im here again.
didn't post last night, was too tired (thats a lie. I didn't want to wake up mom)

so the Oscars are on, and no one in the house is watching them, especially me! the cat is on my lap again. hmm

Im getting sick! noooo. I woke up this morning and couldn't make a normal sound for an hour. when I did try to make noise, my voice was very low, stuborn, and rumbly. it was hell. this isn't good, considering I have to sing a lot this week, especially thursday! AHH! im gonna die...

i painted the guitar case today. I ended up ruining half of it for a few minutes when I tried to gloss before spraying it. stupid me. its fixed though. Not nearly as good as Pippin's tree, but at least it works. I put the Om Mani Padme Hum thing on it as well. its a charm, why not? anyway, I will take Roger to school for the week tomorrow, practice with him.OW!
stupid cat clawed me.

annnyyyywaaaaaaay..........ow, my foot.
i had steak again for dinner. yumm, rare and bloooooody! buahaha. i think I digust my mother. meh, thats the goal.

cat meow.

cat is mad at me.

cat is trying to kill me again.

OW my foot.

so i haven't reaally got anything to put in, just...stuff.

I listened to that 50's cd I got the other weekend. I like it! its very nice. it got me happy, especially when I heard the Platters with Smoke gets in your Eyes. what a nice song that is. pet cat.

so things are getting all over the place lately. state of mind is going from one territory to another several times a day. its very tiring, but I'm thinking it has something to do with the music im listening to at the time. wait, what about when I'm not listening to music, and it just happens?


im just typing stuff, you know that, right?
what a horrible person I am, wasting your time with nonsense. well, you DO have a choice to read this, I'm not forcing you at all!

stupid cat is smiling at me

what a cute cat.

i have to work tomorrow night, likely wednesday and thursday too...or maybe wednesday and friday and saturday....AHH! Rush tickets are on sale tomorrow online, and I can't get any until I know how I would get there. but man! I have months to figure that out! arg! Ill beg Josh to drive me...or something. help! MUST GO!

lol, Josh wouldn't go. neither would mom, but thats because she hates rush. Gord? hell no. he doesn't hate rush, but I hate him. mean, yes I know.

help...

so, I think I will leave it at that and go read and do stuff, such as read the book I was given to read. I'm so lazy.

I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war, If you can tell me something worth fighting for
hurrah Coldplay

I just got back from getting guitar strings and paint for the case. This morning, I woke up and sat staring at Pippin, my guitar, and suddenly got an idea for the cover of a case:
a GOLDEN tree! woot. so, I'm doing it tomorrow, when I'm not working, obviously.
i have cat on my lap, which is new....stupid finnigan.
nice day today, but nothing to do. I'm avoiding watching tv, since I know nothing good will be on. sigh. i need a life, or something...
my foots asleep.

i really have nothing to put in this right now. I had thought of stuff moments ago when I logged on, but now I've drawn a blank. hehe, cat is watching me type.buahaha

so, there was a change in the songlist for the coffee house. We've dropped the Blue Rodeo song for another time, now we're playing my song that I wrote recently. awesome! thats...cool. I wonder how it will do...
Roger has strings now, and of course hes not staying in tune (that would be my other guitar, the RARE Yamaki), and he buzzes on high notes. I thought I had fixed that with a new nut, but I guess not. stupid guitar! neck is warped then, somewhere.
i should have gone to dads this weekend, but I've gotten busy suddenly. I have to skip Emmas get-together thing tomorrow for homework and guitar case, which is mean, but I have to. I can't ignore creative stuff, since it seems to only come around once in a while now. anyway, thats all for now, i guess.

I might post tonight, after work (hurrah full shifts of boredom to 11! oivay)

OK, time for a happy blog. too many depressing ones, right Kirsten?

Today we choreographed the prologue for WSS, and its awesome! I was actually WORKING HARD to get it done. its very cool. things are coming together soooo well. hurrah for West Side Story!

GO SEE IT, whoever reads this if anyone.

.....why is it so easy to make sad blogs and so hard to think of anything GOOD for a blog? what is up with that?

oivay. Rent is apparently going to be made a film this year.... i am SO there. buahaha. Coffee house plans are now engraved in stone. no getting out now! buahaha. yay coffee house. I'm nervous now, but the night of I will be completely out, sleep walking. which definately isn't a good thing, but at least I'll be relaxed!!! woot.

very odd bus ride home tonight. There were many strange and horribly sexual conversations going (I suddenly got dizzy, whoops!) on behind me. according to tamra, she wanted to spice things up for once. well, ok....but it was kind of SCARY, some parts...mostly those about edward, hehehe... funny though.

i guess when I was little, I used to get nosebleeds a lot, and I could predict when one was coming. so, wherever I was, if I felt one coming, i would lay down and be still. thats what my mom says, but I dont believe her.
I was such a strange child. I hit my brother with a frying pan, predicted nosebleeds, walked down the middle of roads.... what a dangerous life I once lived! wow... now look, I live a sheltered life. so sad.

BLA. haircut tomorrow to fix my horrible job, then WORK (sitll having fun with that while I can, just so I can look back and say "I can't believe i was that worked up over a JOB), then saturday, then working LATE saturday. I can only imagine who I will meet up with. I think I'll find a magazine while doing that too.

listening to La Ville Strangiato, toggle brought it up. good old rush. MUST go to concert in August, but need ride and friend!

errr! stupid Winamp closed on me... damn computer. i hate you too! errrrrr

well, that appears to be all for tonight. happy blog! happy happy! wooty....

sometimes people just need to talk to get things our of their system. why does there have to be a point to a conversation? why can't things just fly along without a purpose? or does everything have to have a purpose, or else be thrown away. if it can't be of any use, dump it, is that it?

back onto a religious topic...
I FEEL LIKE CRAP TODAY. It keeps occurring to me that despite emmas willingness to talk about religion (And I love to talk to her about it) I need that sort of thing elsewhere, such as at home. in other words, i need my mom to support me instead of ignore me whenever i try to talk about it(It being my buddhism).
I tried very recently and said something. she ignored me. didn't even look up at me. do you know how that feels? likely. everyone has felt that before, I'm sure. its just that this is a fairly big chunk of stuff to deal with, and I would appreciate my mother supporting me a little bit, or at least be honest with me instead of ignoring it.
it sort of sucks that when you're at school, the two people you hang out with at lunch disappear the second half of the period on mondays to go to a christian group thingy, and You are left out. You could go, sure, but you wouldn't be able to share a whole lot other than past experience. present tense, you couldn't contribute much, could you?
it bugs me. I don't have a grudge against anything, or anyone, I just feel sort of bla when it happens. its something I'll get used to, yeah, but still... i wish i had that. I dont have a group or anything...

have I gone through this before? sorry. I am repetative, but i just type what I'm thinking at the moment. thats how I am and how I treat this thing.

i suddenly got the craving for peppers on something.

yeah, long day. Mambo for WSS is done now, all put together and everything. it looks good too. Sari came into the Pro tonight, she said it was looking great. hurrah.
Also saw someone tonight, who shall not be named. Made me wonder about my current heart status. unfortunatly, it left me more in the dark than ever. before I saw him, I felt numb, which was comfortable. but there was something different in him tonight, and it didn't look too nice, either. His eyes scared me, really caught me offguard, and I'm a little worried about him.
Normally, after running into this person, I have a stomach doing flips and a heart racing at about a million miles and hour. but tonight, the most I got was a cheerful attitude (Until the eyes got to me and I didn't really get a chance to 'catch up'), and that was it, and I didn't even get the chance to really check myself, see what was going on up there and inside. it left me in the dark so much, I don't even know about him. and that leaves me more in the dark with other matters, such as the attempt to forget about him... its very frustrating. I want to know what the HELL is going on with me, and I have no clue. I'm going back and forth between people, and I can't seem to figure out anything. I'm so thrown off by the situation.
to add to that is the religion home thing and another situation with someone else, hmm. horrible horrible. I'm honestly caught up in so many things, I cna't focus. I shouldn't be working or anything, I'm a health risk!

tiring day, early morning, projects coming up, work being pushed to the last second... tomorrow's jazz band will be hell. I haven't practiced or even LOOKED at my music since last week.

Im now working friday, 5-9, and saturday 5-11 (full shift) which will be neat. I wonder how long my legs will last.
god.. i hate running into people I know sometimes. Ben was in the store, and no hello. Ben, for those who don't know (which I can imagine is all) is a very old friend of mine who moved away in grade 7. before that, we were neighbours, best buds who hung out and fished together, etc etc, and he moved. haven't spoken much since. never called, only talked when we LITERALLY ran into eachother. very depressing thing. we used ot be friends, and now he ignores me. its amazing how people change like that, treat you well one day, and another day (LONG later, mind you) treat you like shit. his mother was in not long before, in and out in a flash. I couldn't believe it, how people just blow you off despite having known you for so long before. Its amazing. I don't remember doing anything wrong, so....
What did I do?

wow, i like dancing.
the coffee house stuff is starting to come together. there are a few places where we all need to get going and figure out (being me with lyrics and aaron with solos)

my fingers hurt quite a bit, even though I wasn't playing that much. its sad that my fingers aren't that strong.

once again, as happens when I get bored or am unhappy with myself, I have cut hair off. this time, quite a lot. I might as well have just chopped it all off. mom is going to kill me....speaking of which, shes home. yipes! im gonna die. but oh well. I needed a fresh start, so what better way to do so than to cut half of your hair off by yourself? hmm. yes, i cut a little too much off, so now its all off the shoulders. no more hair, sigh. its sad, really.

things in APS are getting away from me. I seriously need to quit and just read all this stuff that I was supposed to read a while ago. must do work that was given to me! ahh! i guess there will be tests at some point.

wow. mom came in, saw the hair, and liked it. hehehe, take that! but I'm going in to get it done still. there are come long spots at the back, apparently. oh well, at least she sort of liked it. hehe. take that, jesus!

anyway, that seems to be it so far. still having a bit of a block, but things are starting to filter through, and dont seem too bad. things being little bits of wordings... i have to get this stuff down!

MAMBO!

yay, I'm going to be a Clerk.... hopefully.

Yesterday was Cheese cake day, and I never knew how much i loved it. I rock at cheese cakes. even my brother, the cook of the family with outstanding but failing talent because hes lazy! liked it. bad sentencing, but whop dee dooooooo.

woke up in horrible pain. can't be natural to be rolled into a ball for hours, starting at 2AM without getting sleep. thankfully, that didn't happen THIS time, but it happens a little too often. can't be right, something's gotta be wrong with that.
but there is no way that I'm starting physicals anytime soon. oooo, no!
today was a good day though. I think I've got a sunny disposition that doesn't always come out. yes, I'm rude, and very stupid, but at least I'm a happy rude-stupid person. happy is important.
BE HAPPY

headache, cramps that make me want to hurl, but cheesecake is saving me. yumm, cherries.

I was given a project by mr.Cambell today for a competition. so many of those! I would get 200$ if I won, which would be cool. about physiotherapy, something along those lines, love of movement, etc etc. I'm up for it, I just need to think of something. very cool though. and if I don't win, its still being shown. whats the word? err.... exhibited, there we go. COOL.

anyway, thats all for now.
happy!

wellwellwell
I might have a job. People from across the road (Pro One Stop) Called and offered me a job. I said yes, so Tomorrow after school I'm going over for a few hours, sort of like an interview thing to get the hang of things over there. wow! I might get money!!!! hurrah.

I'm desperately trying to find a place to get tickets for the Rush show in August. gark!!!! need to get some... and find someone to go with and someone to drive... possibly someone who consists of both.

today I made a cheesecake. I have yet to eat it, sadly, but its cherry cheesecake. yummmmmmmmmmm. I gave up on trying to paint Houses of the Holy on the guitar case. just to fucking hard, man! So, i'm going to do something else with it...i guess.

yesterday was the new year for Buddhism. and guess what? I lived a lot longer than I thought I would. Matter of fact, I've lived past 2112 already! as of yesterday, it is the year 2131! coooolllll. so, my millenium was a while ago, and there was no stupid Y2K or anything. that was dumb. what a waste.

I went to emmas friday night and kept her up past midnight, even though I was tired. hehe. thats fun.

also turns out that my pedal wasn't the problem, but it was the pickup, which sucks! its brand-new and from Germany. I'm not taking it back, its effing Germany!!!

why did I put effing when I actually typed fuck further up. Man, I am stupid.

Got 3 CDs today, Footloose, Flashdance, and something with a bunch of songs from the 50s. hurrah. I should have gotten that frank sinatra, but the one cd of that would have cost twice compared to the other three, which (in total) cost 20 bucks. sweet, man! i'm goooood at finding cheap stuff.

anyway, that is all for today. hurrah cheesecake and movies that I want to see but haven't.

PS: Jeepers creepers sucks. entertaining, sure, but SUCKY

I got life, mother

yay james! he came to school for MSIP, which was really cool, and he got out kirstens guitar and played fun songs. stupid ones too. it was very great, something that had to be done soon. its funny though, chris only gets like that when James is around. James draws it out the best. yay james!

so today was a painful day, physically. Cramps are beginning to show up, so my hope of skipping a period have been dashed. I expect it tomorrow or late tonight. isn't that nice to know?
several moments of complete boredom and angerness today, but they went away too. I need more books, and I'm thinking of borrowing Horatio Hornblower from my dad. that would be cool! I'll get those when I get the pedal checked.
Tuesday, Kirsten, Aaron, Tom and I are going to jam at Aarons....cool. too bad K won't see the GIANT AMP! ooooo.... so yeah.

Pogos are great. so many people say they are disgusting, and a few years ago I would have agreed. but a few years ago I also would have said vegetables are horrible. Now i hate meat. but not rare steak and pogo sticks... how does that work? i hate mea ton pizza, how about that? but yes, pogos are great with mustard. infact, I personally believe that they are the only reason to exist: they are an excuse to eat mustard! great, isn't it? -takes a moment to finish a mustard covered pogo-

Ms. Lyon is really cool. she let us play a GAME in english today, since no one could work. wow. rewarding laziness. i love that! Mrs.Davis was away seeing her new grandchild, so we had Lyon instead. very cool. I like her. a little too into some things (she cried in Anne Frank, aww) but still cool. I didn't play the game, of course (wow, queen! Play the Game!)I was busy with stuff in my book, being writing a note to Emma. It was a pretty depressing Note, not really addressed to her, but I wrote it and decided it would be given to her. I wonder if shes read it? likely.

good day though. Overall mood was still bipolar, ups and downs. I think I seriously need to see a doctor about it. its really annoying!

next week, dancing with Elaina for WSS. yikes, i'm scared. I wish i was more fit than I am, then I would love it. But I'm not, so I'm going to have to take breaks so often. Summer resolution (not new years) will be to get active. Mom said she would get me a new and hopefully better bike, instead of this crappy one with shitty brakes and tires, etc. stupid idiot down the street doesn't know anything about bikes. arg! shes also going to set up Yoga classes with me, not that I'm not already doing Yoga. I don't do it enough, I guess. I'm pretty busy....with nothing!
according to Josh, I live a sheltered life. which is true. I don't go out (once in a blue moon, do I) I hate parties, and stuff. too many people. I prefer small get-togethers. I don't play games, I just paint and write when I'm inspired. and right now I'm inspired, but i have the BIGGEST creative block. it BLOWS. I will force myself to work this weekend on the guitar case, take it in on monday.
aww, poor josh. he has detentions from going to the assembly. I blame myself. :D:D:D

I've also decided that i'm going to get into things more. I need to get working on APS stuff soooo badly and other things. I need to get to work! challenge myself and get myself busy. I'm going to start looking for a job at some point, too...then I can go to Prom. that was the deal with mom: TRY to get a job, and she would get me to the prom... yikes. that involves dressing up. oooohhh boy, get the camera.... heh. not that I haven't already this year. stupid Semi-Formal! that sucked!

anyway, that is all for now. good mood, happier than I was, and desperate to get stuff on my WALLS! I shall have to find posters somewhere...

adios!!!!!
Word of the Day:Vernacular

Titles are annoying

Changing moods is good, in most cases, but I'm sure there is a health hazard of some sort. I went from normal in the morning to tired to bored to mad to hyper, on the course of the school day. am I bipolar, or something? I'm thinking I really need to see a shrink, or something... i need pills.
huh

oivay. G was pretty happy with work today, nice to hear despite him having to take everything in the drama area down. public hallway my ass!

not a whole lot other than that, really. I'm think I will get deep into the closet, find something fun to wear tomorrow. something hippy. hehe, I'm thinking of something already, but i shall not name it! buahaha....

Damn that josh! hes going to change his lock now. Booo! i wasn't going to STEAL anything....hes so anal....
:D

its really annoying when you want something to shuffle, and it does, but because your player is an asshole it plays certain songs oooover and oooover because it loaded the entire list twice because its GAY....

have i ever mentioned that I HATE technology sometimes? honestly... it really is an amazing thing that humans, another animal on the planet with a slightly different brain, creates inventions and immediatly assumes rule over the rest of the planet. it seems that no one else around me thinks of humans the same way i do. Yes, this is extremely hypocritical, but WHOP DE DOO. i don't care. if you put yourself elsewhere, looking in on things from some other planet or whatever, you would consider humans tyrants of the planets. think about it! ok, get in the mood... You have never been to earth, the whole concept of humans taking over the planet and assuming responsibilty for everything else is so silly! we're animals, just like everything else, but we have completely seperated ourselves from animals. we're above them, we're superior. wow. its so niave!
very dangerous way to think. I'm sure i could gain many enemies by thinking so, but I am willing to take that chance. I am a hypocrit in saying this, simply because I use technology, I'm used to it, I would more than likely die if I were left in the woods for a month or so. i don't know much about survival... but, then again, we've pretty much made it so. We've gotten so used to having electricity there for us, so we've forgotten all that other stuff, being the stuff that kept us alive for so long before the lightbulb. *sigh* its sad! and stupid! and yet, i have no right to say any of this. its not like any of it can be turned around.... thought that would be interesting.

so what was the point? oh right. I hate computers. they're stupid. i don't know anything about them, but that doesn't make me hate them. the fact that they ARE unreliable and dont have hard-copies of... stuff....like writing.... incase it crashes, right? they aren't safe! if the whole world ran on a computer, and the electricity went out, guess what: we'd DIE. sooo dependant on a friggen screen. it makes me thankful that I come from a family that is caught between the whole computer thing and the living-in-a-house-that-still-uses-woodstoves-and-growing-their-own-food, etc etc. thank god for my genius dad without a memory. he keeps me up to date with all that stuff.......wow. what stuff? living beyond technology! I would love to live without any electricity for a while. it would be rewarding. Hard, yes yes, but I would adjust. everyone does, unless they're stuborn and stupid. it would be great!

so why don't you, emily? go live in the woods, you ignorant bastard!

maybe I WILL!.... no, I won't. no place where I COULD do that....

sigh. that was my rant of the night. hmm... i complain a LOT

ow, eyes are getting sticky. nooooooo..........................

!

g'day!

Word of the Day: ignoramous. yay

No, I can't read signals

So you know whats really creepy(Story of the day)? When you decide to watch someone do their combination, and you realize that it looks horribly familiar. so, when they take the lock, lock it, and try your OWN comb, it opens, it really freaks you out, right? right. because I certainly did. holy shite! so strange...

good day. but, yes, still that undertoning. oh well! music theatre is really turning out well. Its going to be great!!! yay people....yes....

the voice wasn't working for me today, though. I couldn't seem to sustain any notes, let alone hit them on the spot. I would go for one note, and get a different one. so, today, i was tone-deaf. I couldn't tune the guitar, couldn't do anything! yet somehow i wrote harmonies for kirstens song... how does that work?
I'm listening to Rocks in my Bed, the song the Jazz band played last year in the competition. we won, too....somewhere in the 90's? we rock! but yes, listening to the original track of that, thinking back... what horrible days.
lately, I've sort of been doing inventory, if you can understand that metephor. no? too bad. I've been going over things from WAY back, and sort of placing them. good thing to happen, bad thing to happen, middle, above, below.... its something i do quite often, but I figure that this time it will be done well...whats ends up where, will stay there for a LONG time.
I've been thinking back to the summer, how useless it was and depressing. I never left the house, unless I was forced to by family. look, when You cut off the mane, you get pissed off and anti-social, thats how it is. Who made it so, I don't know, but I lost the mane, and I was NOT a happy camper. Especially when you're trying to make an impression on your rarely seen family members who are all snobs, and you end up walking around their cottage miserable and bitchy from losing hair... oops, runon sentence. meh. so, I have categorized that as a BAD summer. before the great depression, which has also been decided as the first three months of grade 11. i won't go into that though.
Last year, grade 10, is considered alright, save for that one thing with someone that really messed things up for a while. stupid stupid.
anything before grade 9 was pathetic, BUT I was also young and didn't have a head, so it doesn't really count... hmm. I wonder when my life really began????

things are starting to get in motion with the coffee house, at last! and I think Mickey (BEST aunt in the world) might be coming down... if i can convince her....that would be SO cool!

There was a question today when Chris came to the school and we met him. Chris is a thirteen-year-old who needs a liver transplant. poor kid, you have to admire him living with that, let alone living in general. One question, which was brought up by the horrible bush-look-a-like principal was, "If you had only one wish, what would it be?"
it was funny. he said most of us likely thought of material things. WRONG... though, when i got the chance to thinkg about while ignoring his speech, my wish would have been to see as much as I could. To travel around, see what I can and how people really live, whats really mattered to them. i didn't really think much about family/friends, as horrible as that sounds, but what I could do instead that would change my view on things, even if the view would expire along with my life shortly afterwards.

why that was brought up?....umm, well.....

school sucks!!!!!!

i think that shall be enough for today. to sum things up, things are good, with that sad undertoning and horrible creative block still around. but, i'm alive!

Word of the Day: outflank

yum, west side story

So, I found out today: I am Snowboy! cool....the cocaine addict of the Jets. so, i've put duct tape over my one sharks shirt and changed it to jets. perfect.
Got a new shirt on the weekend, very cool one with a Julius Ceasar quote.

I'm beginning to find that being in a different religion from most is much harder than imaginable. I wish more than anything that there was a temple in Stirling, but its frigging stirling. why the HELL would there be a temple in stirling? i wish there was one. Then i could have a refuge, a place where I am with other buddhists and where i can actually learn things without being on my own. I have no buddhist friends other than tom, and...well, I'm not too sure about him and buddhism. i just wish i had someone to help me along this way. it seems to be causing some...problems. not big ones, stupid ones as emma would call them, but they are there. I feel really different now. I can't be in a religious group at school because its for christians, or anyone who believes in god. I have nothing! Nowhere to go, no one to help me. i really do feel alone in this.
Im still trying to think of how to tell my parents, let alone a certain someone else, but its much harder than i want it to be. I can't seem to just bring it up around mom, who would take it better, im sure. Gord?...well...
"But you were baptized! and confirmed! you're christian, stupid girl!"
yup. thats him.

so, stirling, therefore, sucks.

other than that, I've had a great day! josh got poutine and let me eat half of it. what a lovely boy he is. little does he know I have his student card! buahaha....
gee, I hope he doesn't read this...well, we shall find out soon enough, won't we? yess, preciouss, we willl....
ahem.
yay west side story. I'm pleased with that. we've all gotten the right roles, etc, and its going to work out GREAT! I love it. As for the coffee house, things are starting to get sketchy. I mean, I know we can pull it together, but things are going all wacko. I mean, two weeks, and I'm changing the set list. poor kirsten. I feel stupid. Didn't want to do Tangerine, since we're already doing a led zeppelin....oh shit. we need to get together with aaron. OH SHIT, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF PRECIOUS PRECIOUS TIME, AND I NEED TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER! just typical of me, too, leaving stuff to the last minute...see, two weeks is the last minute for me...i feel so stupid.
OI.

and then tellstory came on

so, josh, you're coffee chocolate hasn't kept me up long enough. my eyes are already getting heavy. damn you and your coffee grains!...waits for vocals to come in... and there they are. so funny, electric fingers. great song.

well then, i shall be off. Still having a serious blockage in the creative urge, so nothing has happened as of late for me, when it comes to painting the guitar case or writing... sigh. i need more energy for that.
i was supposed to leave, wasn't I? ok, enough.

Word of the Day: Trazy Crain (Stupid early morning jazz band!)

buahaha

Ahh, telemarketers. I decided today that I would have some fun with one, so i kept this guy on the line for about 5 minutes. I'm sure he thought I was 18 or older, but I never answered his question either, so there you go, I even left him kind of baffled. He must have been new, too, since he went "uhh, ymm, hmm" a lot. he was also foreign. yeah, I hate telemarketers, especially ones who DON'T speak english clearly, but even so I still feel bad for them, having to deal with all that rejection. i can only imagine how really frustrating it is to do that, therefore I never will. I couldn't take it well at all. I especially felt bad for this guy, since when he actually asked how to spell my last name, I just kind of left him hanging for a minute, not thinking about making up a name or anything, just standing there with the phone in the air, before I hung up. i felt bad. but hey! don't be a telemarketer, and that will never happen to you.

so far today, That has happened. otherwise, not much. I learned a new song last night, but it hurts my hand a lot. stupid cyst and weakness! ARG. my cold is disappearing way too early for it to be a good thing. stupid nose, messing around with me! i don't know what its doing!!!
ahemhem....
I got 90% in photography. how wierd, considering i started out with a 70. so wierd. what a great semester though! My average is now up to 84%!!! YAY ME! i just have to keep that up and going, and I'm alll good. hurrah!

but, thats all for now, i guess.
Word of the Day: Quibble- a trival objection

stupid v-day

i HATE valentines day.... stupid....

i've been in a such a bad mood all day today. I woke up sick and stuffed up to hell, my nose completely taken over by snot, and just...stuff. i should have been happy, since there were many good aspects to todays events, but i am not. i am just miserable without an excuse. i suck. i am a horrible human being today.
BLA
monday i find out who I play in WSS. i was lucky not to get sick yesterday, since i had to sing quite a bit and my voice isn't really working today.
oh yeah! my "band" for the coffee house is called the Bananas. isn't that great? i love it. another good thing there, but im still miserable and acting depressed. SHOULDN'T, but I do.

why, though? even I don't know. which sucks ASS, but I still do. I had a great night last night at emmas, talking for SOOOOO long about things which we haven't gotten to talk about before, being religion, etc... it was fun! i loved it. and this morning, i just woke up and felt that horrible little thing inside me again.

again? well, there is history here...

the 'evil little thing' is something I honestly can't place. its so hard to describe, but I have felt this so often in the morning. Its related to anxiety, i know it is since I felt it a lot during Semi Formal in that horrid dress (which was rare in itself. what a painful and stupid night). its something that comes up through the pit of my stomach and drags my heart down into my lungs the best it can. its not painful, nothing physical, but purely mental and emotional. its so strange, and I don't understand what brings it on. i'm not nervous about anything, it just decides to show up and bug me for a few minutes. by bugging me, I mean making me feel horrible. its a feeling of being naked and exposed to everything and everyone around you, and thats the best possible description for it. a feeling of vulnerability.

today, i woke up with the evil little thing for a few minutes, and then it receded to where it belonged again, deep within where i don't notice it. it sort of reminds me of those nightmares, where im trapped in this spider web that is slowly unravelling and falling to oblivion around me. i had strange dreams as a child.

so maybe thats why I've been really wierd today? maybe?....no. there was no explanation for it, and the evil thing didn't leave aftershocks like that. nothing like that at all. so maybe some bad karma just got to me? hmmm, sounds like something meditation could fix, if only i could meditate. another bummer. friggers. well, that should be easier to try today, considering im not really all here.

what a horrible yet blissful day. ill say it was hollow, meaningless.

i better not be falling into another depression, damnit.

Word of the Day: (These are usually picked by random pages from a dictionary. so its freaky when, the day before valentines day, you open up to the L section...yipes) lovelorn

tired...

I'm tired...
what a day. I'm just plain tired, so nothing really stood out.
my peddle has a buzz in it, so i guess theres a bad connection. Also? My fingers hurt right now while I'm typing from guitar. I've been playing like mad, trying to figure out this damn thing.... well, i finished for now...
so tiiirrreeeeddddd....
mutter mutter. yeah. so. when you're tired, everything seems a lot duller and stupid than it really is. there were a few times today when I was going to perk up, but then I thought better of it. no one else really seemed to be there today, so i wasn't alone. oi vay.
I've come to the conclusion that I really AM pathetic. lately, when it comes to mental processes, actions, etc, I've been stupid and very stupid....?.... I make FUN of people who act like i have the last little while, so naturally i'm being even more stupid trying to avoid acting stupid.... which makes it rather stupid in itself. stupid stupid. i am ashamed of myself. i'm stuuupid. I'm a wench.
other than that little bit of self-criticism, which isn't unhealthy unless you do it way too often. i'm thinking i should jack the volume on that. i've been letting loose WAY too much, in my own mind. don't ask.

arg. so confusing and yet so simple! can't seem to make sense out of the most simple things lately. just sooo laaazy and tiiiiirreeeeddddd......... gark.
well, thats all for today, i suppose.

note to self: remember Coffee House stuff.

Word of the Day: tired

nice

sometimes, it's nice to be blind. you can imagine what you are seeing to be what you want it to be, and yet not see what is really there, so you are not hurt by it. not yet, at least. use that as a metaphore for my current life.
sadly, i know at some point my eyes are going to open, and I just know that what I see will be something i did not expect, something far from my wild imagination. which sucks. I can only wish that when I decide to open my eyes, or when they're torn open, that what i see isn't ALL that horrible.
its a shame, too, to choose between bitter truth, however unknown it is, and certain sweet lies. comfort or certainty? which is which? right now, I am not blind wholly, but I can't see. I'm in a fog instead, and I am feeling emotions and mental responses from both sides of the drawn line. but I still can't seem to figure out which side of the line I'm on. I can't even find it

Angels in America

I don't hate history, I just hate Canadian history because they (teachers) kept teaching me the same damn things over and over again. i love history!, just not canadian.

and I DON'T hate religion. i simply don't follow by it too closely. -GORD-...

so, As you might have guessed from the title of my second blog today, i have seen an episode of Angels in America. yes, it was neat. no, i did not get bored. yes, i understood it quite well. i was following it fine until gord start blabbing about how i hate history and Religion (dumbass) and how he claims to know more about me than I do, blablabla. what an arsehole. so, the last bit of it i couldn't grasp because mr.blabla wouldn't shutup his ego and stupid thoughts that he fails to inspect before speaking.

but hey! I had a good day. I found out how to get to the Anthem performance from '75, hurrah, and now await my chance to actually SEE it.

why is that interesting? who the hell knows. I'm just bored and typing whatever comes to mind. and, of course, listening to music and waiting to see who talks.

arg. my eyes are starting to get sticky though. i'll work on a story for a bit and then sleep, because I'm lazy/tired/need at least 12 hours of good rest to wake up happy. sad, since I only get about 6 hours a sleep on average, weekday or not. Why is it that when I know my alarm is going to go off again, and that I have to get up at some point abruptly from my dreams, that i can't get up? and when I know I have more time (when i'm allowed to sleep in) i CAN'T sleep in? why is that? stupid school and stupid clock that fucks up my head. gark!

so, other than what was previously mentioned, nothing has happened today. i didn't really expect much though, so I'm not let down. always a good attitude to have!

thus far, things have been pretty good since the beginning of semester two. of course there are things I miss about the first semester, but this semester things have been a LOT better than I thought they would be. I actually have two classes in the music room with my friends, another class with my friends, and two other, rather intellectual classes. I've already had one of those days where I can't focus, being thursday, but (thanks to that beautiful snow day) I now have more time catch up on what I wasn't paying attention to, such as APS.

currently, i am feeling tired, and my head is starting to spin around writing again, like it used to. ah, how I missed those days. so many ideas that were actually good!

so, other than that, I have nothing more to say....until tomorrow or monday...or beyond, depending on time.

p.s: the only tv I've watched today was Angels in America, and beyond that some of Rush in Rio. thats IT! I'm proud of myself. sadly, no yoga in. too lazy for that.

i got me amp!

So last night I went out to dinner with me mum and step-dad, and i got a BIG meal. I could hardly finish, but i have a big stomach, so I did. it was a chicken wrap sort of thing, where you got to make your own and you got a plate of stuff with it. verrryyy yummer. fires too. my poor mom though, she got a HUGE salad, and then a HUGE bowl of nodles, and she had half a chicken in it, so there were these giant chunks of meat in the bottomless bowl. i had its left-overs today for lunch. veryyyy yummy as well.

so today i went to belleville and tried to get new shoes, but couldn't. one shoe in size 9 is fine, but another shoe that i actually like in the same size tries to strangle my foot. Stupid companies need to cooperate on their shoe sizes
-or else!
i also finally got Rush in Rio (hurrah) I watched a bit of the documentary today, but then stopped when my dear brother knocked at the door with my big FOUR foot tall amp!
pretty cool, man. it gets up to my shoulders, and I think i'm 5'7, around there. TALL fucking thing. though, that also includes the had, so there you go. I also got a pedel with it, very nice. i lvoe my brother. hes awesome!

so i had a good day. my room looks very neato now, buahahaha, take that! so, other than that, I have nothing to say...for now
Word of the Day: Hybrid (Just what I was looking for for my story!!!) - mixture between two different things.

I like snow days

so today, my alarm went off just as the news came on, and all I heard in the early hours of the day was "All buses cancelled". I did not rejoice, but instead simply turned off my alarm, and slept once again. I rejoiced at the perfect timing of that alarm later, about 10:15 am actually, when I was up and moving around.

so far today, I have shovelled everything, worked on 'The colour of Jade' (story) a little bit, cleaned the house, did the dishes TWICE, ate some food, played some GUITAR, and cleaned my room in preparation for a 3-FOOT-TALL-AMP for my guitar. sweeeet. my bro is giving it to me, as well as a pedal. i love brothers. the only cost? my gift certificates to famous players, which is worth 15$.
what a fucking deal!!!!

other than that? nothing. I've tried to put up with my step-fathers ingorance and stupid lame-ass jokes, but there are times when that cannot be allowed. so I ignored him more of the time.
at the moment I'm not doing much, other than this, and this isn't much, but I needed to do something. Snow days really are nice now. I think I'm looking forward to anymore that might come along.

things are also starting to flow with my stories. i'm starting to get some ideas with the format of some, like COJ (the one up there, too lazy). soo many ideas coming to mind now. things are finally taking shape with this friggen thing!

i smell febreeze from my room. yummm, cleanness. I made a quiz in my boredom last night, not much of one of course, but it was something. I could only find one persons results though, being Josh's. that was interesting. 15 stories on the go, Josh? you're wierd. I don't have THAT much free time to do stories, let alone 15 of them. only 4, my friend, only 4.

several sneaky questions with it though, such as my fav-band question. thats boredom for you. but no one else has taken it yet, other than Randall! :( that makes me tear up.

other than that, i have nothing else to do. nothing. diddley squat. just waiting for my 3-FOOT-AMPLIFIER!!!!!!!.......

wow. this is nuts.


I SUCK!

so, i shall talk to you later.

Word of the Day: Egads. not a real word, but still neato

title-less today. didn't feel like doing the title thing a whole lot.
i feel so horrible for emma. She's all alone, pretty much, and never gets to see anyone. its so sad. i wish i saw her more often. but then again, I wish i saw everyone from last semester more often...
shes had a hard day though, thats for sure.

Things with putting the coffee house together are starting to get underway with Kirsten, and I'm thinking she and I, Tom and Aaron should do a plugged in set too. that would be coool, though I don't know who will play what exactly...:S

good day today though. APS was interesting, somewhat, and english too. though there still seems to be that undertoning to it all. I couldn't spend lunch in the music room, I'm starting to get really annoyed from it. All people seem to do now is look stuff up on the internet, and yes some of it is funny, but I don't care. i don't give a shit whats on the internet half the time, mostly when i hope to have a conversation with my friends about life, not Computer life. I'm just getting so sick of it in there. things are messy, and its bugging me now. there are garbage cans in there, people, USE THEM PROPERLY, instead of trying, missing, and not bothering to clean it up. there are too many people in there at once too. Lunch time, ok, last semester was fine, but I'm not spending another few months in a puny room with thirteen people at once and tons of coats, etc. its too hot, too close, etc etc. i shouldn't be talking, thats my stuff in there too, but its just really starting to bug me a lot. even in msip i'm trying to get out into the air. today, I couldn't stand it, i had to keep moving around, or something. no AIR in there...

I got out lunch though, and I think I will keep going out for lunch now. not out as in 'out of the school', i mean just out of the music room. It was good, too. I ate with josh and Justin, in the caf, with all those people....yipes. i think i can keep that up though. I like it a lot more than the same number of people in an even smaller room....well, ok, not THAT many, but you get the point.

yet, for the strangest but unknown reason, i felt like dancing today. i could hardly keep myself from breaking into a jig! rather nice, though, to be able to feel like that. Lately, by lately the last month or two, I've been looking in the mirror and not worrying so much. i'm starting to like to person whos looking back at me, and I have the feel that the two of use are going to get along quite well in the not too distant future, if i can just control my paranoia. I used to be one of those complete loners in the crowd, meaning i hung out with people but i never talked to them. i was just there, sort of a protection thing, i guess. I was the loser then.
that was grade 8, mind you, but those were tough times. after grade 9, i started to break away from that. there was a long length of time, being all of grade 9, that I tore down that sculpture inside to rubble, to start over. during grade 10 i started putting pieces back together, looking over things again and putting them into the right places, or at least whatever felt right, and soon a completely different mold was forming as I began to learn more about myself. of course, I made a huge mistake while doing this, and it cost me time, and that was getting into a relationship. Unofficial rebound, i call it, since the plague (that would be that huge thing called love) started in early grade nine left me feeling shitty and I got desperate. very desperate, but I shall not go into that now.
grade 10 ended, and I hadn't yet seen it, but the mold was starting to create something, and as I started grade 11 and (halfway throught eh first semester) for the first time felt worth something to people, I noticed this new sculpture coming out of the rubble that was my former life. it was rough at first, in the early stages, but as time went on it started to look really good.
now I look in the mirror and see that. there are still several chips missing, and I have yet to find a few missing pieces and to deal with other pieces, but things are standing and holding together, and its reassuring. i can't help but think of the changes i've gone through since highschool started. some parts i wish i never experienced, but I did. maybe for the better...so i'm dancing, for the first time, and I can't give a flying fuck what people say about me nowadays. I have never felt so strong in my entire life, considering the past. I have never felt so placed in a world, and I can't help but feel terrified of losing it. i only have a year left after this, almost all my friends are leaving after this year, and i'm terrified to grow up. i'm scared to leave this all behind, because I love it so much. Everything that has happened to me in the past three years will never be forgotten. I have met the most amazing people in my life in this school, most of them simply by stepping into the music room once in grade 9. Its funny how that effected everything. i'm so scared of losing all this, this huge connection with everyone. i'm terrified of losing this amazing light of my life, and I wish it could keep going on, to last. I'm so lost without it, and I feel so alone without these people, so vacant and useless...

bipolar mood today, as I told emma earlier, during Drama Council.

things seem to be running smoothly, school wise. i can't seem to grasp anything outside of school though. I'm actually doing stuff, being practicing and homework and sleeping and eating. thats it, but it keeps me busy so easily. I've been thinking a lot about this whole religion thing. I KNOW what religion i am, but I can't seem to think of how to tell my family, all christian (some HEAVY christian), that I'm Buddhist. It seems a little hard, considering all the stupid things my step dad could say. he would freak, not that i would care under different circumstances, but I have to LIVE witht he guy. he wouldn't let me live it down. I keep imagining all the differences it would make in relationship, the different religions. i'm not normally religous, but lately i've been thinking about it so much. i guess its just something I needed to figure out now, not later on in life. i'm glad I am, too, but its starting to poke into subjects where it shouldn't be. I'm worrying too much about some things that have to do with it and some that don't. wierd, right? buh.
different things about it are starting to hit me, too. just how much of history was based on the bible, and how pointless it all seems sometimes. I don't know how to describe it really, it just seems funny how *everyone* in history seemed to believe in god, and meanwhile we have alll these different religons now and how many different views there are.
everything seems so funny in the wrong way!

oi.
if that was confusing, too bad. I was typing and didn't stop. i had so much on my mind, i needed to get it out!

i guess thats it for now!

P.S: I miss you alison!

making love to my tonic and gin

no, not really.

another day has passed by. man, times is really slipping away quickly, lately... very odd but normal by now. a lot of time was spent looking at the worst album covers ever. I'll have to find that website here and post it. very funny to look at. heh, all my friends are dead. i can't believe that...

Music theatre will deifnately work out alright....i hope. :S! the energy is so much better than the one from last semester, not nearly as messy and a lot more positive. of course, there are the few people in it who I am completely skeptical about (ashley mullens, as one, friggen...mutter mutter....) but There are a lot more people who will take it seriously to overule them, so take that, stupid people!

got a cd from kirsten today, pretty good one too. In return, I made her one. 7 more tracks than hers, but eh. 80% of the cd is crap, being useless music that we could never perform in the coffee house. BUT, there are a few that could work. I'm starting to think about it a lot more often now, keeping my ears open for something that could work.

so today was a good day. Lunch time feels really stupid at the moment. it might be the loss of emma, or maybe I'm finally getting sick of the music room? im in there a lot now, not that i wasn't before, but I
m getting very restless at lunchtimes now in there.

my, god, I suck! i have no life! I haven't had a friend over since..... wait...... man, my birthday... that was TWO MONTHS AGO. before that? wait.....wait.....4-5 months? thats so sad. i should have committed suicide by now or something, this isn't right. i have no life beyond school. what will I do when i graduate and start work? i'll be a frigging hermit..

well, im not against that so much. but im stupid, so what do I know?

awww, dirty dancing music. how fun! hey baby, i wanna know, if you'll be my girl. -music notes here-
hurrah! and then you go to queen... such a great band. odd how some of the most talented groups seem to fall apart before they can really "retire" or willingly stop making music. someone always dies first. John Bonham, Freddie Mercury.... well, ok, I can't think of any others at the moment, but I'm sure theres more.

hmm, I don't know if its just me or what, but whenever I try to see in the darkness, I have all these white spots in my vision, reeeaaaally small ones, and theres like billions of these stupid spots in my vision, so everything is fucked up royally vision wise. Is it just me? do I have problems, or what? ok, i have problems, but I mean with EYES, in MY head... never mind. I've lived with it this long, I can keep going.

not talking to anyone beyond school really does a number on your head. very sad situation, but thats how I am...not that I like it. force of habit, i guess.

don't get high and drive a car, you won't get very far
- Devistatin' dave, the Turntable Slave!

first day back. wow.

Ever had that feeling when your having fun with friends and you can't help but feel this horrible emptiness underneath it all, like the floor is made of egg shells, and it could collapse at any moment? i felt that today a lot. shouldn't, but did. but you know what? I think I might survive!
musical theatre will be awesome, i already know that. just the right people in it, the right chemistry, it will be awesome. general social science is alright too. then LUNCH and MSIP in the music room (score!) with the same people, and then english. oi. what a bland end to the day.....but i think it will be alright.

so, despite having a very fun day, there was that depressing and very unreassuring feeling undertoning it, which brings you down pretty far near the end of the day. and it doesn't help that when you get home, you need to write out two things, work on some idiots map for your mother, and make a dinner to eat alone. wow. I'm going to suck out on my own!
why do I have that feeling, a concerned person might ask (as if theres one reading this)? too bad. you have to live without knowing
buahahahaha.
oh come on...


guess!


just guess. typical teenage girl problem that every one of us has.


oh god, must I spell it out?
b
o
y
problems. duh.
my problem? i'm not the girl someone will date. I turn into their pal, and then its a little too wierd to be dating a friend, right? oof. it sucks! a Load! very limiting. unfortunatly, i can't seem to figure out how to become a possible date rather than a cool bud. i have a problem there. that and I think I look/act too much like a boy. heh. that could be a problem...
too bad. buh, as I would say in other, older days.

well, thats all for now. must get to work on things.
bye for now

parodies!

ok, two more thingies here, yay

FOTR Parody
TTT Parody

have fun!

...later....

wow! another one for the first movie. yay! big though.....
yay!

FOTR parody, biiiiggggg

even more dreams... seems to be a lot of them lately

last night was a very relevent dream to my normal life....dont ask why
i had a dream that it was new years eve again, and There was supposed to be a big party at my house, but instead of staying for the party i went to see emma in a very strange mall-like place dressed up in a pink dress (eeewwww, pink!). most of the people I know were there though, not at my party, so it was good at first.
but I only saw them in groups once. I would see tom, aric, ally, and gram in one group, and then I wouldn't see them again. there were a bunch of groups, one with kirsten and Jenn in it, another with emma and serena and other people in it. there were more, but I can't rememeber who was with who.
in the end, the only group of my friends left in this mall-place was emma and serena, and they weren't leaving. so I was wandering around for a bit until i decided to go home to my own party, where most of my friends were (yes, i was leaving emma. but I dont think she would have minded in my dream).
but when I got hom, no one was there. in the back yard there were a bunch of puke stains on the grass (yummm.). i guess there was a lot of drinking.
ahy is that similar to real life? I almost went to a big party, but didn't. didn't know how to get there, and wasn't that interested in seeing a bunch of drunk/stoned people wandering around, two people in particular.
but anyway, there was one part of the dream. the other one was the following day of new years eve, which was nothing like real life, lol. it was basically be going to this big show, or something, and i was still dressed up. man, i must be a nutcase in my dreams or something.... maybe in real life....?:S
another one, i was organizing something for school, but it was more or less in this lecture hall, not at bayside. anyway, i was organizing this, and someone upstairs was giving out sort of personal notes to people (they were leaving, I guess. i would count that as graduation or something since it was someone I know but shall not name. buahaha).
i remember very nice writing.
lol. man im messed up!
but those were the dreams from last night. very odd, yesss.....they weren't good dreams either, mind you. i remember waking up rather disappointed, and pissed off that someone was walking around the house and making noises.
yay! at least I slept in to 10:45! hurrah for me..

tomorrow second semester starts, and just like at the beginning of the year, I am not looking forward to it. Yes, good class first two periods, but Im just not happy about the change. seems like first semester passed by really quickly. I don't know where it all went, it just kind of happened and left before i could get a good grasp on it. sucks, doesn't it?
but yes, musical theatre first two periods, and then boring classes (oi) being General social science (for those who don't know, that would be psychology, sociology, anthropology, etc etc) and then english last period. actually, tis not so bad. I have music theatre, then GSS, then BAM! lunch. then BAM! Msip, then BAM! english. i have a good break between classes. hehe. sweeeeet.
still sucks though. i have a horrible feeling that musical theatre won't be all its craked up to be, not with mr.g at least.

i didn't exactly get around to painting either. I think I got some writing done, can't seem to recall....but either way, goal not achieved. failure, again. meh.

well, thats all for now.
live free, die well, as the horrible saying from the horrible Scorpion King goes.... wait, if it sucks, why the hell did i post it?