being. it helps.
but it's happened, and I know it will again, if I go for months without talking to him again.
and right now, that's a hard thing to do, considering my new habits.

so what will happen when the time comes to break those habits and move out, at last? what will happen to me, and my little hole that i dug for myself and made all warm and cozy? what will happen to dear old me?
does it matter what happens to me? would it change the world in any way?
no.
so
does it matter whether or not I become depressed again? if I start going into places I once deemed sickening, unworthy, will it matter at all? would you really, honestly, Wonder Why I started?
how, from everything I have written in this stupid thing, how could you wonder why anything happened to me? how? after all of this, if I started to tear myself apart subconsciously, limb by limb, how could you wonder why?

this is stupid.
i need to settle with the idea of leaving it behind. of leaving that whole part of my life. i need to admit to closing this chapter and beginning another, even if I am trying to work on the finishing touches a bit to make the transition and little sweeter. life doesn't allow for those extra minutes to make everything work out for a happy ending. no room for that.

if you ever wondered what it was like to really live a life broken inside, have nothing to yourself, stop wondering. i'm living that broken life. and I will be until I forget about him.
and that will never happen.

Ok, I'm Blogging about my life-changing day...ish...

sure! things are changing so fast today! maybe just today, but it's scary and awesome!

ok

oh man, do I really want to type ALL this out right now? PRESSURE!
exams are done. i think i did well on World History. hope so.

so, today, i drove emma to school for the last exam of mine, and her parenting exam. but we were late.

why:

going over the bridge on Wallbridge Loyalist road, the one over the 401, there was black ice.t he car infront of me was not paying enough attention, and rear ended the truck in front of him, BADLY. His car's engine was shoved back, fucked car for good. badly.
so, i stop. and like the good driver i was at the time, I stopped like 10-15 feet behind him, leaving space in case someone behind me comes up too fast.
guess what
someone did come up too fast.
i look in the rear view mirror while sitting wondering about the poor guy ahead of me (and the song "End of the world" has just ended, and I'm starting to think about the possibility of being late for my exam), and there, behind me, someone is trying to brake. i think "Shit, he's going to hit me" but of course, my stupid feeling and hope is saying he won't, because my hope is that strong. just as I move my foot to the gas to get ahead a bit, and just as i put my foot down a bit, BAM! quick little jerk, i got forward a few feet, and it all stops.
"Shit". car stops. "SHIT" i put the parking brake on and turn the car off, sit back, "Fuck."
look in the rear view mirror and get my first good look at Dustin, an Automotive (HA) stupid at Loyalist college, and i see his shoulders go down and his face go from shock to complete misery.

thus was my first "Accident". i stood in the cold for about twenty minutes, waiting for the police while talking a bit with Emma, Dustin, and the other guys. everyone was fine, especially emma and I. no damage to us at all, though I think emma emotionally took it worse than me.

all that happened was my bumper being shattered. but up to the very moment i was hit and the moments after, i was convinced foolishly that the boy coming up way too fast behind me was not going to hit me. but he did. but, because I was taught well, i did not hit the man in front of me.

and so, no damage to my insurance rates, no damage to me or anyone else. all is well.

Mrs.Davis stopped for a while with us, and called the school to tell us we would be late for our exams. which was great.
people I knew drove by.
tonight at work, half of the people asked me about it. SHIT! that was fast! small town, eh?

that was my morning.

heh.



tonight at work was wierd though. most of the day i felt kind of shitty, not feeling the best, but in the last 45 minutes of work, things got great. I made Tara call Angus and talk with a southern accent asking "Do you got Prince Albert in a Can?" to scott. it was hilarious. i talked to them on the phone, and then BAM! Joel! he showed up.
"I have to give you an album!" he says. and woh, out of no where. I've only talked to this guy Once before.
He rocks! he's a musician! I mean, WOW! YES!
why is this great?
because I have the feeling he wants to hang out, or GO OUT, with me. why?
"it's funny, I just met you and I thought 'I like her!'"

awesome!
it got me psyched.
why? dont know. he's just cool... but I want to know how old he is. i almost asked. but i didn't. meh.
i need to know when to show up at school on wednesday too, for the grade 8 day, and that songs i'm supposed to perform. bah. sax quartet. bah.

k, thats all for now.
CIAO!

what is it about this song? what IS it about this song? It gets me going! it's like a quick dose of inspiration, but what can I do with it? I have no ideas! I don't want to do anything! i do, but. i dont.

my world history exam went alright today. it was better than I thought it would be. hopefully i passed...

so. end of the first semester of my last year in bayside, and thank god. it's starting to bug me.

i can't get away from this song... it's following me. it's echoing everywhere i go, just those few phrases, coming back to me.

you know, i really am obsessed with this, but i wish i could throw out exactly what I'm feeling, so that you would feel it too, the same way i feel it, but it's not possible. even if you hear this song, you'll get something different. it's the life. i wish I could pass it on, but really, there is no way to.
so why should I try?

i'm bored.

i'm tired too, but I can't do anything or go anywhere, since my mom has a woman over getting a make over. er.

i'm so bored.

i want a stick. that would be very entertaining right now. a stick. more than a computer.
hey! who wants to buy me a laptop?

BAH!@

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

What's Your Element?

ok, well... i dont think thats really true... but... i'm lazy.

I hate school with a firey passion in my loins

Welcome to the world of Homo's and Lesbo's!

ladies and gentlemen, today's topic: Same Sex Marraige!!!!

ok, i was reading, and i came across this, and itjust struck me as kind of... wierd. why? because, once again, it comes down to equality. Heterosexuals have the right to marry. but... gays? nope. they are deprived of that right.
in my own opinion, it's not the government's decision to Ban something like this, when it's about the person. its the couple's choice, it's their business, no one elses.

so why the fuck ban it? because Catholics are all creeped out, right, forgot about them... and... other people. i asked. out of... four people, three were for same sex marraiges. one against. saying it was gross. bah. you're gross. ok, fine, be grossed out, but don't deprive people of this sort of thing. it's not your choice, it's not some politician's choice, its not the choice of some guy who claims to have a Connection with A God.

no one's choice other than the people directly involved, being the couple. so...

once more...

why bother banning it?

it's a whole new world, you grossed out religious people. get used to it. this isn't going away.

bandy band band

Yeah, I've got a band!
Chris Staikos, Grant Martin and me. we jammed today for the first time. more like a "what the fuck are we doing?" jam, but, it was a jam, technically. cool. another one tomorrow after school. I guess we're going to start out covering good old rock songs, like old ones, like the doors, pink floyd, a bit of Buffalo Springfeild, yardbirds, etc etc... right onooonononononnnnn

so... started out rough. so we took a break, went to timmy's, then stopped in at Gus's for a while, and watched them jam. frig. it either inspires you, or makes you give up. hopefully, we get some fire going. we sort of did, I guess. but it was a good day.
I'm in a friggen band!

FRIGGEN!

ummm....

past week went wierdly. wanted to work, but.. didnt.... exams start next fucking week, and i am SO FUCKED for them. i mean, SHIT. FUCK! I have an entire painting to start/finish. i never found a chunk of wood to use for art either. an entire thing to do for world history, being like six fucking chapters to read... a seminar to do this thursday. music, i have a piece to compose.
but heres the good part. the only actual exam i have is World History. but fuck... i'm so burnt out. it's way too much to do. but starting tomorrow morning, i'm spending my first period reading and doing actual work. band comes after school... and maybe at lunch. but fuck... i'm so dead.

i just need to get a 51. i don't care about my average, just let me pass so I can graduate and get out of this fucking school.

man. i can never get all of my life good at once. school is hell, but my social life is actually good. i can't believe i have a low mark in art. low, as in 80's. my mark is 56 in World History, but thats not including a project i didn't do, a test i failed because i left my book at school, and my shitty ISU. and I can't remember anything for music. I don't give a shit about anything. but art... that was supposed to be my domain. that was supposed to be what carried me, and I have a low mark. i went from 98 to 82. i can't believe i let myself do that. i can't believe the things i have and haven't done.

what the fuck happened to me?

it feels good to be back home

someday, I will say that, damnit!

So... i MIGHT be moving to Ottawa in...august...ish... wish Aric and whoever else. not sure yet though. well, not set in stone. but apparently i'm in mind for it.

so, thats got me happy again, i guess. not too much to worry about there. except for finding an effing JOB, bah.

the past week was pretty good, mood wise. i finished my ISU for World History today... but i think i might fail the course in general. i can't grasp a lot of it, I blame ADD...

but, besides that, i have a lot to wrap up around. I have the FUCKING HUGE painting in Art, the guitar to finish, the two people thing to start, the mask to finish, the bust to finish...
in world history i have the fucking Ghandi Seminar to think about, a test to study for on Tuesday, a lot of catching up to do note wise... i'm screwed. music wise, i don't know whats going on. we're going to start a project i wont know how to do, because it's been about two months since we did theory and i can't remember a thing.

once again, i'm screwed.

but this week was good.
although...

last night i had a dream where someone got the shit beaten out of them at school, like, unconscious on the floor, and they turned into a pile of sticks while i was holding their hand. it was wierd, almost funny... but actually sad. before that was a wierd party dream with Aric in this camp ground with a lot of music, beer, and picnic tables... none of these were happy, just incredibly wierd.
looks like I've fallen back into THOSE dreams again... fuck they're scary.

sigh

oh dreams.

a long time ago i had a dream about someone, visitting me in stirling, when the creek and pond were dried up. not too long ago i had another dream about the same person, in front of the pro (the pro, selling Fries, in my dreams), and somewhere else...
some dreams never go away. they stick to you. like a tiny tiny insignificant cut, at least you think it's nothing, but it leaves this little white line on your forever, and whenever you see it, you remember it, and it's not nice...
funny how metaphors and simile's work so great at getting a point across! i love it.

well... thats that. I hope i get a Rowing Machine and a Laptop.

Hmm

so, i did that thing Ally has up on her blog, but for some reason it's being a dick when it comes to cutting and pasting, and i dont feel like fixing anything, so..

I'm Ecstacy.
go figure

the suns sinful wink

Funny how some moments stand out more than others, even though they're not too different, or have any reason to stand out.
It's funny how some things said have that ring to them, the ring that reminds you later on of what bells sound like, of what sound IS, of what IS... funny how certain people seem to do that so often.
life took a turn many months ago, when i started something. something I enjoy. life took quite the turn. it got me into a world i had always loved looking in on. now i'm part of that world. and it's comfort.

I've found that I can only find comfort in that place, with him, just doing what's done in that world. just living that life. I find it beautiful, safe, just a place where everyone goes to forget, to remember better things than what's to be forgotten, than what's to be... It's a place I've gotten to be a part of.
With him.
well... look at what happened.
Funny how those few words can make such a difference in how you feel. even though it's nothing at all, just an Observation, it seems to make it easier to see the light once every so often. just a wink from the sun, it's all I need to remind myself that there is still hope in people.

just in a wink from life... it makes you wonder about the future. will the future wink too? it did, i suppose. thats what life is, future. so, the future gives you a smile... how?
it's the faintest thing, it could be a hint, it could be nothing at all... but it feels like something, and the way the embrace feels, it makes you think there IS something. the way the eye is caught every single time a glance is made... it's like the same thoughts are going across the mind at the same time... the way the eye stands, watches, smiles in itself before the lips do, it's like there is a real thought of affection behind them, like there's an idea that's been brewing there for a time unknown that's so beautiful, it's never been spoken yet, for fear or losing the train of the thought. It's the idea. the idea of care. the idea of affection. the idea of an idea over there. but when you see this, it's never really... noticed.. not until those precious words are spoken. which words?
an observation. it was just an observation, conversation. but it stood on the air, like smoke hanging there, freshly exhaled from the lungs of another teenager. it sat in the air, potent, yet, non-existant. just an observation... but it was curious. it was brought up. but why bother bringing it up? it was the curiosity behind the comment, the memory, that made him pause and think about it, but his eyes never left you. you both watched eachother while he spoke about the night before, about his personal experience, and he watched you (with what seemed like an ever closer eye than normal) while he said he noticed your eye. a lot. he caught your eye a lot. 'you notice those kinds of things'. a seperate sentence on its own, it's own life growing from it, spreading into the mind. which mind, i wonder... but it grew. it stuck to the face. it hung around my head, though there were no actual thoughts. no speeding up of my heart, not reciting that sentence in my head, over and over again, and again... just the knowledge of how it was said, and how there was just the ever so slightly longer pause before and after it. a test? a game?

a nothing

but there is no such thing as nothing. only mistakes, ideas mis-led, and what really lies, no one will know.

but, it would be nice to know....

Happy Twenty 0-five

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome to the New Year.
and what shall happen this year???

so, friday night, i worked, got off at nine, went to Angus and Scott's place for the big party. and MAN. holy shit. three guys came in after midnight, after their party got shut down, and they didn't know anyone, just saw a party and came in...
and we were buddies. it was cool! by the time everyone else passed out, all that were left were these three guys, me, Chris, Chantal, Aric and Angus, talking to these guys...

holy shit. it was amazing. a mixture. group wise, people wise, age wise, drug wise, music wise. Live music, CDs, everything was just put together for a night and morning, and it equalled this awesome time of making new friends, seeing old ones, and just living and partying together. it was nice, being able to get back together, and for things to feel like they hadn't changed at all. Aric, man, it was like nothing had changed, like there wasn't a great four-five month gap since our last meet. it was just great.

Angus got in late, after a show, at about 1 something, and he was on E. people were on Acid. everyone was on Weed, and those three guys brought Coke with them. it wasn't a problem, they did lines on angus' table and counter... but every so often, while the rest of us kept the conversation going, one of us was casually look over, and look back, and pass a quick glance to one of us, and we would just pass that mental "amazed" look... it was a new world, people, a new life right there. we almost missed midnight, cuz the band was playing, but we kept an eye on the clock, turned the tv on, two minutes later HAPPY NEW YEAR! couples made out, people hugged, bongs were smoked, drinks were drunk, people were happy.

and that was my night.

and it was good....




current band in my life: The Unicorns. i've gotten to really like them... and, typical, they've just taken time off. "Time off" sorry.. forgot those quotation marks.

haven't started that giant essay, due wednesday. did my music essay. haven't played Oboe...
FUCK. i'll start work tomorrow morning, swear to god, work through lunch (if I can), work at night... tuesday night, though, after work, i will likely be typing out the rest of it. no doubt about that. no way I'm going to be able to finish it ALL before tuesday. i'll need a break, then i'll run dry int he early hours of wednesday.

I'm starting out 2005 with the search for splints for my wrists. Carpol tunnel, positive now. they've hurt everyday for weeks, but not new years eve... too much everything for pain to get to me.
i didn't get to sleep until 8 something, though we all crashed at 7 ish. woke up at 10:40, went out and said goodbye to everyone BUT Angus scott and Alison (who were all sleeping, seperate rooms, scott and Alison together, angus still in bed) and chantal, who slept in the living room. Aric and I slept in Gus's room, me in a chair, aric ont he floor, and angus on a cover-less bed for a while, since Jen Roberts...well... lets leave that for now.

back to 2005. will I change? DUH. I'll move out sometime, hopefully as soon after grad as possible. I'll try to get into eating better. I'll try to get a hold of my focus again, at some point... maybe in the fall. for now, i need to weather out school until it's passed on. I'm getting over Boy 2 for sure now. I'm not looking into him anymore.
hey,yeah, thats you butthole who doesn't answer as to whether or not you read this. ha!
so, theres fun in a bottle. bottle. yay! you know, it's a good new year. no one was alone, in terms of where I was. no orgies either. it was just a bunch of strangers with friends, hanging around, meeting more stranger and their friends, and it was a great great place, even if people are against drugs, i don't give a shit, because it was great. recreational purposes, man, all for the recs.

back again to 2005. i'll have ot detatch at some point, so, i'll work on controlling the emotion department, since that's more than necessary. i'll look for a place to live, and a room mate, and another job to afford both. i'll try to avoid procrastinating like i have this holiday. i'll try to be friends with people.
i guess, this year, it's about control, isn't it? I lost it in 2004, enjoyed my doing that for a while, and now i'll work on having those times, while keeping a grip on something.

and life shall continue.

next investments: Plane Ticket to England, for march break with Mike.
and
Laptop, to take with me when i move so I have a computer to work on and what not. life will be okay again this year. I'll work.

well, happy 2005

For the Estranged Him and Her...

This is how the game begins.

tonight, we sit at this table, drinks all over it, smoke our new oxygen.
sit, talk, all of us sitting but
you.

tonight, we sit and talk about rediculous things
into the morning, until
we tank.

now, we sit and talk
and you stand
and we're going to play this
little game.

I'll be -IN- the conversation
you will observe
with commentary

I'll listen, laugh
you will listen
maybe smile?
and you will look around at everyone at the table.
to see how they speak
react to something
who they look at

you will catch my eye once
and I will look away.
and we will play that game.
I'll look around the table
(Like you)
and you will
(Like me)
catch my eye
and we will look away
me before you.

and that will continue until we both
tank.

the winner is:
whoever figures out why this is a game, Coincidence, or a Plot,. and Mentions it tomorrow.

shall we begin?