Bob Dylan

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name,
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name,
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a man, a child I'm told
I give him my heart but he wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word,
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

agh

I dont know why I let it get to me.
Because I'm hopeless, I guess.
I'm having a good night, I'm looking forward to things more than I have in the last couple of weeks, and then suddenly
"well, I hear he isn't doing too well. I think hes thinking about moving to Alberta..."
Well...
I hate saying this, but the biggest bonus of moving away was gettin closer to him again. or at least catching up with him.
and now... oh... well, that might be happening anymore.
But we don't actually KNOW.
So, I'm a big girl, and I will try to, you know, act like a big girl...
but its hard once in a while, to have all of your hopes for that part of life just thrown into the dark.
and I don't have hopes that high.
I'm ok with not BEING with him. I guess. I mean, I would rather, of course, but it won't happen.
But I... never wanted to lose him. to the other side of the country, no less...

*sigh*

I miss him like crazy. I want to see him. I want to be able to sit and have conversations with him, like we did for a while. I want that back.

what would I be doing without him? I would be afraid of doing anything with MY life, for once, and him coming back.
Of course.
He has a life, I don't, I see him more often. Its hard to, but I see him.
He goes to Alberta, has a life. gets along better than he is now.
I wait...
nothing...
Ok, I'm going to school, I'm starting my own fucking life now. because, I have been trying to live within his for too long, and I don't know who I am yet.
Ok.
Lets do that...
Oh look, he's coming back...

fuck...

No right answer.
There is no answer to life. I should know that.

But I've already sort of decided.
School. Photography. Its stupid, because anyone can be a photographer... but it's all I can think of. Write while I'm at it, hopefully....

but no men.
I'm sticking to that damnit.

fuck...........
I should do something about this... maybe this will be the time.... or not. too typical. Thats corny and ghey when girls do that. or even men. its annoying....
Maybe I'll hint at it after a while. Not that I WANT something... but that I care.
Because I do.. right?

ok....
time to distract.

to tattoo

Ava

















Ava and Kirsten.

so I'm still alive. Blogger is falling apart, I believe. Who knows.
Work in half an hour+.
Moving in ten days to the city. There's the change.
Wait, wheres the change????? ooooh yeah!
Going to sleep has been a scary experience. just because I know pretty soon that I won't be sleeping in my comfy, lived in bedroom, and I have to restart in a cold, rather... retarded place. yeah, retarded was the only word I could think of to fit that description.
anyway...
mother came home yesterday from her Mary Kay thang. She seemed put off by me a bit. not angry or anything, but not a lot of words passed between us. and its strange, because I already miss her, and I know she misses me already, but last night (and this morning) we aren't talking much.
But ava is coming over again today (such a beautiful baby. she's going to be a heartbreaker. seriously. Ill post one of her), so when I'm off work, I'll sit with the two of them. look at that, three generations. too bad ava isn't mine, ha! not yet.

those are some of the other thoughts going through my mind lately. not of dating, I don't want to date... but I want to settle on something, for once. I haven't done that before. I haven't made a clear decision in a while. On whether or not I want to be alone, if I want to talk to him about things. if I'll even find him. I haven't talked to him in a while. I hope he's still there...

Lately things have been twisting into totally different... whats the word... ok, I'm not good with words today... THINGS. THINGS are changing into really fucked up THINGS. So it's bothering me a bit, how much some things are changing.

for instance:
I'm about to move out of my mothers house. Big step for me. So big, infact, that I'm finding it very daunting, and exhausting, just working up to it. I'm sure things will be a lot smoother (cross fingers) after the move... but right now, all that solidity I had worked so hard on, is coming out from under me...
its pissing me off, in a way. FUCK man?!

alright... I need to work. Another issue there: MONEY. Someone called me yesterday about a job. I called her back. She asked to call me back.
never did.
fuck. I need a job!

she was born in a cottage
two weeks too late
spent the rest of her life
making up for the delay.

had a babe at seventeen
another one at twenty.
lost the first to the war,
the second never came back home.

her lover died in the arms
of another woman
a waitress at the local salon
her man waiting at home.

sold her car, lost her house
even tried to kick it
but When she died, no one knew
and never would

Zoey growy

Is this how people Grow Up? to get their hopes up for something that would be, not quite ideal, but good enough to help themselves... and then have it stolen.

I put all my eggs in this basket, and its just been thrown off a fucking building.
I had so much hope in this. I was going to move, I was going to find direction, subject for writing. I was going to be inspired, happier, i was going to follow him to the GTA, I was going to find myself....

and I can't anymore.

I'm trapped....
and no one believes me. No one will help me. no one is here to save me from myself....

I'm so hopeless, I can't feel anything. I can't imagine feeling anything.
I am...

am I? Am I even alive anymore?

I wish I was back in my childhood, before I became tainted. the experience of tainting is terrible. the event... the occurance...
the aftermath...

all the people I love are gone. and I tried to follow them... and they're gone. they're far away.

someone hold me... please?

aaaah fuck.

All this trouble, for what? my parents to pull out because someone didn't pay rent when they were supposed to, and they don't want to be on the hook for it.
or hell... .maybe my cheque didn't make it or something. maybe the money from me got lost because I got one digit wrong in the area code (despite there not being another area code like the one I put down).
maybe this is all a mistake....

either way...

things are suddenly terrifyingly dangerous. I could be stuck in stirling....
i could be screwed.

correction:
I AM screwed.
I think i just lost an apartment...
along with 900$....

fucking... why can't people give a shit

you know, there's a reason I asked my mother to cosign for this apartment.
First off, she's my mother. I don't mind being legally bound to her if things fall apart, because thats how we've both lived for, oh, 18 years or so.
Second, I never wanted to ask my dad. I never like asking things of him, because I feel guilty everytime I do.
third:
I never wanted to ask gord, because he is the last person I would ever want to be legally bound to.
Because he's a douche bag.
I mean, I have a hard time at work, because I have to deal with Idiocy on such an extreme level, it's hard to believe it's over Gas, or Chips, or Water.
It's unbelievable.
And somehow, no one in this house, ESPECIALLY Gord, seems to understand why watching Discovery Channel, or reading up on random things I find online, its a relief. No one understands why I don't drink. Why? Is it really that hard to think that maybe I've dealt with enough stupidity today that I'm trying to eliminate what could potentially show up later on?
I mean, I get home, I want to watch Daily show, colbert report, Mythbusters, anything on discovery, because its a little more intelligent than fuckin... Baseball.
Why is that so hard?

So why is it so hard for this man to understand that it doesn't matter what time we leave in the day, we're going to hit traffic when we get there? Why doesn't he get it. Why.
i'm asking way too many questions in the blog lately. But it's getting so frustrating.
I never wanted this man to cosign for this lease, but my mother didn't have time to take me to oakville. she never has time for me. so i had to take him. and now I have to listen to him.
I shouldn't have to listen to a retard. retards don't know any better. they have no sense.
I'm so pissed off right now.
there's no reason for any of this, it's being made much more complicated than it needs to be, and he's trying to shove down my throat that this is how things are done.
ITS NOT.
It SHOULDNT be.

just... abduct me from this effing planet. please.

Fathers of disfigured

I must be the only person feeling this right now, besides the person who I didn't think would feel it.

my brother has left his fiance.
Who even knows why. His reasons seemed to be simple frustration. nothing more.
And more is what we need.
What a fool he is.
Does he now care how Ava will feel while she grows up? Does he not care that she woke up in the night saying "daddy? Daddy?" and could not find him?
Does he not feel PAIN? Does he not fear that Halesha will move away, and he will not see his little girl frow up?
Why is this normal? Why is it okay to bring a child into the world, and deprive them of the "family"? Why is this normal... It isn't.
He must have felt nothing at my parents divorce. Nothing but gain. neutraility. I just don't understand...
and my mother... good god. I tell her what happened with them, and she moves on to her home business. she has better things to worry about, like spending her time on fixing faces with creams and potions...
I don't understand this. Why is this passing so easily? like its all normal, all in a days work...

My brother is a fool.
Nothing but pain will follow this. Nothing.
And no one will pay the attention needed. No one nurture what needs to grow. No one will hear Ava crying, except for the mother who was left behind, alone with her.
How could he just leave? How could he be silent for so long, and scream about no one hearing him? How could he just go?

Why can't this be fixed?

fuck.
Why does my entire family have to be like this?
Everytime I try to socialize with any of them, i get my fuckin head torn off. Jesus, Do they honestly think I LIKE sitting in my room alone all the time? do they ever think that maybe I'd like to sit down and catch up, or just have a beer? or something?
the only exception to this is my dad, and thats because he seems to be the only other person in my family who notices this. fuck.
I miss my brother. I miss my grandmother, my aunt, my uncle. I miss my mother, even though I LIVE with her. I miss my neice. I miss being with people that I don't need to explain myself to (anymore, at least). or rather, who don't ask. I miss being with people who look at me as a fellow being, as opposed to another girl, or young kid. I miss it, damnit. AND THEY DONT EVEN FUCKING CARE.

I just... want to see them, and be sure they're ok, doing well, happy in SOME way...
fuck.
I want to see my grandmother again, before she gets sick or anything. I want to get to know her better, I want to know her life story, the shit shes seen and done. ditto for my dad and my mum, my aunt. all of them. I want to know them.
and I want them to give a shit about it, and put aside their anti-social behaviour for me, someone who it's safe to be around, who would never judge her own family, flesh and blood.
WHY can't they see that?

why is it so hard to believe that some peoples lives DON'T revolve around sex?
Why is it so hard to imagine that some people don't THINK about sex?
Is it that hard to think that maybe I want an Intellectual relationship, without any sex?
how about, is it hard to believe that I'm friends with these guys, and have no thoughts of screwing them? how is that seen as a miracle? or... anything like that?
It's pissing me off. I'm sick of people asking if I have a boyfriend, if I've been on any dates, or making any kind of reference to me dating (or not dating), as if It's a normal thing.
well, how about you all get it through your thick fuckin skulls:
I DONT WANT TO FUCK ANYONE. I DONT WANT TO KISS ANYONE. I DONT WANT TO SNUGGLE. I DONT RELY ON MEN AND THEIR PENIS'.
GET USED TO IT.
I hate people pushing that on me. I don't want to be involved with anyone in that way. why is it so hard to believe that i have no alterior motives that revolve around sex? why am *I* the strange one, for not being pre-occupied by sex?WHO NEEDS SEX?maybe thats why Aliens are so far advanced. they don't have the physical ambitions that we seem to be obsessed with. they only fuck to continue their race, their intelligence.why can't you leave me alone, and stop trying to force-feed men to me?or any kind of SEX.god, why can't this society just leave me the fuck alone, so I can just... live...

You know, it's a difficult thing, to want to say something as simple as "I miss you", and have it be so complicated.
Sure, a friend can say to another friend "I miss you!"... but it usually only works out well is they are of the same sex.
as soon as it comes to a Boy-Girl friendship, platonic I suppose, things get murky. You say "I miss you" to your friend, who's off living his life, whats to keep him from wondering "does she like me or something?"
and that's not something I would want him to wonder about, contrary to popular behaviour amongst fellow females.

I just don't like being so inhibited. thats why I changed my Blog address. I had no idea who reading it anymore, so I changed, gave it to a couple people, asked them NOT to pass it around, and now I have a better idea of who is (or ISN'T) reading it. Now I can write things like this.

Without him reading about it.
we don't need him reading about himself, or the feelings of yet another woman towards him.

guh.

I just wish I could say "I miss you" without it turning out weird.
I with I could express myself, without people second guessing it, looking for alternate objectives. I don't exactly have any objectives here.
If I did, it would be to avoid this at all costs.
hence celibacy...

I'm done.

The Crazy Colourful one has gloss on it. the other two were just done today, and thus have no gloss on them yet.

This is what eventually happens. not when I'm BORED, but when I have an actual Idea.

paintings.