Your day today-
I'll help you tighten your tie.
I'm no mother,
but i'm losing the son.
I'll watch you stand,
dry eyes watching
destiny walk down the isle.
I'm no wife,
but I'm wearing your ring
on my best finger.
I'll smile when you cry
tears of disbelief.
you found the one
I'm no one
but I'll be two.
I'll let you dance away
your last dance
with the dream.
I'm no daughter,
but she's no mother.
I'll sit and wonder
if I had spoken
would I still be here?
or is this dream
the only road to go down?
one more hug
before the big night
comes to its big end,
its beginning of beginnings.
I'm no lover,
but I'll tell you
I love you
for leaving my life
to myself.
I'm not the one tonight,
but you're still the one
for all tomorrow's.
I love you...
but don't worry about it.


once in a while I try to write something. this really isn't much, just left overs from a realization I had at my dreams. beh... it had to come out eventually.

the reason I am 22 at 17

Today I had a day of feeling Older than I am. a lot older. Youngbloods came on in the van while Halesha and I went to get apples, and I just felt.... old. like I had stepped back in time. and I felt so... deep in something. deep in something i've never been in before, not this far, at least.

I'll just sit, and feel like I don't belong, like tomorrow morning I'm going to leave in the car for good, to drive down farm roads and back roads and dead highways with hybernating trees and cold weather, and nothing with me but a pack of smokes and music. just me in my car, driving, driving towards the rest of my life, where I'll find it- nirvana. where I'll find my purpose, where I'll change the lives of everyone, and everything...

i hate it. it makes me feel... alone. lonely. the people like me, the ones who are on the same plane of existence, are far away.

Got a revolution!
One generation got old,
One generation got soul!
This generation got no destination at all!

trust jefferson airplane and youngbloods and pink floyd to get this feeling around.

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea,
Joy to you and me!

Time - Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it’s sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you’re older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I’d something more to say
Home, home againI like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

I'm also a thief

Seven Things I Plan to do:
1. buy an I-pod
2. get winter clothes
3. start saving money
4. tell someone something... at some point.
5. smoke weeeed.... again.... maybe for my birthday, heh
6. Kingston?
7. get out more

Seven Things I Can do:
1. listen to music
2. sing
3. play solitaire
4. type faster than anyone else in town
5. watch tv
6. use a manual 35 mm
7. zone out

Seven Things I Can't do:
1. stay focussed for more than two minutes
2. stick to one thing
3. skate
4. ski
5. fly
6. be nice when I really have to
7. lie. I promised I wouldn't.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. whammy
2. bam
3. friggen
4. fuck
5. like
6. rgizit
7. oh vel

"I think I might survive!"

1. Go into your livejournal archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find your 5th sentence (or closest to it.)
4. Post the text of your sentence in this post along with these instructions.
5. Tag 10 people on your friend's list

im not tagging anyone. and this isn't live journal. oh vel.

btw, that post was in regards to Musical Theatre.

...But I'll never look like this...

YOINK

Favorite Beatles song: Julia
Favorite Rolling Stones song: Don't listen to them...
Favorite Doors song: The Alabama song
Favorite Bob Dylan song: Wigwam
Favorite Pixies song: Where Is My Mind?
Favorite TV Theme song: .....uhhg
Favorite Prince song: Purple Rain. whatever.
Favorite Madonna song: ---------(this means I don't listen to them)
Favorite Michael Jackson song: -----------
Favorite Metallica song: -------
Favorite Motorhead song: --?------
Favorite Ozzy song: ----------
Favorite Public Enemy song: -------------
Favorite song from a Cartoon: fuuuuck...
Favorite Faith No More song: ----what the hell-----
Favorite Depeche Mode song: ---I don't have limited taste, I just don't bother with these people---
Favorite Cure song: ------------
Favorite song that most of your friends haven't heard: What'll I do?
Favorite Smiths song:-----------
Favorite Beastie Boys song: --------------
Favorite Korn song: ------------
Favorite Police song: Roxanne works.
Favorite Sex Pistols song: -------
Favorite Beach Boys song: --------------
Favorite Def Leppard song: ----------------
Favorite song from a movie: Look at me, John Lennon. there's more....
Favorite Duran Duran song: -------------
Favorite Blondie song: -------------
Favorite Garth Brooks song: ----------GAH-------
Favorite song from an 80's one hit wonder: don't worry, be happy..., ok, not really....
Favorite song from a videogame: Mario Bros. its true. its the only one i know.
Favorite Kinks song: ------------?--------
Favorite Phil Collins song: -------------
Favorite Led Zeppelin song: the rain song
Favorite INXS song: ----------
Favorite Weird Al song: ----------
Favorite Pulp song: ---------
Favorite John Lennon song: real love
Favorite Pink Floyd song: the one that they say "Meet you on the dark side of moon". it may be "dark side of the moon"... but I dont really know. I dont listen all that much, sadly.
Favorite cover song: Radiohead, Wish you were Here.
Favorite White Stripes song: We Are Gonna Be Friends
Favorite dance song: anything funny with an awesome beat
Favorite U2 song: -----------
Favorite song from an actor turned musician: ----------
Favorite disco song: anything beegees man!
Favorite Motley Crue song: --------
Favorite Guns N' Roses song: I HATE GUNS N ROSES. THEY SUCK
Favorite The Who song: Teenage Wasteland. that intro is the best. hilarious, my friend.
Favorite Elton John song: the one with the rockets... IM NOT A FAN DAMNIT
Favorite song, period: *ahem*.... how can anyone even THINK of asking a question like that to ANYONE?

Okay people, if you had asked - Whats your fav Radiohead/Sigur Ros/Nico/Yes/norah Jones/Rush/Nick Drake/Elliot Smith/Frank Sinatra/Leslie Feist/Julie London/Joni Mitchell/Jeff Buckley/Iron and Wine/chicago/Al green/Air SONG... you would have had some answers. but what do you do? stick with basics. BASICS get you NO WHERE in music, people. FUCK. FUUUUUCK

fuckin....

I can only hope you look past my shell.
Maybe you'll see something beautiful,
Maybe you'll see what I feel on a rare day.
Maybe you'll see what I see in the mirror,
and manage to see something better
than what I see.

Maybe you can get over it,
society, and how you've been trained.
Maybe you won't be like everyone else
who ever surrounded me:
Maybe you'll love me more
the more of me there is.

Maybe when I tell you how I've felt
all these long years,
You'll smile
and say "Thanks,"
and really mean it.
Maybe when I finally have the courage
to close my eyes
and ignore the mirror,
You'll open my eyes again for me,
and remind me
that I'm beautiful
inside.

Lost and Found

I haven't written since you stole my song.
I've spent these nights staring, instead,
at a ceiling of stars.
I haven't painted since you made me blind.
I've spent my days staring, instead,
at a canvas of you.
pictures of you..

I've spent lives on them,
adding layers of fading paints
to turn your perfect face
into something else,
something that doesn't know lust.

I should have known,
I should have known-

I've been awake every night
through to the morning,
listening to the breathing
of the dead
and far away.
I've been talking at night
to the ghosts in my mind
about the way It was,
how it's going to be tomorrow.

But every word I say,
every verse I write,
comes from you
coming from me.

But I have my faith
in the absurdity of heartbreak.
I live in a world
you'll never walk through.

and when you die,
or disappear,
I'll wake up-
and realize there's nothing,
nothing, nothing more
to wake up to.
just a ghost
dead on the floor.



that was something I wrote almost a year ago. hmm... interesting

Look at me

Who am I supposed to be?

I have never been so indecisive in my entire life. I want to get out now, more than ever. but where? I want to go to school, but I don't want to do the work under that much stress. I want to do it on my own time, but I don't even have a time to call my own.

I want to move out. I would be happy to move out to a shitty apartment in stirling. but - I don't make QUITE enough money. and I would be cut off from a lot of things. like internet. and I'm too much of a computer addict to deal with that.

I want to tell him. But.. I don't? One day, I can see myself living the rest of my life the way I have thus far. miserable, but not out in the open to be shot at.
but then, I want things to change. I dont want to be miserable anymore. Both sides are pulling at me.

I dont know what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know what to do, what I'm supposed to do. I don't see my place. I used to think I could be a voice, to help with something, but I don't have a voice anymore!

I dont know what to do. do I really want to leave the safety and ease of my parents home, to jump into the world head first without a thought or care? do I really want to be that way?

fuck. theres a lot going through my head that i can't get out. I'm having these foolish dreams of something that will never happen. I look in the mirror everyday and see the ugliest person in the world. I hear myself talk and think I have the most annoying voice in the world.

Today, I just want to do something. but there's nothing to do. I don't want to paint. I don't want to paint anymore. I don't want to take pictures. I don't want to play guitar, or sing, or anything. I want to just... do something. walk around. something. I want this period of my life to end right now, so I can get on to the next part.

BAAAh.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have the most simple of lives, and yet I'm being pulled in so many directions at once, I'm about to fall into hundreds of shreds of... shit.

I should move out.

I would be stranded here, in Stirling, far from everyone and everything... but I would have a job. and place to myself. without the distraction of the computer, and tv... just me.

I suppose that would be a good thing. I could figure it all out, learn to live without help, without him, without a lot of things...

now, to find an apartment...

What’ll I do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What’ll I do?
What’ll I do?
When I am wond’ring who
Is kissing you
What’ll I do?
What’ll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When I’m alone
With only dreams of you
That won’t come true
What’ll I do?

What’ll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When I’m alone
With only dreams of you
That won’t come true
What’ll I do?

Not mine.

rain rain, wash me away, please?

I knew it. I knew that I knew it, too. You knew I knew it. We all knew it would happen.
but, still, that stupid little kid in my brain told me I had all the time in the world. But like I've said to others, and to my own, deaf self: The world doesn't wait for you.
and it hasn't.
my time's up.
I'm out of time.
and tonight, I almost did it. I almost made a pointless trip to a place to admit to something I probably don't even need to talk about to make it known. I'm sure it's already obvious. but I always wanted to say it myself.
and I almost did, tonight. Almost. but then, despite the recent information added to my little memory, I decided to wait for a better opportunity. when it came up. when something like it came up in a private conversation.
and then, when opportunity came, I would, for once, seize it.

but tonight I realized I really am out of time, and no matter what I do, nothing will come of it. nothing will help me, just realize it. just ascertain that this really is IT.

ugh.

great day.
good night.
but now, i feel horrid.

I drove home in the rain, in the dark, through falling leaves and blazing headlights and shimmering raindrops that made those headlights multiply into thousands... and I felt empty. I felt lost. all over again. I am utterly lost. again. what am I going to do when it happens? What'll I do when he's gone, far away? what will happen to me? will I deteriorate into nothingness? will i be distracted by the world? will the world ultimately reach its demise and explode? or melt?
what?

I came home, with this gut-wrenching pain in my body. not from all the food I ate, but just from slowly realizing all of this, and found Gord. in passing by, I "reminded" him about his tab at the store, for the eggs I had to bring home for him at 11 at night. and he bitched at me for not paying, he bitched and bitched and couldn't understand why I didn't pay for his eggs.

you know, I figured something out tonight. The reason I'm not painting, the reason I'm not inspired to do anything, is because there's nothing to inspire me. I mean, there's lot... but the motivation isn't there. it might have been once, but then Gord walked in the room with his negative vibes and shit, and everything I COULD have done went down the drain.

of course, it doesn't help that my muse is leaving me, like everyone else.

yes, I'm bitter.
I'm also very cold right now.

I hate this house. maybe I should just go out in the rain, and get pnemonia, and die in the hospital. I almost hoped for my car to lose control tonight, going up the oak hills. I hoped for it. for something to jerk me back into reality, into a sane body with clear thoughts.
But it didn't. no deer jumped out in front of my car, no idiot driver tried to pass in front of me. Nothing. Instead, I was left sinking in this hole of a life, this black hole thats sucked all of me inside of it.
and what I had left just got sucked in.

im so stuck right now, I've lost all will to get myself free. what's freedom, afterall, if you experience it alone?

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fuckin special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin here?
I don't belong here,
ohhhh, ohhhh
She's running out again...She's running out, she runs, runs, runs, runs... runs...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here


-Radiohead, Creep

I dreamt I tried, and was used.

too close. too real.
I felt everything

Thanks-giving

I'm thankful for having a night that I get to be alive for.
I'm thankful for being able to see these people, even if I don't interact with a lot of them very much.
I'm thankful I get to see them happy, even if I'm not.
I'm thankful they're willing to let me in, and laugh with me, even if they're actually laughing at me.
I'm thankful I can feel pain.
I'm thankful I'm alive to feel anything, even if it's pain.

I'm thankful he's happy, without me.
I'm thankful they get to drink
without me.
I'm thankful they let me in
briefly.
I'm thankful I was ever there
partially.
I'm thankful I was distracted
by the obvious.

I'm thankful I'm alive to see tomorrow.
I'm thankful that tomorrow may be a better day than today, or yesterday, or tomorrows tomorrows.
I'm thankful I can still speak
I'm thankful I can hold my tongue.
I'm thankful I can block out all harsh words.
I'm thankful I still hear them, nevertheless.
I'm thankful I can close my eyes from what scares me.
I'm thankful I see those things in my dreams.
I'm thankful I can dream.
I'm thankful for nightmares.

I'm thankful for a beating heart,
despite it being broken.
I'm thankful for an imagination,
despite the headaches I'm left with.
I'm thankful I was able to get out tonight,
even though I had to go home early.
I'm thankful he hugged me,
even if it meant nothing.
I'm thankful I hugged him,
even if meant everything-
lost.

I'm thankful I'm not yet lost.
I'm thankful I'm not yet found.



Thanks.

Fucking Hell!

I WAS going to post about how happy I am that I get to go to Missisauga this weekend...
but I'm not anymore, thanks to my Anti-Social family ties. I respect that they don't feel up to people being around... but its fucking Thanks Giving. I miss them. and I can only HOPE that on some level, they miss us too.
hello! I'm Anti-Social too! But at least I'm taking steps to get out of it! At least, when i'm asked, I'll make myself go to get-togethers, unless I'm dead sick. even if I feel out of it, I'll go. because I still miss people.

I wasn't awake at work until an hour before I got off. i fell like shit, thanks to my mother making me pick up sticks from the lawn, clean a bunch of shit, blabla, i pulled a few muscles because i'm out of shape and stupid. anyway, i felt like shit. headache. like shit. I get to work. I'm so out of it, I don't even notice the idiots who come in. i'm just not paying attention to people tonight.

then my dad calls, and says "I figured I should call early in the week and let you know, so you can change your plans, because we're not going to Missisauga anymore. your Grandmother called and said they weren't up to having company."

how many FUCKING times have I heard this? I miss them! and they always do this! I get my hopes up, and less than a week before I'm to finally get time off, just to see them, they say "No, we're too tired and anti-everything to deal with you this weekend".

it didn't help, of course, that I felt like shit, and I was at work, where I couldn't really deal with it, until now, of course.

I hate it when they do this. I love them to death, I want to see them as much as possible, and they just.. cancel everything, because of insecurities.
I hope I never get to be like that.

so, Now I'm headed to Calista's for the "family" dinner. I'm only really good friends with a small handful of the people there, but I still go, because I miss them all equally. mostly. heh.

fuck... I was so looking forward to getting a weekend off, for once. for not having to deal with fucking idiots. but then I'm given the same deal I've gotten over and over again.
I hate it. it hurts. a lot more than you would think.

You know, Emily, Some day, Some day soon, you're going to have no time left. The last chance will come and go, and it will be too late. Something and Someone else will come along, and finish the job you couldn't start. The fact is, the world isn't going to stand around and wait for you to get on your feet. it's not going to pity you, it won't bend to your own beliefs, it won't help you along with some series of miracles. it won't let you be happy on a whim and a wish. you have to do it. you have to stand up and get it over with, or get it started. one of the two.

either way, you're running out of time quicker than you think. if you don't try something, if you don't think about it, it's still going to be there. but it's going to end. and you will be left with nothing but a broken heart.

so get the fuck up. make a call. make a conversation. make a confession thats likely already a given. state intentions, your feelings. end it. hang up. its so simple, and you're making it so complicated. what have you got to lose? You don't even have anything yet.

its too easy to say that you have a communication problem. but you do, you don't talk. when you do, you're awkward, the wrong things come out. you are not a comfortable person. but if you're going to do anything, you can't just do it. you have to learn something first, that being to like who you are.
as of right now, you hate looking at yourself. you hate pictures of you, you hate hearing your own voice, you hate everything about yourself, except for the people you know. get over all that... and then, you can do the rest.

so fuckin do it.

so easy, yet so impossible. I am emotionally and communicatively handicapped. And no, I wasn't born that way. but It ended that way.

At least I had a good night.