bored

I wear pink
I’ve acted slutty
I’ve dyed my hair X
I’ve danced around in my underwear
I liked the Spice Girls
I wear makeup
I’ve snuck out to meet boys
I keep/kept a diary X
I like to call it a journal X
I love chocolate X
Chick Flicks make me cry
I’ve drank because of a guy
It takes me at least an hour to get ready
I love doing my hair
Guys X
guys are awesome X
My boyfriend is better than yours
I’m cute and I know it
I’m not cute and I know it X
Trucks are pretty much hot
I have low self-esteem X
I am in love X
I’ve given a guy a fake number
I’ve been honked at going down the road X
I’ve been hit on in public X
I’ve been called a slut
I probably deserved being called a slut
I’ve gone commando
I’ve been asked for my number by a guy I’ve just met
I’ve asked a guy for his number who I just met
My friends over-rule everything else
Guys over-rule everything else
I like pop music
I love singing X
I love dancing
I have my belly button pierced
I have my tongue pierced
Ive been a cheerleader or a dancer
I like rock or metal music X
My feet are always cold. X
I've watched every episode of a Saved By The Bell. X
I'd like to change at least 2 things about me physically. X
I'd rather it be pouring than it be sunny. X
I have more guy friends than girls. X
I've kissed on the first date before.
At least 2 of my friends are in band. X
I like school.
I wear contacts/glasses. X
I think teenage dating is over rated. X
I've been cheated on.
I like cats more than dogs. X
I've seen movies my friends have never heard of. X
I'm nice to people that I shouldn't be. X
It's hard for me to be myself. X
I never seem to have enough double a batteries.
I've gotten into a fist fight.
I get along with my family well.
I trust all my friends. X
I think ashlee simpson is 'punk'.
I've seen at least 3 episodes of the ashlee simpson show.
I've been on a skate board more than once
I love Snapple. X
My hair is its natural color.X
I'm good at most sports.
Halloween is my favorite holiday.
I'm confident of my sexuality.
I like George Bush.
I got more than 5 things for my last birthday.
I have a friend in trouble.
I'm religious. (does having a "Religious" tattoo count?)
I have a certain color that looks good on me. X
At least one of my family members has had cancer.
I've peed outside before. X
I've gotten lost in a new school at least 10 times. .
I think it's hot when guys wear pink. X
I've done things, and been copied off of within the hour. X
I've spent a weekend away from my parents/siblings. X
I dread school days. X (past tense - DreadED)
My heart has been broken. (not yet)
I want to go to college.
I've worn pj's to public places before. X
I have a steady job. X
I don't think skirts can be 'too short'.
I shop soley at one store for all my clothes.
I care what people think about me. X
I regret stupid things I've done in the past. X (But I wouldn't change it)
I think old bridge is ignorant and dirty.
My hair is naturally straight.
I wish I had natural curls.
I exercise.
I have a biting fetish.
I speak a different language.
A family member of mine is in the hospital.
I have at least 5 piercings.
I think I know what love is. X
I've been out of the country. X
I have my future planned out.
I think about the future often. X
I play an instrument of some type. X
I have nail polish on.
I like compliments.
I have undone homework sitting around.
I'm in love with Chad Michael Murray.
I bring a c.d. player to school.
Someone currently likes me.
I have a live animal in my room. X
I watch cartoons.
I drink a lot of water.
I read peoples away messages. X
I currently have plans for the weekend.
I've painted a room before. X
I wish I could sing.
I've been in a school play. X
I'm there for my friends, no matter what.X
I've been to Europe.
If I could, I would marry Johnny Depp.

fuck it

You're my first thought.
You're my Best Idea.
You're my last thought.
You're my sweetest dream.

life without you
Would lose it's taste.
Colours would dull,
Food a waste.

You make me better,
You make me dumb.
You take my breath-
My Lips go Numb

If I told you
You wouldn't hear.
Music Drowning it
Before it's near.

I love you more
Than morning light.
What good is that
When there's no fight?



no it doesn't work perfectly. Nothing does.

It's Fucking Sinatra, man!

Ladies and Gents, the Future tattoo...

Helplessly Hoping - CSNY

Helplessly hoping
Her harlequin hovers nearby
Awaiting a word
Gasping at glimpses
Of gentle true spirit
He runs, wishing he could fly
Only to trip at the sound of good-bye
Wordlessly watching
He waits by the window
And wonders
At the empty place inside
Heartlessly helping himself to her bad dreams
He worries
Did he hear a good-bye? Or even hello?
They are one person
They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are for each other
Stand by the stairway
You'll see something
Certain to tell you confusion has its cost
Love isn't lying
It's loose in a lady who lingers
Saying she is lost
And choking on hello
They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are for each other


should I ever forget.

WAR

not that kind.

What sane person can stand waking up, and having someone TRY to piss you off.
They know you aren't going to do anything, so they walk all over you, just to getin your face, remind you that you're shit.

Jesus.

All day today, This fucker was waging war against me. "Do the dishes before your mother gets home". he says this at 2, she's off at 5, I do them every day. I think I mentioned that already. But before I went to work, I left the computer on, to finish downloading a movie. and I KNEW he would try to turn it off as soon as I walked out the door. so I put a note on the computer, where you can't miss it, just saying DONT TURN OFF, BUSY.

fucker turned it off.

I wish I could fuck up his life somehow.
Oh wait, I already do, by living.

mission accomplished.

I guess I'm just the Enemy in this town.
fucker.
I'll give you a war. some day.

stick it to the man

I don't know why I bother fighting. it doesn't matter what I say, even if it's the god-for-saken truth, No one will believe me. What is it about me that makes people just say "Psh, yeah right, you're a fuckin liar"? How the fuck does that work out?

I just don't understand how this man gets away with it, making shit up in front of me, and getting away with it. I don't understand how his bullshit over-rides my truth. I don't get it.
Fuck. this world sucks. Why do I bother anymore?

6 months.
6 months.
6 months.

my precious mantra. 6. months

Someday I'll figure it all out, and I'll write it all down, so no one will miss out on it. Maybe they'll learn.
Someday everything will be better.

don't shoot me down anymore.

Your face, voice,
The laugh I love to hear.
The glimmer in the eye,
in the windows, in the sky.

Never the escape.
A dream I'll never leave.
The coma I die in.

The illusion in my eyes,
fixated on you,
another daydream,
lest you know..

Should you stumble,
Discover this delusion,
Think not of it.

The condition
that withers me.
The symptoms will pass,
The blood will thin,
The heart shant last.

Should you fall
upon this secret,
Dream not of it.

Windows,
Crowds,
Strangers,
Clowds,
Cars,
Rain,
Homes,
Pains.

Should you remember me,
Do not wonder.
I'm still here.

what can I say about last night?
Most of the time, I'm convinced that my heart has turned into a hunk of black ice. I just don't feel things anymore. I can't get "into" things. I can't find myself overwhelmed by emotions. at least, not the emotions I see everyone else living with. Sometimes I think I've numbed myself. I probably have.
but last night, I forgot to turn off. I couldn't. I couldn't let her go through it alone. Before I knew it, tears were going down my cheeks in the car, and it wasn't even my ordeal, it wasn't my moment of being afraid, of doing something I'm terrified of doing, of knowing that I could potentially lose something beautiful. It wasn't my moment to feel such things as she did. but still, I shared something with her. I cried for her. we sat together in the car, talking, listening, knowing what was about to happen, and knowing how we would feel afterwards, in the many different ways we could feel.
For the first time in a long time, I managed to get on the same wave-length as someone else, without having to fight my way there. There was no fight, only the fight to cover up my wet eyes.

It was a strange night.

can you feel the tension?

there's something about people in this circle. people seem to think that once they've experienced something, they know everything about anything remotely related to that experience. I'm guilty of this. we all are, when we're asked to give advice, we have to force ourselves to think that we know how to help, because we know what to do. but a lot of people seem to forget that what they experienced could be completely different than what the other person is going through.
People forget to five others the benefit of the doubt, or in this case, differences and variety. Everyone has a whole story behind them. Unless you can hear the whole story, you can't give them sound advice and knowing that it will be the right advice, that you won't be leading them astray.

Just because you know someone fairly well, doesn't mean you've witnessed their entire life, doesn't mean you've felt everything they've felt in surround sound. it doesn't mean you know them.
it just means you would recognize them on tv, in the paper, on the radio, in the crowd.

I don't know.
my brain is still boggled from last night
and life.
life's a bitch.

moving on.

Jeff is done work after this week. Saturday (next) will be his last day. my last day working with him. it kind of sucks, because, as much of a dork as he is, and as strange as his taste in things is, I like working with him. i enjoy it a lot. I can relax a bit more with him. I can joke around with the customers a little more, I can be a little more of myself at work.
I'll miss it, I guess.

oi.

how things change.
some things never do.

mah

Doo Wop

I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in things that are just Meant to be. I'm the kind of person who believes that she alone can control her life. I stick to that.

But for some reason, I still rely on that other factor, the one most people call God, or Destiny. I don't believe in those... So why do I wait? If I'm waiting, I must be waiting for something, right? Otherwise, why would I wait? No one waits when there's nothing to wait for...

unless they're screwy.
like me.
answer.
Ok, but it's not good enough for me.

I'm putting everything on Toronto. I'm waiting for Toronto.
I'm waiting for a response to a question I'm not asking.
I'm waiting for... people.
now, that's different. I'm not waiting for a force that cannot be reconciled with, or a GOD. I'm waiting for people...
I'm waiting for me to figure shit out.

yeah.
that works.

I've been having the same dream every night. Not exactly the same. But the mood doesn't change, doesn't miss a step in this torturous dance. Every night, the circumstances switch up a bit, and every morning, when I wake up, I feel the same thing and think the same word:
Shit.

I know what could be. I know what that alternate universe looks like. I know what I could REALLY be, who I could really be, where I could be, What I could be doing. who I could be with. I know what COULD be. But I do not strive towards it. not like most people do at least.
of course I work towards those dreams.

just a little slower.
Just a litter... uhh... more stoned. I guess.

I'm 18. I have a life ahead of me, assuming I'm not shot by some asshole when I move, or hit by a car, or the sky falls on me. Assuming. Assumptions are a dangerous thing. Just about everyone I know has made them too. except one.
but everyone else, yes, Everyone, has assumed the wrong thing about me.
and I'm guilty of the same thing, I'm sure. We're human, we have to have SOMETHING to jump off.

but assuming I don't die unexpectedly... I've got a while to figure things out.
it just sucks that I might be left behind in the dust.

that would suck.

it

You're in it

I dont know how you do this to me
one hour gone by, and I need you more than ever.
Like a drug addict for a fix.

You're always on my mind
Your face in strangers,
your voice in the crowds,
your eyes reflecting in the windows.

How do I escape you?

Deadspell

two days ago, I got out the Sao Paulo picture, and I added a few things to it. It's the big one I started over a year ago in art class, and never finished, because
A) I lost inspiration and drive. it was a terrible time.
B) It was HUGE
C) It was complicated.

For the longest time, it sat in my back hallway. until tuesday. I dragged it out, struggled to get it onto the easle... and I painted. Not a lot. only for forty minutes. a painful forty minutes, trying to put reference points on the canvas, so that the next try would be easier. it was hell. It's hell.

Today, I spotted an older project of mine behind my closet door. I abandoned the project several months ago. Today, I painted over it. Contemporary Art. My first one. My first completed painting in over a year.

It seems the hiatus might be drawing to its demise at last.

why did all this happen?

It might have something to do with setting a goal: To be able to bring these paintings to Toronto, on the condition that I am proud of them. meaning: They are complete paintings. Nothing I'm afraid to look at.
I wanted to finish Sao Paulo, so I could put it on my wall, to cover it, Maybe even for a door.
and this painting I did today? who knows. centre-piece in a future living room? Who knows.
But I love it.
I haven't felt this good in a long time. It's temporary, I know... but it feels so good to create something, and love it.
It's my first contemporary piece. It's.. nothing. just paint. everywhere. But, in there, are two pieces of paper, painted over. I don't know why i did it (It was a texture-esque thing). One had a poem on it, to *someone*, and the other was just blank...
I don't remember what the poem was. I never thought to write it down. but now it will always be a mystery. whenever I look at this painting, I'll remember that poem. I'll fancy I remember a line or two...

so thats it. the artist has picked up her brush again.
I hope this lasts.

Why Don't you get another job, so you're not around here anymore? Why don't you go do something mindless on the computer? Why don't you get an education or something? get a life.
Get a life.
Get a life.
Get a life.
Loser.

I don't put up with it much. Not nearly as much as I used to, thank god for the job that saved me from that, and my sudden birth of a social life. I manage to stay away from it most of the time, and this is helpful. It helps, in baby steps. and, like the person suffering from depression that I am, I can only take baby steps. Leaps and Bounds leave me running into walls face first.
So, In a way, I shouldn't complain about this anymore.
But all it takes is the tiniest "Ugh, what the hell are you watching now?". Like I've never heard disgust and contempt in a voice before. You couldn't use anymore. Like I'm the fucking anti-christ for watching a show, like everyone else in North America does.
All it takes is the inevitable start of the Running Commentary, by he who we do not deserve to stand up to, he who we are not allowed to share a room with, let alone a woman. He to whom i owe everything to, whos intelligence is unmatched...
wait. thats not right. Last time I checked, he was an farm-boy turned car-saleman turned driving-instructor... He's smart?

I don't know why he bothers me so much. I know what he does is classified as Emotional and Verbal abuse, minus a few curses, such as Fuck, and Bitch, and Slut, and all those. add those in, and I'm sure all that would be missing is the mass quantities of alcohol most people need to beat on someone they're legally related to.
What can I do?
Nothing.
Because I only get it once a week on average now, as opposed to going through it every night of my life, from eight years on to the year I got my job. my saviour.
I have no right to complain anymore, it seems.

So I stay quiet, refusing the almost over-powering urge to stand up to him verbally whilst throwing the remote at him, hopefully spilling his drink all over him. I stare at the TV, forgetting his presence. He's not really there. He's not human anyway, why should I acknowledge him?

people say all these things, make these suggestions. But it's not as good as releasing a can of whoop-ass. something I've never done. I can't hurt a single person on this planet, except for Bush. I could kill him no problem.
Gord is Bush.

Suggestions are only suggestions. they're only words.
They're only words.
But they hurt like hell from someone you know you can not escape from. It's not like a highschool bully. Eventually you graduate. you never see them again.

This man married my mother.

I can't run from that.

Therapist.
Welder.
Writer.
Painter.
Photographer.
Singer.

Things I have been suggested to do. Things I would like to do. Things that just seem to fit...
Last night I learned a little bit more about my mother and father. I learned that before he met my mother, My dad had a first wife named Linda. but it lasted only four or so months. THEY met in college, where my dad had gone to learn about photography. for a project, they had to pair up, and Linda came over to my dad and said "I'll be your partner, because I'm going to marry you". and my father, being the eccentric that he is, fell for that other eccentric. and thus they were married... and divorced. but it happens.
I learned my father was an actual Photographer, but he had to give it up when he moved to Stirling, since there was no business in stirling for photography, not compared to toronto, let alone in 1979/1980. So he took up mechanics, since that seemed to be needed at the time.

I've seen pictures of my dad when he was about this age. my brother is a carbon copy of him. just like I'm a carbon copy of my mother at my age. My mother and father met in a bakery, where my mother worked to pay off her Business School debts. He came in all the time for bread... but really just to see her.
they were together a year before marrying, and six months later my brother was born. Not a long time, my mother agreed with my last night.
five years later I was born.
somewhere between 2 and 3 years later, they divorced, and thus began the life I now know.
But I wish I knew my parents then, when they had met, when they lived together. the only living memory I have is of myself in a pail of water, with the dog coming up and licking away my water. I remember that, and nothing else.
"Something I would do, for sure" My father said to that memory.

I wish I knew them better.
I told my mother to write out her life story for me someday, like a writer would, Like I would. "Thats because You're a writer emily. That's something you WOULD do."
well not yet, not enough has happened to make a full book yet, HA!
I'll tell my father to do the same.
My aunt mickey is trying to get my grandmother to do such a thing as well. Good thing, since I won't be able to go see them for a while. not until I move to toronto on my own, at least, when I might be able to drop by on my own.


Funny how lives link together like that, how similar people are. My mother told me why she was with Gord. "Work Ethic". but no other ethic. I should have known that. He's faithful, she says, and works hard. Someone to support her.
I guess my dad couldn't do that.

I hate waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror, and knowing I could do better. I hate looking at myself and turning away before I can think anything more of it, because I know if I look a little longer, It'll keep getting worse.. and worse..
I can't help but pick myself apart. I have all day with nothing to do but pick myself apart. If I didn't live on a highway, in the country instead, where the chance of someone driving by or walking by is incredibly remote, I would be better off. I would be outside more often. I would be running. I would be happier. and no one seems to understand that. No one seems to GET that I am Terrified of going out. The thought of even the possibility of someone looking at me makes me sick. So why would I go out, if everytime I get ready to go out, I get a little more tense, breathing gets harder... and I'm supposed to RUN in these conditions? Some people can do that. I can't. I'm not one of those people.
But how can you expect a 120 lb woman to understand the fears of a 180 lb girl? you can't. No one in that position can understand. I don't care if my mother was the same size of me when she was my age... she fixed that with an eating disorder..
maybe I should do that. Maybe i should just stop eating altogether. I mean, if I can't burn it off, why not just avoid ingesting it altogether?

these are the thoughts that go through my head every fucking day of my life. Nothing fits me. Nothing looks good. I'm not good enough.
and everytime I have a dream like the one I had last night, it's a little stronger, these feelings of repulsion. it's not right to feel this way about yourself, but once you do, there isn't a lot to stop it. I want to do something. I want to feel strong when I go out. I don't want to hide in my jacket when I'm in public. i don't want to hide behind the counter at work. Its making me sick in every way imaginable.

No one who can actually help me wants to help me. No one cares.

why do I even bother asking anymore? Why do I bother complaining? Nothing comes of it. I ask, I BEG for SOMETHING to at least occupy myself with. and I'm ignored, because this doesn't matter. it's not important. It's affecting my ENTIRE LIFE, I think that matters!

GUH

i'm such a fucking girl.

bah. fuck off.

I'm wasting precious minutes before I go to work, to sit in front of my computer, like I do the entire night, looking at nothing, listening to something or other...

I had a strange dream last night, where we were all at a reunion, everyone I've ever known, and we were in the middle of this forest at this Church, this oddly shaped church. it was winter, and we were all outside having a BBQ, and for some reason something happened, and we had to go inside. and suddenly people started disappearing. I couldn't find anyone, and the people I did find didn't want me around. So I walked in a circle in this strange.. church.. thing.. that had no bathrooms... and I couldn't find anyone. So I went back outside and into the woods with my camera, and there was an earthquake, and mountains started coming out of the ground...
but when I got back to the church, no one had noticed the earthquake. probably because they were all almost gone, except for one person, who had come into the woods after me, to make sure I was alright... for some reason.

it was a strange dream.



Toronto. about seven months from now, I will be leaving Stirling. I'll be moving out for the first time. I'll be in the newly Trigger-happy Toronto. I've already expressed how I hope things will change when I move there. They're bound to, I'm not in this house anymore. things are going to change. everything will change. I'll be far from the people I'm normally close to all the time, save for Calista. I'll be hanging out with new people, assuming I "hang out" at all... I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I don't know what to do with my life. It's been a while since this new plan has been set in stone, but still people give me scowls when they hear I'm not going to school, i'm just going to work. "How long do you plan on doing that for?", oh i don't know, my life-time I guess...
I want to do something. but what is there to do?
Maybe I'll be inspired. Maybe I'll spend those lonely nights walking down the streets, finding different lives clashing together to make something. Maybe I'll sit on the balcony having a smoke, listening to the traffic and trying to find the stars in the smog. Maybe... something will change.
I won't see Ava get bigger. not that much, at least. I won't see my father. I won't see my mother. I won't be in this nutshell anymore. But I've been in it for so long, the thought of being anywhere else is terrifying me, because I don't know what anything else is like. I've never been out in the world. I'm scared of public transit, but I'm going to live in a city where that's me only means of transportation. I'm scared of people, but I'll be bumping into them no matter where I am! I love my privacy, but I'm going to have three other girls as roomies. My life is literally going to be turned upside down on me, and the best I can do is brace myself, grab onto something and hold on for my life...

I wish I was bullet proof.

boredom

Use Bold for the One's You Liked, Use Italics If You've Seen It

01. Night at the Roxbury
02. Shrek
03. M
04. Dogma
05. Strictly Ballroom
06. The Princess Bride
07. Love, Actually
08. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
09. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
10. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
11. Reservoir Dogs
12. Desperado
13. Swordfish
14. Kill Bill, Vol. 1
15. Donnie Darko
16. Spirited Away
17. Better Than Sex
18. Sleepy Hollow
19. Pirates of the Caribbean
20. The Eye
21. Requiem for a Dream
22. Dawn of the Dead(The Original)
23. The Pillow Book
24. The Italian Job
25. Goonies
26. Baseketball
27. The Spice Girls Movie
28. Army of Darkness
29. The Color Purple
30. The Saftey of Objects
31. Can't Hardly Wait
32. Mystic Pizza
33. Finding Nemo
34. Monsters Inc.
35. Circle of Friends
36. Mary Poppins
37. The Bourne Identity
38. Forrest Gump
39. A Clockwork Orange
40. Kindergarten Cop
41. On The Line
42. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
43. Final Destination
44. Sorority Boys
45. Urban Legend
46. Cheaper by the Dozen
47. The Crow
48. The Princess and the Warrior
49. Seabiscuit
50. Hard Core Logo
51. Phantom of the Paradise
52. Zardoz
53. Lost in Translation
54. American Beauty
55. Big Fish
56. Starship Troopers
57. Starship Troopers 2
58. The Lost Boys
59. All About Eve
60. Showgirls
61. Swept Away
62. Star Wars: A New Hope
63. Black Hawk Down
64. Elizabeth
65. The Shawshank Redemption
66. Four Weddings and a Funeral
67. The Sound of Music
68. Notting Hill
69. Scotland, PA
70. Oxygen
71. Ringu
72. Shrunken Heads
73. Legends
74. About a Boy
75. Lilo and Stitch
76. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
77. Pitch Black
78. Maid in Manhattan
79. Willow
80. Secret Of Nymh
81. Throughly Modern Millie
82. The Cutting Edge
83. Anna and the King
84. The American President
85. Save The Last Dance
86. Grease
87. Dirty Dancing
88. Mad Love
89. Lantana
90. Kiss the Sky
91. Braveheart
92. Dark City
93. SLC Punk
94. Memento
95. In America
96. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
97. The Wedding Planner
98. Empire Records
99. Edward Scissorhands
100. Almost Famous
101. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie
102. Star Trek Generations
103. Beyond The Mat
104. Transformers: The Movie
105. Scary Movie
106. X-Men
107. Ghost
108. Changing Lanes
109. Hangman's Curse
110. Broken Arrow
111. Mona Lisa Smile
112. Moulin Rouge
113. The Ninth Gate
114. Emma
115. The Name of the Rose
116. Top Gun
117. Heartbreak Ridge
118. U-571
119. Ghost Ship
120. Johnny English
121. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
122. The Fifth Element
123. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
124. Holes
125. The Pianist
126. Amelie
127. Road Trip
128. Miracle
129. Center Stage
130. Spider-Man
131. Exorcist
132. Omen
133. 8 Mile
134. Son in Law
135. Stepmom
136. Dr. Strangelove
137. Full Metal Jacket
138. Lolita
139. Little Shop of Horrors
140. Annie
141. Rocky Horror Picture Show
142. Being John Malkovich
143. Monty Python & the Holy Grail
144. Street Fighter Alpha: The Movie
145. Under the Tuscan Sun
146. The Four Feathers
147. Gosford Park
148. Bubble Boy
149. Without a Paddle
150. Labyrinth
151. Shrek 2
152. Spider-Man 2
153. X-Men 2
154. Ever After
155. Great Expectations
156. Orgazmo
157. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
158. The Matrix
159. Underworld
160. Anchorman
161. Leon: The Professional
162. The Cooler
163. Head (1969)
164. Bridget Jones's Diary
165. Albino Aligator
166. Chasing Amy
167. The Usual Suspects
168. The Shape of Things
169. 13 Conversations About One Thing
170. Hero
171. Rules of Attraction
172. I (heart) Huckabees
173. Farenheit 9/11
174. Akira
175. Garden State
176. Ghost in the Shell
177. Kissing Jessica Stein
178. Sailor Moon: Super S
179. Adaptation
180. Punch Drunk Love
181. Mulan
182. Napoleon Dynamite
183. Pleasantville
184. Rat Race
185. Blue Crush
186. In Good Company
187. 13 Going on 30
188. Elf
189. Life Is Beautiful
190. Cruel Intentions
191. Princess Mononoke
192. Mallrats
193. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
194. Fight Club
195. Phantom of the Opera The original one
196. First Knight
197. Alexander
198. Real Genius
199. Secretary
200. Quills
201. Detroit Rock City
202. Beetlejuice
203. Thirteen
204. Trainspotting
205. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
206. Weird Science
207. Mean Girls
208. The Bourne Supremecy
209. Dodgeball
210. Meet the Parents
211. Meet the Fockers
212. Troy
213. Saw
214. The Passion of the Christ
215. Ray
216. Collateral
217. Coach Carter
218. Assault on Precinct 13
219. Hitch
220. Finding Neverland
221. National Treasure
222. Million Dollar Baby
223. Cellular
224. The Terminal
225. Mr. 3000
226. Head of State
227. Blue Streak
228. National Security
229. Rush Hour
230. Rush Hour 2
231. Shanghai Noon
232. Shanghai Knights
233. XXX
234. The Fast and the Furious
235. 2 Fast 2 Furious
236. The Last Samurai
237. Van Helsing
238. Oceans Eleven
239. Oceans Twelve
240. Men in Black
241. Men in Black II
242. I, Robot
243. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
244. Zoolander
245. Rose Red
246. The Silence of the Lambs
247. Hannibal
248. Red Dragon
249. Prophecy trilogy
250. Interview with the Vampire
251. Queen of the Damned
252. Pi
253. Ichi The Killer
254. Suspiria
255. Spun
256. A Beautiful Mind
257. Nightmare Before Christmas
258. The Butterfly Effect
259. White Noise
260. Alone in the Dark
261. The Aviator
262. American Psycho
263. Die Hard
264. Die Hard 2
265. Die Hard with a Vengeance
266. Batman
267. Batman Returns
268. Batman Forever
269. Batman & Robin
270. Resident Evil
271. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
272. What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
273. Blade
274. Blade II
275. Blade : Trinity
276. The Blues Brothers
277. Blues Brothers 2000
278. Ghostbusters
279. Ghostbusters 2
280. Clue
281. Raiders of the Lost Ark
282. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
283. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
284. Street Fighter
285. Super Mario Brothers
286. Gremlins
287. Gremlins 2
288. The Addams Family
289. Addams Family Values
290. Superman
291. Superman II
292. Superman III
293. Superman IV
294. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
295. Beavis & Butt-head Do America
296. Ed Wood
297. Donnie Brasco
298. Pulp Fiction
299. Face/Off
300. Con Air
301. Mission: Impossible
302. M:1-2M
303. Escape from Alcatraz
304. Speed
305. Speed 2
306. Go
307. The Godfather
308. The Godfather Part II
309. The Godfather Part III
310. Manhunter
311. UHF
312. Mortal Kombat
313. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
314. Saving Private Ryan
315. The Relic
316. Enemy at the Gates
317. Home Alone
318. Home Alone 2
319. Home Alone 3
321. Happy Gilmore
322. Billy Madison
323. The Waterboy
324. Little Nicky
325. Dirty Work
326. Tommy Boy
327. Black Sheep
328. Death Wish
329. Pecker
330. Cecil B. Demented
331. The Shining
332. Carrie
333. Pet Sematary
334. Pet Sematary Two
335. The Terminator
336. Terminator 2
337. Terminator 3
338. Ned Kelly
339. Kate & Leopold
340. Mystic River
341. I Am Sam
342. Joan of Arc
343. 50 First Dates
344. Atilla
345. Timeline
346. Titanic
347. Reign of Fire
348. Legends of the Fall
349. The Mask of Zorro
350. Rudy
351. Signs
352. The Village
353. Gladiator
354. The Bumblebee Flies Anyway.
355. The War
356. Gothika
357. Se7en
358. Hairspray
359. Love Me If You Dare/Jeux d'enfants
360. Maria Full of Grace
361. Vampire Clan
362. Once Upon A Time in Mexico
363. A Soldiers Girl
464. Ong Bak : Thai Warrior
465. Rigoletto
466. Stargate
467. A League of Their Own
468. The Last Unicorn
469. Dark Crystal
470. Return of the Jedi
471. Shaun of the Dead
472. Sin City

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
cat scratch

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Everything I own. literally. Everything is attatched to my wall in some way

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
I own no such horror

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
good music

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
early morning, i believe

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
a Bike machine! and my stomach to stop being stupid.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
a friend of mine that I really love and because he moved I never see him

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
my middle finger

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
yeah

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
only if I hear something that ISN'T normal

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
stupid-head

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Sui Dreams. it's the only one I own. I baught it with Mike. heh.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Brown, Green...? uhh, yeah

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT
side of the road.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
coffee, but not a lot of it

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
cheese. I hate meat. or anything fun-kay!

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
pizza, mmmmm

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
I think my boss.... possibly others

20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE
yeah, but it's a broken language most people refer to as Swear words.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU:
a diaper

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
Does it really matter?

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No, my bones are just reversed.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
cotton...?

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
a very old one that looks horrible but runs perfectly... or a duster.. or an El Camino.

26.DO YOU HAVE A HEADACHE RIGHT NOW?
I always have a headache.

27.HOW BIG IS YOUR HEADACHE?
tiny, compared to normal

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Could you control it?

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
"You have infected me with AIDS". I think that would mean something, wouldn't it?

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED :
123456789101122235481238964231898465123165787984531234598089158902273294102

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
men

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
My brothers

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
people. mostly just me though

>34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE COUNTRY?
yes. for two days. in the states. what a waste..

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
myself

37. FIRST JOB?
the pro. still there.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
only to my sister in law. she knew it was me... she had call display

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS?
Working

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Lypo suction, baby!

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
Because..........

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
how good I am in bed

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
bitch a lot

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
too late for that!

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
2?

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Emily Carr, the Painter. Born on the same day as Emily Dickinson, the poet.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
No

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
the one I'm giving you right now

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
right now from the agony of the world

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I don't handwrite. use my toes

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
the lack of it

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
smoking

53 . WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
Bjork, bitches


54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
fuck no

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
nope

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
to a degree.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I don't. thats the problemo, my friend

58.WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
I don't have a second home. I don't have a first home. Home is where the heart is.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
fuck no.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
my cars and my horses. together.

61.HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Nil

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
nooooo

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
alas, the only REAL BIG CONCERT i've been to was a Sigur Ros concert... no moshing there...

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Nothing. I look for nothing.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Bitch, Asshole, Smartass, Stupid, Jerk, Em.

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
no, I'm stupid.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
tonight, chocolate

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
Green, Blue, Black

73. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
If I said that, I would be trusting others easily, and I think I already mentioned that I DONT

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
none, as far as I know

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
......no?


76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Dave Brubeck

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Breakfast

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Some guy calling the store

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Eyes. and by eyes, i mean penis

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
anything radiohead

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE:
that boy

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
tonight, water

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN:
mine, Sagi

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
fuck'em all

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Brown, with left-over blackish, and bits of redish shit

86. EYE COLOR?
Green, I'm told

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
When I'm too lazy to put my contacts in

88. SIBLINGS?
Brotha and the in-laws

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
A lot of them

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
OH YEAH! That was a fun night! man!

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
I think it was Oprah...

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
New years eve

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Shy? no. Incapable due to classified reasons? yes.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
autumn

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
hugs. kisses are offically off-limits

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Neither.

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
No one. this is a blog. I don't email this shit anymore.

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
the world!

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Nothing.

yes, the numbers get fucked up. too bad.

...later....

Yeah, I just decided to re-read a couple posts from Last new years...
funny how little you change, and yet your mindset seems like it's on a completely dfferent wave-length. A whole different person wrote that, one year ago. so much changed. I made similar resolutions, but this year I made sure they remained Vague and without any deadlines. Just.. something to THINK about this year. God.... I went into 2005 thinking so many things, and this year, so many of those thoughts are gone, or changed... dead or dying.
I read about Josh. I forgot about him. I'm forgetting him. I'm forgetting a lot of people. People are starting to slip out of my life now. and that's what happens in life, isn't it? People slip away, to be forgotten, to forget you. I die everytime I forget someone. just a little bit.

Maybe that's why the idea of "feeling" seems so far off this year. Maybe that's why I can't seem to tap into those Emotions I was being overwhelmed with a year ago. Because they're dying away with the people who brought them on? I don't know...

Calista feels that this year is going to be good, and I agree with her. In the year that's passed, I've gone through some changes. I feel very very different, I can't explain it... but while 2006 is going to be good, It's not going to be easy for me. This new year is completely hidden from me. I can't tell what kind of year this will be...
maybe that's a good thing?

2006

Yeah yeah yeah, happy new year and all that shit. I didn't blog last night when I got home, because... I was lazy and tired and didn't feel like typing yet. I watched tv instead! yeah!

Cal came over for a bit, we watched Encino man until 2 in the morning. fucked. up.

so, new years...
I ingested a few liquids, inhaled many things, but didn't get fucked up like I thought I was. my original plans didn't go through either, but nothing ever does, does it? As long as you can get along with Murphy, you're all good.
So, despite my ingesting and inhaling as much as I could without killing myself (from my former sickness), and not getting messed up, I DID manage to wake up hung-over and slightly ICK... but I always wake up that way. I'm not a morning person, not for a few hours at least. Good reason for waking up such a way is probably from all the smoke in the air (and my lungs)... but meh.
I'm still icky today. I thought I was going to be sick earlier, but the breakfast club saved me. oh TV, my only favourable companion in the aftermath of parties and departures.
oivay.

ok, I'm done now.
happy year