I hate it when you get your hopes up for a day. a day when you can get out of the house and have a good time. and it's good to have those days, especially in the midst of working 6 very stressful days in a row. it gives you something to work for, look forward to, survive, and recover from.

but then, when you get set on that, when you make plans, and even kind of make it clear to you parents what you're doing, it sets up so high, that when you have to fall, it hurts so much for the most stupid of reasons.

it makes you like a child again.

but this isn't my weekend.

I was denied my chance YET again to get out to the cottage. blow 1. Lisa got time off, and because we've lost Tara, I'm left working extra shifts for her, making me work 6 days in a road this week, days and night. so ill be stressed constantly. and tired. and pissed. blow 2.
blow three was this morning. I woke up, thinking "I'm going to get dressed, clean up, and head over to Joshes place. then I'll come back for work around 3 something, then after work, over to angus and scotts"
but when I looked out the window, I didn't see my little red car. I saw gords taurus.
They stranded me.
blow 3.
so this hasn't been a good morning. I'm stranded in Stirling now, and it seems that my parents did that to me on purpose. Gords car was on the outside of the drive way (easier to get out) and is bigger for all of their friggen luggage. yet they took MY car, the only car I'm insured under. leaving me trapped in this house. again.
and I was looking forward to actually getting out today.

what a bad morning.

and now that I have nothing to look forward to, work will be utter hell, for four more days, 24 more hours of assholes, jerk-offs, morons, and nothing but numbers and beeping and chips and screaming children. thats what my parents left me instead of a car.

im fucking pissed. they had no reason to take my car, other than to strand me, keep me from using a fucking CAR!

who would think a car would fuck you up so much

Hush, little baby, don't you cry; Momma's gonna steal your lullabye...

The guy drove into the parking lot tonight
and he was driving my truck
he was driving my truck.

a few nights ago (actually, sunday, more than a few) my dad drove me back home, and while we drove back, he apologized. he said
"I'm sorry I couldn't save the truck for you Emily. But once the ownership was out of my name, I didn't have control over it anymore. I'm sorry. I wish you could have had it. I know you wanted it"
and it broke my heart.
and of course I remember how that whole thing happened. Where my brother got the truck first, and in order for him to be able to pay the insurance, it would have to be under someone elses name.
that person was Gord.
so, my dad no longer owned the truck, and technically Patrick didn't either.
and so, when my brother tried to sell this truck to me, my mother took control, and said No.

so he sold it to a man I don't know. Who is now driving my daddies truck, MY truck, around town.

and I am very bitter about it. very bitter. I glared at him when he walked into the store tonight. he didn't buy anything. but I glared nevertheless. because I was pissed off. I hoped that I at least wouldn't have to see it again, so I wouldn't be reminded. but nope. hes flaunting it. driving it around as he pleases.
its my truck, damnit. it was supposed to be mine.

Yes, I am a bitter person. it hurts seeing someone driving around in something that has such a hold on your past, something of a paradigm for your growing up, and the man is a complete stranger and without any knowledge of the meaning hes driving around in.

He'll scrap that truck in a few years. if it were mine, I could have saved it. It could have stayed home, where it belongs. with me. with the Engels. with the family that saved it and gave it a life. I could have saved it.


yeahyeah, its just a truck emily.

its my fucking life, man. would you let some strange woman wear your wedding dress, thinking its hers? would you let some stranger have your family photos on their wall?
no, you wouldn't.
as wierd and stupid as it sounds, its the exact same with this truck.

it was my truck. mine.

guh

I have a knack of fucking up relationships with people, and leaving them fucked up to eventually just wither up and die away. One is right now. I sent an email trying to save what little of a relationship I had with Joel, but there hasn't been a response, and I wouldn't be too surprised if there wasn't one. not to say I would be ok with it, but I wouldn't die over it.

but I seem to be pretty good at that, just screwing things up and not fixing things in time before it all blows up one last time into a pathetic little cloud of what once was.

and tonight, I feel pretty shitty over that. Just like last night I felt shitty over my bad habits. well, I suppose this is another one, another one I can easily fix, but I'm just not doing it. I'm letting it be, blaming it on my genes or the way I grew up. easy enough to do, eh?


Tonight a guy came into the store, getting 60$ of gas. and he didn't pay for it. see, when he started pumping, I was still in the laundromat. so Min authorized it. then I came out, and Min went and fixed something. this guy and another guy finished pumping around the same time. I helped a few people, including this guy. he got a few drinks. but I didn't know he got gas. Min would have, but he was busy. so he paid for drinks. left. I helped someone else. there was a break, and i looked over, and his shit van was gone.
so, we're out 60$. and that sucks.
oh the scum of the earth.

well, theres my day in a nutshell, on the computer screen, translated into the english language.

guh

If you can't take the heat, Transport yourself to another world, or the ice age... frankly

Today

I went to Toronto.

See, last night, sometime after 11 (I think) I got an email from my good friend Mike, asking if I had to work, and call him back. so I did, and found out that he and his sister and her friends were going to Toronto to shop and tour around and what not. so I said, yes, i work, but I might be able to get Adrienne to work.
and I did.
sot his morning I woke up bright and early and went to toronto. I took the subway for the first time, and a street car. I hate public transit, always will... but I'll get used to it, I think, Thanks to Mike and his showing me the ropes. I find it rather amazing that a guy who has only been living in this country a year knows my provinces capital better than I do...
actually, he knows this country better than I do in general, in terms of getting around.

oi

so, we go to this big mall, Yorkdale (right) at... 10 or 11 something. we left about 6. between those times, I was walking in shit flip flops on hard cement, in and out of AC'd stores and under the hot sun. that wind? didn't do much. the last subway we took was an older train. no AC. just sweat, and lots of it, as well as a lot of english accents.
poo ha
so, my hips need to be replaced, I'm sure, and my legs are JUST getting back to feeling better. Man oh man, was it a rough day physically. I need to get in shape, man. I mean, I didn't die, but whenever I started down steps (after just a couple hours of walking) My knees got that weak, IM GONNA BUCKLE feeling they sometimes get at random.
by that time I was only running on half a bowl of cereal and two and a half cigarettes ( I thought I was quitting?!?!?!????(?)?). but nevertheless, I am not in good shape. we all hurt at the end of the day, but I think I took it worse. I'm just not made for the heat, and I'm certainly not adapted to walking in the city yet. that will change, in good time.

but, it's safe to say it was a good exercise, even if I feel it tomorrow.

I got home and had two messages. one from a Mrs.Jackson, who was in fact my sis-in-law being stupid while bored, and the other from work, saying I didn't come into work.

oops

well, Adrienne showed up a little before five, like we're all supposed to. see, this is my fault. for fifteen minutes, Ki was alone, because Lisa had a doctors appointment, which I was supposed to come in early to cover for. I forgot to tell adrienne. so tomorrow i get to look forward to explaining that I forgot and went to Toronto instead. oops. at least Age didn't get bitched at. Lisa can be scary

oi

I'm a little burnt, and my legs have a slight tan, and my feet.. oh yeah, tanned alright.

humhumhum

poo ha

Last night, I almost said I didn't want to go to Toronto to Mike. almost. instead I ignored my head and just went. it was good. I got a skirt. it was good. but last night I didn't feel up for it. and I didn't have much time this morning to know if I was up for it. I just did it. it hurts now, physically, but thats it. But I've started to realize that I am starting to go down a hill, in terms of my relationships with my friends, and my eagerness (and lack thereof) to go out with anyone, anywhere, at all. I just don't want to go out, unless its to someone's house to just sit and hang out, zone out. I would say get stoned, but I don't really do it anymore. personal rule. I should do that with cigarettes. but I've started looking at myself and realized that I really do give off the wrong impressions very easily, without knowing it. I don't reply to a lot of people, don't join the conversation, just listen to it... I'm not being a part of anything. it's like I'm peeping in on the lives of my friends without doing anything about it, without actually being a part of their lives. I'm just a fly on the wall. and I know it! and I'm not doing anything about it. I'm not changing anything, i'm just justifying why i'm like this. and sure, my little justifications make sense, i guess, but that doesn't mean I can get away with being a fly on the wall. I know it can't be that appreciated, and I know that I should TRY to talk more with people, try to open up.
But lately, I've been more eager to stay home alone than go out.

when I was asked about Toronto, I didn't want to change my schedule and mess things up. but when Mike asked if I wanted to get picked up then and there (last night) and just sleep at his house so that he didn't have to drive to Stirling so early, I said no. Because I wanted my own bed. which is true. I can't sleep well anymore. I'm waking up easily. It takes me hours to fall asleep (so I'm also running on about 5 hours of sleep today), and I can't even do THAT well anywhere but here. so I said no. But the main reason, the one I didn't tell Mike, for fear of insulting him, I just didn't want to deal with people. There were six of us today, five of them English, Four of them engaged/married. But really, I just didn't want to be around that many people that I didn't know. because then I would never sleep. and I would be awkward all night AND all day, and that would have exhausted me and been the end of me today.

and yet again, I am a text book example.

that or I'm just a teenager. I keep forgetting my age. I'm still 17. not 19. not 21. not even 18 for a little over five months yet. I'm far from old. but I feel older than I am.
doesn't everyone? Everyone does. sure. all the time too, I bet. and yet again, I show how Normal I really am. This whole picture of a normal person being someone who is perfectly "Sane" without any disorders of any kind is like an idea of eutopia or something. it just aint gonna happen, folks. This, Me, the kind of person I represent (Wierd, Problems, everything else I've described in this blog), This is normal, people. Not the barriers, not the guidelines. the example. I am Normal. no one wants to admit it.

erm.

im done now

Good morning starshine! the world says FUCK YOU!

This morning I wake up, and while i'm just putting some bread into the toaster, still half asleep and not speaking, because thats my morning rule, my mother comes up to me and says
"I've got some bad news."
and proceeds to explain why I will not have a car tomorrow, as I had planned around. So, yet again, I am stranded. this time for four days. i work two of those days. thats still a lot of sitting around at home, trying to deal with gord, which can't be done without my mother around.

This is going to be a rough week.

Tried to go to the Cottage, but instead I'm working all weekend. ALL weekend. Tried to get out tomorrow night, lost the car because some woman had to work afterall. I'm stuck with gord. Gord. if it were anyone else, I wouldn't be so bothered with being stranded, but when you're stranded with a psycho, things get complicated.

ugh

not a good day so far.

well, at least I can focus on that painting I wanted to finish now.

hopefully...

I can't get over how stupid this all is.

Every time I read an old email I sent to someone that was, at the time of it's writing, so soulful and sad and emotional, i think of where I am now, and think of how childish I was then. In a fe months, or maybe a year, if I ever look back on this blog, and previous blogs, I'll think the same way.

tonight, I just can't help but laugh at myself and everyone else. at how we think that today and tonight, we are mature people who have gone through their share of things for their age. and then a year later, realize all over again how childish we really were, and still are.

goes to show that we are always growing

Todays and Tomorrows

This is my home town, called Stirling. It's small, but not nearly the butt of jokes like Frankford is, another small town. Stirling consists of Farmers, mostly, and small business people with big business hopes. for the most part, these hopes are either dashed, or they leave town. This is a town made for people who want a quiet life. But the last few years of this town have started to show what I would call the Teenager Syndrome.

Last summer, work began on bringing the CN Train station closer to the road, for Tourists. it's there now. and empty. and graffitied. and it's the perfect example of what this town is trying to be: Picton. A Tourist Trap. Oh yes, get away from Toronto, get away from your busy lives, and come into my home town, to watch us so carefully and envy our lives. fill up our town with your ignorance and regret, we'll let you...

Uhh, no, we won't. I won't. thus, I'm leaving. really, there isn't much else to it. This is a good town. I admit to that. it's a good place. generally good people, save for all those tween brats who I have to serve whenever they come into my store. or those grumpy old bastards. but the difference is that those grumpy old bastards are grumpy because of those brat kids. the brat kids, who want to tear this once so simple town apart, and turn it into some place fun. or just some place to take a piss in. one or the other.

Either way, This town is not simple anymore. My Father used to own a computer shop in this town. he and his brother, my uncle, ran it together. It's the building which is currently a salon of some sort, across from the Cameo shop, by the bridge. he used to work there. Back when a lot of the buildings currently here weren't around yet. He was married in this town to my mother. He worked for almost every farmer in the area, fixing machines for them and what not. It used to be the sort of town where if a barn was built, it was the talk of the town. everyone knew everyone like family, best friends. It's still that way... with the older folk. but this town's turning into a town that no one wants to be in. everyone wants to go off and be something and someone, to get away from the peering tourists. no one wants to take care of the farming. no one wants to help anyone build a farm. no one.

it's not my home town anymore. and like so many other people wish they could do, I'm leaving town. And I'm glad. I don't want to be around when that CN station turns into an actual tourist trap. I don't want to see a parking lot expanded for that reason. the only thing I want to see is cement put down in front of it (which is inevitable), so I can write "Think Monopoly" in it. Monopoly. what a strange desire it is that lies in this town now. the sort that says "Come look at what we've got, but don't stick around for long. It's not a happy place anymore"

It's not. for most of us. yes, such a sweet little town. until it turns into the next Trenton, or Belleville, or Dump. How far will it go?

Every place is turning out like this place. there's no escape from the growing demand for bigger houses, Tim Hortons, MacDonalds, Movie Theatres and what not. Our only good bar closed down. but at least we don't have a Tim Hortons yet. I hope we never have one. save the small business people from temptation and selling out. save them all! But spare not the citizens! Let them SCREAM for their coffee's and Iced Cappucinoes...

oh, the humanity and lack thereof.

well, as I always say, It Happens. it happens.

This is my small town, Stirling, which will not be my home much longer. I'm going to hurl myself into a whole wide world of nothingness and confusion, to run and hide, to find whatever it is my body desires most, whatever that may be. I'm going to figure out this mystery called life, damnit, or die trying.



yeaaah....

rant number... something....ifty

not this weekend, but next weekend, my aunt and uncle have invited us up to their cottage. their cottage is amazing. it's a perfectly clean, clear lake at the bottom of this valley, with lots of these little islands in the middle. its a private lake, so not a lot of cottages, thus very quiet. it's the closest you'll get to an all natural place. it's beautiful. so, whenever we go up there, i enjoy it. its a great getaway. and this year, i was looking forward to using my new camera and lenses to photograph it, since it may be my last chance to do so...

But that weekend, Adrienne has booked off. which means I'm working all weekend for her...

which means, just like last year, I'm going to get gipped out of a trip, out of a real vacation with my mom and gord and aunt and uncle and cousin and this beautiful valley. i love it out there. and yet again, I'm robbed of the opportunity. why? just plain old bad timing. but nevertheless, i'm pissed. I'm bitter about the fact that I can't have a real vacation, even if it is only for one night. at least I would get to see that lake again, get to swim in that clean spring water.

but nope

i'm stuck in this fucking town. again. like last year. like my entire life.

fuck. in a way, i'm pissed at adrienne. she's going to a concert or something. but I shouldn't be mad at her, it's not her fault. it's no ones fault. i just wish it was someone's fault, so I could have some reason to be this bitter. fuuuuck

sigh

as much as i'm excited to get into a city and out of a small town, the whole farmer town is in me. being that i'm at my best in the country, in the wild part of it. i'm at my best. i feel my best. i get great ideas (like the other day, getting water with my dad. I was standing on the top of this hill, and i looked over into this field, and in the middle of the field was this one, lone tree. old, branches bending to the ground, and one part of this ancient looking africanized-ish tree had it's limbs, twisting and rounding about one another, dead. so, there were leaves everywhere but this one part, exposing what the tree really was. old, grey, and twisted. it was beautiful, and I wished I had my camera at that moment. because at the moment, inspiration paid me a visit). I feel good.

as much as I complain about this town, sometimes i need the escape into the country, instead of away from it. i need to get back to it, to get a REAL vacation, to really relax and feel at ease and safe. and going to the cottage does that for me.
but for the second year in a row, i don't get to feel that. so, i'm stuck in this town, having to improvise with my time...

ah, fuck. i hate that tara got fired. if she wasn't fired, i could have done it. i could have gone away. but no...

fucky McFuckerson

Minolta

"I'm not using it, and I can't take it to the grave with me"

so my father is letting go of things. of reality. and I don't mean he's going insane. I mean he's letting go of some of his prized possessions, ones he has no use for. and so, he has given me thousands of dollars worth of cameras and lenses and other things. because I'm interested in them.
what a guy.

I tried to sneak my way into Bon Echo, but it didn't work. meh. I ended up having a good night anyway. I went to my dads and hung out with Halesha and Patrick and Ava (Who can now hold up her own head and roll over). Zack has gotten to the point in his life where he's desperate for attention. and it doesn't help to have a new baby in the family, sort of enforcing this need for attention. everyone is bursting over Ava, and leaving this three year old going to desperate measures for attention. Last night, he tried to act like an adult, and failed miserably, of course. a three year old doesn't know what an adult is. He then proceeded to call his Grandfather by his first name. something I know my dad doesn't care about, but I do.
the kid asked me constantly if he could go to grandmas, and what not. and I said no. I don't know. at that moment it felt to me like he had been brainwashed. yeah, gord is a grandfather. but not nearly as much as my father is. yeah, Gord sees them a lot. but for some reason, he's the only one called grandpa. and my dad isn't. he's called Andy. nothing more. just Andy. and if felt like my dad was being gipped out of something he deserved. he deserves to be called grandpa by his grandchildren. but gord is taking that role away from him. at last, gord has beat my father at something.

frig

Zack. He's desperate. today, he hit his head off of a cushioned foot stool, and faked sobbing for ten minutes, until I took the rag from him that he was using to nurse his unbleeding, non-swollen wound, and I draped the whole thing over his face and told him to cool his head off. fuckin kid. that shut him up. but the way he sobbed over everything, and screamed his laughter over and over again to make his point, and whatever... poor kid. I never had a younger sibling. I never had the feeling of losing attention... well, thats not true. I did. from gord. Gord took my mother away, didn't he? then he got rid of my brother, and suddenly no one gave a shit about me. but I was a teenager by then, I had grown up. But nevertheless, I never went through what Zack is going through. my brother may have, but it was just the two of us, and he was five when I came around. He adored me. I adored him. we got along (with all of our arguments and "I HATE YOU" screams, we loved eachother, and learned to lean on one another growing up with Gord). Zack is the middle kid now. He had the attention. and now it's gone from him. and he's jealous. he'll never admit to it when he's older, but we'll all know that he was sad when Ava took things over.

Well, such is the mind of a child. but then you wonder, is it really? how do we change? do we get over the loss of attention? or do we just hide it really well? we all like attention in some form. Praise. Love. Gifts. whatever. we all like to be drooled over for some reason or another, even if we say otherwise. We all like to have someone admire us. so, in a way, that childish need for attention from everyone stays around. it just turns into something else. like a relationship. or a Career. Or just a dream. I don't know.
I believe it never goes away. I believe we're all children, looking for some attention for some reason. but those of us who are considered more "mature" than others just hide it better, and have a better idea of the repercussions of this "selfish" behaviour, since Selfishness is such a sin.

I could go on, but I'm losing the interest... last night, it just hurt to see that my dad had lost the title of grandfather from a kid who was closer to being his grandson than he was to be gords grandson. Afterall, Halesha is my brothers girlfriend, my fathers daughter in law. and yet, the Step-father-in-law is more... I dont know. my father doesn't have much to do with the previous paragraphs, really. maybe it does. think about it...



Joel and I broke up. bound to happen. I'm glad it did. It sucks, because now I'm alone, and I won't let myself get into another relationship. If I do, it will end like this, somewhat bitter and certainly not to be repairable. I'll be single from now on.
yeah, right?
yeah. right. I will. I mean it. I'm not going to fuck around anymore. I don't think I can handle it much more. I don't want to get attatched like that again, especially when It's all in vain. so I just won't. I'm done with boys for a while. no boys for a long time. few years, you know? I'm serious about it.

so, thats Emily's life.

Happy birthday

Technicalities

Go ahead and laugh, if for whatever reason this makes you laugh, but sometimes I feel I have to explain why I blog so frequently.
well,
there are some people who are verbal communicators, or, who are at least more verbally litarate and fluent than they are when writing or typing. I am NOT one of those people. I stutter, mumble, become overly sarcastic, and therefore, am not taken seriously on serious matters, because I talk "weird". therefore, I'm left with a lot on my mind, and nothing coming out of my mouth. a person explodes after a while. I blog.
Also, I hardly thing of this blog as a means of communication to others. it's more of a communication from one part of my head to the other. Its me talking to myself, making sense of myself, confronting myself (about others sometimes), and yeah... thats why I blog. so much right now, because it's summer, and I'm left with NOTHING but my thoughts. so, I need to get through them all, sort through them, which means revisiting others and all that jazz, it's a complicated business, you know? it's rough.
thats why I blog a lot.
so, if ever I had to explain myself, I have. I'm not talking to other people in this thing, I'm just... talking to myself, and keeping a journal about it.

so there you go.

meanwhile (laugh)

I know whats haunting me from last night, and whatever. I know what it is. I just can't figure out why it's bugging me at this point in time. Summer? Joel Problems (he still hasn't called or anything)? I don't know. but it's back from last year. last summer. maybe thats it. an Anniversary thing. well, either way, it's getting to me a lot. well, not a lot. I'm not breaking down or anything...

I don't know.

so much for making sense of myself. It's hot. I'm stuck indoors most of this summer. I'm stranded in stirling. so i'm left with last summer to live with, alone.

what do you do?

So I'm stuck. I'm up at 11, after trying to sleep for over an hour and failing. what else is new. Most of the time, I get around it, stay in bed, and make myself fall asleep somehow. I guess from exhaustion or thinking so much, i just pass out. but not tonight. it hasn't worked. So, I'm up. I feel haunted. I feel like I'm being hunted down by some old memory of mine, some old thought or feeling.

I feel stale. I feel like a burned out fire pit, just a pile of ash from last night.

I dont know.

I need sleep

and It won't come.

Relentless. wake. wakefulness. fuck. I just want to escape from today and into tomorrow already.

thats all my life is

well?

I know what kind of person I'll be.
I'll be the person who doesn't make their own friends,
but the person people meet through the few friends I have.
I won't be the person who dates.
I won't date.
that age is gone now.
But at least I took what a could,
while I could.
I won't be the kind of person who goes out on a regular basis,
not unless I'm convinced,
unless someone drags me out the door,
and doesn't desert me.
I'll be the kind of person you see on the street
the person who's name you Kind of know,
but who's otherwise unknown.
I'll be the person who doesn't talk a lot,
until the right subject comes up
like music, or art, or school.
Then everyone in the room hears my voice.
for a few seconds.
I won't be the person who starts the conversation and keeps it going.
I'll be the person who listens to the conversation,
and who tags along with all the verbal adventures.

I'll be the child
with the Adult in my stomach,
and the Criminal in my lungs,
and the encyclopedia of uselessness and clichés in my head,
and the heart that went hollow when I was born.




In other news:
I got tickets for the Sigur Ros concert on September 18th, at the Bronson centre in Ottawa. 7PM show. Hope I'm living there by then, and don't have to work that night. Can't wait, Can't wait. Can't wait for my tattoo either, which will be the little angel dude.

well, such is life.

Guess who

Last night I sent out an angry email. it had to happen. how else would I have gotten a hold of him? Couldn't. So, I resort to one of those worst forms of real "communication", and I email him, and tell him whats on my mind. whats really on my mind. when I finished typing it out, I couldn't believe I had actually typed it all out, and sent it. I guess having a blog would help me with getting ready, right? everything I've said on this blog, I said in the email. well, too late now. I won't bother trying to call him again. and hopefully, if he bothers to call me, He'll have gotten the email. it would suck if he hadn't. well, such is life, as my saying seems to be now. it happens. yeah.

Tattoo in a couple weeks. still not sure which to get first, but I think I'll figure it out soon enough.

work tonight. good old Pro. Oh pro, you slay me. I'm just happy I have more than700 dollars to my name now. no more spending... much. heh. we'll see how long that lasts until I get another CD craving.

I resorted to downloading episodes of CSI last night. well, just two. the season finale of CSI, and the opener for CSI NY. but not the one where Horatio goes to NY. I can't find that one. frig. oh well. if I could just find it's Title..

rainy day today.Traffic, as usual, is being dumb. I guess I'll watch that finale when I get off work tonight. It shouldn't be too bad tonight. Not a holiday, just a friday. still busy as hell, but better than last friday. fuckin long weekend....
actually, it wasn't that bad. Adrienne got the crowd Thursday night, since that would have been the start of the holiday, for most people. everyone but me, who worked all weekend. I think. yeah, i work all weekend. forgot about that. what else would I have done? sat around and waited for Joel to call, right? Nah. I'm not waiting anymore. the only I'm waiting for is a reply to that bitter email, and the day Aric and I find an apartment in Ottawa, and things get underway at last. No more Gord. No more bothering mother. No more stirling. no more hell hole. I'll be in a city, and that means no excuses. everything is ending this year. everything will end and start over.

good and bad.

everything's double sided, and it sucks. but it's better than waiting for him.

I just read over some of my older blogs.
and
I make myself sick.

wah. I'm an idiot for having one of these things. why the fuck do I blog so much? I'm a fucking loser

Home is where the Heart is

Sometimes it's better that good things never happen. Sometimes its better to never go to someones house, and have a good time. because then, when you spend the rest of the week alone at home with no one around, either watching movies or playing games on the computer, you feel like shit. because all you get to think about the rest of the week is how great that one part of a day was, and how while other people get to do that again, you don't. because you're stranded. but, if you never went to that house, if you never had a good time, you wouldn't feel quite that shitty.

My point?

So far, summer sucks. like always. yes, good moments, and they rock. the rest of the time though, is made shitty. yeah. thats how it is. I'm spending my summer holiday in the house, watching movies, and sitting at this fucking computer. I'll do dishes. three of those days, I'll spend knowing that I have to go to work that night, which will be miserable, as always. everyone's coming in, getting booze or something for a party that night, or something...

I don't know.

I just hate not being able to do anything. I get the car once a week. once a week, I get to drive wherever. one day. oh, the skill involved to be sure it's the right day. friggen... I hate that most of my friends are in belleville, or trenton, or camping, or something. I feel like such a loser right now. I'm downloading CSI. CSI! I love CSI, and I'm downloading episodes because they make me feel good. I feel happy when I watch CSI. look at that. I'm a junkie. I'm addicted to a TV show that's on almost every day of the week. I am a sad waste of life. right now.

thank god I get to move in a couple months. fuck...

PS:
still no call from Joel. better call tonight, damnit. I would call, but I'm pretty sure I'll just get his sister again, saying he's not in right now. oivay. Oi Vay.

Home is where the heart is. my ass. There's no heart here. Guess there's no fuckin home either, huh? oh, what a lonely person I am right now. I hate being like this. I hate it. it makes me tired. It gives me a headache. it makes me sick to my stomach.

oh life. how you hate us all. ope. i mean me. me. how you hate me. i already said that. BAH

yup, bitchin' time!

I'm just curious-
no, wait, there's probably a perfect explanation for this. I mean, you're a good guy-
who seems to be ignoring me-
and maybe, that half-sister of yours just isn't passing on the messages-
or you don't give a fuck-
or maybe you're just tired-
too tired to call your girlfriend, yet not tired enough to leave the house and go somewhere?!

seriously... what the fuck.

do you just not know how to leave a message on my machine, to at least say that you TRIED to call me back? How can you not have energy to pick up a phone, and yet never be home?
Holy shit, you are pissing me off enough to just email you a "fuck it, it's done" letter. but I'll wait, because I'm a stupid, niave, gullible "little girl", who appears to be more grown up than you. fuck.

FUCK! what the fuck?! I call you on a sunday, you're not home. I leave a message. You know I'm done school and work at night, so I don't need to go to sleep early, thus leaving me up late at night, thus giving you time to call back. you KNOW this. yet, you do not call back.
where are you?
what are you doing?
why don't you just tell me if you're not interested anymore, and are hitting bars or something?
fuck, Joel. Stop being an ass and at least email me back. If you had time to check your email, you could at least send a two word reply or something. fuck.

Right now, more than ever, I hate you.

are you seeing someone? are you sleeping with someone else? are you just plain AVOIDING me? were you thinking that not talking to me for weeks at a time would help with us moving in? Not that we are, anymore, but you wouldn't know, you haven't called me back so I could talk about it. Did you think I didn't notice the tone of voice you used with me in our last "conversation", a week and a half ago? I'm not a buddy from highschool, Joel, I'm your Girlfriend. I'm the person You're supposed to call at night, instead of going to bars. (I wonder if you classify yourself as a Single now.) When you hear your girlfriend on the other end of the phone, you don't say "Wow, haven't talked to YOU in a while!"
no shit, sherlock! what, too tired to pick up a phone? so tired, you had to go out until late at night?


I fucking hate you right now. If you called right now, I would tear you a new one.

Maybe I should just end this, eh? maybe I should. Maybe I will. not like it's going to work out anyway. how could it?

fuck.

thanks for trying, Buddy!

Fish Bowl

I hate it when I have a dream that's so perfect, thats all my fantasies turned into something that feels so real, so hard to tell from reality. i hate it, because when I wake up and realize I was asleep all that time, it hurts. especially when I can physically feel things, hallucinate feelings. you know... i hate it.

yet, I'm glad i have them. they're a relief from everyday life, I suppose, even if they are just dreams that I can't share with anyone else. even so, I like having them to be there, something to bounce on. not bounce back from, just.. something nicer looking to sit on, I guess. I don't know. Last night, what a dream... it was so real. it's bringing up those old feelings, reminding me of why i feel the way I feel. it hurts, but it's... something else. it's dying alone at home, and coming back to life, still alone at home. no one knows it happened, but it did. and it was phenomonal, no matter how pointless it is.

what the fuck am I saying?

-sigh-

lifes a bitch, and then you die. i don't wanna die. fah-rig.

god, that dream. I want to dream it again and again, every night, just to enjoy it. it's a brand new memory. it's wierd, too. I only have that one kind of dream. I don't dreams about FAR in the future. I don't have "happy ending" dreams. I have "Fucked up yet romantic beginnings" dreams, or "sad endings" dreams. taunts and threats, nothing but taunts and threats. oh life. how you hate me. so it seems.



Joel never came down for the weekend. that, or he did, and just didn't call. wouldn't surprise me all that much. I'm seeing a big problem with this. I'm actually kind of mad at him. yeah, I understand that he's tired and shit, but maybe he shouldn't go out after work all the time and, just for once, give me a fucking call. at least return my call from last SUNDAY. frig. I don't know. I'm just mad. upset. upset, I am.

oh, i just want to dream again.

yeu-p

I graduated. with good marks. what the fuck? I got 70 in english, 70 in photography (somehow I had a 47 before the "exam" date, and then it shot up to 70. awesome), and 8...4(?) in drama. alrighty. so I'm done forever. I have to be an adult now. I'm going to move to Ottawa, with Aric, and try to just live, ya know?

yeah....

I am tired. I'm a little upset that I haven't seen Joel this weekend. I was hoping he would get down, but I guess he didn't. He never called me back from last weekend, either. yeah, frankly, things are falling apart with that. oh well. I know, I don't sound too upset at a relationship falling apart. but I think we both know that I already knew this would happen. I can foretell everything. I know whats happening all the time. yeah. im a genius.

so after grad I went to mikes for the night, had some fun, came home, went to angus' at the last second, twice, sleeping over the second time... though I didn't really ever sleep at any point. in and out a lot, but thats it. oh well. worked after that, which was hell, slept, worked today, and now I'm here. tada

yeah, thats all. i can't be bothered to type anymore