seven or eight years ago, I puked from eating the wrong thing.
I haven't puked since then. Not once. Not from drinking too much, smoking too much, eating the wrong thing, flu, nothing...
Until this morning.
Halfway through my shower, I abandoned all hope of conditioning my hair, got out, and puked. There wasn't much to puke up, mind you, but I puked. now, I feel a whoooole lot better.
But I suddenly doubt I'm going to be able to do what I want to do on New years tomorrow. The things I plan on doing MIGHT make my stomach hurt again, and though puking has helped me relax a bit, I can feel it getting twitchy again.

why did I puke?
two possibilities.
One is that my brother was sick, and I was over there a couple days ago, when Halesha was just picking up the sickness herself. but they sleep together, I didn't think it would be all that contagious. apparently I was wrong.
That...
or...
last night wasn't nice to me. I mean, I had an incredible amount of stress on myself last night, more than I've had in a while. knowing me, thats probably a player in this odd event.

man, I was so proud of that too! A least seven years without puking! man! that blows!

maybe I'll take tonight off.... I'm thinking I'm going to feel all that great.

Why I work when I can... besides the money..

Is it too much to ask for a little respect? I haven't been eight years old for ten years. I haven't been a child for a long time. I'm not a moron, I'm not ignorant. So why is it so hard to move on from my former childishness (being a ten year old or so) the way you "move on" from my idiotic TV shows? you must live in a fucked up world or something. since when was Mythbusters a show, literally, for retarded, stupid people like myself? Why is it so hard for you to treat me like another human being? Why can't you give me the benefit of the doubt, like you would a stranger in the street? Can't you just treat me like the adult that I am now? How is that too much to ask? How do I NOT deserve something? I'm not your doormat, I'm not your Tool. I'm not for you to benefit from. GET IT ALREADY?
Grow the fuck up.
your job is NOT as bad as mine. You let people drive you around all day... in a parking lot. You sit all day. since when do you have to deal with idiots in such a way that you can't POSSIBLY point out what they're doing wrong? Since when have you had to suck up YOUR pride on the job? you're the TEACHER. You don't get harassed by horny old men. You don't get called an idiot for making a mistake, YOU do that to your idiot students.
guess what: you don't know everything and everyone. people aren't the same as you. No one has the same background, or education, or life experience in general. when will you learn that? I already have, I have to to do what I do.
and yet, I'M an idiot. I'm a child. I don't have the brain capacity for the world.
I'm sorry I'm not voting Liberal, but you know what? I don't want to get a Satisfactory Government controlling my country. I want the best. I want to follow MY beliefs. I'm sorry if I think the world could be a better place, and that what we're doing IS wrong, and that I am such a "hippie".

how is it so hard to see these things? How is it so hard? Why do I put up with you putting me down every minute I spend around you?
someday, I'm going to insult YOU every chance I get. and you won't be able to do shit all about it. I'll make you feel that way I've felt the last ten years of my life: like I'm a cage, with an asshole retard poking me in the gut with a fucking stick.
see how you like it.

there's a severe lack of appreciation and empathy in this place. Sometimes I find it amazing that I never tried to Off myself in the past few years. Those two people in the room behind me know NOTHING about the last few years of my life. They don't know that last year I dated a thirty year old. They don't know I've spent the last three years in depression. They don't know just HOW LOW my self-esteem is, and what lows I would go to to drop a few pounds. They don't know I smoke as much as I do, that I've done pot, and that I have two grams in my room right now. They don't know about my pink bong, my papers, my headaches... they know nothing. but they act like they do.
and I say nothing. because I know better. How can you blame them for acting like that? I never talk about it.

But, for fucks sake, don't say the Litter box for the cats should be in my room, where no one would notice it, and be so fucking serious. Don't insult my tastes in movies and music because you think yours is premium. Don't make assumptions about something you know nothing about. you wouldn't nag to an astronaut about the effects of weightlessness in space on ants, would you? of course not, you're not an astronaut, you aren't a rocket scientist.
the same goes for human behaviour, jerkoff.

Am I asking too much when I say to Leave me Alone? I'm trying to AVOID causing my mother to endure yet another fight between us. Why would you nag at me still? oh right, because it proves that you won the right. you fucking three year old.

just.. grow up, or cut me out of your life. because when I move out, thats what I'm doing to you. You are not my family. my family doesn't treat me like shit. and never try to insult them by calling them your family too.
Just stay away from me forever.

you know, this christmas wasn't all that bad. I didn't get the rowing machine, but today I went shopping, and baught two sets of pants... size 13. i mean, 13! i thought I was at least a 16 a few months ago. when I found my black pants, I found they were 15! the last pants I baught were 14, and now I fit perfectly into 13.... its good. it feels good to wear things that fit.

however, I still have some rolls to eliminate. I'm gonna have to buy that rowing machine myself, from someone... hmm...

last night Tom came over, and we went to see Fun with Dick and Jane. but, it was a 7:40 show, so i figured we would stop to eat macdonalds or something.
OH!, but WAIT, it's Christmas. nothing open. except famous players. so, we're sitting in the car, belting out rent, and i say "Lets see Narnia. it starts at 6:30, and its 6 now." because I'm not waiting and hour and forty minutes to see jim carrey. love the guy, but narnia... man... Tumnus... heh, HOT
anyway, it ended up being a good christmas. when I got home from narnia (after dropping off tom, i love that boy!), Calista and I hung out for a couple hours, just talking. Just. Talking. it was good, too. It's nice to be able to sit with someone, and just spill it all out. thats what everyone needs, and for once, i have it. I have never appreciated someone so much.
i'm SO happy im living with her next year! HA! that will be hilarious and great. oivya...

so, christmas, this year, was a learning experience. everyday is, really, but this year had a few firsts, lots of reminders, and eye openers. no drama. no pain. just.... time.

I'm not a festive person. I don't buy a lot for many people, mostly those who are dearest to me, who I see the most, you know, I'm pretty cheap.
I'm not a religious person, not on this holiday. It doesn't apply to me. To me, Jesus COULD have been a real guy, but no son of god. no god bullshit. I gave up on the ideal "god" uselessness years ago. I'm a proud buddhist... but I'm a bitter one, at that.

This year isn't one of those years to be ranked as "great!". I'm not going anywhere this holiday. the only reason I dont work Christmas day is because it's fallen on my day off anyway. But I can see myself being asked to work sunday. and what would I say? "*sigh*, yeah, sure..."
because I'm not going anywhere.
I see my dad and brother and niece tomorrow after work, thats our christmas together. a night at the brothers.
and, yes, while I get to see my brother and father, the two people I dont see enough of, and who I love so dearly, it just isn't enough to me. Christmas, for me, isn't a great holiday full of mirth and peace. peace my ass. tomorrow is going to be hectic in work, but I only work five hours instead of six. No peace.
and while there will be good times at my brothers, it's not enough for me. It's not enough.
I had hopes of going to mississauga this weekend, to see my grandmother and aunt, two other people I love dearly and NEVER see enough of... but they don't want us to bother them. and though that sounds cruel to say, it feels like that to me. I know they're great people, thats why I love them... it just hurts me a lot to know that i'll be lucky to see them before I move to toronto... in eight months.

I dont know. I've never been a big holiday person. when I told my mother I was going to stay home on sunday, she almost screamed at me.
"It's christmas, emily! You're not going to stay home ALONE on christmas!"
Why the fuck not? it's just like every other day of the week for me, only everyone else has decided to do all their buying on the same day, because it's an excuse to indulge.
see, they're going to a christmas party at my step-dads sister's house. the family that will be there is gords family, people I dont know, and though I'm sure they're great people, I dont want to know them.
I am a very private person. truth is, even if I didn't work tonight, I probably wouldn't have gone to the christmas dinner my friends had tonight. I'm not a social person. it's not meant to offend any of those people... I'm just... not capable of it.
Christmas. Mass of Christ. fuck. i dont like this holiday. why should people give things to people they like on certain holidays?
thats the sort of thing that should happen on the spur of the moment. there shouldn't be an excuse....

I dont know. I just don't like how busy the store will be tomorrow.

well, It's christmas, people... are you satisfied with yourselves? what do I want for christmas? I asked for one thing from my mother, one thing, and I made it clear that getting JUST this ONE item would make my christmas good....
I'm not getting it.
its childish, but it disappoints me. she asked me for something that she wanted, even needed... I baught it for her. its christmas, the season where you ask and receive. heh.
i'm spending sunday on my own, of my own free will, because I would be SO much happier here, alone, on the Family Unionesue holiday, than in a household of Gord relatives, people I dont know, don't care about....
I would rather surround myself with nothing, than falsehoods. It's cruel, but thats the truth baby, and I'm stickin to it.

Who'd have thunk it

I wake up
and the day feels broken
I tilt my head
I'm trying to get an angle

'Cause the evening
I've always longed for
it could still happen

How do I master
the perfect day
six glasses of water
seven phonecalls

If you leave it alone
it might just happen
anyway

It's not up to you - well, it never really was...

If you wake up
and the day feels a-broken
just lean into the crack
and it will tremble
ever so nicely
notice
how it sparkles
down there

I can decide what I give
but it's not up to me
what I get given

Unthinkable surprises
about to happen
but what they are

It's not up to you
well, it never really was...

There's too much
clinging
to peak
there's too much
pressure


- It's not up to you, Bjork

Some people have a gift, where they can open themselves to their own brain, their own thoughts, and pick out just the right combination of words to represent those thoughts, turning those perfectly selected words into poetry, lyrics, whatevers. Sometimes I think I can do that, turn my eyeballs around in their sockets, and look at myself, analyze it, and write it out perfectly, thus passing on everything I see to another person, without failing to show the correct image.
but if I ever could, I seemed to have lost it, or it's changing, and I can't see it. Either I'm changing, or my perspective is changing. or both. either way, I can't seem to get it out anymore.
I told Ki the other night that I'm much more angry than I look.
its true.
But I never speak it. I hardly write it anymore, because I can't seem to get it to mean anything, and if it doesn't mean anything, or it doesn't have the RIGHT meaning, it's useless, and I'm left with this anger still inside me, burning away at me.
and it is in my eighteenth year that I'm noticing how much this anger is burning away at myself. where this anger is coming from, who knows. Step-father, past insults, problems, asshole customers, bad drivers, war, George W bush, who the fuck knows? but people, if you think I'm a kind person, well.... okay, I'll be nice and say that I CAN be a good person, but there are a lot of negative thoughts in my head. and almost every one of them is against myself.
Someday I'll keep a journal of every bad thought that goes through my head. and maybe I'll post it here. but in the mean time, I'll make one last effort to make it clear how angry I am, and how horrible it feels.
the boiling point is drawing nigh, very fucking nigh.
everything that happens to me, disappoints me, bothers me, hurts me, everything adds up inside, and it's not going anywhere. not when I sleep (I wake up angry, pissed off that I had to get out of bed today...), not when I walk, not when I drive, not when I smoke, not when I drink, eat, work, talk, write.... my outlets have been plugged, dammed up by something unforseen, and if I don't figure that out soon, I'm going to explode, and whats left of the charred remains will be a wholly different person...
It scares me.


It's funny, how some of these nights I'll figure out something else about myself, and yet I'm no closer to understanding it, and dealing with it the way I should. I learn something more, without a step closer to IT... and a year later it changes anyway, because we're always changing.
I suppose I'll always be like this than, won't I? Always in the dark, unable to get it out, to fix it, or even comfort it in the midst of it's turmoil...

sleeping sickness

Well, i've got the first sickness of the season. I feel horrible. I hurt everywhere, and I'm being nagged about having to shovel a foot and a half of snow. I can't move. I don't want to work tonight, I'm absolutely dead today. D E A D. Shitty. shit - tea.

Had some tea, thought I was going to puke until i ate something. that helped. gord just put the tree up, he'll nag me about that soon, just like he nagged me at 8 in the morning for keys to a car he doesn't drive. asshole.
I feel horrible. i want to go back to bed. I feel like shit shit shit shit shit. and adrienne wont work for me tonight, in all likliness, so I'm screwed. I'll wait a bit before i decide to call her and ask.

i don't want to shovel! fucking snow, just HAS to show up the night I get sick.
this is unbelievable, how much of me hurts. every part of me hurts, physically, mentally. I should NOT work tonight. the thing is, I can breath through my nose OKAY, i guess, and my throat is just.. funny. but my body aches, my head is funny. everything is off today. it's not a day to fight. bah. and it's friday, the busiest night of the week. i just HAD to get sick now. right now.
maybe it'll be gone by monday, or next friday.

oh, i hurt so much. I need a hug, and no one's around to give me one. I'd rather stab gord than hug him, today at least.

oh my knees...

bored?

>put an X next to every movie you've seen---if you have more than 200
>...you're
>a movie whore

>
>
>
>(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
>( ) The Mexican
>(X) Fight Club
>(x) Starsky and Hutch
>( ) Neverending Story
>( ) Blazing Saddles
>(x) Garden State
>( ) The Princess Bride
>( ) Young Frankenstien
>(X) AnchorMan
>(X) Napoleon Dynamite
>(x) Saw
>(x) White noise
>(x) White Oleander
>( ) Anger Management
>
>total here: 9
>
>()50 First Dates
>( )Jason X
>()Scream
>()Scream 2
>()Scream 3
>()Scary Movie
>()Scary Movie 2
>()Scary Movie 3
>()American Pie
>()American Pie 2
>()American Wedding
>(X)Harry Potter
>(X)Harry Potter 2
>(X)Harry Potter 3
>(X)Harry Potter 4
>(x)Resident Evil
>( )Resident Evil 2
>(X)The Wedding Singer
>( )Little Black Book
>
>total here : 6
>
>(x)The Village
>(x)Donnie Darko
>()Lilo & Stitch
>(X)Finding Nemo
>(X)Finding Neverland
>(x)13 Ghosts
>(X)Signs
>(X)The Grinch
>()Texas Chainsaw Massacre
>()White Chicks
>(X)Butterfly Effect
>(x)13going on 30
>(x) I Robot
>(x)Dodgeball
>( )Universal Soldier
>()A Series Of Unfortunate Events
>(X)Along Came A Spider
>(X)Deep impact
>
>total here:13
>
>( )KingPin
>()Never Been Kissed
>()Meet The Parents
>( )Meet the Fockers
>( )Eight Crazy Nights
>()A Cinderella Story
>(x)The Terminal
>( )The Lizzie McGuire Movie
>(x)Passport to Paris
>(X)Dumb & Dumber
>()Dumb & Dumberer
>( )Final Destination
>( )Final Destination 2
>()Halloween
>(X)The Ring
>()The Ring 2
>(X)Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
>(x)Practical Magic
>(X)Chicago
>( )Ghost Ship
>(x)From Hell
>( )Hellboy
>(X)Secret Window
>(X)I Am Sam
>(X)The Whole Nine Yards
>(X)The Whole Ten Yards
>(X)The Day After Tomorrow
>()Child's Play
>( )Bride of Chucky
>()Ten Things I Hate About You
>()Just Married
>(x)Gothika
>()Nightmare on Elm Street
>(x)Sixteen Candles
>()Bad Boys
>()Bad Boys 2
>()Joy Ride
>(X)Seven
>(x)Oceans Eleven
>( )Oceans Twelve
>(X)Idenity
>
>total here: 18
>
>( )Lone Star
>(x)Predator I
>(x)Predator II
>(X)Independence day
>()Cujo
>( )A Bronx Tale
>()Darkness Falls
>( )Christine
>(X)ET
>( )Children of the Corn
>( )My boss' daughter
>( )Maid in Manhattan
>( )Frailty
>(X)How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
>()She's All That
>(x)Calendar Girls
>(x)Sideways
>(x)Mars Attacks
>
>total here: 8
>
>( )Event Horizon
>(X)Ever after
>(X)Forrest Gump
>(X)The Others
>()Freaky Friday
>( )Reign of Fire
>()The Hot Chick
>()Swimfan
>( )Miracle
>(x)Old School
>(x)Ray
>()The Notebook
>(x)K-Pax
>
>total here: 6
>
>(X)Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
>(x)Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
>(x)Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
>()A Walk to Remember
>( )Boogeyman
>()Hitch
>(X)The Fifth Element
>(x)Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace
>(x)Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones
>(x)Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith
>(x)Star Wars episode IV A New Hope
>(X)Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back
>(X)Star Wars episode VI Return of the Jedi
>( )Troop Beverly Hills
>( )Swimming with Sharks
>(X)Air Force One
>(x)For Richer or Poorer
>( )People under the stairs
>( )Blue Velvet
>()Sound of Music
>()Parent Trap
>( )The Burbs
>(x)The Terminator
>(x)Empire Records
>(x)Meet Joe Black
>(x)A Clockwork Orange
>( )the Order
>(X)Spiderman
>(x)Spiderman 2
>( ) Amelie
>( ) Scotland, PA
>( ) The Graduate
>
>total here: 18
>
>()Mean Girls
>(X)Shrek
>()Shrek 2
>()The Incredibles
>(x)Collateral
>()The Fast & The Furious
>( )2 Fast 2 Furious
>(x)Sky Captain and The World Of Tomorrow
>(x)Closer
>
>total here: 4

>(X)Titanic
>( )Saved
>(X)Bowling For Columbine
>(X)Farenheit 9/11
>(X)The Sixth Sense
>(x)Artificial intelligence
>(X)Love, Actually
>( )Shutter
>( )Ella Enchanted
>()Princess diaries 1
>()Princess diaries 2
>(x)Constantine
>(x)Million Dollar Baby
>( )envy
>(X)Eurotrip
>()Malibu's Most wanted
>(X)Big Daddy
>()black sheep
>(X)The Breakfast Club
>(X)West side story
>
>total here : 12

>()A Christmas Story
>(x)spanglish
>(X)Pulp Fiction
>( )sleepover
>()The Evil Dead
>( )Killer Klowns From Outer Space
>()The Seed of chucky
>(X)Vanilla Sky
>()Nightmare Before Christmas
>(X)eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
>(X)Interview With The Vampire
>()The Crow
>( )Purple Rain
>(X)Wayne's World
>
>total here: 6

>()Wayne's World 2
>(x)21 Grams
>(x)Blow
>(X)Edward Scissorhands
>( )Clerks
>(X)Beauty and the Beast
>( )Guess who
>( )monster in-law
>(x)elf
>(X)stuart little
>()stuart little 2
>( )Chasing amy
>(X)dogma
>( )jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
>
>total here: 7
>
>()Beetlejuice
>(x)Last Samurai
>(x)The Amityville Horror
>()The Aviator
>()romeo and Juliet
>( )Barbershop
>( )Barbershop 2
>(x)Beauty Shop
>()legally blonde
>()legally blonde 2
>(x)the forgotten
>()confessions of a teenage drama queen
>()the grudge

total here: 4

total overall: 111

Lately, all that goes through my head when I think of you is what I'm saying when I'm telling you everything. All that I can think of is how to say it, when to say it, what to actually SAY. what would I do?
Oh, I am a foolish girl in a foolish world trying to live in a better world.... eg.

I'll think about wrapping up the gifts I baught for christmas, I look at yours... when should I drop that off? could I tell you then?...

I'm at my brothers, watching tv, zoning out... there you are! right there! with your best buddy... I'm there too, but, that doesn't matter.... would telling you change that? Would telling you everything make you think of me differently? negatively?

it doesn't matter what I do, or when I do it, i know the response already. so should I tell you?
yes- you deserve to know. I mean, it does involve you, you should know!
no- no one wants to be in an awkward situation.


oh, night time. it's snowing, again. I need to wrap things up for everyone..

you are wonderful, and its beautiful, but I'm already somebody's baby... thank you Elliott smith.

you know, it can be such a black and white situation to some stranger looking in on it all. in the movies, you always watch and think "just do it!". thats because the movie can't cover the whole life of that character. thats why books are better. but I can't read anymore - ADD, OCD, shit like that... it seems like it could be black and white, and torn down, it is.... but I'm not a black and white person. I wear all the colours of the rainbow at some point in my life, and they all mesh together to make whole new colours. nothing is black and white. especially this colourful situation.

fuck the world

what I do on my birthday

> 1) Single or Taken?: Single, Ain't gonna change either. fuck you, men!
> 2) Your Age: 18 today! yay!
> 3) Birthday: Today!!!!!
> 4) zodiac sign: Sagittarius
> 5) Siblings: Uno brother, uno sis-in-law, uno bro-in-law
> 6) Hair colour: Brownnnn
> 7) Eye color: green... i guess.
> 8) Shoe size: depends on the store and day. last time, ten
>
> R e l a t i o n s h i p s
> 1) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: I thought this was covered? NO!
> 2) Are you sending this to your crush?: I send to no one. they send to me.
> 3) Did your crush send this to you?: No (thank god.... ope)

> T h e E x t r a S t u f f
> 1) Do you do drugs?: yes! Advil! for the daily headache!
> 2) What kind of shampoo do you use?: ........purple
> 3) What kind of conditioner do you use?: ........lavender
> 4) What are you most scared of?: heights
> 5) What are you listening to right now: Iron and Wine - Naked as we Came
> 6) What kind of car do you wish to have?: VW camper... or an El Camino
> 7) Where do you want to get married: Forest, in autumn.
> 8) How many messenger buddies do you have online right now: 12
> 9) Any tattoos or piercing: One on my back, another on the leg coming.
>
> FAVORITES
> 1) Color: Green, Blue, Black, yeah.
> 2) What's your fav food: potatoes. anyway.
> 3)What's your fav subjects in school?: No school for me. fuck that sheeeeit.
> 4) what's your fav. animal?: cat. meow!
> 5) What's your fav sport: I dont watch sports. too lazy
>
> H a v e Y o u E v e r
> 1) Given anyone a bath: maybe..
> 2) Bungee jumped?: No, never will.
> 3) Broken the law?: when I did drugs, yeah.
> 4) Made yourself throw-up: Nope. side note: I haven't puked in about six or so years.
> 5) Ever been skinny dipping: nope
> 6) Ever been in love: sure
> 7) Made yourself cry to get out of trouble: HA! no, I'm not a wuss
> 8) Gotten Drunk?: yeah...duh.
> 9) Gotten arrested or almost?: For a second, I thought it said "or almost shot", and I was going to say YES! because I have! by a Nail gun! HA! not really. no.
>
> R a n d o m Q u e s t i o n z
> 1) What colour is your tooth-brush?: green
> 2) How many windows are in your bedroom?: uno
> 3) Grilled Cheese or Hotdog?: cheeeeeeese
> 3) A million bucks, or someone you love?: jesus, someone I love... who has the millioin dollars.
> 4) Do you sing in the shower?: yes, but only as of recently
> 5) Gotten stuck up a tree?: no, my friend convinced me to take a leap of faith. it fuckin hurt.
> 6) If you could go anywhere for a week, with whomever you wanted, and
> where?: this question was not well developed. gotta love it.... oh yeah! uh, Road trip anywhere (probably west) with.... someone....
> 7) Are you allergic to anything? no, yay!
> 8) Do you enjoy annoying other people? once in a while it can make the time pass at work.
> 9) Have you ever listened to the Supertones? i think so.......?
>
>
> F i n a l Q u e s t i o n z
> 1) Do you like filling these out?: It makes the time pass. just like annoying people.
> 2) How many people are you sending this to?: none, they can find it on their own damn time!
> 4) Gold or Silver?: silver
> 5) Say 3 words about the person that sent this to you: very thin, very young, very non-existant
> 6) Who would you like to be locked in a room with: what is it with men and calling their girlfriends Baby? its fuckin annoying! I'm not a god-damned baby, i'm 18, bitch! fuck off with the baby!....... and im not telling who....

John Lennon

Love is real.
Real is love.
Love is feeling
Feeling Love.
Love is Wanting
to be loved.

Love is touch.
Touch is love.
Love is reaching.
Reaching Love.
Love is asking
to be loved.

Love is you.
You and me.
Love is knowing
we can be...

Love is free.
Free is love.
Love is living.
Living love.
Love is needing
To be loved...



I wasn't alive when he was. I was no where near, infact. I wasn't born until 17 years later. Despite that, Every birthday, at least in recent years, I remember that just a couple days before I celebrate my own birth, I celebrate the death of a man who knew too much for anyone to know. To me, he saw what few others did. He opened the eyes of many, he faught for peace.
25 years ago tonight, John lennon died. around this time, too. he died from gunshot wounds from a man who was deeply disturbed, who apologized to the cops afterwards; not for shooting lennon, but for causing the cops such trouble.

But now, tonight, december eight, 2005, I listen to some newly re-released music by this amazingly beautiful man, a man I never knew. but I can feel the emptiness left by his departure, that distinct void that many of us feel tonight. He was another man in the world, but for some strange course of events, he managed to become of the most famous music icons the world has ever known. Everyone knows his name, and what it means.
So, in that essence, he never died. No bullets ever entered his body. nothing has, nothing ever will. In my mind, John lennon never died, and is still walking around somewhere in the world. And that's how it is for everyone else. He is still alive, him and his concepts.
For I, for one, Can only dream of doing what he did. I can only hope to follow in his footsteps, to wake up the people of the world, to get their attention where it belongs. To save someone.

So, Here's to the guy with the guitar and long hair: He knows whats going on.

ah, shit

I could never get over the bullshit that made up you.
I still can't believe I never saw it, a mound of shit that tall.
I can't believe that I actually regret knowing someone. i never thought i would.
You are my biggest regret.
I wish our gross situation never happened.

One thing I never got over was how you suggested we try something, and support it by saying Sigmund thought everything should try it! I can't BELIEVE you backed yourself up with THAT. thats stupid!
I never wanted to sleep with a book, and thats all you tried to be. you just regurgitated things you read, philisophies from someone else. You never thought up anything on your own.
and you thought I was young and stupid! you, the fool obsessed with getting older and wanting to marry, like the rest of your buddies! The idiot too desperate for the ideal life that you didn't give a shit who you married. How dare you say I'm foolish. You're just another idiot in the world who can't think for himself. and I'm sorry if you can't take it, all the things I say, rude, smarted, whatever. At least I think for myself, and dont use the words of some long dead scientist to support a New position. at least I'm honest. honesty is real. you're not.

I can't believe I did that with you. I can't believe myself! I wish I could cut that part of my life out, but I can't. I wish I could just erase your image forever. but I CANT.

so fuck you and your dillusions.

You're a horrible singer.


The reason I made myself think of you
Isn't because I miss you.
I couldn't care less if you died.
It's about time I assess this fuck up.
It's about time I weed this garden.
But a few minutes ago I realized
that you were a coward.
If you loved me, why'd you leave?
If you loved me, Why didn't you fight?
If you loved me, how was it so hard
to face the facts
and stand up for yourself?
If I am so great,
Why did you leave me behind?
You've got an ego so bright
I can't see myself anymore.
Think you're so sweet,
you can win me back with a simple wave,
a little bit of sorrow.
I'm not your baby,
if you couldn't tell by my apathy.
how dare you make me so careless for people.
How dare you make me regret my decisions.
How dare you put yourself on a pedestal
and beg for me to kneel.
kiss your own fucking feet.
it's time you learned to bend over.

You are purple. What a romantic person you are.
You're sentimental and forward-looking (those
are opposites.). You're a sophisticated and
refined--with a refind taste for chocolates and
wine (yum...). Tempermental and moody, you let
people know when you're angry. But other
times, you just sit and sulk. Alone. When
around people, you're a generous person, with
insatiable needs. You're a starving artist,
basically. You're enjoy getting into debates
over politics and religion with people of the
same intelligence of you. But you know they
can never convince you otherwise, you stubborn
person, you. As a unique person you are (not
to mention just a tad bit eccentric...), you're
well-liked by either a few people, or too many
people...


What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

oh, clarity; how you deceive me.

In one week I will be eighteen. one "year" closer to what ever is it I am reluctantly approaching.

As you can tell by my previous posts, I can be very random with my... feelings. or, at least the moments I decide to express them, which is rarely around people. Although, I am getting closer and closer to becoming overly free with my opinions at work, where lots of people come in. not a good place to blow-up. I haven't yet, thank goodness...

I'm not always like that, though. I feel I should clarify, should someone think I'm seriously fucked up. don't get me wrong, I am pretty fucked up. but people are fucked up in general, we all are in some way. we all have some sort of Social problem, or brain problem, or some sort of Problem. Some people just have a wider variation of problems meshed together to make it look like one GIANT problem. or some people only have a few problems, one after the other. they'll have one that leads to another that leads to another, and before they even realize they had a problem to begin with, they realize... well, the solution to this problem is the same solution to THAT problem...
get it?

Ok, lets get this straight:
Once in a while, even after a content day, I will, INCREDIBLY at random, decide to dwell on some things. sometimes It's brought on by a commercial with lots of beautiful women in it, sometimes it's just a switch in my brain going off in my subconscious. it really is random, at its peak.
So, I am not like my previous post all the time. it's an underlying thing, something that I forget about throughout the day, and sometimes never have to encounter at all through the hours. most of it I end up sleeping away. some of the time I'm distracted.
The fact is, I can be a very happy person in the right situation. I am not always pouting. really, I'm just lonely most of the time, and have nothing else to do but fantasize and think about how all these fantasies are folly, or distant, unrealistic... or even possible, but I'm just lazy.

anyway, should someone be worried, or just struck, or even insulted, relax: It's just me being me. I am temperamental. we all are to some degree. in the last few years, I've gotten to be a little moreso than usual.
never fear, I take care of myself. I beat myself up while I'm at it, but only for not taking care of myself better. I strive to achieve what is too far from sight. I am driven by something inside to always be better, because what I do now is not good enough.
some call that bad self esteem, I do too. but sometimes I think of it as a good thing. as a Human condition, I guess.

now, in other news....

I found Angus' new house tonight with Mike. Mike also baught me a new phone for my birthday. it's a white board with a speaker phone built in to it. its awesome! although the microphone isn't all that wonderful, but i'm sure I can mess with that a bit, heh.
Work was busy. Steady. not long after four we got a HUGE line-up, and Jeff was in the back, so I was dealing with this sudden spurt in customers on my own, who wanted bag tags, movies, lotto, gas, chips... ugh. it was stressful. i have never appreciated getting off work so much.

and other than THAT?.... thats it. yup.

18 on the 10th. I work. Can't drink or anything because I'm performing the next day. ugh. I'm a little freaked out about that (this can relate to what I said about). I'm not too sure I'll get everything down before them. Oh Holy Night should be okay, at least. I'll be Home for Christmas... another story. oi. I don't think I'm much of a performer anymore. I love to sing... but I hate performing. I'm a recording artist, not a performing artist.... err.... no, thats not right, but I can't think of what is.
I am in such a void right now, when it comes to my prospects and... stuff... I haven't the faintest clue about anything anymore. It's so depressing. but I get through the days by sleeping them away.

ahhh, sleep, another beautiful idea...