Summer days

I'm waiting for food

I'm d/l a bunch of johnny depp movies (hurrah!)

I just met my new neighbour, she seems hip.

I'm bored

weird

It's thinking of sitting on my front porch this up coming fall, thinking about now, thats weird. the thought of sitting here, in front of my computer in a small room where i am away from the horrid step-father, in the future, when I am in grade twelve and alone...it's weird. what a weird thought, being an adult, being in control of my life, or at least having that illusion.

next year, grade twelve. my last year, and I'm going to be the only one left in the music room my age/older than grade 11. no one to look up down, only down. not even someone from my grade in there...there never was. thats weird. ill be the oldest one there, who actually stays there...assuming i do. but, if i didn't, where would I go, right? where else am I allowed to leave my crap? no where, thats right.
next year.
right now, it looks like a very lonely road, and its going to stretch beyond grad next year. you know what? I think I know who I am now. at last, that stupid-ass phase, that dumb role-confusion shit is DONE. i know it is. i actually feel the bottom of the ocean under my feet now. and I think the fog is clearing too. GRAND!

well, im not happy. i'm not feeling nostealgic either, i'm just feeling a little scared. not a lot, just and little bit of uncertainty about things to come. I'm not sure what my life will be like, and i'm terrified of having a bad job for most of it. I don't want to lose a grip of my dreams, of what i want to be able to do. I want to travel, but i will never have enough money for it, not as an artist, right?

well, we've all been through this, haven't we? that bit of fear at the ominous, inevitable future, the vast and mysterious doom that comes to us all. ha. i laugh at it, yes, because i know what will happen. not in terms of "I'll work as this for so many years, meet someone in my late twenties and marry them at thirty" nothing like that. I can just feel that bit of rejection, disappointment, and shock that is bound to come to me. come on, guys, i wont be famous till i'm dead, and thats because im an artist...and artists are never famous unless they're on the simpsons, and that show is actually going down the drain now, isn't it?

well, theres my future for you. but, in the meantime, lets not get too ahead of ourselves. i'm going to be sitting on my front porch next fall, grade twelve, thinking back to my early days of highschool. is this familiar? who hasn't done that before?

summer vacation. harumph. what a dumb thing! i'm not doing much this summer, just sitting here, contemplating my doom, trying to be a philosopher, a writer, something other than myself. i'm going to deal with things this summer, get them out of the way, for once. and that will feel good..i hope. i've already been fooled about ideas and truth.
my walk with emma was not what i hoped it would be. I didn't feel relief, i didn't feel a big weight being lifted from my shoulders and nirvana from being away from home. i was in stirling still. it was a long walk, fun, but not relieving. if anything, it simply reminded me of things, of what i would leave behind in a fast approaching year's end.
so, there i learned that ideas can be oh so beautiful, but the real thing can be as bland as normal life. that sucks. that makes schizophrenia look so appealing right now. hey, at least im a potential for it. i would rather be crazy than live in this world for so long with such a truth: that the real world will never be as fulfilling as my dreams.
of course, thats my own opinion.
but i hope that by dealing with things, and sorting them out, i'm not making another mess for myself, and i really do feel better about everything. i hope. i can hope all i want, hm?

so, can i be a writer someday?
doubt it
i'm just a delusional artist with a wild imagination and no hope or talent to carry myself by. that SUCKS.

anyway, have a good summer, if i haven't said so already. i'm sure ill update tomorrow again...i have that horrible habit of repeating myself via-blogging, and i dont feel the shame of posting it again and again. sorry, but...well, haves a discretion:

I WILL REPEAT MYSELF AGAIN!

I wonder who reads this.../confession

Song: Band on the Run
Feeling: Beside myself

well, just to set things in motion, there you go...

my life story

I lived in a sheltered, safe town my entire life, so, going to foriegn places like...anywhere...is strange. amazing, really, to see such things as what I have recently seen. A friend of mine has been beaten infront of me while High, and thats enough as it is. But, stirling really is a sheltered place. All young families searching for a safe town to live in, believe it or not, Stirling is a good place. LOW crime, but what crime there is based towards stores like mine that sell cigarettes or Alcohol. teenagers, go figure.

so, my life? well, of course i had a life when i was a child, before the age of 14 i mean. I have a father, mother, brother, and a much larger family beyond that. some of which I love. i lived in this sheltered town, and looking back, it seems so much like a movie i watched in the past. i didn't really live there, did I? around these people i know now, years later, talking to me like an adult. I didn't sleep in a crib, did I? It seems so hard, trying to place myself in such a small, innocent, stupid body.
I was born with a speech impediment, and only a couple years ago did I finally overcome it by hiding it, by changing my pronunciation. How do you say the letter S?
but my life, my life as a young adult who was aware of people around her, began in grade nine, when i went from a normal, overweight, lisped kid to a young teenager with problems.
oh, how things changed.
grade nine, i met people. i thought i fell in love with someone, maybe i did, nothing is clear anymore. I finally was introduced to the world of music, and it was a warm welcome, wasn't it?
call it an echo.
someone stood by a large canyon, spoke a word, and it echoed all the way to the other side. down the deepest holes. an echo. look at how things have changed with me. things feel real around me, not some movie i watched last night. I know i lived these things, i know what happened in my life.
i've been reminded of the beatles.

i met people, i made new friends, and i have thrown some away carelessly, er, shall i say put them to one side.
i've learned many lessons in my highschool career. manymany lessons...

so, what is to come in my life? who knows. i will be a starving artist, at some point, living on the street for some period of time, im sure. i will try to follow my dreams. maybe I will meet a guy, some guy who blows my mind away, more than the first one. and maybe a family will be produced? maybe ill settle down, in my thirties, and be like every other woman in canada with a family, working for money.
i hope not.
Maybe I won't find my dreams. Maybe I'll fail.
but what else will my life bring me? death? loss? of course, thats inevitable, isn't it? one day, i will be watching my mothers coffin go under ground, and my fathers coffin. or maybe i wont. maybe they will bury me. no one knows, right? i might see my brother go in the ground/cremated, whichever he wants, or he might see that with me. I will grow old, or die young, and so will those around me. we will grow old, or die young, or middle aged. we will be happy, sad, angry... endless things will happen. its so wierd. next year, i will be moving out of home, at last, on my own. i will be an adult, or as much of one that a 17 year old can be in 2005. ill be seventeen....wow. this year, i turn seventeen, in december, because i was born late. then 18. then 19. then 20. 20!

well, i suppose you can say that the idea of growing up, of being an adult, is strange to me. it is to everyone at first, right? being a teenager has a sort of comfort to it. sure, theres the 'problems' that come with it too, like that whole role confusion thing i'm drawing an end to. theres the 'first love' experience, something i've delt with, in a sense, more than once. theres all these new things, but even so, being a teenager does have its comforts. school, for instance, friends from school, parties...people. its just people around you.
people, man. people change you, of course.

my mother wanted to go to Ottawa, or some place other than the sheltered stirling, but she didn't want to take me and my brother from our dad. i was, after all, 2 when they divorced. it would have killed my dad and brother to be torn apart like that. so, we stayed.

thank god.

i know, if i had moved, that i wouldn't know what alternative life i could have been living. but if i had moved to Ottawa, i would have been such a different person. I wouldn't have met Angus, Bram, Josh, Aric, Emma, Kirsten, Jenn, Chris, James, Gram...none of them. I would have missed out on something amazing. I would have met different people, maybe just as amazing, but not these people. they would be other people. I would more than likely have been a very different person, someone perhaps more fit, feminine, desired, dumber, blinder, someone with different tastes in music. I would have been a different person.

As much as I complain about my life, i'm glad i took this road. I wouldn't change it for anything. even if the other road was safer, less bumpy, it wouldn't be nearly as interesting as this one. I would not have, this early at least, been introduced to Rush, Led Zeppelin, Radiohead, Yes, and Tellstory. I would have missed that, too!

I complain about a sore heart, but i would rather have it than a numb heart.

I complain about family, but call it spice to my life.

I'm more afraid of what could have been, not what has been, and I'm thankful for that. So many people have mistook me for someone in grade twelve, someone older than myself. I guess its because of who I have hung out with all this time, but look at it. it seems so amazing to me, that i have given that image. maybe i've learned more than others my age. so much has come to me, so much has happened in my life.

thats what makes it mine.

my own, real-live life.

Time away spent

Well, I spent the night at Jennifer Davis's (I hate names that end with an S), and it was cool. got to sleep at midnight or so, woke up plenty, up at seven? six? i think six. anyway, was doing all that jazz with the chickens, goats, lalala. it was fun. yesyes. funfun.
sososososoooooooo
im tired
but hey, at least i got a NORMAL amount of sleep, instead of twelve hours, i got seven. much better, i would think. and hey! I'll be doing this ALL OF NEXT YEAR. lovely. man, i should move out. live with Mrs.Davis, or something. HA. steal joshes room. better yet, switch. ....umm, nah. ill just kick him out. on the road. gravel. chicken.
:D
hmmmm
so, i am tired. blaaaaaaaabored. i finally saw finding nemo, too. HAHAHA. funny movie. yesyes, indeed. i liked it. heheheh, awww, i loved that sea turtle. hes awesome. loved him.
sigh
garaahhhhhhhh
ummm
what else?
right
i work tonight
that sucks
oh yeah, it does
too bad, eh?
yup
yup
oh well
mhmmm
sigh
so then
what?
dunno
umm
yeah
?
HA


enough of that. anyway, i really have nothing better to do right now, so there....GRAH!

harumph

I'm not eating. not because i'm messed up, there just isn't anything appealing right now. no good pizza, no spagetti sauce (so no noodles. why bother without the sauce?) and no one to go out to jim's with, or anything. it blows. i haven't left the house all day, save to rent two movies for free. 21 Grams, and Runaway Jury. both were cool. yup...but im still not eating. once again, nothing to eat, nothing appealing. therefore, i am going to sit here and type, because i need to waste time.
but, since we're on the topic of eating, maybe I SHOULD stop eating altogether. it is pretty disgusting, isn't it? well, not really...but why should I eat tonight? oivay, im so bored im just typing a load of crap right now. ignore emily, she is bored out of her wits. and is feeling shitty.
so, i'm considering actually talking to me mum about stuff with me. you know, whip out the ol' confessional thing and mention how i constantly have headaches and feel like shit and then on top of the world, back and forth, such and such...or maybe i shouldn't. i mean, how many teenagers are like that anyway? if every teenager were to comment on their mental status, they would all be crazy. so really, if that is the norm, then theres nothing wrong with me at all...right?
or is that not true. i guess the line is drawn when such matters get in the way of ordinary everyday things, such as work and relationships. well, as seen in the past, those have been affected. so...once again, im at the start. what should i do? its not a big concern with me right now, once again, im just typing and thinking online, but it is something i think about once in a while, if i should tell my mom...well, what good would it do? ok, lets weigh this. I dont want to see a counsellor (too much pride for that), and i dont want drugs...so, what good would come of it? nothing. thats right, no good. so, mom would know something was wrong with me. is that really a good thing? i mean, it is my head, not hers, so its not really a big thing for her to worry about. if anything, it would cause more problems....hmm, then again, it could be a very good excuse for gord to fuck off with bothering me about stuff...hey, thats appealing!

i want food now.

my foot is asleep and my hands are itchy. gark. i want good food! I want to go out with people! garrrrrr

blisters suck!

ggaaaaahhhhhh
so, the weekend was good. sure. good. but that doesnt matter right now (other than i had the perfect steak, but anyway). yesterday, I went for a walk with emma to the outskirts of town and beyond. actually, just past Mrs. Davis's a few times and what not. and i paid. the last hour of walking was spent in agony over my poor feet. stupid feet. i had two GIANT blisters there now, and it SUCKS. but it was nice to get out for a walk, i guess. still no tan, however. thats nuts. in the sun all day, no tan. frig.

im working tonight, instead of last night, and yeah. thats fun...not. but, its tuesday, it should be quiet, so good for me...but then again, all those little people are done school now too, aren't they? oh, great, little kids getting candy and crap with prices i dont remember. gaaark.

tired

i still could have been sleeping, but no. im not. had to wake up, cant sleep more than twelve hours, right? grar. having such a nice dream. it seems like i have this same dream at the same time every year, where everyone is in the bus loading area, and theres a blizzard, which doesn't fit because its summer now. but yeah, every year i have a variation of that dream. its kind of creepy...but cool. oivay. sigh. what a sad summer this will be. i've had angus over once...and emma. thats likely going to be the extent of my summer entertainment, really...

yawn

IM IN THE NEWS PAPER AGAIN!

hah, not much of me though. i have in my lap (not hands, since im typing with those) the community press, with the picture of my bus. HURRAH! im keeping this. you can hardly see my hair, but im keeping it anyway. BUH!
i love it.
sigh
and to think, thats gone. oh well, right?
you know, i'm not so shitty at the moment. i should be, but im not.
today i went to the beach, via Kim Wilson express. it was cool, i liked it. it was a good day to go beaching, very good, so..yeah
and i just got back from seeing route 66 AT LAST. i loved it. it ROCKED. i talked to Angus a few times, buggin, as usual. thats what i do, bug people, right?
i love knowing just about every song they sang too. hot summer, man, LOVED IT! it rocked. hehehehe, giggle giggle

anyway...
yearbook
small tan
small burn
more memories to the list
plans underway (sort of) for the party ont he 31st (july). ways off, but everyone is getting ready for it! EXCITEMENT! three day thing. i wish i could get the entire weekend off, that would rock...hmmm, maybe i could... nah. that would be cruel...
ROBOCOP! lol. my dad used to play that movie all the time when I went to see him. it rocks. i know it WAY too well...i think ill watch it, or something

So I've been told

People tell me the same thing about it, the same thing, and I really do value their advice, and I see the truth in it. But it's so much easier said than done. I'm not a strong person in that area at all, it's a completely different planet to me, and I dont have the knowledge to build a ship to get there with. I can't make a catalyst for it all, I just can't.
so, of course, right now all I feel like is shit. Summer time. What do I want to do? get away from it. be distracted. I want to forget all those horrible moments of the last year. I want to forget my stupid, neurotic dreams and just get away from everything. I need to just go, drive, ride, run, walk, bike away from this home, place, and live somewhere else, turn into a different person, someone new. I can feel it coming, I can feel this thing pushing on me, forcing itself on me, making me turn around on everything I've believed and really question what I'm doing, if its right for me, if I was truly blind to it all.
but i can't do that here. I have to go away from all these different influences, away from these currents, pulling at me, mixing everything up more, adding their own opinions to it and distorting my own thoughts to the point of insanity. I can't understand things here, I can't figure out myself when I'm sitting in this house, this house i've lived in for 8 friggen years, in this stupid town where I've spent my entire life. i need to get away, on my own, to see things clearly, fuck the tinted glass.
and on top of it, i even want to get away from my friends. god, believe me, I love them more than anything, and i think for the first time I can live past this year...except for him. but, even with my love for these amazing people, i want to escape the memory of them. i want to go to a place where I won't run into them, where i can't feel that sharp bite of nostealgia, the pain of knowing i can't have these times back. I want to get away from those chances, so I know. so i KNOW for certain that it will not happen, and I really can move on. But if i'm here, with that doubt, i can't go. I can't get away from it, and I never will.
i need to get out. I need to be away from this place, either alone without these strings, or with someone, someone who won't leave. and that won't happen.
neither will. because I'm just a sixteen year old kid without her G2, so she can't drive away. I have a job, i need the money, and I have no idea of where I can go. no conception of how i could get away, how I can escape this horrible feeling, this evil thing.
it seems i wake up with it every morning now, this evil thing, a mote of my life. i can't get rid of it, it's always there, following me in my shadows.
He's not worth my time, I've been told. I know he's not. But what can I do? I can't move on, its just too amazing, too real to be real, to unexplainable to be put into simple terms. what can i do, really? How can I escape something i don't recognize, something that will only turn up again. because it's bound to, isn't it? if it has no identified body, how can I know what I'm escaping from? what if i run away from the wrong thing? the wrong person? how do I know?
how do I know anything?

a girl

once upon a time, there was a teenage girl. she had gotten a guitar for christmas, but she needed a case. So, she walked down to the local music store (a very small one) and asked around. but, while she was looking at the different cases and considering, the man there handed her an old, blue guitar case, and said "Someone just left this here. You can have it for free".
she thanked him several times, and then left. When she got home, she decorated the guitar, later spray-painting it gold and putting ruins on it. but, one day a while later, she noticed something sticking out of the bottom of it. When she took the thing out, she found it was a cheap coin, made of painted aluminum. it was a toy silver dollar. now, in most other cases, she would just have thrown this out after looking at it, but she decided, just for the hell of it, to keep it and turn it into a necklace.
then strange things happened.
she only wore the thing a handful of times, just to go with what she wore, and every time she did, something out of the norm would happen. It wasn't a good luck charm, but it wasn't bad either, it was just a charm, and it was as if it brought about irregular events. Sometimes, she would wear it going into a test, not even thinking about it, and she would pass the test with flying colours. then she would remember the thing in her pocket. Then, while working at her store, she would be in a horrible mood, and then several of her friends would show up, including someone who was very dear to her.
It really was the strangest thing, to have found such a thing in her first guitar case, her second year of highschool. and strange things continue to happen to this day with her whenever she wears the necklace.



well, that was dumb, but what can I say?
-yawn-
last exam tomorrow, the big dangerous one that im terrified of. if i can get 60 percent on it and the culminating activity, i can pass. god, im scared shitless of it.
anyway, after that? only plans for the summer are
1) Josh coming over (maybe) wednesday for a minute or two
2) Angus coming over a some point, if he remembers
3) going to see route 66 and buggin angus
4) me going to Angus's party, if i can find a ride
5) my going to Alberta if my mom decides to
6) me dying at some point of boredom

yup, thats it. dadaa

anyway, im tired, need sleep now

The End

Well, here it is: The end of the year.
next week the exams begin, and we are all getting ready, or just finishing. either way, the end has come at last, and here we are, getting through it. we've jumped through the years just like that, quicker than a snap. Just as things were getting settled in, things are being stirred up again, this time for the last time.
So, to my friends who are leaving this year to follow their goals, dreams, everything they want in life, I love you all from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea what an impact you have left on me. I came into highschool as a complete loner, a total loser (still am, but I'm happier, at least), and I met you. I met all of you, maybe not in grade nine, maybe not even until grade eleven (my grade eleven, that is, you're twelve), and you all effected me. You are the best people i have ever known in my entire life, and believe me, you will not be forgotten. There really are no words to describe what you've helped me feel. I've felt like part of a group, even if it was just a small part, you welcomed me into your group, into that PUNY little room, and it's the best thing to have happened to me.
So, to you: I love you dearly. You are in my heart forever. You have amazed me, you have inspired me, you have taught me, and you will never be gone from my thoughts and memories. I will look back on highschool, and not remember the school, the classes (except Musical Theatre), but I will remember you. you made the school what it was for me, a place I went to relax from life, where i was among friends, where I wasn't shunned.
and really, all else I can say, is thank you for being my friends. I wish you all the best of luck in life. I might see you at parties in the future (Angus's, July 31st!), maybe other events, but even so, I hope you are happy in your life, that you meet more amazing people and great friends. be happy, love, strive for what you really want out of life. If you hit hard times, don't forget who your friends are, and call on them for help if you ever need it. work your way through the hard times, and hold onto the good ones.

I'll miss you!

Ahhhh....

Tomorrow (which is in a matter of minutes) is the last real day of highschool....for my friends. for me, its just for grade 11. man, this time next year I will be freaking out about going to UNI...heh. that thought doesn't bother me.

next year, well, i think I can live. I can get my license in September, assuming i don't suck it up, then I will just drive in the morning. fuck you, bus, ill get around it somehow..

so, i finished my 'basic' english thing, last english assignment. ill be glad when I hand it in TOMORROW. oivay. i need to actually do WORK for once...

sigh

tired, cant sleep, can only dream, and thats not sleeping....wait....

bah.

nomore, that was dumb

Sad

SHIT, where did time go?

work to do:

English essay on Fiction and Non-fiction. almost complete
English essays for Macbeth. not started yet.
Thematic Analysis for Drama. not started yet.
culminating activity essay for APS not started yet.
portfolio activies:
essay x2
poster x2
write-outs
none started yet
Presentation for Musical theatre (the music part). tomorrow.

god, i'm dying. i'm crashing and burning here, burning UP, and this weather isn't helping much.
arg!!!!!

i dont want to work when it looks like this outside! it's too nice out. RAIN, DAMNIT. Make we want to work! GAAARRRH!

S U C C E E S, thats the way you spell...

i finally finished this stupid typewriter!!! hurrah! go me! finally, this thing is starting to pull itself together...i wish i didn't have a job...

huzzah.

what i really did...

so much for work. as if i would do work! seriously, were you thinking of me when you thought I would do work, or someone else? possibly yourself?

nono

instead, i went to see Halesha, the currently EX-girlfriend of my brother. well...that was fun, to say the least. shes such a fun person, really. absolutly nuts.

then, i got home, and i made myself feel better.

bup.

a lesson to all, including myself...and i know its a crappy lesson, because sometimes we hate it the most.
the fact is, people change. and I, being an Engel, will change more than most. so get used to it!

well, come on...of course its hard. there are some things we want to stay the same forever. places, things, people. its not possible. think about it. 1000 years from now, its likely that this town i live in wont even exist anymore. how long has it been here, anyway? not that long. so why would it stay forever? everything has to end at some point, right? so, in order to end, it has to change. otherwise, it would be like two parallel lines, never meeting. to end, things must change.

so why can't I change once in a while?

sorry, if sometimes it hurts, i understand that. you don't think that I hate other people changing? of course i do. people are changing so that they can leave and make lives of their own. yeah, it hurts... but it has to be accepted too, right?

so lets straighten this out. that, or make those two lines at least meet, even if they keep going in different directions after. lets vertex!

thus, I returned

all day my stomach has been rumbling, and not normal hungry rumbling, but some rather disturbing rumbles. earthquakes. im sure jeff heard them.

i had this sudden image of my stomach rumbling, and then expanding, and then bursting, sending crap all over the place while i sat in my chair and died.

god people are stupid. i love it when women, older ones in particular, come in, and very plainly state;
"I would like one line of the six four nine, with one encore on it, please..."
well, ok, reading that you would think "what the fuck is wrong with YOU, emily?"
answer

its how they say it. like im a fucking idiot. i dont know. maybe i should stop assuming everyone else is smarter than me...can you believe it? there are customers who come in and prove that i really am smarter than some people.
hard to believe, i know, but its true.

oivay

i love that expression. its too perfect.

OW, stomach. wearing new jeans today, oh yeah, i rock. i love them...

god, my stomach!!! OWWY

i need to do work, frig.

cat

so, theres a cat on my lap. i almost wrote car.
aric had his party last night. wanted to go, but didn't...damn. stupid sickness....
i had to switch shifts with tara, so im working in about...well, less than an hour. i really dont want to. i dont know what this stomach is going to do in the next few minutes, or hours...so im afraid to go and stand for 6 hours behind a cash register...oivay. so effing tired too. i want my bed back. i was happy there...

burp

i had my first actual meal in days, being breaky. and my stomach is rumbling at it. not a good sign, i dont think. gaaaaarK

wellwell....nothing more to say, i suppose. im just bored out of mymy mind, so there....jklfdasjkfl;dsajkl;fdsajkf;dsa

hehe, scared the stupid cat. buahaha...

ENOUGH

100th post

sorry, i had to put this somewhere...

"Don't worry; it's worse than it looks"

i love angels in america

SICK! -warning, explicit info!!!-

I stayed home today (watched several movies. Heaven is pretty cool)

so, when mom gets home, she tells me i need to get out

well, heres the funny part. I've been bored out of my mind ALL day. so, normally, if i COULD move around without horrible abnominal pain, don't you think I would have gone for a bike ride, let alone to school?

yeah, i'm sick, duh...

me tired, too..

i just want to sit. yesterday i had a medium fries from school for lunch, and then some popcorn at 9 something at night. you know those little pita things? well, i had a few of them today...thats it. i cant eat anything else. it goes right through me. im not even a good filter anymore, so i can't say its like living in a pond or anything...

im just a pump for food to go through, so it can get deformed and crapped out..

oh yum. sorry for that. well, ther WAS a warning.

anyway, thats all. stupid school, sickness...now i can't go to aric's

I hate being sick

no more workshop. the class sat in the drama room this morning for 2 hours (or however long it was) talking to this guy about his problems...lol

well, i wasn't really in there (I was sitting out in the little hallway, sick and blabla), but i could hear some people. i heard many people cry (calista came out once) and Edward and G had a bit of a fight...hmm

what a day

i woke up around 3 something. not sick, just really uncomfortable. i couldn't sit still, i felt so anxious, or something. the evil thing was following me around today too...damn you evil thing. must be my demons following me around...or karma, i suppose.

yeah yeah...

fuck, so tired. I found out that my essay for english is actually due monday-wednesday, not tomorrow. thank god. but i will have a thing due for G. what am I going to put in that, anyway?

gah. sick. headache. something..

sometimes walls crumble, if only for a moment

so today...wow

i've never been more exhausted. I slept through my alarm, so no shower in the morning.
no coffee either. i really could have used it

today, in musical theatre, to occupy our empty week, we're doing a mask workshop. well, today we started off differently, and it certainly wasn't a good way to start off, if i may say so. well, ok... there wasn't anything really WRONG with it, but it was hard.

we were, in groups of five, given the same scenario. we were rushing to see our beloved before they disappeared forever on their big ship, across the ocean.
god.
well, we were to run down the pier, find the ship, look up and through all those other passengers for our beloved. when we found them, we were to never let go of them, but to, in a gesture or whatever, tell them our true feelings for them. then, watch as they disappear from our lives forever, and then turn and walk down the 'pier' without any regrets.

oh my god.

the situation was fake, completely, but the emotions were completely real. people were crying, everything was so genuine, real, painfully so.
well, you know how there are some people you just can't imagine having real emotions? admit it, you do... well, today I saw Jamie gosse cry...SOB, in fact.

and, of course, who do you think i thought of?
i didn't go up, of course, I couldn't. i didn't want to do that in front of people.

but yes... that was the start of my day.
the entire day, before and after, i was exhausted. i could have dropped in my place and slept where i landed. i was so fucking tired. i have so much to do in three days. i hate it. im tired. all i want is for this year to end.

and yet, i don't.

two weeks, and these people are gone. then all i'm left with is wondering what my bus route next year will be, since i'm apparently on a different bus from everyone else.
FUCK!
that was the last thing i needed to find out. just my bus, ok? just leave my bus alone. i like my bus the way it is. i liked my life the way it was. why couldn't it just stay the same? why did reality have to burst my bubble?

so, not only am i down a vast amount of friends for next year, but now i'm going to be secluded from them just about completely. frig. see, i like my bus. i like talking to those people. and now that i'm not going to see them, that takes away all the hope of those days to come. fuck.

fuck you, 'god'. tough love my ass, you're not real. not to me, bastard. you're nothing but a character of a silly, rediculous dream. nothing more.
not to me

(no offense anyone who believes in god. stand in my shoes for five minutes, you'll understand, believe me)

sometimes i really DO want someone to take anger out on. sometimes, i really do. i can't help it.

the whole wall concept comes into mind today, since friendship seems to be the topic...

we all have these walls up around us, against whatever weather rolls in, so they already have some battering against them. but you know what? we're fucking HUGE buildings. all of us. and every person we come to know and love builds a wing from our own building to theirs, and then rooms start being built in that wing, hallways that go from one building to the other.
so, when we lose that person, naturally that leaves a giant gaping hole in our walls. how long does it take to fill that hole?
sometimes its never done.

im losing my bricks.

i love metaphors.


well, if this was stupid, i already know. i dont give a shit what i type in here, and i'm starting to care less and less what people really think of it. i dont give a flying rats ass