story of the night...

tonight, a man came into the store and told us that in the mens washroom, behind the toilet, was a small bag, with two disposable needles inside.
Julie went and brought them in, handling with care of course. they were used, and left behind the toilet alright. the kind in the bag were the same as the one in the picture, second in from the left.

quite a brush with oddity. they weren't in the garbage can, they were just left there, Behind the toilet. at first, I thought insulin for a diabetic, from an emergency kit, maybe... but its the fact that they were found behind a TOILET, and NOT in the garbage can. clearly NOT disposed of properly. so... what were they used for?

You know what sucks?

when birth control doesn't work.
fortunately, I haven't had that problem.

GOTCHA

you know what else sucks?

working in a convenient store. not just because of the assholes and stinkies who come in, but because it gets quiet. and when its quiet, you get bored. and when you're bored, you realize you're surrounded by junk food.

you know what ELSE sucks?

when the girl you took a day for, the one who now works 3 days a week, leaving you working 5 days a week, because shes tired all the time... shows up to the store with a guy, to get a movie.
tired. soo tired... right.

thats it

I had a dream early this morning-

I dreamt that, while I was in belleville with my mother picking stuff up, there was a broadcast that said that a flood was coming. on the way home, the road was packed going in the other direction (I don't know what that direction was).
When we returned home, I turned on the radio, TV, and went online to figure out what we had missed. some great flood was coming our way, that could easily kill us all, but you COULD get away, if you left soon. I didn't know where we would go, but I knew I COULD get away.

but in my dream, I was terrified of dying. I got the impression that I was going to drown, along with my family, friends...
so I went around, grabbing my music, my cats, some clothes, and calling people, making sure they were getting out too. but I couldn't get in touch with one of those people, and I started to freak out, wanting to drive out to his house and get him.

it was a scary dream, especially since it was one of those dreams that felt real. I woke up hoping it was a dream. thank god it was.
and then I realized what that dream related-
a hurricane! New Orleans! only it was in a slightly augmented Belleville and Stirling instead of New Orleans. although it wasn't a hurricane in my dream, I can only imagine now how people felt when they realized this hurricane was coming, and they were going to be flooded, when they realized the levees were breaking.

makes me extremely thankful for where I live, in good old South-eastern ontario. no hurricanes here.... yet.

bad dream. definately not a good dream, one I couldn't wake up from willingly.

WOOT!

Today, I got ideas. it was great!

I just went through an old story and editted some parts. it needs to be completely re-done, since... well, i've grown since i started writing it, about a year and a half ago. there are things i know now that I didn't know then. so, I'm going to go through it, re-mold it into something.. new?
if I do it to that one, I'll need to do it to the other one, the even older one, that this other story is based upon. man.

wednesday, I'm going to school in the morning, to hang out fourth period with G, since.. well, he told me to. HA!
i'm going to develop film, buy film, and start thinking about shit. I got ideas for pictures today, like two people in a library... bah. i'm not getting into it. either way, I had inspiration today.
now what chemical started swimming around in my brain to make me get inspiration?

i'm also going to clean and paint tomorrow.

yeah

i'm doin shit, dude

perfection is eternal detail. peace is ignorance

There are people who believe that this life is nothing more than an illusion. other people think of it as a test for what comes Next.but for us, those who believe life begins, continues, ends, and begins again... our life is nothing more than hell. this life, and the next life, and the next life...pointless? perhaps. our only goal is enlightenment. some reach. others dont. they start over from scratch, everything in vain.I would much rather prefer a heaven to go to after this hell hole, but I know there isn't one.I would love to love who I am, and be a whole person... but do those people actually exist, without the aid of medication, in this modern, western world?
maybe I should go on medication... but would I even remember to take my pills? my memory never works like it used to, if it ever. it must, if I can remember a blood test from when I was two days old.
life. the ultimate test... for life. again. the feeling of being alive is rare. medication destroys it, but you think rationally, at least. drugs make it interesting...whats life? alive? happiness? whats happiness? life is a loop, eternity. can you survive for eternity? something has to end, this life, this world, this era. which would you rather?
stream of consciousness, james joyce. i hated his book, but he was right about the style, and you're right to say it makes you lighter. eventually you get to repeating yourself, but it helps. for a while. but then you need to feel something, even if its just a distraction from the constant feeling, a change.
beware of change

ARG

what is it with me and older guys?
I've never dated someone my age. the last guy I dated was almost 13 years older than me, and a guy I'm finding I like now is ten years older than me.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Where did I get this strange taste?

....bah. its annoying. I don't want to be like this... but then again, I sure as hell don't want to date someone my age. they're all fucking idiots.
okay, so I'm picky, and want maturity. fine. whatever...

new rule Emily: No one over 25....

maybe...

*ahem*
Gas is supposed to get up to 2 something today. is already 1.65 in kingston, or something like that, and Toronto is over 2 bucks.... but my store? 99 cents. still. since early this morning, there have been two line up of cars, often ending up on the road and blocking traffic, or at least slowing it down.
tonight is going to be fuuuun. right now is the first time I've seen only four cars there at the pumps. holy fuck. tonight won't be fun at all.

I've recently been made a full time employee, which means I work monday, tuesday, thursday, and friday at 5-11. saturday I work 11-5.
five days of work. more money. less time where i'm not being constructive SOMEhow.

since the concert, I've been feeling that natural sort of withdrawal feeling. it was honestly a perfect night, perfect show, great day. and it was all I had planned. now I'm thinking of going to the dance that Sigur Ros and Radiohead made the soundtrack for. it would be something to do, and I certainly love dance (not that I dance at all. not very good at it). but thats half a year away still.
so what do I think about?
18.
I think about how I'm going to be 18 in a few months. still not a lot to do at 18, but at least I can gamble. that doesn't make sense, that you can't drink at 18, but you can gamble. gambling is just as bad as drinking. you lose your fucking money. you can vote at 18, but you cant drink or smoke. you can chose the leader of your country, but you can't be entitled to the things that country produces for profit.
oi. if only it could change.

I was out with Mike last night, going around furniture stores, sitting on every couch, imagining which ones to buy. it was pretty fun, especially when we found nice leather couches, or memory foam beds. so, despite this awesomely funny night out with mike, I still have to say that I'm not enjoying my time at home very much. I'm trying to get out, but... I don't know. it's not the same.
being home alone all day sucks. and being home with my mom isn't much better. I really need to get out.
so, I guess I need to start painting again. the more I paint, the more I get for my portfolio, the more likely I'll get out and to Vancouver...

but I don't want to go to school. I really just want to get out and far away.

guh

well

at least I'll have a bit more money now. heh.

Breath Taken

You seem to forget what its like
to know nothing about the house you're living in
to feel the free world as a prison cell
and a door without a key to let you in.
Cuz if I wasn't listening for the phone all day,
I wouldn't be here on the bathroom floor,
Brown curls around me and a Broken mirror,
the only reassurance that it's all gonna be
tomorrow's nightmare.
Its all in the way that you looked at me
On the night we spent together in the concert hall
hearing breaking hearts scream from the other land
little did you know mine was already dead.
And if I wasn't listening for the phone all Day,
I wouldn't be here in a deep red bath
thinking "I found the key to the prison door
in the broken mirror" cutting in my skin
my only reassurance that soon I shall be
in a whole new vault

A Bitter end of Great Beginnings

I got home at... quarter to four this morning, with a new shirt, a CD, and a wristband from some of the best memories I'll have.
Last night was the Sigur Ros concert. I could try to describe it, but its one of those things you need to do in person.
but to comfort curiousity, it was mind blowing enough to be life altering.

I went with Angus, who brought along a Ukulele. we both got the last Amina CDs (Amina Opened for Sigur Ros, and is also their "orchestra".

So, I had a great day and night and morning. the drive home (I drove for an hour and a bit) was sureal. maybe it was exhaustion, but I doubt it, since I'm most awake at that time. I had ( ) playing. we (me and Angus) were singing away with it.
it was a good night. fantastic concert.

It just sucks that my Big Plan to look forward to is over now. what else can I do now?

I always cave

Today I received a package from the Emily Carr Art Institute in BC. I read over it, and it certainly has a lot. I would definately be busy there....

but there's the problem of the portfolio. they want 15-20 pieces of work (including a sketchbook I don't have) thats either 2x3x1/2 feet, on CDs, or Slides....

I had the opportunity to do this in art class a year ago. but I didn't. I didn't think I would do it.

I would love to go there, just to Go Somewhere. but then I think "Am I actually going to use my time there well? am I really going work?"

it costs about 17000 for eight months. that leaves four months for me to come home and relax, not too bad. its money. its the portfolio. then the fact that my art is spread out of a large area, and there's getting the slides done.

well, tomorrow, I plan on buying new brushes, and easle, and some canvas. and I will start to paint. I promise. its set. while I'm at it, I'll stop by the school, get my Tree back, and talk to Mr.Campbell about making slides.

if I go, I will aim for spending my time in

-painting
-3D art
-photography.

the foundation year sounds like fucking hell though! 40-50 hours a week of homework. HOMEWORK. FUUUUCK

i hate school

is all that money going to be worth it? am I going to get lazy? what do I do?
then there's the distance....

oh, what do I do?? i wish there was an easy way to do this! FRIGGEN HELL...
but maybe i'll try anyway. i guess.

Where are they now?

To say that I want to be creative would be an understatement. There are a lot of things I would like to do, and be embraced for. And throughout my life, like everyone else, I've worked towards these things, taking my own steps to ensure I have something to look forward to.
But, also not unlike many other people in the world, I've had a lot of resistance. I've had people, left and right of me, tearing a chunk for themselves out of me.
after a certain amount of time, and a certain amount of being eaten alive, you lose enough blood to slow you down to a complete stop, leaving you near death.

the solution?
go to the red cross, and get some more blood put in you.
In real life, there are some blood types that are more common, thus, easier to find. For many people, this means that when you've been eaten alive and need to get some more blood, you go to the cottage for the weekend. Or maybe just call in sick. Either way, they take time off to relax, catch their breath.
but for some people, such as myself, I have a blood type that is very hard to find, and the more common blood just isn't going to cut it. this results in two things:
1) When I need blood, There isn't any. Leaving me to lay on the floor while everyone keeps eating me, and I keep losing this blood.
2) when I CAN find this blood, I take as much as I can get. I am greedy. because, if I don't get a lot, #1 will happen again. and that is the last thing I want.

what is the lesson here?

The lesson is: the most common answers, the most obvious, and certainly the easiest to get over the problem, aren't always right. In my case, I get a lot of wrong answers. because I don't have a normal blood type, and need something else, something different. not more. not something more special, just something different, that anyone with a different blood type simply wouldn't understand, therefore, cannot suggest otherwise. afterall, a misguided suggestion can lead to death, or serious illness, can't it?




remember folks, this is a metaphor. never take me literally, unless I say "Literally". and until about four words ago, I haven't.

mbah

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

Artist

Historian

Banker

Novelist

University Professor

Photographer

Vet

Paralegal

Graphic Designer

Online Content Developer

Webmaster

Producer

Managing Director

Nutritionist

Advertising

Nursing
You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don’t like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.


You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don’t like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.



You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.



You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.



You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don’t get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don’t like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.




School?

maaah

It's so unfair to be hit before you're even out of bed.

I opened my eyes this morning, and thought "School's today". and I realized that everyone is gone, from at least early morning to mid-afternoon.

"fuuuck"

later on, I thought maybe I would get together with mike before work-
wait, he's at school for the first semester.

fuuuuck

so?

I need to do something.

Look at us-
We're beautiful,
popular,
and the world loves us.
Look at you,
You're not us.
You're nothing.
The world regrets you.

Look at us-
we've got so much more:
beautiful friends,
perfect family.
look at you,
your foolish independance.
you think you will survive?
we will eat you-
alive.

Look at us,
following the right path,
getting it right
with ease
the first time.
look at you,
working like the middle-class fool,
making mistakes,
you're nothing
and no one.

Look at us,
we got somewhere
that you didn't.
We're in a place for great people,
not your kind.
You'll never get here,
we all know it,
so bow down, damnit!
Love us,
admit to us-
You are nothing
but dirt to walk on.
You are nothing
but a catalyst for us.
You will never go
to where we will go.
Because we are better.
Because we will be remembered.
Because we will change the world,
and you will fade into the dust,
yet another useless life.



If I could beat them
I would show them.
If I could go somewhere
they could never survive in...
If only I could do something,
and be better than them-
just once.
If I could make them see,
maybe they would like me.

so SOMEWHERE along the line, I fucked up the template for this thing, and now the sidebar is waaaaay down at the bottom. thats what happens when you make a tiny mistake on a long page full of shit and what not. its html shit. that i dont understand

I hate Friday

We all know how I'm feeling about school.
I've only bitched and whined about it a billion times.

It just pisses me off. I'm someone to laugh at. because I don't want to go to school. because I don't care. because I don't believe in it. I've made my arguments to all of them, and they just give me this sarcastic little smirk that says "yeah right, You're a moron who's going to get no where, and we know why, and we're right and better than you for knowing it".
it makes me want to say "get the fuck out before I shoot your ass to the moon, biatch"
not really.
but it still bugs me. that people are like that. they'll ask me why, I explain, and they shake their heads. I'm a failure. bam.

and they wonder why i'm so weird and have such low self esteem.

I'm not going to school. thats that. Anything I would have learned there can be learned in a book, if not many books. so why don't I save on tuition and food and housing and shit, and just buy the books for myself? Why live with the time restrictions and exams?

I know.
Because that doesn't count when it comes to getting a career.
guess what:
I don't want a career.
I don't want to be doing the same thing all the time. I want to be open to everything, to be able to detatch whenever i want.

Look, people, if I ever do anything, it'll be something with writing, or art, or something... or being killed for bombing the white house, or something. None of those things need post secondary. none of them. art school? no. why? creativity cannot be taught, nor judged. therefore, school is useless. thats my belief. accept and stop thinking of me as a fucking FAILURE!

Same with writing.

same with bombing and killing the president. you don't need school for that shit.

ugh


you know, for all the hype, John Coltrane isn't that great. I don't like him. too much... fucked up not-great sound mush from that saxophone. too crazy. ACID ACID ACID! too much.


school starts tuesday. all the people i could have hung out with won't be around during the day, when I'm most lonely. lonely loney. mother won't let me drive with gas as high as it is. I should tell her to move to New Orleans. so yeah... we all know about that already.

lifes a bitch.

but sigur ros is in a little more than two weeks! YEAH! theres something to smile about!