So this is the last post for a while, being a week (oh thats so long!), since my computer is going to be wiped out completely in Toronto (the guy whos doing it lives there), given a new memory, and all that jazz, upgraded a bit to Windows XP. huzzah! no more stupid! anyway, no internet, blogger, email, MSN, NOTHING, for a week. oh the pain.
which means my communication with the outside world is about to crash into oblivion. hey man, the internet is the only way I talk to people. no one calls me, ever, and I dont call because i dont do that often anyway.. not unless im REALLY bored. but... yeah.

anyway, i guess this is it. oh, im sad now... NOT. it's a flippin' computer. I can live without it, I guess.... no email. hey! thats a good thing! right???
right?

ok, whatever. someone call me
4635
stirling

I'm always bored

NO ONE EMAILS ME ANYMORE

and the count for profile views is 235....

someone PLEASE tell me who that is!

Favourite Saps

I've decided to type out my favourite moments *so far* with some people. If you're not down here, it's by accident. I can't think of everything at once... but I still love you dearly.

so, who shall we start off with?...ALLIE, since i saw her last.

Allie:
Kicking ASS at trumpet for West Side Story. Man, you kicked so much ass with that. You rock the world, man, you kept it together. And really any band rehearsal with you rocked.

Bram:
theres two, sorry man.
Buying 177$ worth of CDs at once, and hearing him say "holy Crap"
YOU getting sore fingers from playing a stringed instrument. yes, i mean Bonarlaw
(three, sorry)
"I'm sorry, is my aura blinding you?" See, we were making fun of how amazing you are at everything and crap, and it was in that small room we all hung out in (until we got so sick of the constant sweaty heat-ness), and the lights were off. then you opened the door to leave, and Alex Tucker was squinting from the light, and you paused, and you said that. it was funny. now you know... maybe.

Chris:
Jesse James is a Monster Garage.

James:
You being stupid with Chris. there are so many times that go with that, but lets say my birthday party(psh, party?) when you stole the stocking from Crabby Joes. you are pure evil.

Jennifer:
DON-TAA! almost anything you screech rules, but I would say making that list of nick names with you and Emma during Exam time in.... february...ish... anyway, making that list and taking all of those tests. it was fun.

Calista:
Bonfires! and the noodle. oh beaches and heat... beaches and heat... that should be a song. write it! GO!

Gram:
Why am I Exstacy? Why am I a human drug??

Aric:
the recording from Bonarlaw, and that breif moment of silence, only filled with you saying "Remember when Chantal Puked?" loudly. man, anything with you is made fun. you are the fun.

Edward:
I wasn't there when you were CAUGHT DRUNK AT THE SCHOOL DANCE, so i'll skip that... the day you came back and Mr.G gave that big, important speech... it was perfection. but i will always remember that... and the officer obvious-ness.

Angus:
any sort of conversation we've had has been pretty neat. So, i guess those few long emails, the going-to-your-house-but-you-not-being-there-and-then-amking-up-a-whole-story-about-it-later... too bad you missed it...
And you saying I was beautiful...
YEAH, I REMEMBERED! I remember everyone who says that. it's that rare. anyway, Thanks.

I could have sworn there were more people, but it seems that was the end. there are, but yeah... it's 11:30 pm, i've been awake a long time, at work, at dads... I'm sleepy. I guess the only reason I typed this up out of Sappiness, was because school is starting up again soon, and I've finally realized none of you are going to be there, for once. In grade nine, I knew you guys but you didn't know me. well, at least. Now, just as I'm getting into the swing of things with you, you're all leaving! oh the curse of being friends with older people. they leave you first. frig. thats annoying, eh? anyway, I figured I would put that stuff down, simply because I can, and it's MY blog.
and hey, you know what? maybe it's a trend you should all get into... or not. meh. anyway, I'll miss you guys lots. I hope to hang out with you all again, catch up, live, etc etc...

I'll be thinking of you all the time
:D

I'm glad I don't work Fridays

It's busy over there, man...

Oh boy. I need to get back into painting or something. i need a friggen LIFE.

I've decided I love Frank Sinatra. I love that music, man! it's just so classy and fun and... yeah. I love it. I'm a girl. thats the sort of music I want to sing, it's just so fun and... FRIG, what is the word I want????? oh I give up on that. anyway, I just had to say it.

Oh blue eyes...:D

Why the hell am I up this early????????

483276273-8756425840

yay numbers.

my boss wants me to get my propane license thing, since only the Yoo's, and jeff have them. i dont want one! its a waste of money, since im not sticking around for more than a year. oivay. i hardly work as it is anyway, whats the point? im lazy!

eew, propane stinks too. lol. i like to whine.

What did I achieve?

oh yeah

so today, man, today wasn't bad. I got my schedule at LAST. i start off with a spare. excellent, no thinking until second, when i have music, then MSIP in the art room, then lunch, then world history, then art. i like it. i forget second semester already, but, meh.

also, i went driving with Hal today... hehehehe. poor Angus. yeah, we stopped by, he wasn't there, hal used his bathroom, then we tried to leave... but the car didn't start. it did eventually, but imagine if it didn't.... lol.

and tonight? I DROVE THE TRUCK! YEAH! i backed it out of the Pro, and drove it to dads. YAY! i drove it! the spedometer doesn't work, the brake is wierd, and i had to be careful going around corners, but it was great! YAY!

thats all, i think I have to pay 58$ to the school, find out what bus im taking and when it picks up, etc etc, and yeah... thats all.

choke

Three years, going on four, and it hurts more now than ever. why? who the fuck knows. because we're closer? because i know more things? because the time is coming for him to leave, maybe? because I'm bored out of my mind? who knows... but every day I think of him more and more, and it just hurts more and more. My heart takes a leap and lands with a painful crack, snap, whatever sound makes you sick to your stomach. I choke whenever I think of him. I see his face, I choke, I look away, hide from everyone what is bound to come out soon. This is going to kill me. Where could I possibly go with this? I can't go on with this. I'm going to die from it, I can feel it, everything inside of me collapsing from the pressure. A structure that's been losing all of its support beams, finally beginning to crumble to dust inside of my body.
How do I live like this for much longer? Is there a reason for this at my age? How does everyone go on with their life if they all feel like this at some point? How could they possibly stand three years, three years of constant pining for one person? How does that work?
I thought I was supposed to get over this a long time ago. I almost did, I thought...
I thought wrong, obviously.



for fuck's sake, don't classify me as another one of *those* girls. some of you didn't even know I felt that way. that should say something, shouldn't it?

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here

So the week ended well, I suppose. I went driving with Halesha friday night into the later hours of a little after ten or so. yup. thats it, i think.

i went to a cornroast today, in the county (where else would there be a corn roast????) where Dawns parents live. Dawn is my dads girlfriend. anyway, went out there today with my Brother and Hal, and i was in the back of the Firebird, just staring out through the sunroof at the few clouds up there. it was just neat, moving along at about 90KM while the clouds were hardly moving at all, just slowly crawling across the sky while I whizzed along far below. of course, i know they're probably going faster than I was, but the illusion was beautiful. I love those little moments where things seem so different and strange, when in fact they're common and just.. normal, i suppose. I dont know, no real way to describe it.

anyway, thats my day. Grat. Thursday is Calista's thing, but thats the night i work... so i'm going to have to work on that, assuming my mother lets me go. she's been so stupid lately. I think she's getting clingy, thinking I'm going to be just like patrick and Move out, ruin my life or something. frig.

stupid school hasn't sent my schedule yet either. THATS stupid. emily isn't too happy today. grachkagbul.

days are getting to be very slow, painfully dull and slow and... sucky. I wish I had my G2 NOW, so i could drive places on my own and what not. wouldn't that be great?
time is really messing with my head. the thought that school is little more than two weeks away hasn't sunk in yet, but now, instead of time passing quicker than I'm used to, it's going very slow. the fifteenth feels like two weeks ago, but it was last week, friday feels like a week ago, but it was a few days ago. things are getting very wierd with my head right now, I'm not making sense to myself. i've had a headache every day since Bonarlaw at the least, probably before then too, since I remember headaches before then... but now it's constant. goes away when i finally fall asleep, comes back not long after I'm awake again. I dont know what it is. not the heat, since its getting cold (THATS stupid too), so I'm confused. oivay. maybe it'll get better when I'm actually USING my head, for school and what not. Maybe boredom is giving me headaches.
at least when school starts It shouldn't be SO noticable, unless it's really bad. School=work=thought=distraction. Hurrah!

thursday.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. is this an over-nighter thing, or what? well, ill have to talk to mum about that yet, won't I?

Wooooh Fee, You're tryin to live a life that's completely free!

Yuppers!

YD classes started Monday. and they DON'T suck. I sat down, and I thought "This sucks" Until this strange kid sits down beside me.. because I have cool pants (green kapris)

ALEX!

Alex! he's cool! So, he's completely whacky, and you know why?
He's friends with Gram! Gram Scott! so, thats funny... that, and the fact that half of the people he knows I know. he knows Half of the people I know! thats so awesome!
and it's funny, because we just started talking... and now we're the class smartasses/dumbasses!
So, He made YD better, and now I have more friends!... well, there at least. But yeah, everything is bearable! hurrah for funny people!

the other funny part is that I have to keep hidden that I'm Gords step daughter. so, it's like this giant scheme: I can't let Everett (My instructor) know that I live with Gord, his co-worker/opponent.... hehehe, the grand scheme. and its funny, because Gords already taught me half of the stuff everetts going through with us. buahaha, hurrah for being ahead of the game!



sigh

School, three weeks. three weeks, man.. less than that and things are going to start getting very... Murky. Murky, yes, murky, that's the word. well, lets think about it: Boy is going to get home before those three weeks are up, and read email, sent... a month ago. and then what? Who knows? I don't! thats the hard part. I don't know what the reaction will be, but soon the time for waiting will be gone. ALLLLLL gone. and it will come, occur, pass on.

but right now, I'm happy. I feel like playing guitar, or painting, and tomorrow when I wake up, my one day off from YD and work this week, i'm going to re-arrange my room around, so I have that blue table open to work on for school and shite, and I'm going to change my stereo system around, all that jazz... It will be fun!

heh, Alex also invited me into his band. thats funny!

Ciao for now!

If I were a Paranoid Paradox....

I am His total opposite, but I decide to try him instead, not the one I have more in common with. I'm going against the grain as hard as possible, when I actually have another option... and I'm going to lose this game, even if I went the other way. I'm going to ruin another friendship because of my change and actions. And that leaves me here, as usual, alone, as usual, without any sort of comfort that can empathize... and empathy is the greatest comfort, next to being left alone. I'm paranoid of the other people in my boat, and the people I can talk to are on land, and aren't even waving at me, though they see me. Now I'm just waiting for the tide to come in or out, to get my other leg in the boat, see if I actually sit in any particular spot, if I'm a category, text-book example.

My Day

Ferrrriggggggg.
Last night at work was HELL... until about 8:30, when people stopped showing up and actually went to the Fair. But before then, it was hell. ALWAYS people coming in, going, god they wouldn't get lost! and there were annoying people, at that.
This stupid woman was bitching at me when I was cleaning the laundromat, when I'm supposed to have my "alone time"... she just started bitching about how the dryers had cooked her whites to a yellow
"Cold water in the washers and cooked clothes... yup, thats about 400$ of clothes ruined. I should have expected less in a low-life place like this"
I'm thinking:
"Why are you bitching at me? I had nothing to do with your clothing. leave me alone, i did nothing, stop bitching at me because it wont help you"
friggen people. I hate people sometimes.

I'm also on Stand by for sunday, since Julie's going to have her kid at ANY moment now. she was having labour pains, i mean... yeah. thats close. very close.

But today has been good so far. it's going to be REALLY busy at the pro tonight, until later, but today has been good. Went to the mall and baught a new CD case (Badly needed), and got (at Sams):
Rush - Feedback
Gordon Lightfoot - Summer Side of Life
Bob Dylan, the essential (2 cds)
tom Petty - The last DJ
Miles Davis - the complete birth of the cool
Bob Marley - ????greatest hits i think
Phish - Junta (2 cds)

yup. good day. Lots of music, man, lots of it. i love it. i'm listening to Phish right now and loving it. Boo-Ya!
anyway, theres the day in a nutshell.... right now I'm just waiting to go to work, where I can spend another 6 hours in hell. oi. People make it worth it, just like People make it Hell. it can go either way too easily... which sucks.

FUN-KAY!

Crowded House

Wow... me and 80's music... I love this song! Don't Dream, it's over by Crowded House. Its on the stand, and I only remembered it last night when it came on the radio at about midnight. ha, go figure! that's the only way i remember things.... not really.

oivay. I have to work tonight, tomorrow night, and saturday night... and the fucking FAIR is in town. stupid fair! it's going to be busy! DAMNIT! frig, people coming home from the fair, going to it, getting gas and shit.... errrrrrrr! i hate business! I'm too lazy to handle all that shit..
well, at least time should pass quicker, right?
actually, that only happens if I'm lucky. sometimes time doesn't pass quicker, and it's a pain in the arse.
funny how that is, eh? It's the same measurement all the time, but sometimes it's slower, sometimes faster.... oh time, what a pain in the ass you are.

i need a passport too. I went to the post office but they were all out. evil people. ill get that tomorrow, assuming some have arrived. I need it!
I need a Noooooodle!

next week my YD classes start too. monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, 9AM - 3:30PM........ hey! i'm at school again! only this time, no course(s) I actually LIKE. stupid YD, i hate you...i hate everything today. Emily is very grumpy today, and her head hurts.

stupid me! I rented a movie yesterday and never got to watch it! Emma caught me just rolling out of bed at lunch (that seems familiar) and then we went downtown to eat POUTINE at jim's, and we ran into Tom et al, and agreed to meet them after they were finished rehearsals.... between those times we went to the dollar store, chocolatier to see Allie, then to the music store so emma could have her lesson, then to the theatre.... after we went to emmas, burned board games, and watched Little Shop of Horrors. I liked it.
but I never watched the human stain.
Stupid me! I'll rent a movie tonight too before I head home... and then what? not watch it, because something will come up tomorrow too, and then I'll return it when I go to work and when I'm asked how it was, I'll say "No Idea: never watched it" because
I'M A LOSER!
being a loser is easy!

-sneeze-

hey! the hurricane! I love this song too!
well, Emily's done for today... unless there's another car crash by the store.. who knows? there might be!

I'm an optimist!
-not

Holy SHIT

i just got film from Bonarlaw...not too impressive, but hey! theres one picture in there I DO NOT remember... at all. i didn't know I was in a picture...

oh man...

115 profile views...


WHAT?

Who's looking in there? Whoever is, leave a comment or something, so i have some idea of who is actually looking in that thing. holy CRAP, that's a lot...

I have no life, I'm so stupid. like that last one with sound... i got bored.
I watched Dazed and Confused, but I still haven't seen the start of it, because I never clue in to these things in time for the very beginning. damnit.

well, i'm waiting for work tonight. oh yay, hooray! need money though. money money money.

"I like Bongs. bongy-bong-bong"

TURN ON YOUR SOUND

I mean it, turn it on, You're going to hear something....




Turn it ON.



not off, On.












Is it on?















Turn your sound on

Ciao...

You know, this past week has been a good week.
I haven't been as shitty as the previous weeks. I've actually been in a better mood! Of course, I still go down, and I'm getting down again as I type, but in all honesty, this was a good week, something I've missed.
right now my wrists are killing me, aching like assholes. I could really use something on them right now, but I haven't the slightest clue what would work. complaining isn't enough in my household,-grins-

I went to dads today, spent some time out there, watched Robocop - the TV series-... oh boy. I wont get into that.
then I tried to watch batman. I LOVE BATMAN. I don't know, it was a movie from my little days, and I still love it... but I couldn't watch the end because the DVD went bad, and then after we found the VHS, we got watching this movie on TV called Orlando.
that was a creepy film.
I also had liver for the first time. not a fan of it either. The texture was very gritty, and i wasn't all for the taste either. so i ate my piece and didn't get seconds. theres my night right there, add in some cursing from dad, bananas and milk and popsicles, and there you go. I love my dad.

So, i'm home again, here again, as I am every night. what a horrible routine my life has become. Wake up, spend time here or infront of the TV, go to work (if thats in the game plan), come home, sit here until the early hours, then sleep...repeat.
once in a while I go out, make a run down town to the drug store or bank, maybe the Chocolatier to see Allie... thats it.
so, that makes this past week even better! get past the party bit, and there's the going-out-with-calista-and-angus every other night... i think....
well, ok, i went out with those two once, almost twice, and then to angus's again with steve.
I don't get out that much on average, so it just made the week go by a lot quicker, therefore making the summer go quicker. It felt like the summer really has gone by quickly today. I just got thinking about it, and how I was still feeling like I was in the middle of July... and the first week of August, the month i've been waiting for, has already passed.
WOW! one month and back to school for one more year, and then I get to live my current routine for the rest of my life! Hooray!
ugh.
can you tell I'm getting down again?
mm, milk.

well, to those who read this thing, feel free to drop by any time. I'm just about ALWAYS home.. but not monday-Thursday-Saturday nights.
give me a call, email (almost typed my own name in there - OH! Matilda is a cool name), drop by, whatever, SAVE ME FROM MY BORING SUMMER.
or not, either way.

well, once again, sweet dreams

It's Reverse Day!

This afternoon is taking a painfully long time to END.... not that I would want it to, since that means I have to drive somewhere.... but the night is always better...
unless you can't do anything...heh.

So, i woke up today and decided to wear my pajama top (tank top) still.... but with another shirt.... but not in that order.
heh, people stared. i love it. I have a t-shirt on and my tank top over it. i love it! i went to the store and Ki was like
"What a unique outfit, emily."
hehe, yeah, i'm wierd. well, for once I woke up and felt like being stupid ALL day.
frig, I was riding my bike downtown (since I retreived it the other night from Patrick) and my one stupid red sandal went flying off and under my front wheel! stupid thing.
"Hey, thats not right!" I yelled, in the middle of an empty street, turned my bike around, and retrieved my sandal...
I hate those things. they're fun, but fucking annoying! they fly off at random times, just to spite me! grrr, evil...

long boring day today, incase you haven't noticed. I went out, got some signs for my room (Private property, keep out! - Help Wanted) to go with my No Fishing sign... and I got a No Smoking sign, but I'm thinking I'm going to give it to someone, just as a joke. thats my humour.
hehe, no smoking, thats a good one-
psh.
headache!!!!!!!!
so, this week has been the better of past weeks. i dont know, i haven't been quite so... lazy? no... down. there you go. I'm in an UP period right now, hopefully it won't go away anytime soon either.
but, when I'm up, I'm bored even MORE out of my mind, and it doesn't help when i'm technically grounded from any late night activities, the only activities that are any good...
oivay, what a life i live. NOT. i have no life, man, you should know that.
Bon Echo this weekend, for those who are going. HAVE FUN GUYS! take pictures for Emily!
oh, pictures, oooooooooooo
i have to go out with my mom and Gord tonight for dinner... after driving, of course, which will be fucking hell, because it will be with Gord, and I hate driving with gord, because he thinks he's king shit, and yes im rambling on as long as I can. I"M BORED, and used the wrong marks but meh.
GLOOOOOOOOOOOOORIA! ALL NIGHT! ALL DAY! knutknutknut
need tylenol, or some better form of painkillers. fuckin' eh!
cold feet
well, thats enough for now, I suppose, BUT I'LL BE BACK

Concern or Selfishness?

Ok, you know what sucks?
Parents!
well, not really, but tonight they do.
So, it's ten to eleven at night, and Angus and Calista come in, and they're headed out to Scotts for a Bonfire. and they ask me to come.

I call my mom, ask, she says no, because:
I got home around 2AM this past morning from Angus's....

No more late nights, she said, not for a while.

so, i ignored her, whatever, and asked anyway. NOPE. no bonfire for emily.

but WHY?
why the hell will they make me stay in the house, infront of a computer until just as late as I would have been out, when i could be talking with my friends? do they WANT me to be a shut in?
errr

i understand if they are concerned about me, but that seems selfish to me. Make me be miserable and anti-social (When I'm clearly TRYING [for once] Not to be), so they can fell better at night about knowing im in the same house...

meanies.

i'll be up late anyway, no matter what. so why can't I be more productive about it and get OUT of the house? this place is making me sick the more I'm in it.
what harm is in staying out at night with my friends? four people, sitting around a bonfire talking: Whats wrong with that? wheres the horrible threat that could kill me at any moment? BEAR! FIRE! AIR! OH SHIT, SHE COULD DIE, ALL BECAUSE SHE WAS OUT LATE WITH FRIENDS.
errr.

anyway, other than that... boring day. watched Ned Kelly.... too much dramatic music where it would have been better without any. sigh. i should kick these people's asses and make fucking awesome films, just to spite them.
but yeah, thats all. Tim Muzik was in for a bit with Sarah Kovach, talked to him for a bit,
then Angus and Calista showed up. we all know that now.

well, sweet dreams to those who don't expect them

Fire in the Hole!

thats life my friend, that is life.

i sent an email a while back to someone, and i'm beginning to think it was a mistake. I just have this terrible feeling that I've done it again, that i've screwed myself over again...

that looks simple, but it's not simple in the least bit. it doesn't feel simple, at least, but what really does feel simple when it comes to this stuff, right?
Come on, I've been in love with this one person ever since I started highschool, and I really was convinced that I was falling for this other person. But every time I see him, I can't help but fall back into that feeling of... well, what is it? amazement? no, it's close to that though. i can't help but feel IT again, it never goes away...
so, did I make a mistake?
I think that, but then I have to tell myself that it's more than likely I'm always going to be like this. I'm always going to love him. So, it's either move on at some point or dwell until I'm old and alone and without family and friends...
sometimes that last one looks more appealing than the first one.
I guess I'm not ready to move on yet if I'm like this....or something. I thought I was ready, but Not anymore

well, theres that in my life, then there's this depression thing.
Today, I think, today I will tell my mom I should see a doctor....
everyday I think that
and it never happens.
How do you say that, anyway? I would tell my dad, but I never see him enough. the last thing I want to do is ruin a visit out there by saying I'm severely depressed. thats not something that would brighten my life after a long day of work.
so, how do you say that?

theres that in my life too.

and now i'm thinking about my future more and more. I don't have a good chance to get into school or music at all. thats going to be something I do on my own, sadly...well, maybe not sadly. maybe thats a good thing. I suppose the only way I'll get into school would be for art, but sometimes I can't help but think that won't happen either. What are the chances, once again?
I don't want to go sometimes. I just want to stick with my first plan, move to some bigger city, maybe Ottawa or Toronto, with a few people, and just work and do what I do best, on my own, freelance!

So much easier said than done.

Theres no place in the world for the freelance artist. I don't want to do commercial shit like that, I want to PAINT. I want to see what I can, remember it, paint it, transform it into some universal form, and I don't care if I make money off of it. I just want to do it. Photography, paint, draw, compose, everything.... But i wouldn't survive.
well, who cares? At least I lived, right?'
of course, I'd like to see my later years, but if I don't I think I'll be content. I'm content right now If I were to die of some unknown form, simple because of the people I've met, things I've felt... theres more, i know, but If I did die and somehow knew afterwards, I wouldn't feel regret.
I would just miss the people I met.

that felt good. anyway, time for a movie!

PARTY AGAIN

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/takequiz.php?quizname=040802131535-the~p20stupid~p20quiz


You know that quiz your friends thing? there you go, thats what that is. some party-ness in there too, heh