In Limbo

to expand on last nights dreary rubble..

I've been caught between two things. One is this decision on a Theory decided last weekend, that even if we find The ONE, we move on in life without them. Not to "have fun", but to make ourselves more worthy of them.
I am for that.
and yet, I'm also caught between this No Day but Today theory, in that... what If I'm never satisfied with who I am? Does that ever really happen? there isn't really a destination that we call Perfection, or Happiness. We think there is.. but there isn't. It's all a dream, it's what keeps us going on the world. we're always saying "Well, things will get better" and look forward to moving on.
and fail to accept that we're in the moment NOW. Here, and NOW.
What if I die tomorrow? What if I never get the chance to be the person he wants? what if I can never give that to him, because I die? or something...

You never know...

so I've been caught between those two things. But... I suppose I'm going to compromise between the two.
I'm going to be more open about my feelings for him. Lets say, he askes how I feel about him, just in a roundabout way, or directly, maybe not even seriously... I will tell him the truth. I won't hold back.
But I will make no move, nor will I accept any. well.... ONE. ONE would be accepted, and then nothing more. but of course, that won't happen.

This will sound strange...

but I really am going to be celibate. for the rest of my life. until I think I can... do it. and that won't be for a long time. I can assure you.
and that is the official decision folks.
I will not date another boy.
or man, when the time comes.
I will not have sex with anyone.
I will live my life alone, to myself.

a scary thought to you, I know it is. But this is my devotion. This isn't a way of proving I love him, or a way to get his attention, or anything. but I really cannot handle a relationship, with anyone, thats intimate. Conversations, intimate conversation, I can handle fine. but being physical is impossible for me at this point in my life. and it will be for a long time, until I learn to deal with these feelings better. until I either let go of him... or die.

I'm not afraid of a life alone.
the only life I'm afraid of
is the one he doesn't exist in whatsoever.

I'll be watching something, a documentary for example, and all these ideas come to me. these ideas that drive me insane, that take over my thought, distract me from the movie until I realize I'm missing things, then I stop thinking. I Stop Thinking. to Pay Attention. must be what school has done to me. stops my individual thought so that I can pay attention to the world. I should stop doing that. I can always pause it, rewind it. those thoughts may never come back...

a problem arose the other day. In my regular fantasies, I recalled last weekends discussions (or most of them anyway, there was moments where I can recall is aric talking... but he's mute), and realized a flaw with my Fantasies.
If something happened now.... it would only be a step somewhere else. I would only help lead him elsewhere...
so I decided something. While I'm half and half on that whole thing... I'm not going to try. not now. I mean... god, we all know how I would love to LOVE... him...
but we both admitted to it. we were the two to say "No, I would let them go... so I could give them something better in the future"

but what if you weren't around when I was ready? what then. a life alone, of course.

that decision was already made. months ago. I am going to be alone the rest of my life, until I am the person I think you might actually deserve. you deserve better than me. we both think that way. But I think that way about you. not just "This Guy". that GUY has got a name, and it's yours.
so, here it is:
Someday... I'll get it done. I'll do whatever it is I'm supposed to do, I'll figure it out. and die.
and somewhere between figuring it out and dying, I'll come back and find you... and beg.

until then, let's get drunk.

now that she's asleep
a word or two.
It's time you understood
she's not the greatest:
While she stares herself
down in the mirror
every morning and
every night,
I hold her back,
stay the hand.
She'll put on a smile
go to work.
This sad appearance,
this wounded act,
Has got something to it.
It's me.
She'll say no
it isn't enough.
But i'll throw myself
upon what mercy there lies.
She'll be Brave,
Admit she can't take it.
but we're dying to get it.
but we're dying to hold it.
She'll say no.
It isn't beautiful.
But we know it is.
but we know it's there.
You can hug her all you want.
Give her a smile.
She isn't good enough.
She hates herself.
I could be something.
I think I know it.
She think's she's got to do
something.
Thats me.
I'm doing it.


waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh

Wow

Last night was the best night I've had.

I never say any of this coming.

I've spent so long worrying about never being able to open up, to show who I REALLY am, to ensure that he knows that the person he usually see isn't really me.
but he knew! He knew I take so long to warm up, he knew it already, before I told him.

I never thought I could warm up that fast, and suddenly lose all those restraints, to suddenly be myself around the one person I want to be myself around!
I just wish i could remember every second of it a little clearer. I wish I could hear all the things we said, the things we agreed on.
I actually felt it, a connection. it was the first one. he knew it too. I saw it. I could see in his eyes that he saw something for the first time last night, and it was in me.

I hurts so much right now, knowing that last night is over, that the Litre and a half of Wine I consumed is out of my system, that the pot isn't dancing with me anymore. That He's not here anymore. That I can't keep talking like I did last night.

why did it happen last night?
what did it?

what was he thinking before he passed out last night?

You wreck me
My lover,
this half empty bottle,
my only companion.
A toast-
to poison on all fronts.
the sweetness to my lips,
the cold bite on my tongue.
The burn in my gut,
The cloud in my mind.
Cheers-
to cloudy days.
to rain and pain.
to smirnoff
to turn us off.
to my friend,
hand on the knife.
You wreck me-
in my cloudy lungs,
in my drowning throat,
my dying cells.
cheers-
to my favourite cancer
in the stick.
A toast-
to the boy who wrecks me,
whose men could put humpty
together again.

Haunting me
as easy as saying
we're all free.
well if we are-
why are we so obsessed
with our own demise?
that we're surrounded by
lies, and spies?

dancing in my dreams
like a puppet on strings.
This is not real.
Here, I can't feel.
Talking to me
Like your best friend,
your forgettable friend.
your Other friend.

calling me that
as easy as saying
"You can do anything"
as long as you have the right
paperwork,
money-works.

what sort of world
has freedom
without the dollar?

what sort of love
has answers,
without the pain?



no idea what inspired that ramble.

Confess

I don't get it.
I mean, I COULD, but I don't really want to.

my choice in men (or the two since Joey) has been... far below parr. at least nowadays.

I look at what they're doing now, and it's just like "Woh, dude, you're a fucking moron man"
but thats just me.
I'm a moron too. to them, at least, i would think.

I must admit: I go into one of their emails once in a while. curiosity gets me. but, its only the guy who did it to me. the guy I was stupid enough to give my password. in all likliness, he did it to me for a while, until I changed my password. fucker. he didn't change his though. he was stupid enough to give me his.

see, the difference between our stupidity is this: Mine changed. I learned much much more about the computer and how to be safe. he didn't.
I know what he does.
if i wanted to, I could change his password on him. I could change his profile, anything. I could do ANYTHING man. and this makes me a bad bad person. heh. I can't help.

but therein lies the excuse, and the reason: I DONT do anything. I hold back. that seems to be the difference: I hold back. not all the way... but enough. I guess.

im horrible.

but he is to. not to me...
but he has... three girls going at once. He's all over the place. he's keeping one on the hook, throwing his "love" words around like they're confetti and he's got bags left to throw. its pretty retarded. who does that?
The human brain is amazing, and how it works. we refuse to do things that would help ourselves, because it would require a sacrafice we just can't handle, because we haven't allowed room for sacrafice.
We say things that mean nothing. and when we finally mean them, they mean nothing to anyone else. Cry Wolf, anyone?
we are strange people, we really are. and I'm no exception. Here I am, enthralled by reading someone elses emails, breaking into the privacy for no good reason, other than "he did it to me... and admitted it" which I suppose makes him a "better person". But no one's better here. I'm no better. I'm the worst kind.
no But.

this is why I think I will end up in Anthropology when I go to school... whenever that is. maybe. I just need to get into the idea of "homework" i suppose.

human behaviour. everyone is different. and yet, we can predict eachother. we can read eachother before we open our mouths. a sixth sense, perhaps.

I take comfort in hearing from my friend that he can't read me. ever.
I don't like to be read. it's not... comfy.

and why am I typing all of this out?

Because I've had two drinks. and because I'm a cheap drunk who drinks slowly, I'm buzzzzed nad having a hard time keeping my fingers working. they're very warm. hmm, warm...

I should stop going into his email...

he should stop pouring his foolishness out freely. no wonder he "gets hurt". he's not helping himself.

I dont understand those people either, people who give themselves away, thinking they can trust the human race. But I won't get into that.. not tonight.

GAH. someone call me or something, i'm bored. and lonely.

It's pretty simple, depending on the perspective.
I don't want to ask you anything. I'm not hoping for anything. I'm just bottling it up, and it's getting to me. I just need to be able to let it out once in a while. Nothing in anything intimate, not in those rediculous looks. More likely in Silence. Sometimes I get those typical urges, and every time I have, I've bottled them. I hate bottling things. I bottle everything in every aspect of my entire life, and I don't want to bottle you. I want to watch you go, walk, run, fly up and away from me and everything. it would hurt, but not as much as it hurts right now, knowing I can't express it without weirding you out, without changing things, without fucking the dynamics of our forgetable friendship. I hate that. I hate that I can be forgotten.
I hate tonight. but if you called me out of the blue right now, I would tell you.
but it takes all the wrong turns to get on the right street.
and go figure, it's dead.

History of Hardcore

I'll never turn it around, will I?

I am such a stereotypical person. I don't know why I say that.

I am very predictable, in terms of what I do on a daily basis (Why do I still smell Weed?)
I get up, late... close to noon. He's the first thought, the first face I see (in that picture I dared myself to print off).
I shower.
Computer...
tv...
work.
work.
home.
computer.
bed.

it's the same thing. On the weekend, I get to choose between Saturday and Sunday to go out to Angus'. Deal with.... boy issues. during and after the visit.

Such a circle.
and Circles are NOT cool shapes people. they suck. a lot.

I hate going home with no one to talk to. My leaning person is far and away. which is cool. Live you're life, Cal, it's all you've got in the end. and even that's take, so fucking enjoy every damn second, or I'll hurt you!
but I still go home lonely.

and you know, sometimes I feel proud of being "celibate".... but it's not wholly by choice you know. I'm not exactly a great catch.
so.... alright. fine. here goes girl.

7 things I like about MOI...

my IQ... supposedly it's not bad at all.
my job.
my socks. these things are soooooo warm.
I GUESS I like my EYEs. they're kind of... good enough.
My Family. not gord. he's not family. fuck him. the rest of them are cool.
my music.
last one....

MY FRIENDS! AWWWWWW

that's the best I can do man. It's the effing truth. You're not getting anything else, because there's nothing else, really. I could add my computer in there, but it's not really mine.
meh. it's not that great anyway.

still dont feel great. but I never will. not for long anyway.

CHEERS. to drinking.

I'm not.

funny how things go

I think I'm getting my hopes up too high. again.
I'm addicted to it.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go shopping with my mom. I KNOW it's not going to be good. it never really is.

Saturday, I'm hoping to go to Angus and Aric and Scott's to get hammered. just to party with a few good friends.

but I'm getting the feeling that I'm the only one who really wants to.

I hate that feeling. so much.

*ugh*

Why does life hurt right now?

I keep remembering certain times in life, memories. It's interesting how we only remember shots of memories. They aren't like movies just playing out in front of you. They're just a bunch of pictures, snapshots, sayings written on the back of them.

I wish I could fly back to these moments, watch it play out again.... maybe say something a little smarter, maybe notice that my hair isn't all that great, see something in my teeth.

God, I wish I could have dont something better.

I wish I was a better person. I wish I was just good enough for him.

Clarity, via... confusion?

It's been a dead life. quite the paradox, when you decide to think about what it really means.

All I have time for is thinking about the Future. It's where I'm headed... but I don't know where it is.

I just read in No Bananas a post by Ron, about how everyone is growing apart. I was never a key part in that group of people, just an occassional drop-by. Not someone thought of that often. and I have no problem with it either.
but there are some people... well, one person... who I'm terrified of growing apart from. He's the kind of person that you'll lose if you don't try to keep an eye on him.

It's frustrating. everyone around me knows what they're going to do with their lives, they know What they want, EXACTLY what they want, if not at least the general Area of Expertise.

I don't.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. The only destination I've ever had was him, and I may never catch that flight...

I've been hoping something happens in Toronto, that, with the city-life and changing habits (hopefully) I would have my eyes opened to the world, and would get an idea, even a VAGUE idea, of where I would stand in it...

but will that really happen?
I've never been so afraid of the future than I have been this past month. It's a complete mystery. anything can happen, anything at all.... But I can't even begin to guess what will happen.

I just want to know what to do with myself.
I haven't played guitar in months. I haven't written a song in ages. I haven't written a story, I've barely painted two pictures...

there are so many loose-ends to tie up... I just don't know if I can do it. There's nothing to draw from, no inspiration, no love, not the kind that inspires you in the middle of the night to write something compelling, or to paint something beautiful and stunning.

I have so little now. There's nothing to define me anymore. I'm just another schmuck in the pit-town of Stirling. Just another loser without a life.

I envy that in the people around me. They have something to define them, something to hold on to, something to follow, to chase. Angus has his music... I wish I had something like that. Something so strong that even everyone else around can see how powerful that connection is, that drive.

I just don't have it.

and I think that's why I finally broke down the weekend. It didn't help. I didn't sleep better after that sob from the dark. I didn't wake up with less weight on my shoulders....
It was just another day without him. another day without knowing. another day without something to look forward to.
I've never felt so lost and non-existant in my entire life. It's like my soul is disappearing, fading away like an old photo. I am depleted of everything. My life-force is dying.
that sounds very stupid.

what will I do with myself?
Where will I go, when I finally learn that I don't have a place in my single destination? What will I do then? School? for what?

for what?
that seems the be the question.
For what.

To Learn, or Not to learn?

Tuition Fees are about to be jacked up.

Is it any wonder why I won't go?

Mind you, if I decided one day to go to school, I would get lots of OSAP, since my parents are below the poverty line... supposedly. no, they are.
so I would have money....

but what would I take?

It's as true with me as it is to Angus.
I need to get back into the mindset of actually working on projects, doing homework, all those yucky things.
I've been thinking about school. It's too late for this september, not that I want to go that early anyway, but maybe in 2007... but every time I think about it, I grow anxious over the idea of Homework. Useless, rediculous projects.
I just don't believe that you should pay for education. I would rather read a fucking book than waste so much time on stupid projects. if I have trouble with something, I'll look it up online.

How did it turn out that University and College would COST MONEY? Whoever came up with that idea was a fucking moron.

just like the idiots i've been dealing with all day. and all day tomorrow. and all night until wednesday.

god....
will I ever catch a break?

I took a bit of comfort in an episode of Lost this morning, The Moth episode.
"Struggle is nature's way of strengthening the weak for survival" or something like that.
Survival of the fittest.
and by fittest, I mean Richest.

that's not true (I hope). I guess I'll just have to suck it up and either
A) Pay this stupid, RETARDED government to let me have a job I prefer, or
B) Be another slave in the lower decks to get the ship to the new world.

it won't change, will it?


I don't know why people expect so much of me. I'm not a great person. I'm not perfect. I'm not going to be happy every minute of the fucking day. I'm human: I'm allowed to be pissed off, sometimes, or depressed. look where I live: with a tyrant. they aren't made of sunshine dust people, they're ASSHOLES. I've been raised with that. You think I'm going to be easy going? come on. don't be stupid.
I'm not a doll. I can't smile for you.
I'm happy, sure... just not all the time.
But why do people expect so much? I've been walked all over at work. Tomorrow was supposed to be a day off, to get a few things that I needed. Nope. not anymore. I have to work now. 6 straight days at that damn store.
Schedule change is due. I don't ask for THAT much, do I? I've been working friday's for... more than a year. hell, maybe since i started work. I don't remember. But a while. And in my last six months at the store, Jeff is gone now. We're short a guy. is it really such a tragedy that I ask to NOT work friday for once?

I'm just asking for a break, man. I never get time off. when I try, my family decides to split at the last minute, thus I'm working ANYWAY. I haven't had a real holiday since last year... easter actually. I cover for Lisa all the time, Adrienne on occassion... can I just have that back? Can I get that time back by getting OFF the Friday shift?

just a little room to breath...

is that too much?

Baby Emily...

once upon a time, I had a Mother and a Father and a Brother, all under the same roof...

How we all fell apart, I may never really know.

I changed the address to this bitch.

Reason?

I want to know which, of the people I actually Talk to in person, are reading this.

easy way to do it.

enjoy..

http://juggernaut-girl.livejournal.com/

just go there now

I haven't been sleeping well lately.

I've been spending my nights tossing and turning in these acidic dreams. They remind me of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. not that my memory is being erased and I'm trying to wake up, but that I'll be in one place, in a normal place, with normal people in a normal situation... and slowly, things will change. A Malignant picture on the wall turns into a different picture. The inside of the house turns into a different house on the outside. One person turns into another, suddenly the same person is a double of another person. One situation changes with every turn I make, into a different place, different time, event, person, voice...

It's driving me insane. I'm waking up in the middle of the night, time after time, hoping I might have a normal dream.

it's bothering me.

10 Random things about me
- I can't Skate
- I can't Ski
- I have two tattoos
- I'm planning another tattoo
- I hate Stirling
- I live with a tyrant
- If I get married, I'm going to have a FUCKED UP wedding
- I don't believe in paying for education
- I can't Stand people trying to figure me out
- I am NOT photogenic

9 things that matter a lot to me
- Family
- Friends
- Individuality
- Art
- Music
- My Dads house
- Photography
- Insight
- Making it without any help.

8 things I want to do before I die
- Get knocked up
- Make a difference
- Kill George bush... fucker...
- Open eyes
- Make a Record
- Have a Show (art show)
- See the World.
- Tell him everything

7 ways to win my heart
- Ignore me
- Giving it a fighting chance
- Flexibility
- Patience
- Getting along with pa
- know where to touch me. Know where NOT to touch me.
- Open Eyes, Open Heart, Open Soul.

6 things I love to do
- Sing
- Swear
- joke around with the men at work
- Paint
- See
- Hear Stories

5 things I’m afraid of
- Heights
- Deep water
- Losing Time
- Not Making it alive.
- Never making it clear

4 of my favorite items in my bedroom
- my pillow
- CDs
- Pictures. of all kinds
- all the funky gadgets

3 things I do everyday
- Think about Mr.A
- Dread the everything
- wish I was asleep

2 things I’m trying not to do right now
- eat
- fall apart

1 person I want to see right now
- Dedicated to Mr.A