FUCK

One thing that always throws me off when I'm on the computer-
Lack of Sound.

My computer has just been returned to me, little less than 80G harddrive, all new. nice.
but no music!
see, I was told by SOMEONE that my old hard drive would stick around, and we would just Add another. but it didn't turn out that way. so. I have lost everything. Everything. all my music. all the stories I was working on. everything i had, is long gone. i am overwhelmed with what I have to do to get caught up with where I was. ontop of that, i have to start essays. fuck.
so, I'm downloading everything all over again, meaning i'm going to miss a lot of stuff....

but here's the kicker.

my speakers aren't working.

and the guy who did all this for me didn't leave ANY information about what he did.

FUCK.

thats all I have to say for now.

fuck

Like Losing your Status...

yesterday, everyone seemed to tap into this strange... energy. Or, maybe it was just a coincidence. maybe it was just me. well, something odd was going on yesterday.

work has gotten a little tight lately. Lisa is pissy because the cameras were moved and another was added, so that another 20$ doesn't go missing misteriously.

see, a couple weeks ago, Ki and I came to work, and found that twenty dollars was not accounted for in our little Change thing. thats where you exchange a few bills for pennies, quarters, whatever you need in the register. anyway, twenty dollars (or two rolls of quarters) was gone. so, Ki got a bit pissy.

and so we got another camera, pointed to the place where the change is kept, while the rest were moved so that instead of the cameras monitoring Customers, they are now monitoring Us, using the registers. see if we fuck up.

also, a new rule:
instead of cashing out the registers at three (the middle of the day shift, Lisa's shift), they are cashed out at Five, when the day shift is done and the night shift starts. so, I'm not allowed to touch the cash machines until 5.

problem?
clearly Lisa doesn't like that the family is paranoid of her. or jeff. or all of us. see, she doesn't like me, or Tara, or Jeff, or Adrienne. she hates us all, pretty much, despite trying to look otherwise. sometimes. so, she is pissed that she has to be watched, like the rest of us. she is assuming that either Myself or Adrienne fucked up.

big deal, right?

yeah, actually, it is. when you have to deal with someone who's bitchy, its not fun. Min demonstrated that last night as she left, demanding to know what was wrong with her. she didn't tell, she just said:
"I come in, I do my job very well, the customers love me, what else do you want?"

EGO! REEKING of EGO! IDIOT! she left. Min followed her outside, but she didn't tell him anything... or so he says.

beh

so, it was tense starting last night at work.

what else is new?

things just didn't feel very right yesterday. things were off. and today? i'm feeling sort of... discarded. stupid. I woke up with that evil thing today, maybe that's all it is. what is that? I wish I knew. I asked Joel a couple of times if he ever felt that. but he said no. alas. I also described how my vision will go to being like a Wide Angle Lense when I'm tired. he also didn't recognize that.

But I've never had a slow motion experience, whilst he has. so, have I just skipped to something that other people miss? what's going on?

(Right now, there is an asshole beside me. fuckhole)

I'm feeling very insane, in other words. very Alienated from the rest of the world. I have my suspicions.
I feel very off.
but I'm working in class again, for the most part. i'm more productive now than I have been in a while.

good or bad?

Tangentania

to be Bipolar is:
To go from one extreme to the other within, weeks, days, or even hours.
I have reached Hours. is that a sign that it's incredibly Severe, or something? Severe. makes it sound bad, doesn't it? bad. well, a pain in the ass, really. but you can definately fit more in that way. More of this emotion, more of that emotion. and emotions are good. pain in the ass as well, but a good reminder of how you feel.
what Tom did, in terms of ragging on that woman. That I Support. a woman like that Deserves One lesson like that. of course, I wonder about her, how she feels now, but in terms of Tom, i'm supportive. not because it was Vengeful, but because it was Adrenaline. I think. maybe i'm wrong. But it seemed very... emotional.
Bad? or good?
good because you learn. right? bad because it has an effect. but the effect is a lesson as well.

what the fuck?

i'm ranting on nothing. Tangents! Ha!.

I had a good day today. but... as seems to be coming back to my life now, the mood has changed in the matter of... the length of Spanglish. I watched it. not what I thought. good movie. But that's not the point. the point is I'm beginning to step out of my two month self-control hiatus, and I'm realizing what i'm actually standing in.

I am:
In a relationship with a guy who is older than me.
I'm falling in love with him.
which is putting something else into question, being that someone else. of course, what I tell myself (and what I think I might believe) is that I would love to be his friend, and nothing more. we're too much alike emotionally for anything to go beyond friendship. it would be BAD. so being friends is heaven enough, to get my point across. anyway...
I'm in a relationship. and I am moving in with him to Ottawa. which is a three hour drive from home (Mom and Dad, which is two homes, i guess) and some friends, including my best friend, who I will dearly miss and long for. distance is now coming to me.
and while moving in with him, I must not forget that his age would bother some people...
in a small town. one reason I'm glad to go. I can have that Anonymity I really need.
Now, to GET to Ottawa, i must save my money. hard to do. this includes a new rule for Emily-
No more than 20$ a week. which means only breakfast at school (fine) and giving up some... "Luxeries". *ahem*
Also, to get there, I must Graduate. of course i planned on that in the first place...
but, as is custom with me, I'm growing this internal Theory about school.

It's Useless.

Photography, English, Drama.
all of which are pissing me off.

anyway, i'm not doing well at school. so, though I'm positive I can still graduate (or pay someone something...?), it's not smooth sailing. I need to work.
Ouch.
the issue of school spells Stress.
lets reverse.
Joel is moving to Ottawa sooner than me, to get a job, and a place lined up. meanwhile, I'm going to have to get used to public transit (buses, trains) in order to Visit him on a weekend, which can only be twice a month or so, since I WORK WEEKENDS. fucky. so, stress about that.

so....

what else?

Where does the Bipolar come in? nowhere. but that is my life. And fit into it is the final concern of my head. Strange things are happening in my head. things that are freaking me out. Hearing wierd noises. Strange buzzes in my head that keep me frolm focussing. SOMEONE having this wierd feeling of someone calling and a milisecond later, the phone rings... you know. I'm freaking myself out.
and I'm depressed.
sorry, Bipolar. I was more than happy earlier. of course, now i'm down again. i'm all over the map.
and I'm scared for poor Joel, and this rediculous head of mine.

I wonder how long before I drive HIM mad? heh...

I guess you could say I'm getting scared for myself. finally.

good or bad?

good. common sense.

bad.
I don't want to be scared right now.

For a while, I thought I was out of the depression Woods, or at least out of the extremes. but I'm noticing them. and it's bugging me. a lot. it's a problem.

fuck, eh?

I never knew her...

I never really knew her. I had hardly spoken to her, really, in the course of my life with Gord. yet, when we were taken down the isle and into the back room for the casket to be shut, i felt my eyes dampen. everyone around me, immediate family members, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters. crying. all of them. some were grandchildren, and they sobbed silently in the arms of others. even my step dad, who I deemed emotionless, cried at last. I had seen his lip quiver int he pews, but now tears flowed from him freely.
and i had a tear for myself.

to be in a room full of emotion. how can you not breathe some of it in? you can't be in a room with ten people, all crying, without crying yourself, even if there's no similar emotion behind it. it's like cutting an onion. it's almost completely unavoidable. it stings your eyes.

I didn't know her life. But I Understand her life's loss.




I never want a funeral. not in a church like that. when I'm dead, I'm dead. I'm not going underground. I'm being Cremated. No wake, either.
If i have a funeral, it will be a Buddhist funeral. a happy funeral. I don't want people to see my body, dead and without my soul. I don't want people to see this useless shell uninhabitted. i want to be cremated, and my funeral to be a buddhist one.

and after i'm cremated,
I want to be made into a Cubic Zirconia

I never knew her-

well, at least.

But, he's her SON. and what does he do, not 24 hours after finding out (being the LAST to find out)? He talks on the phone to SOMEone, about his lovely cruise he just got back on. the cruise that kept him from knowing his mother just died. the cruise that kept him and my mother from seeing my brother's daughter. the cruise that kept him unaware.
and he acts like he is still unaware.

it would be re-assuring to see him greive somewhat. i'm about to go to this wake, hardly knowing her, and he's acting like me. i'm not related to her int he least bit. i hardly spoke to her...

you're her son. show some pain, please.
if my mother died, i would not be ashamed or too proud for my own tears for her. their her tears. and she is my mother. i would cry, as would be expected

so you're a man. not good enough. for christ's sake, show something!

I sort of knew she was going to go soon. and I think she did too...

alas, another soul taken in the year 2005. how many more?