coffee

I've traced your footsteps ten times now
and lost count a year ago.
your number isn't ringing in my head anymore,
another boy does that now.

does it hurt to know that you're not under my skin anymore?
in this town where the gossip comes with free coffee

but I wish you would call me still,
because these long nights are full of endless wonderings
and the new boy just doesn't have your eyes
and his shoulders aren't the same.

the restaurant is a five minute walk from my mothers,
and I don't mind sitting alone at the bar anymore.
I can't decide how to label you in my life (maybe I won't)
in this town where the gossip comes with free coffee
but you wake me up in the morning, still,
and I'm glad I don't drink coffee

-bye bye post-

every slide I take
another layer of you rubs off
from my tips
high above my head
singing words I haven't written yet

but my foots asleep now
and i cant keep playing this chord
so tell me piano man
where should we go now?

I don't shave my legs
I like to think I have better things to worry about.
My perfume is too old
along with all those other feminine things hanging around

I don't brush my hair
I think the wild and free look is good on me
I don't return calls
Because deep down I know
You don't really want me
to

You're too polite
but your manners in bed are less than desired
You're handsome
and the conversations good, but not so much for you

It was good
those two nights we had before I moved home
But this town
Is all opinion and no discussion
All farmers, no reapers
here

I smoke
too many cigarettes when i get drunk and
I stay up
later than I should for working the day shift
Because I
am young and I should, and have better things
to worry about
than rest for tomorrow
because
I don't shave my legs

two songs

you came over
you sat at my table
you kicked my leg
you smiled at me.

you didn't take no
so I pushed you out the door
and you came back for more
and you didn't quit smiling

but hey
dont get on that bus
stay another hour with me
stay another night with me
but hey
dont get turned off
its just this once
i swear this once

I said I took some time off
I said I needed to work on stuff
you said "come again?"
I said it again
and still you came back for more

but hey
don't get me wrong
It's just this one time,
just this one night
but hey
don't think I'll turn around
on a dime again
for one time again

But hey,
you're a great guy
why couldn't it be
a bit better for me
but hey
if you would just say
come over again
I'd do it again.

so hey,
don't get on that bus
stay another hour,
stay another night
catch the late bus instead.
catch the early instead




I knocked on your door
again
you grin, say "hello"
again.
every night is the night
with us
but there is no us
in us

So I stop for a while
see that you still smile
when I'm just a stranger
even in danger

I turned off your song
last night
it's getting too long
tonight
this empty silence
in here
Im still hung up you
I fear

So I follow you to the lights
and stay up watching the sights
And take all these notes for you
and lie that there's nothing true

But I got sick of
waiting
So this is my last
song
tomorrow I'm
leaving
and I wont say
so long

You're like a willow tree:
No matter how far I stray from you,
you still run under my feet.
Even when I think I've gotten away from you,
there you are, another version of you,
encarnation of you.
like you were never gone.

How do I tell if this tree I'm under now,
no matter how lovely a change his shade is,
isn't really you?

It seems my fantasies of you
are the acts of escapism.
It seems those feignings
almost came true
the night I dialed the wrong number
and heard a song being sung

But the words didn't rhyme
and the tune wasn't true.
His guitar was shot
and his voice was slew
but everytime he hit that chord
and the bluesman sang "oh lord!"
I hit the ground
and wasn't found
until the daylight shone through.

So sitting in my bed at night
and writing to you a letter too true
I know you'll never read these words
and wonder if somehow, still
you know

that although your song wasn't so kind,
and now that night is far behind
these things echo in small towns
where hidden feilds hold the sounds
you whispered to me
and showed to me.

All I've ever done is live on fantasies. Ones that would never come true, and thus I was able to breath on them without worrying, without seriousness. and all in the deepest of confidence with no one.
the only way I fell asleep last night was because I fantasized that I had someone on the phone, having a "getting to know you" conversation.

that's how I get by in life.

amazing.

And I'm home now.
and I'm hating the fact that the week before I leave, a great guy decides to fool around with me. yeah, just fooling around, but I like hanging out with him, as in, for conversation and being stupid, you know? I don't get that anymore! and NOW he acts like it.
FUCK ME RUNNING SIDEWAYS IN STILLETTOES.

god damnit. god fucking damnit.
what the fuck am I supposed to do with myself now? I'm so fucking lonely, and I desperately want the old days back, where I could run to belleville and be ok. where everyone I wanted to see was right there in the same place.
and I have nothing. I have nothing here for me, i have nothing anywhere. just illusions in oakville, and devious smiles here.

the people here are different. and while I wanted to come home, and I'm glad I did in a sense... I wish I could have taken some of them with me.
I just wish... I belonged somewhere, and felt it, and the people I loved gravitated to that place.
I wish I could find whatever it is thats makin me feel so mpty and sad right now, and so fucking alone, and wishing to fool around some more.
god damnit...
my life has no direction. and maybe I'm supposed to be lost like this, to bring certain things about that my personality is prone to anyway...

god damn. the worse part is...
I think I actually like dan.
and that hurts because I haven't exactly liked someone in a long time, and then I do, and then I move. perfect fucking timing.
even though it was just fooling around, and he said so... I still wish I could do it some more, get some more out of it.. because I'm selfish.
blegh. enough.

I wish I had someone to talk to

explicit?

Well I'm not too sure what to think about that.

Dan came over tonight. to make up for last night.
Things didn't go that well. well, for me. probably not for him either.
We rushed. I would rather go slow in those kinds of matters, but thats just me.

It's been a while since I last had sex, I will admit that, and thus parts of me were.... out of shape, lets just say.
I dunno. I'm not too sur ehow to sum up what exactly happened, since not a lot did happen. it lasted all of five minutes (yeah, crappy. guh.), and we ended up having a better conversation afterwards.
didn't help my self esteem that much, but I felt a little more at ease talking to him at least. which, personally, is more important to me. but i'm a girl, duh.

he left me his number, kind of nice, makes me want to do something tomorrow night. maybe I will, convince cal to get some alcohol and get drunk.

blegh. what a night. didn't go as expected, I barely have any memory of it to hold onto as "the last time i had sex..."
you know those times.

now I'm feeling sleepy (yawn) and watching pretty woman. not a good movie to watch in my state of mind, just another reminder of how no one will ever come save me.

*sigh*

tuesday was better than that! man! at least it lasted longer, even if it was just fingering.
blegh.

I dunno. I don't normally do this sort of thing. At least now I can say I've done almost everything while living here. I lived here. I can say that now. I just don't do that often, let a man in (not literally, jesus).
Mostly because, sometimes you find yourself with a person and you find that you have a good connection. And I don't like that happening often to me, getting casually involved (in the sense of one night stands) means that no matter what kind of connection i might have with this guy, I have to let it go. and its harder for me to do that, since, while he might go along and find another connection easily (probably because hes better looking, and thus more receptive to those things), Those kinds of things don't come along that often for me. I have a hard time finding someone I get along with, who thinks like I do, about the same things and such. whose life is based on similar passions as mine.

so needless to say, tonight was different for me, of course.
and it leaves me feeling empty inside.

I don't ask people out.
it's not something I"m capable of, to approach someone. Not because I'm shy, but because I just don't feel attractive enough to seem "Worth it".
so when someone approaches me, I get nervous. I get that sudden stream of adrenaline, and I remember how nice it was to be with someone.

So when tuesday came around like they normally do, and he decided to make a move on me, I didn't know what to do. I went with it.
and I thought thursday would be a better day, because he would come back over, and make me feel that way again.
but he didn't.

and while I'm not surprised, since i've been warned about him, It's another reminder of how easily I can be discarded. Of the fact that I just don't measure up to the other girls, that I'm just a Spur of the Moment Fuck.

and I could see it in his eyes too, that he wasn't coming back.

goes to show that I'm just not a one night stand person. I need something to hold on to, and something real.

the shitty part is that he was a good kisser.
gah.
everyone I've dated has been a bad bad kisser, and then a good one who knows just what to do with his hands.... turns out to be an asshole, as usual.
I'm so tired of being alone. I've spent six years loving one person, and everytime I try to put all that faith into someone else, it's spat back at me, like it's damaged goods, useless, not nearly as good as the slut dancing in the window at the bar.
there's nowhere to put my faith anymore. I've tried putting it in myself, and I only feel empty. not enough for me, I need more than the average.
I try to put it in him, he doesn't even notice. or does and really doesn't appreciate it.
I put it in geography. but there isn't anyone there to call at night when I need someone, there's no one to see who actually knows me.
There is no one for me.

i've said it a lot in the past, that I've never felt this lonely before. It's not lonliness anymore though. It's more of a feeling that i'm drying out, starting to go stale or something.
I'm only 18, I shouldn't feel this way, I should just be finding out what I want in life.
and i'm so lost in life.
with every hope of a good hand I see being dealt, when I turn over the card, i find something completely different, in direct opposition to what I thought it would be.
every part of me is out to fuck me over.

I move to Oakville for him. He washes himself clean of me. I try without him, and everyone else brushes me off, like it's a trend now.
I move back home.
But everyone here had invested in me leaving and getting a life.
I've failed them too.

there is no right move to make. there isn't one. and for a moment this week, I thought I would be able to experience being a normal young woman living in a city of students. I thought I would be able to feel good for free.
Nothing is for free, stupid fool.

I keep finding myself tempted to call him and leave a message for him, telling one of several things.
That I'm moving back home, and thats it.
That I'm moving back, because of him. what a long message that would end up being.
that i love him, and hang up.

my mind is in the wrong place, my body too. but I can't think of any place to put my mind that would be better than here, or wherever it is now. I haven't found a safer place for it yet.

the feeling of being discarded as excusable, is one of the cruelest feelings one can inflict. I am now worthless, according to everyone in this city.
so at least I'm taking one partially good step for myself. not forward, but aside from this rush of bitterness thats coming at me. Why am I never the girl that people want to get to know? why am I always the one in the corner thats dragged along to everyones dismay? Why is no one ever asking my room mates about me, trying to get to know me? I'm always used to get to another girl, a prettier girl.
I'm so... tired

I can't take it anymore

I love how it's so easy for people to just drop me. not bother calling me back when they say they're coming to see me, never follow through on things, never there. ignoring me.
must be the only thing attractive about me. like I'm wearing a sign that reads in Neon letters "IM EASY TO BLOW OFF"

I miss him like crazy, and I wish I had a friend here right now.
there really is nowhere for me. and no one

pea hen

We have busy minds
where we see other men
who do not love us like
you want to be allowed to.

so we can play these games all night
and both know that
when we go home
we'll wish we hadn't.

if you couldn't see that,
then maybe I'm a fool.
but genius, you're oblivious
to me and what there isn't to see

sometimes it isn't the words spoken,
its the silence between them.
you'd think by now,
from the peahens silence,
you'd get the message somehow.

but how on earth
we got this far,
is still a mystery
to all but me.

and I love that this song
started about a peacock
who knew what to do
with his hands,
and ended up back on you.
like the one before
in a life before.

So lets keep playing this game
into matrimony.
when you're on the plane
remember to think of me

m

So I'm moving back home on sunday. this upcoming sunday. the 12th.
and I can't find boxes anywhere. the damn things just aren't showing up when i need them to, and it's annoying.
but I'm starting to pack what I can, cleaning up and all that shite. It's a bit rough, I hate packing. i hate unpacking too.

I went christmas shopping the other day. I got a chess set (made of some sort of sheet metal) for my dad with little iron figures that are animals instead of standard chess pieces. I got my mom a tea pot, its really nice. I got the kids their gifts too, ava a piggy bank, zach an alarm clock that sounds like a duck, and kirsten a journal.
and it was all very expensive.

so outside of that and tryin to find boxes and all that stuff... I'm tired. Cal is going home today until friday, Lilla is going home thursday night for the weekend, so I won't see her after thursday. there is a possibility of a going away party for me, but there won't be many people going to that. all of two, i suspect.
I just want a blushin russian! (drink)
so, what needs to be done...

I need to change my billing address for my mastercard, I need to pack up all the electrical stuff, dismantle everything. change the bill for internet over to lillas visa. change my phone over to a payasyougo, but ill wait till im home to do that.
i need to stop being lazy when i write these things. my hand just started to hurt. ouch...


I also got G another poster. he will like this one.

....yup, cant think ofmuch else. I'm going to see Gordon Lightfoot on the 19th, so I'm back in toronto for that... .then im done.
oh, and maybe my birthday, since I'll be able to go to a bar and drink. buahahahaha

alright. thats all....

PS
I still haven't talked to him. two months. and yes. it hurts. a lot.