I don't know why I feel "stressed".
There is really only one thing on my plate: this G-test on Wednesday. I'm not ready for it, or the hour I have to spend in the car with gord on Sunday to get ready for it. I'm just not ready to handly those things. I'm in one of those "Temporarily Out of Service" moods. I just can't handle a lot at once.
And no, my mother and step-father don't know this because I don't voice it. because a lot of it is just in my head.
So.... Turn it OFF?

I think I ripped a muscle in my shoulder or neck or something. I can hardly move it. It's making a headache linger around a too. It could easily turn into this massive Migraine. You know, you can just FEEL the tension building up into one giant KABOOM...
and Adrienne won't work for me. "unless it gets really bad".
No, nevermind. I'll work. I need the money, right? I mean, my working almost two weeks straight while you were in scotland doesn't mean anything. that was a school thing. it doesn't count.

I'm entitled to complain. so let me. man. lol. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to bitch.

well.. short notice anyway. she doesn't do that to me, she gives me a week or two to figure it out. so I really is fine tonight. I'll muster through, on drugs, lol. it's good. but...

I hurt.

at least my Rowing machine is put together. too bad everything is in the way, so getting it out is a bit of a bitch in itself.
but it's all good.

I need a massage. and a hug.

morning bell

Yeah, You love pointing out all the things I'm doing wrong, don't you?

I go through phases. we all do. and I'm starting to map them out as I get older.
and there is ONE phase I always hate being in, because it often leaves me with memories of stupid things I've just done around the people I don't want to be stupid around.
This phase is the "I sound like a selfish nim-rod" phase.
I go through every month or so. I guess.
Phases.... guh.

I hate them.

Personally, I think I'm getting a bit better at it. But even when I think I'm getting better at controlling myself, more and more people seem to realize that I'm a fucking Lunatic. I really am. But *I* Get it now. I can understand myself, and thats good.
but no one else seems to understand, and instead of accepting it, they assume something must be wrong with me.
*cough* Step mom *Cough*

a few of those have come around lately. actually... a lot of those come around now. More and More often, while I'm being myself and content in that, people come up to me and say "are you alright?", or "Whats wrong?" and try to be all sympathetic.
I'm perfectly fine people. Stop trying to "fix" me. Just because You don't get it, doesn't mean it's a fuck up.
man. I get it now.
Sometimes I don't, but even in those times I understand at least SOME bit of it.
whatever it is.

uuugh. Things are strange with me. I'm trying to stay busy, and yet I'm still sleeping ten to twelve hours a night. I've been getting out to the guys more. How can I avoid it? Once a week I'm out there. Holding my existance in factuality, I suppose. Too many fond memories are building up. I'm just waiting for the day, when I leave, we leave... It all leaves.
I am lost in this whole thing. This thing that doesn't exist, holding me hostage.

How deceptive you are:
A night without its day.
A day with no night.
The emptiest of rooms
the fullest album.
Pieces of you float across
the sky of my imagination.
My shooting star.
My sailing cloud.
I remember
a moment.
a breif-
expansive-
second.
a moment.
How torturous you are:
Leaving me,
after embracing me.
What am I left with?
I'm left with an empty night
with empty hopes
and falsities of dreams.
I'm left with images-
missing sound bites-
Movements-
a single movement.

what am I to do?
I'm beginning to see
life without you
maybe the only life
I see.
I see too many nights
myself in front of this screen.
thinking
"If I fill it with enough jibberish,
I'll find the right words"
maybe an answer.

Lucky

I don't know why I bother with two blogs. Well, one blog, one Journal. I guess this one is supposed to be my private one. my ever so private blog.

I've been spending too much money. I just baught cameras online. 300$ of cameras. six cameras total. they do awesome things, its VERY MUCH worth all the money... but I've spent a lot.
I'm starting to feel very bad about it. so I'm pushing this computer, the ONE THING I got this credit card for, further off.
but in the meantime...
I have tongue rings coming in, cameras, a rower... then maybe a fucking computer.
but goodness.... this hurts more than I thought it would. Spending like I used to.
It bothers me now because I need to save it. and I can save enough, I'm more than able to... it just feels weird.

ok... enough.

And everything went Boom.

My Foolish Heart

so last night was a good night. was a good night. I got drunk, to celebrate St.patty's day. Went to see the guys, to drink with them too..

and managed to screw up things.

I can and can't see how it's my fault. I understand where he is in it... but he put himself there. thh whole thing could have been avoided: He could have just hung around, like he always does. How am I supposed to talk to someone who Isn't There?

I don't know. I was drunk, yes, but not that fucking drunk. i dont GET that drunk on purpose. I don't.
So I got home last night, heard this, and ended up in a whole new mess. and now I'm listening to My Foolish Heart, and wondering about it all. It was such a good night. It would have been for him if he hadn't given up like that. don't take that wrong.

I don't know. I'm ever so slightly hung over. barely hung over. just thirsty.

damnit. It was such a good night. Why am I not allowed to enjoy this once in a while? Why can't I be a little selfish once in a while? Do I not get to be like that? am I not entitled to a little time to just Do what I want to DO? Am I not allowed to be me when I'm able to?

mer.

what am I supposed to say to all that?
"Well, I'm sorry that we're not on that similar wave-lengths afterall"?
or just plain Sorry?
How do you explain being sucked in.

maybe I just shouldn't go there anymore...

fuck. yeah. right. like I could do that.

oh such accusations. how I must deal... again.

another night of work.

Burning every bridge

Every time I see you, it's the same thing over and over. It's my own birth. death. and look, I'm re-encarnated in the same place over and over again.

what is it about this that won't let it die? what's keeping this going? those long, stoned stares at me on those rare occasions? what?

Well... whatever.

I'm slowly accepting the fact that I'm going to have to get a life sooner or later. I'm going to have to just.. let go. I don't have a choice in this. Sooner or later, I will have to let go of everything. Tonight, tomorrow, day after.. or the day I die.
I guess I would rather wait until I die before I let go of you. I guess. It's selfish... but I just can't stop it.

But I'm still going to keep moving. I'll keep tearing myself apart with tobacco and tattoos and piercings and alcohol and swear words. I'll be the worst person in the world, to prove I'm worth being nice to. I'll be the greatest jerk to ever walk to planet. Until I get back to you. then I'll just be a moron, like always.
I always say these smarter-than-normal things when You're not around. When you are, I feel stupid.
but the last few weeks.... have gotten better.
I just want to be friends with you while I still can. I want to be able to remember talking to you about things. your responses....

I want to know why I've been dreaming of you all this week, without any reason. Usually when I dream of you, it's because of something big happening.. but nothing happened. You weren't there. and then you came out of nowhere, into my head in my sleep. You invaded me, without a single reason or hint or logic. Why now? what supposed to happen?

I want to mean something, for as long as possible. within and beyond this life.. I want to mean something.
to you.
and to this place.
I want things to change. everywhere.

what will I write. what will I take pictures of. what will inspire me beyond you.

Is there life beyond these walls?

This morning, I woke up with a clear memory of my last dream.
it was the most linear dream I've had in a while. For the longest time, all I was doing was shopping in the same store, day after day, looking for the same thing, something great and cool.
possibly in reference to my life? heh, I don't know.
and that dream suddenly changed to me going to school, not sure what school. But I ended up in a class much like the one I had in the sixth grade (bad grade for me), only I was an adult.. I think.
and Samm Vanwort was with me. but I never actually saw her in the dream I just know she was there, because of a reference made by Angus, who was a helper or something like that.
Anyway, I ended up sitting where I sat in the sixth grade, in a group of four desks...
wait, no... It was math class in grade nine... or was it?
shit, everything is blurred together.
But I remember hearing about the way Samm did things, and typical she was... by ANGUS.. it was odd. He was a teacher. and he was reading strange things from a piece of paper (an assignment?), things like
Through three to three (heh)
Problems, my tonight is solved(heh)
it was... fucked up.

I remember looking up at angus, who was standing, and him catching my eye... and for once, I didn't feel a burn in my eyes.

it was a strange morning.

stupid fucking drivers test.

jesus..
where do you get off thinking you can leave me alone to go to mexico with your retard fuck, and then come back, and have the audacity to take away the only thing that keeps me from going apeshit on you two?
How do you not understand me? You're my MOTHER for christs sake, you should know why I don't go to the gym, why I haven't gotten my G license, and yet I still feel like I have to SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.

Jesus mom, what do you think, you're doing my some good? by forcing me to be stranded in this place that I'll wake up or something? I'LL KILL SOMEONE. You can't take away the only thing that keeps me sane! YOU CANT JUST DO THAT! TO SAVE MONEY, NONETHELESS! FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU.

god damnit. why this week? WHY the one week I have a friday, and ONLY a friday off? Why now? why not in a couple weeks? Why now, when I'm trying to save something? when I'm trying to get used to driving again?

YOU'RE WRONG!

FUCK!

Why did you have to ruin everything?

Why can't you just GET IT

this whole, Pierced Tongue thing, is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I keep waking up at 6 in the morning, my mouth in an incredible amount of pain. so I go and swish it with listerine, then salt water... then drink.. then try and get back to sleep.

I can't talk right. I'm back in the fifth grade again with a fucking Lisp. and while some people think it's "cute"... It's hell.

It's killing me.

I'm only going to wait this out to see if this lisp goes away, if I can get over..

and if I can't get over it in three weeks tops?... bye bye tongue ring.

I'm serious. that chapter of my life, having the awkward lisp problem defining me, ended years ago. I'm not going back to it, because it hurt me a lot.
and i mean a lot.

I know I should be over these things by now. But I never had Help with any of this. My parents wouldn't help. my friends were the ones pointing and laughing at me for having it. I had NO ONE around to help me out, to help lift the weight a bit. so I took it all on my own. and I can't say S properly today even. and now i'm back in school, listening to the girls immitate me, laugh about it, like it's nothing.
Well it's something to me.
Even when I finally broke down and told my teacher why I was so upset, and she told them to stop, they didn't. They didn't stop, and it just got worse. and then they looked at me, and talked about how I was a tattle-tale (which is even MORE stupid, I know. why dwell?). so I just stopped talking. everytime I opened my mouth, they stuck their chins out and immitated my Poor Excuse of an S sound, and LAUGHED. HYSTERICALLY. in my face. and no one could help me. no one would stand up for me. not a single person.
is it really any wonder why I don't talk to people now? I just stopped talking, to avoid all conflict, because I was clearly the cause.
I stopped talking, just like I did tonight at work.
I hate being in this spot again.

I know I should be over these things, move on, because they are stupid, and just something Kids do...
But I just can't move on from this when I keep landing back in it again