This whole thing is getting way too much for me.
I'm broke. in fact, technically, I'm in debt now. I can't pay off my credit card. I can make the minimun payments alright, but I can't do anything else.
No one is biting. No one wants this room.
mom won't let me come back unless someone takes it.
and I can't stay here anymore.
I'm broke, for christs sake. What am I supposed to do?
I was going to tell my mom that I found someone, but that plan has been almost ruined. I could try and get her to just let me move back now. What so wrong with that? yes, I know, I won't be living here, why pay for it. but it's my own fault for changing my mind, I deserve nothing better than paying for a place I don't live in, at least until someone wants to take this room. that could take a while.
I don't want to be here anymore and it's killing me. and I'm killing myself at the same time over everything. the fact that everyone worked for me to get here. that I put being here up on a pedestal, that I was so happy to be going, so narrow minded and overly focussed on just getting here. and now I don't want to be here. it feel like a fool, and I just can't be here anymore.

how many other ways can I put it?
I cannot afford to live here anymore. I cannot afford to not have a job for another two weeks. even if I get one in the next couple weeks, it wouldn't not save me from not being able to pay rent. I am fucked, and I need to get back home NOW to get money back into my account.

would SOMEONE just give me a hand? or rent this room already?
god damnit...

just thought i would let you know, you've ruined this song for me. you've ruined friends for me. you have ruined me in every manner. I cant get your image out from swimming in my head, I can't fish you out and get rid of you.

bastard.

The lucky martyr

A selfish person thinks of these things
with no third friend to break the silence
and tell the scapegoats tale.
god made a promise on a rainbow,
and we took over the void so frail-
because
We eat the apple and destroy paradise,
and move to a garden of cement and steel,
tar and wheels.

every so often, there lives one:
the loyal sacrifice,
who takes the heat and waits for the winter
and all that comes is night, ever nightly.
who gives up the armor
and fights just and rightly

and it's an eat what you kill world.
it's an eat what you kill world.
where apathy runs rampant in epidemics
and the heart is always wrong.

It's appreciated

I'm moving back home.
november, hopefully early november.

and I'm SORRY.

And you know what? here's why:

I'm miserable.
No one likes me.
No one likes my cat.
No one gives a shit.
everyone else giving me a hard time about it
I am more lonely than ever before
I want to be around people who DO like me, who APPRECIATE me a little more than just using me to get to my room mate.

if you can't handle it, forget you read it and think of it as a giant lie.
LIELIELIE
Well it's true.
I'm miserable as fuck.
I will work two more weeks at the bakery. then I will start packing my shit up again. I'll leave some of it here.
Appreciate that. you owe it.
when you sit on the couch in this apartment, remember it came from ME, and I didn't have to leave it here. I could take all this back with me if I wanted.
But I won't.
Because thats how I apologize for "bailing"
Because thats CLEARLY what I'm doing.
Names off the lease. or it will be. I'll pay for november. and technically they have my last months rent.
and then im gone. back home where people actually wonder about me. people have actually asked where I went to! why I left!
Look at that! complete strangers give a shit about me! Someone Cares!
so obviously I'm going back there.
Oakville sucks. frankly. stores are nice. thats it. I'm going back to where I can see the stars at night, and my family, and my car, and the job I was good at. Because I was DAMN good at what I did there, no matter how annoying people got, they're just as bad everywhere, and I would rather work in that store with those great people than this fake yuppy city full.

so fuck it all. I'm going home. and I hate disappointing my mother and father and everyone who invested in me being here, and I'm going to pay them back...
but this city is sucking the life out of me

so stop bothering me about it. find someone else to bother. I'm sick of this bullshit. I'd rather take bullshit from Gord, at least I know I'm a LOT smarter than him and that I can just work my way around him.

it's interesting how you think you understand the meaning of things, just from observing others and growing up and imagining.
but then you actually experience it, and suddenly that song you're listening to means something else. coming home means something else.
I've been gone two months, and this town has changed. my home has changed. it's no longer where I live. my mother is beginning to become all those other mothers whose children are gone, grown up and having their own kids. she isn't being so young anymore. her clothes are looking older. this house is looking and feeling older.
like the home i wanted to come back to isn't here, but it could be... if I came back.

I'm home for thanksgiving. I miss home. I miss the country. I don't want to go back to Oakville, back to that job, that apartment....
but my old room is different. it's a guest bedroom now, and thats it. it has a futon. it smells different, feels different.
I really don't want this yet.
want want want.
Maybe i'm not ready for this.
I'm going to end up back here (when? how soon?)
and I know that the only reason people are loving me now is because I'm not around anymore. if I come back, things will go back eventually. Gord will bicker (as usual), mom won't hug me as much. things like that. things I need....
I don't even know.
I want to stay here longer, another week at least. I don't want to go back there, I really don't. I feel so much safer here.
all those habits of mine were gone for a while in Oakville, but after two days here, I've got them back. I'm remembering what I used to do and how. what I watched, ate, who I talked to...
I'm not ready to be on my own yet....
I'm thinking of coming home. I like Oakville, being on my own and such is interesting, but it's a lot, to a point where I don't feel it. and when I go to bed realizing I have to go to work again in a store I don't know in a strange city with yuppies and students, I'm not sure I can handle it. too many times have i found myself in public on the brink of tears. too many times have I just wanted to give up, take a minute, pack my things back up, come home...
to a home that isn't mine anymore. life here is moving on without me, and it's painful to watch. I miss being comfortable like this, safe with my mom, in a familiar home with familiar people. I know I used to hate walking down the street and people recognizing me, and I still don't like it...
but it's home.
and I can't leave my home.

so maybe I'll work for a while at this place. I'll stick it through, and when I have enough money to pay my last month of rent, and whatever it is to move my things back... I will?
maybe...
it will be a while.
and it's terrible, because this house is small and such...
maybe I could get my old job back, and move into an apartment here in town instead.
yeah, maybe that would work better......

ugh.
I think about this a lot. and I hate to think I'm kind of abandoning cal like that. I love living with her, she's great to live with, but personally I'm too young for this, I hate to say. it's a bit of a jump for me.
especially when I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

the only direction I have in my life is to the store to get groceries. beyond that, I'm lost, hopeless, completely out of the loop on everything, not even an idea anymore as to what to do with myself....

I hate feeling this way. like I'm rotting inside... I just don't want to go back there.