ignore this too

Hey, it's all my favourite people
enjoying a favourite hobby.
The drive is right
and I miss the distance.

and one year later
I'm fighting the urge to
call you up
talk you up like
I have the right to repair
what could have been,
should have seen me

last night
when I fell down a hill.
I thought of you
and shared a laugh
with a girl
smoking in the tub.

I hear a drip,
intimate giggles,
I see hands moving together
in rhyme
what wrong I've done
songs i've sung (i wish)

and I always wish you could hear me here.
come and be near.
like we were special once,
for a moment between years,
like we shared a moment,
over hydro wires.

and for a moment i think
I am between years,
forgetting fears,
and look at me:
I've let loose.

I forgot about troubles
the worst day of my life.

what else could you do?
let me look at you-
I'll erase this face
and draw anew.
fuck it, man
lets get shoed.

Today I saw it:
What life could be like without him.
and I've lived it already for a long time, most of my life, and I can see laughter beyond that point in the horizon, but what comes with the laughter...
Who knows.
I laughed today. I've become the joker here, the weird one, the spunky one. I'm turning into myself.
and even in wanting to me wholy myself, I still see him in me, deep in me, like roots from a willow tree. it doesn't matter what direction I go in, I'm going to see him.
but I can still walk, can't I?

the future is coming upon us, quickly. it's coming and going all the time, opportunities come and gone and come again.
I want to live a life without him. I'm sick of being in love. I'm sick of feeling stuck. I'm sick. I'm feeling very ill...
I am becoming. Socially, I am undergoing changes, as usual.
careerwise- I'm lost. There isn't nothing coming up for me, nothing introducing itself. no opportunities. Chances to make it, chances to be OK.....

don't know.

tired.
avoiding using certain letters.
don't like how I can't even enjoy the music I used to love. everytime I listen to this or that, I hear him singing along to it, I see him in the rear veiw mirror, I feel his presence beside me in a blaring concert hall, and everytime I know he's lost in that music.
music that he gave to me, and music that I gave back.
we shared that.

like it never mattered.
I wish I could love music without loving him.
sometimes I do....
but the music I truly love, sometimes its so hard to listen to now, I have to turn it off, turn him off.
or try to.
I took his pictures down.
but I still look at them.

loneliness sucks sometimes.
but I'm an Engel:
We're supposed to feel lonely all the time. otherwise we're imposters.
those who see go blind.
those who hear go deaf.
those who feel go numb.
those who love regret.
this is our motto.

my motto....

I wish I could fly away and live in my dreams. they're much kinder to me.

When I know what to do, I'll meet you above the grass

I am a fool.
but what else is new?

So, Oakville is here. I'm in it too. and I'm already starting to wonder where I'm going to go next, already planning on leaving.
and alas, I cannot think of a place to go.
which really sucks.
Well, I've had a couple of nights of idiocy and revelations. I just went 24 without sleep and food. some part of me liked it. probably because it forced me into a different light.
I met someone, a "friend" of a friend of mine. and they're happy together.
and it all hit me at once, that night while I tried to sleep in someone elses bed, that I really didn't have a place here afterall. I really don't belong in a friendship with him anymore. I'm no longer thought of.
I know that because we went through the effort of going out of our way (oakville to toronto late at night= not fun, especially when you're stranded there after midnight) to go to see him, because he invited us over.
he shows up late.
and leaves without telling us.
well, as long as hes enjoying himself, being enamoured with her. good for him.
I'm not going back.
I don't want to go back to that house. I don't want to see him for a while, not until I actually have a direction in my life.
I think for once, I'm more than willing to leave and disappear without telling him. not for a reaction, but to actually cut him off. to just... fuck it, you know? get rid of it, or try to.
I just need to get away.
it's terrible too, because I was feeling this way back in Stirling, but it's totally different now. now I'm struggling, more than ever, to find direction in my life. and I always had one pointing to him. and while it's still there, I'm not going to follow it anymore.
and now I have no direction. no idea where to go, nothing is pulling me anywhere, saying anything to me, speaking to me, meaning anything... there's nothing.
What kind of world is this when I can't find anything? no one will hire me. I'm trying to get a fucking job and no one will hire me.
I try to go out and see a friend, and he blows me off. he has before, but this was a little deeper. it hurt a bit more.
fuck. I thought Toronto would be better than this. sure there's culture, but there's no one to go with, to enjoy it with, to share it with the same way that I would see it. Toronto is just a city full of people who don't want anything to do with me.

this fucking sucks.
I want to go away. Just.... take me somewhere else without leaving bills and a cat behind...
why did I let myself get tied down to this? I knew I shouldn't have gone last night. I knew I should have been more careful with myself, but no. stupid girl. stupid stupid girl.
Things are going to be different from now on.
rough too....

i'm one of those people who gets thrown into the air and doesn't know what to do, who disappears from sight and knowledge, someone whos name you forget and don't bother to try and remember.
i am worthless at this moment.

so I'm here in Oakville, and I'm living with two other girls, who have people over in Iraq. It's a different way of life, for sure. Things are strange.
It's interesting, the things I'm missing now. I've been celibate for a couple years now, and I'm living with two very sexual people. well, one isn't going to be now, since her boyfriend is overseas. and there's calista, who is seeing a guy now.
it's weird, being surrounded by it, and almost feeling the pressure to have someone of my own, just to belong a little more.
terrible thing to think, but it's a very subconscious thought too, so it's easy to control.
at the moment, at least.

Things are funny. not haha funny... well, haha too, but not just. I got to talking with my Aunt finally, she apologized for being so avoidant, which... well, I understand, because I'm becoming that way myself. I mean, it hurt a lot, to be left thinking that I didn't matter all that much to my own family.
But moving has high lighted a few facts in life.
For instance: People are actually interested in when I'm going back for a visit, which will be when I get a job and can afford it. hopefully soon.... ugh, god I need something.
It's hard.
I miss my mom. Just to have someone who knows me around. and while she annoys me, like all parents do at some point or other, I miss hearing her in the morning, the way her clothes smell.
I miss clean air, with no one around. I miss that, being able to walk a few minutes and be in the country.
I'm living in the middle of a concrete block with people under, above, and around me. I'm boxed in by the city. it's terrifying.
and I'm on my own.
Stress, relief. I go back and forth through these in the day.
It's stressful in itself.

and for some reason, I always end up being the first one to go to bed, the last one in the livingroom, like now, while they figure out how to send a video overseas.
I love them, they're hilarious, but there is a big part of their life right now that I'm completely apart from.
I guess that keeps me in the real, horrible world I belong in, along with everyone else.

I miss, I miss, I miss, I miss.... I like.... I miss, I miss, I miss....
I won't live in the city forever. I'm here to find myself. I find myself because it's forced on me sooner than it would be far away in nowhere. I'm surrounded by students, working for a future. I'm living with osap, with a girl whos parent pay the bills, with a girl who will end up with a huge debt from loans, and both will be able to live with it because they're students, and learning it.

I still don't know what to do yet, but it's only been a month. I haven't had any better ideas. mostly terrible moments of enlightenment on how the world turns. how dangerous it is to be uneducated, as opposed to just how shameful it makes you feel.

I don't know where to turn on my own. I just want to be with him, and everything will be alright.

and therein lies my greatest mistake