no matter how much i complain or say otherwise, I really do love my job.
working at the pro, i always get into a better mood than I was in before, almost EVERY time. and the greatest things happen there!
tonights highlight: finding a baby squirrel after closing that had fallen from its next IN OUR ROOF. it was awesome. I don't know what Min (Boss) is going to do with it, since it will die otherwise. Doesn't even have its eyes open yet!
I was looking up at the roof, seeing this big fluffy squirrel watching us, and I could just imagine it leaping down and scratching my face into bits and pieces. it was cool.

Yes, I really do like my job. I just hate the IDEA of it, before i'm there. otherwise? i'm good. so heres the funny part- im not getting a paycheck for three weeks, because the main boss (Mr.Loo) is gone, and hes the only one who knows how to make cheques and stuff, so no one is getting paid meanwhile and everything is going to pile up. lovely! I would hate to be him...
i dont mind. I have enough in my account to live for a while, i think....hehe.

well, that is all for tonight. see you tomorrow, likely, knowing my recent routines

i, personally, believe in the idea of soul mates. I believe that when one soul is brought into a body, there is that natural sort of magnetic force that grows as they grow, bringing them closer to their soul mate.
but soul mates can dwell in people of different ages. Why? well, lets say that one soul mate dies ten years before the other . that means that by the time the other soul mate dies and is reborn, they are ten years younger in the next life than the other soul mate, since they were reborn before the other one.... right?
THATS why age should not matter after someone reaches maturity, right? if a person is mature, they should be able to recognize their soul mate better from life experience, right? time to grow.
but there is also a catch to the idea of soul mates. sometimes, no matter how strong that magnetic force might be, not everyone finds their soulmate. Sometimes, a persons soulmate dies before they can meet, or find their bond. sometimes they meet, but because neither (or one in particular) are mature and haven't had enough life experienced yet, their dont recognize it, and leave eachother.
i guess that leaves them both to find their second-most loved people in the world, right?
but why does it have to be Love? couldn't it be friendship? friends can be soulmates, just a slightly different situation than it might have been in a past life, right?....

what an idea. soul mates. not everyone is destined to meet their soulmate in this life. In fact, we all have an eternity to find our soul mate. and it might happen in almost every lifetime, or it might only happen once.
in a way, thats scary. I could have met mine and let him slip away from me for many lifetimes, leaving me to live sad for all those lifetimes. or maybe its yet to happen. no one knows, but we have an eternity, chance after chance to try again, succeed, fail, try again, etc. amazing! like a non stop love story, sad and beautiful.
but even friends could be soul mates, just soul mates who love their company. two people, soul mates, who are best friends and are always with one another. not romantically, because they dont need to be. wouldn't that be amazing too?

ahh, i love the idea of soul mates.
scary, but amazing

ALRIGHT

enough of this shit.

ok, WHOOP DE DOO, i got high for once. ok, so?
so what?
yes, i understand, people will think lower of me - what people? - but should I really care? its me who got stoned for, lets say, learning purposes (curiosity, come on!), not a bunch of friggen nuns or monks or something! WHERE is the big deal? When did I say "Drugs are completely dumb and retarded" without that bit of sarcasm in it? when would i say something about something i know nothing about? if I did, well i went back on my word, but i dont remember.

fir cripes sake, i got high. so? I'm not hooked on Heroin, or Cocaine, or even friggen cigarettes. I tried something! SO WHAT? I'm sorry, but Aren't I entitled to try things for my own opinion? aren't I allowed to go by my own experience and not everyone elses?

I didn't get high to get even with anyone, or to get pity, or because I was in a shitty mood. i got high because I wanted to, ok? I wanted to know how it really feels, to actually KNOW, not guess. I wanted to know.
Am I sticking with it? i dont know! its new, i'm thinking about it! its an experience and I'm thinking about it still. I fucking hate those damn assumptions made with people who get high. One time, and you're a completely different person. How does that work? does weed make something in your brain click that changes your entire personality, style, appearance, and vibe? what is it?
If I am not mistaken, isn't Bram, according to modern terms, a "stoner"? ok....wheres the difference? my opinion of him didn't change after i found out, so why is it that when I TRY it, suddenly I'm not Emily, I'm someone else, I'm some bad person who everyone should be ashamed of? WHY is it like that?

am I a stereotype now?

i love yes
yes love i

bloooooha

so today was a half day, hence the reason why i am home early thinking dumbly. rented a movie FOR FREE with Topher Grace in it. what can I say? i like him! good old 70's show! but at least i can say I've seen a new movie, right?
at last!

i have this stupid book to illustrate by tomorrow and read to first graders by then too. it kind of sucks, since i reaaally dont want to read to little people at ten something in the morning. i hate kids.
and i hate me, so that doesn't help.

other than that? nothing, really. Named the guitar Murphy, because its a cool name for a guitar. Pippin and Murphy! yay.
oivay. need sleep, desperately. I'll be surprised if I can stay awake long enough to draw and shit and THEN watch a movie. my life is in turmoil. surgery next week, yikes, and so many things to do. I need to find info on Rent, but its hard, damnit! I try, but theres nothing good. FUCK. two books to read for english by the end of may AT THE LATEST, etc.
also several people are mad at me. want to guess why? look at the last blog.

but anyway, that shall be all for now.
yeah, go ahead and be ashamed of me. what else is new?

brace yourself....

I, Emily Engel,
Got high.

WOOT

it was fun, haha. i loved it. but yes, should not get into a habit of it, i know.....
oh well!

so yes, good weekend. got the guitar yesterday (yay), got high today (yay) with samm (oh)

etc etc...

other than that? didn't do the homework i wanted to get done (shite) didn't read (gonna die now) and didn't sleep as much as I wanted (oh well).
also didn't paint much. sorry jimmy.

anyway, thats all for now....

I GOT HIGH, MAN!

wednesday- was awesome!
woot

so, band went to stirling for the competition whatever, got lowest marks we've had, but we were also the only people in our category, so we won. duh. but anyway! that wasn't half of it. had an awesome ride to and fro, just funny as hell. loved it

but it doesn't end there!
after drama council, i got a ride home with emma and she came over, and we came into the house and
WATER!
everywhere.

so heres the story as i put together.

sometime during the day, while i was at school and mom and gord were at work, the hose/pipe/whatever that went to the washing machine exploded! BAM! stuff everywhere. i think mom had left a wash in after lunch, so it likely happened around 1. that means that it was spraying stuff until 5. well, it certainly looked that way too.

anyway, the water began to spray out, hot and stuff, and it covered all of the kitchen and back hall floors, until (at last) it reached two places: a hole in our pantry floor and the stairs. then it starting going down the stairs and through the floor, into the ceiling panels of the basement, causing them to get soaked, as well as the carpet and moms clothes on her shelves in her walk-in closet.
EVERYTHING was soaked. there as an inch of water in the basement, covering the ENTIRE basement (i dont know how big that room is. but...well, this might help those who know me. it was just a little smaller than the music room) and the water was EVERYWHERE!

anyway, that was fun. after mopping the upstairs, emma and I then went to her place for the night (yay) and i celebrated with her.....i forget what its called. but it was a b'hai thing. i dont know how to spell that.
oops.

it was fun. i learned how to relight a candle from its smoke. it was great.

today- was iffy.

today was national crabby day. people who came into work were in bad moods, etc etc, but hey! it got me going more. My day started alright, got gradually worse (until that little bit during sixth when Bram, Gram, Miller, etc were outside with the guitars and upright bass, playing away. THAT is inspiration, man! I loved it. I hung out with them for a bit while "rehearsing" a thing for english.

then it got worse again.
then i got to work and got my cheque (yay)
then it got better
now im home, here....there you go.

that was today. nothing very eventful. oh well!

Huge Ass Sack Rash

take that

SO i blog frequently. oh well. I really have no life beyond school.
hopefully, tomorrow I will be purchasing my Elec guitar. WOOT. if not, saturday....hopefully. unless mom holds out on me more.
meh.

my horoscope is telling me to clean my room. what do they know, right?

tired, but happy, today at least. Good day though! Don't know why, since it was like all other days. I dunno. happy day. hyper day! woot! got me through work alright.
im out of milk.

i spent a lot of the weekend typing in my stories (awesomeness for me! yay) and started another painting, one I wont finish for ages, of course. Jimmypage, again, but on four panels. i ran out of big ones.
also need to find something to do for moms wall. yikes! theres a scary thought.

oivay. MUST SEE DAD!!!!wednesday....perhaps?????
listening to tellstory, d/l dire straits like mad, because I can, etc etc....boring day, really, but still good!
hurrah for good days!
and of course, as the custom is, tomorrow I will feel like shit and tired. murphy's law. stupid murphy. kill him now.

tirrrreeeeedddddddd. need to read at some point too. stupid read.

well, you know, my horoscope is sort of right (even though I think they are full of crap). I certainly need to clean things up in life, like friggen school! GRRR> i hate school now. I hate it now, and will hate it even more next year because I will miss this year and last year because everyone will be gone.

So do you know what really sucks? Being stuck between two people, neither of which are stuck over you. why does this suck, you might ask? well, its not chosing, certainly not, since you have nothing to chose, right? but its just not knowing, really. not knowing whats going on.
first word that pops into mind? Obsession. yes, well, one might be, the other i know better, but still....theres that uncontrollable factor to it, which I still cant name, and thats another thing that bugs me- i dont know anything! Not only do I know nothing about matters of the heart, but I dont know a thing about whats going on with ME and my stupid and rediculous situation.
oh well.
pity me.

HA

well, that should be enough for tonight. enough whining. thats all i do, right?

i need an old typewriter. Even a toy one will suffice, though it has to be made of metel, that way I can bash it all to hell and it wont shatter into a billion pieces.
why?
ENGLISH! of course!
I have an assignment (that I should be working on right now, I realize) about the bio of Hunter s. Thompson, and one part is to learn a new skill and interpret his work.
well, i dont know what I would call Bashing a typewriter, spraypainting and graffitiing it, gluing an old alarm clock to it and putting a perfectly clean piece of paper in it would be called.....interpretive art....yeah, i suppose i haven't really done any of that before....
but yes, that is the plan. He was a journalist, a vicious one at that, and just a rough and tough writer, and i'm starting to realize just how hard it is to be a writer, with deadlines and stuff. this guy! man...

anyway, need typewriter that can handle being beaten to hell and standing in one piece....

work tonight. shouldn't be too bad, i would hope, since its NOT the long weekend, and its NOT during the day...hopes

starship trooper...cool song! hurrah, YES! need more yes....and velvet underground....and great white....and much much more....

anyway, i think that is it. i am really bored, should be working in APS (thats why i actually brought it home, for once, to WORK in it, right?) and reading my biography....so, i will go and do so.
adios!

An english assignment....

What is the canadian dream?
The Canadian Dream is to live a free life and to have an adventure, to be able to roam and travel freely to see everything that can be seen, and to have fun. To live everyday as it comes, and to meet new obstacles and overcome them.
The Canadian Dream is to live an exciting life, to make friends on the road and at home and work. To make a story all our own, different from all the others.
The Canadian Dream is to have peace and quiet, to enjoy the little things and question the bigs ones. We want to live our own seperate lives, for the good of our own hearts and souls, and love the hearts and souls we meet while alive. We want to be different from friend and foe, and to love the differences between us.
The Canadian Dream is to treasure the old and welcome the new, to love every essence, Organic and Mechanic, to be unafraid of change but able to control it.
The Canadian Dream is to dream

Can you tell I'm an artist?

Also found this, a Palm Pilot...gotta love it!


Its amazing how quickly I can change my mood. few minutes ago, when I put the stuff above in, i was happy! and now I'm down again, shitty shitty, dreading the work shift tomorrow, debate, Jazz band, etc.... I can't seem to find anything to look forward to anymore during the day. lets see, what am I looking forward to?.....
lunch.
not even that!
I have nothing to look forward to other than the next time I can sleep in, being the weekend obviously. I makes my week pointless and long. I look forward to sleep.
is that not sad in any way to you?
I want to write, i have all these ideas, but I can't get it going anywhere, its just so fucking hard sometimes. Man, a persons first thought when they think of being an artist of any sort is "Thats brainless. what thinking can you possibly do?"
Well, I'll give you the scoop on the life of an artist/musician/writer....
BRAINPOWER ALWAYS HELPS
inspiration is one thing, drive is another, and being able to have control over your interpretations of these little bits of 'inspiration' and 'creativity' is QUITE another. A writer needs to know what words to use, so that a sentence sounds right for the mood they're aiming for, and they have to think like a reader, not a writer. a painter? has to remember what they see, invision in their mind, and sometimes colours get a little mashed together. Music? sound is everything, and adding lyrics is a dangerous thing to do. the wrong lyrics can ruin a song forever, and the wrong chord structure can do even more damage.
Being an artist is not safe, especially money-wise, but Im not talking about that. Its hard, believe it or not, to get these things done or even going. my painting/portrait i started a few weeks ago? on hold, because I can't think of anything else for it, because I'm afraid of what it will turn into, and if it will turn out the way i want it to. this is where my problem lies: I can't control these things.

my point? i have no point. I'm alone, pretty much (I always feel alone, even when my parents are home), bored, sleepy, and afraid to go to bed. I'm afraid of waking up tomorrow for an early practice, afraid of the day slipping past me and into the long night of work, where I will glance at the clock every five minutes, thinking fiften minutes have passed.
What do I have to look forward to in the morning? getting home to my bed, where the world is far away and can't hurt me. where I can sleep and let my head dream all it wants, where i can wander wherever I please, without pain or emotion. where i can be dead.
if this was all my life was, I would kill myself.
I can't wait until i leave. then i'll be the one flying off into the world to make something of myself. live my life, do whatever, avoid getting too close.

emma gave a nice metaphor the other night. I'm playing a game of chess with life.
we were talking about who/what the pieces were.
well, let me expand on things...
certain people are pawns, and certain aspects of myself and surroundings are the other pieces. The queen is my head, making the bigger decisions, etc etc. the king is....well, either my heart or my soul. I'll make them both, since they're both very close to one anotehr. well, lets just say this.... My queen has gone retarded and my King is about to be in Check, unless I can figure out what the hell I'm doing and whether life is going to give me a break or kick my ass some more. I'm already missing some pieces here, man!

In other words....I'm a bi-polar going into a moment of depression because I'm a teenage girl who can't handle emotional shit at all and is incredibly stupid and niave.
kill me now, or in my sleep. that way I would die happy

greetings from pluto!

i wish

I have returned yet again! This time rather displeased. Thing sin West Side Story are SOOOO fucked up now. FB is being really anal about the contract, going on about how we can't change anything around, we have to do this, strict strict, nazi bastard.
but yes, things are bad right now. just....GUH. bad. everyone is pissed off about something, or losing something, or just confused all to hell....it sucks big time. im starting to get freaked out, too...

DSL has arrived, at last. I put it together, thats right, ME, ALONE, buahahaha. go me. Its fun watching lights blink. but its here, more than a month later.

ugh, tired. kind of bla too, head wise. stupid essay!
worked saturday. worst day of work ever. there was ALWAYS a line up there, it was fucking hell!i had a splitting headache all the time, then I was at emmas until 11:30 PM, and when I came home I felt even more like shit. just a bad bad weekend.

hopefully the week ends up better....SHIT! I have a proposal due! CRAP. stupid FB!

yeah, i jinxed myself.
wasn't a HAPPY GREAT day today, just...a day. stupid days. i hate days. days are pointless. so pointless, i wish there were no such thing.

tired, bored out of my mind, and wishing i could play guitar and actually sound GOOD at it. i wish i had an electric! gark! Stupid money.

so you know what? I am a Tomboy. Such a tomboy, I'm amazed Im not just lesbian or something. it really boggles me! HA! hows that for a subject? -Why Emily isn't Gay..
lol. am I scaring anyone? hope so!
nono, nothing to worry of course, just me being stupid, is all. its just something thats gone through the head recently. I have recently tried to listen to myself, and realized just how wierd i really sound. I sound like...well, very different from what I thought. I don't know where my voice is from. Im still trying to figure out what sort of voice I have, both normal and song-wise, and in doing so I started wondering why i acted like a boy so much.
I guess i just hate other girls!
lol.
why wouldn't I? pardon the fact that I'm going to put myself down, but deal with it. I am NOT a pretty girl. not to me, at least. so, what do I do? I try the best NOT to be a girl, but to be...well, i guess I'm a tomboy. thats the only way to explain it.
man. I have such a retarded style. I'm wierd!....lol.
well, as a friend put it, I'm mature in a different way from others, so that makes me sort of on the borderline of something. i wonder what that is?
I guess I am the real-life anybodys, only not trying to get into any gang.

wellwellwell......sososo......emily is bored. emily needs a life......emily needs to be shot-
any volunteers????
i thought so

well, time to go and do something, like sleep maybe, or watch the tube, or....-gasp- why didn't I think of that before???
i could WRITE! jeez, that would be useful and constructive! what have i been wasting time for? man!
adios!

im back from work, at last, to stay awake for a while.

friday I purchased a book called Fear and Loathing in America which is a bio on hunter thompson. and Mrs.Davis allowed it! WOOT! problem though:
its huge.
and all letters hes written.....
yipes.

full moon tonight, and to add to it, it has a halo around it. beautiful while walking that 50 meters to my front door. crisp spring night and the moon is out with a halo. I live for those simple things. I guess that makes me simple... I am simple! anyone can figure me out, but no one is interested in doing it.

anyway, I really have nothing to say, other than music is awesome. yay music. woot. woot. hoorah......
man, i want to zonk out so badly.

YES! I have made a final decision on Post Secondary...
York for Jazz Vocalism, Art, and Digital recording, editting and composing. yes! yesyesyes, that is the plan, and hopefully i can follow through with it.

yes, I am rather content. i feel great, to be honest, very happy to be in my own skin, for the first time in a while, though i don't know how long it will last. i hope a while, but...well, i dont want to jinx myself.

blueberries rock.

alright, enough for tonight. do yourself a favour, and next time the sky is clear at night, look up at the stars for a while, and just imagine where you are.

who loves the sun? who cares that it makes plants grow? who cares what it does since you broke my heart?

ahh, velvet underground. I really am beginning to like them, considering I only have a few songs by them, i love them all. funkfunk

I have begun to wear a copper bracelet as of yesterday, since i have the sneaking suspicion that i might have carpal tunnel syndrome. I have most symptoms, blablabla...
one month and the cyst is removed, less than two months and West Side Story is performed. eek!
and its SNOWING! DAMNIT! who the hell let the snow come back? no one! damn you weather! stupid snow...

Moments ago I was looking over some previous blogs from far away in the past (few months only? wow, not too long). not very fun. no, I'm not the most interesting person, and If I ever made an autobiography, there would be two versions: the real one and the fake one that I would Bullshit my way through. I've decided that someday I will make up a fake life and call it the real thing. take that! let the fuckers figure that one out!
hehe, who said that?

three things are on the to-get list, and one will not be gotten. One is the guitar. Didn't get it yesterday, but I did pick it out. now I need more money. another is a new bike, hurrah! though I think mom might get it FOR me....mooch, yes, I know.
the other is a laptop to have in my room so I can start to record stuff. considering the fact that I want to get into Music in University, i think I should start learning to record and stuff like that. hello! that would make sense! but, this computer won't help much, since its old, slow as hell, and out of date when it comes to Cubase requirements.
in other words, those who love me and have money, let me mooch off you! lol. nono...dont listen to emily, shes tired and put out.

so i've come to realize that, as much as I hate it and try not to admit to it, I am an emotional person who isn't nearly as strong as she thought she was. oh well. ill live. i have my entire life to live with that. but even so, even in this puny little ordeal of mine, i've found some irony in it. turns out I have a lot in common with someone. buahahaha! He's messed up about someone who hes pined over for....lets call it 3 years? and I am doing the same thing...with him! wow, so ironic how the tables have connected and switched around!
also turns out hes moving away in the summer. well, what will happen then? nothing, duh. what could possibly happen? hopefully he'll get a life, and who knows? maybe I will too, finally.

Speaking of which, last night, about half an hour before i went to work, a miss Samm called me up, wanting to get together to get high. wow! long time no....chat. well, she had no phone, so there you go. but, sadly, i had to work! awww, oh well!

stupid daylight savings time, stealing my life away from me one hour at a time! strange dreams last night, none of which I can really remember, but they were certainly odd.

Emma told me something about her religions belief in dreams, and it really appealed to me. She said it was a way for the spirit to travel through space and time. I would like to believe that too, since it would explain dejavu's so much, and I know that dejavus happen, because i have them ALL the time. it would also be a comforting thought, in a way. yes, a lot of my dreams are rather...well, disfigured, lets say that, but some are horribly realistic, like the ones I described a few blogs back (maybe one blog??? no, two i think), and even if they are, I would like to think that they are a possibility in the real world. comforting, once again.
then again, so is thinking there is a god controlling your life and helping you along a safe path. what a load of crap that is...

to me.

still, i liked the idea.

whats with me and long blogs? that should be enough, i guess.
I was in love once, then I was pining. Then I was lost, obsessed and controlled. Now I'm fresh and alive again, and what a feeling it is to be able to look up and see the stars again.

guitar today, maybe??? who knows.

so things have changed, quite simply. Different situation than before, one which I did not want, but I guess I'm stuck with it for another year before it disappears...and after that? nothing, because by then I will be someone else. maybe? well, considering that next year almost all of my close friends WILL be gone, yes...things will change. year after? I'm done. I will be alone! but oh well.

I sent out one nasty email to two friends last night, but that moment has passed, thank god, and I'm looking over things. Though almost everything in that email is true, I'm pretty sure I'll live. and of course, I had a dream of him last night, one that just seemed to rub itself in my face the entire time, since it was a dream that will never be, now I know.

Other than those little bits of nonsense? Nothing really. I'll just start torturing myself about where things started to change and how. who wouldn't do that though, right?
I'm a 16-year-old girl who doesn't have the brain capacity to carry this stuff yet, so why should I try to ignore it and not try to sort through it bit by painful bit? Impossible to ignore it anyway...

oh well. nothing else. I wrote more to a song this morning, not long after i woke up (after my shower, actually). and aparently I have a cool room. woot!

adios for now
Ni mel Latye
te adoro
get lost!